Facebook Flirting Woes

[momtojeam]

Maybe there is something inside him that wants you to prove your commitment.

I’m not sure how I can do this. If I so much as glance at the guy, I am accused of “checking him out”. If I avoid, I am accused of hiding something/admitting that I have a problem… which is bogus.

Here is something that is strange to me… I keep telling my husband that I didn’t do anything wrong, which gets him really fired up. He will respond that “I am not your God… if you loved me you wouldn’t be attracted to other men”. Also, he has said a few times “I wish that you did do something wrong, at least then there would be something for me to forgive. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to get over this”. I don’t understand how this would change the scenario, except by taking it a step farther in the wrong direction. He also says “this is what I get for being so jealous” (aka a wife that is attracted to other men). I would imagine what he’s getting at is that he thinks I have a problem, and he is now struggling because I am not the person that he thought I was. I have been trying to tell him that this is normal… part of human nature (doesn’t seem to get through), it’s not a big deal, nobody else compares to him (which is true!).

Things have settled down now, but if it comes up again, I’m not sure what I can say. Or if I should just refuse to discuss, period. Any suggestions?

 

[momtojeam]

Good plan. No hiding. No questions. (Only works if no one sneaks a personal account)

I feel like if someones going to sneak around, they’re gonna find a way to do it regardless. That’s where trust comes in. But at least it would keep me from feeling the compulsion to check…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m not sure how I can do this. If I so much as glance at the guy, I am accused of “checking him out”. If I avoid, I am accused of hiding something/admitting that I have a problem… which is bogus.

Here is something that is strange to me… I keep telling my husband that I didn’t do anything wrong, which gets him really fired up. He will respond that “I am not your God… if you loved me you wouldn’t be attracted to other men”. Also, he has said a few times “I wish that you did do something wrong, at least then there would be something for me to forgive. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to get over this”. I don’t understand how this would change the scenario, except by taking it a step farther in the wrong direction. He also says “this is what I get for being so jealous” (aka a wife that is attracted to other men). I would imagine what he’s getting at is that he thinks I have a problem, and he is now struggling because I am not the person that he thought I was. I have been trying to tell him that this is normal… part of human nature (doesn’t seem to get through), it’s not a big deal, nobody else compares to him (which is true!).

Things have settled down now, but if it comes up again, I’m not sure what I can say. Or if I should just refuse to discuss, period. Any suggestions?

Oh, I didn’t meant that you could prove your commitment, only that he is pushing you to somehow prove it to him, with some inner motivation of his own that he may not even be conscious of. Take that for what it’s worth, just an intuition I had. If that’s where he’s coming from with all of this, you will NEVER be able to prove your commitment to him, because he has some kind of template already in his head. You won’t be able to win for losing, KWIM?

He does have trust issues. And anyone who is jealous to that point, is insecure. He should recognize some of his own failings since he’s a psychologist. Otherwise he’s got some glaring blind spots. I don’t think anyone with no awareness of his/her own life problems/challenges/wounds can really help others…

You are damned if you do discuss it, and damned if you don’t. Between Scylla and Charybdis, as they say. It is very odd that he is actually wishing you HAD cheated! And that he doesn’t see how wrong that is. Big blind spot.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I feel like if someones going to sneak around, they’re gonna find a way to do it regardless. That’s where trust comes in. But at least it would keep me from feeling the compulsion to check…

Do you have his FB password?

 

[momtojeam]

Do you have his FB password?

Yes, I have access to all accounts. He now knows that I check them. I also caught (and told him I saw) an email from a female co-worker making a comment about being his ‘work wife’ (also deleted)… but there was no inappropriate response from his end, so I more easily wrote it off.

I do not think that anything was going on here, but was suspicious at first (more like I don’t trust the women). It is seeming that my gut is right, because I recently found out that she was sleeping with my husbands boss (she is married).

I’ve always been a little jealous myself, however, I started getting more paranoid when I heard how his co-workers talk & behave in regards to women. My husband is moving up in his company, and I know that the women are starting to throw themselves at him more… it makes me uneasy.

 

[teresadeavila]

I’m not sure how I can do this. If I so much as glance at the guy, I am accused of “checking him out”. If I avoid, I am accused of hiding something/admitting that I have a problem… which is bogus.

Here is something that is strange to me… I keep telling my husband that I didn’t do anything wrong, which gets him really fired up. He will respond that “I am not your God… if you loved me you wouldn’t be attracted to other men”. Also, he has said a few times “I wish that you did do something wrong, at least then there would be something for me to forgive. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to get over this”. I don’t understand how this would change the scenario, except by taking it a step farther in the wrong direction. He also says “this is what I get for being so jealous” (aka a wife that is attracted to other men). I would imagine what he’s getting at is that he thinks I have a problem, and he is now struggling because I am not the person that he thought I was. I have been trying to tell him that this is normal… part of human nature (doesn’t seem to get through), it’s not a big deal, nobody else compares to him (which is true!).

Things have settled down now, but if it comes up again, I’m not sure what I can say. Or if I should just refuse to discuss, period. Any suggestions?

Hmm, sounds like his guilt and hurt pride re: what he’s done to hurt your feelings is making him react this way - ie wanting you to do something wrong to “even the game.” But you’re not playing a game, you expressed your feelings of hurt over what he’s done and admitted attraction to another man, tell him you did not entertain any thoughts/fantacize about him. He must recognize that men AND women {married or not} will find others attractive but it does not diminish your love or relationship in any way unless either spouse nurtures those attractions, emotionally and/or physically, or indulges in them or acts on them (which you did not do).

Or perhaps turn it around and ask him, so he’s never been attracted to any other females ever since getting married? (I doubt it - there must be a reason that Victorias Secret fashion show is one of the most watched shows in the world).
If the matter comes up of since he’s the jealous type, I’d always respond with while I think he’s good looking (no need to get detailed) just like you think [enter name of his fave movie star or whoever] is, you’re the only one I desire. Then show him.

 

[teresadeavila]

Forgot to add he needs to forgive himself - abide by the Facebook ground rules and hopefully, he will be reassured you are not eyeing other men on the street!

I’d also tell him I was so quiet and unresponsive when I found out b/c I was so hurt and angry, I could not even express it. That’s what my hubby does, I get very vocal and when he’s upset, he clams up. Big time and sulks, pouts, nostrils flare…the typical signs. Learn your hubby’s body language and he should learn yours.

 

[mamaslo]

Your husband is a psychologist and still acts like this to you?

I have heard that therapists also need therapists because who can listen to all the stuff people deal with without some sloughing off the residue that gets through? I bet he sees unfaithfulness all the time and attraction issues…

It is taking away from the “regular” you. It sounds like vice versa is happening too.

Maybe you need a therapist also.

Maybe the retrovaille will also help with communication issues and help.

Maybe even some kind of workbook to work through together. There is probably some really good ones.

We all have attractions to people we have to shake off, some are harder than others. Just because you are attracted does not mean you would allow yourself to ruin your family.

Sounds like too much drama.

God Bless you both.

 

[clem456]

Been through this. It takes time.
My wife reignited a 30 year old realtionship with an old lover who had gotten divorced at 50. It was innocent on her part, although I cannot read her mind, there may have been a tingle in her for the guy, I dunno.

-His mother- called my wife when he got divorced, his mom wanted my wife to marry him 30 years ago, and never got over it when she dropped Johnny. My wife is just nice, really nice and said yes I’ll call Johnny and talk to him. One long call of consolation turned into two. Then plans for 5 or 6 old classmates to meet. Needless to say this caused a huge problem in my house. The problem lasted 2 or 3 years.

The problem is, when a spouse begins to doubt where the other’s heart lies. That feeling of doubt does not die easily. It leads to all knds of marital problems which I won’'t detail here.
I did the checking up, the eavesdropping. Finding nothing meant I just had to look harder. Jealousy and suspicion poisoned our marriage.

It was no big deal to her to meet with these old friends. And things were so unpleasant in the house, I would tell her “go ahead and let’s meet with them for beers or something” I was trying to be big by having her see this guy, when in reality I just wanted to see where she stood.

In the end, I learned a lesson in forgiveness and she learned a lesson in good judgement and prudence. I think men especially have a huge need to be respected and honored as a provider of all things ncecessary in a marriage, and if a woman gives the impression she needs to go elsewhere, especially in THAT area, that is trouble. So, we now have a zero tolerance for behavior that causes suspicion… old boyfriends, porn, etc.Zero. The “little bit” approach does not work in my experience. Jealousy and suspicion only need a small spark to be in full flame, and you should make it clear to him…(I may have missed this in the thread) no contact with this woman if it causes you a problem. If something a spouse does bothers the other spouse, it needs to stopped period, out of respect for the spouse.

 

[momtojeam]

I think he wishes that there was an isolated issue that could be ‘left in the past’. He has expressed that he doesn’t know how to move forward because he will continue to pick-up on when I notice others (he even comments when I notice good looking women, he must constantly watch my eyes because he notices before I do). Isn’t it husbands that usually get this type of flack from their wives… I now understand how they feel.

 

[mamaslo]

It’s just weird to me and extremely insecure. I keep my eyes to myself prettymuch but I am an artist and at some point I have to look to learn. It sounds like he wants to keep your random thoughts under scrutiny.

Why is he so insecure? I don’t think it is you but it doesn’t sound mature…and maybe he would even admit to that, but it sounds like something needs healing in him. If it doesn’t at least get better this will hurt worse and shut you down…and him too.

We need to be able to just “be” without all the drama.

If you love him and he loves you, counselling sounds like a good idea. I had a boyfriend one time who little by little degraded me until I was separated from all my former friends and family. Not that my family was all that tight knit, but it’s horribly disrespectful to the dignity we were given.

It sounds like a cry for help from you both. I know you said he is a psychologist and well known. Doesn’t he know that psychologists are not perfect either? No one is and sometimes outside help is just what we need to get the focus off of what we think the issue is and on to the real issue.

To me, you sound like you are both hurting and need help.

 

[teresadeavila]

I was just talking to a priest about it, who said this Facebook issue has come up quite a bit in his church. No one should friend any exes, former flames, loves, just to be on the safe side. I’m sure there are rare exceptions to that rule but really, why would you need to friend an ex? I love Facebook but there are limits.

Sadly, Facebook has replaced having normal relationships and has made people entirely dependent on getting reassurance and socializing only from that site. That cannot be healthy.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Wait! Another female in your husband’s past had problems with the same sort of issues concerning the very same Facebook gal? Yikes! She is hanging around for a reason… she is needy and looking for emotional support (in the least). How terrible for you and for him.

Has your husband “unfriended” her yet? Can she get to your FB information through any other means? Is your husband on Linked In?

I hope and pray that your husband regularly goes to Adoration and Confession. Rosaries are another sign of a faithful heart.

 

[hurting]

I’m coming ot the conclusion that Facebook is probably a net “bad” for society. For all of the good it enables in the form of greater efficiency of sharing information among true friends and family (especially pictures), the very real harm and potential for harm it involves, particularly for spouses and parents, may simply be too great.

The news is replete with stories of full-blow affairs arising from Facebook and posts be used in divorce cases. While many would eschew going to physical places that might present a temptation to stray or even a true near occasion of sin, fewer recognize that Facebook is in a lot of ways, like an online bar as a previous poster said.

The ‘couple’ account is the best idea I’ve heard/seen yet, but it’s still not ideal. The partners have to agree to strictly limit who they ‘friend’, and there is no good reason in my estimation to ever ‘friend’ old flames - ever.

The OP should take this matter very seriously.

Lastly, remember that things posted on Facebook or any other web platform are more permanent than Mount Rushmore.

 

[The_Bucket]

I think he wishes that there was an isolated issue that could be ‘left in the past’. He has expressed that he doesn’t know how to move forward because he will continue to pick-up on when I notice others (he even comments when I notice good looking women, he must constantly watch my eyes because he notices before I do). Isn’t it husbands that usually get this type of flack from their wives… I now understand how they feel.

Well it’s quite clear that he’s got trust issues and overanalyzes stuff constantly. There’s no way that he doesn’t find other women attractive. None whatsoever. It is possible that he never seriously entertains sexual thoughts about them, the flirting notwithstanding, but your explanations seem to demonstrate that it was really nothing more than your usual passing thought. A near occasion of sin? Sure. But an actual transgression? No. And then Satan seems to have weaseled his way into your husband’s mind and exploited that doubt and that led to an error on his part.

I know personally about this because of my addiction to pornography. There were no “real women” in person or even online, but it caused major changes in my behavior towards her and everyone around me. I pray constantly that it’s killed forever and it’s been out of my life for months. But anything that reminds my wife of how I used to be and why brings anxiety back into her heart.

She knows I’ve changed. She sees how I act now. But all my character flaws are now in her mind tied to my terrible history of sin. True that the addiction fed all those flaws and caused them to dominate my behavior, but they’ve always been there. I’m imperfect like everyone! But she has such a tough time understanding that without assuming something more nefarious. That’s surely Satan trying to strike at her heart.

I’d agree with others that said Retrouvaille is a good option. Get someone to watch the kids; invest in your marriage because it’s plenty worth it.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I was just talking to a priest about it, who said this Facebook issue has come up quite a bit in his church. No one should friend any exes, former flames, loves, just to be on the safe side. I’m sure there are rare exceptions to that rule but really, why would you need to friend an ex? I love Facebook but there are limits.

Sadly, Facebook has replaced having normal relationships and has made people entirely dependent on getting reassurance and socializing only from that site. That cannot be healthy.

Possibly if the ex was a best friend for years before you dated and then the relationship aspect didn’t work out, but you remained good friends.

 

[clem456]

Possibly if the ex was a best friend for years before you dated and then the relationship aspect didn’t work out, but you remained good friends.

This is trouble IMO. It’s still not -just- a friend. Me personally, I’m not that tough, if my wife remained in contact with an old love, that would bother me. There are plenty of friend possibilities out there without having an ex-lover around. Mixed messages, confusion, suspicion, no thanks.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

This is trouble IMO. It’s still not -just- a friend. Me personally, I’m not that tough, if my wife remained in contact with an old love, that would bother me. There are plenty of friend possibilities out there without having an ex-lover around. Mixed messages, confusion, suspicion, no thanks.

Ultimately, communication needs to be happening between the spouses. If the friendship bothers the spouse, the other spouse probably needs to break ties out of respect. However, this isn’t necessarily easy if it were a person you were friends with for 10 years before you ever dated and then the dating never got that serious. If both people are now married, it could easily be a non-issue for both of them as far as romantic feelings go. I think it could be argued that a man/woman having any close friends of the opposite sex is cause for suspicion and jealousy, especially if a lot of chatting is going on.

I think the other issue can be that asking a spouse to break ties from a very old friendship, can be a little controlling. It also could shut down communication. In other words, if a spouse know that his/her spouse is talking with this old friend, it is probably cause for less concern. When you have to worry is if you discover it by noticing something on your spouse’s account/phone that they’ve kept hidden from you.

I’m also in my 20s, so your FB friends aren’t necessarily taken seriously. Just because they are on your friends list, doesn’t mean that you are chatting with them all the time (and I have less friends on my list than many my age-in the 300 range). Sometimes, remaining friends with someone you dated on FB is seen more as a sign of being civil than it is that romantic feelings are still there.

 

[momtojeam]

I think the other issue can be that asking a spouse to break ties from a very old friendship, can be a little controlling. It also could shut down communication. In other words, if a spouse know that his/her spouse is talking with this old friend, it is probably cause for less concern. When you have to worry is if you discover it by noticing something on your spouse’s account/phone that they’ve kept hidden from you.

This is pretty accurate. I tend to be a bit ‘jealous’ myself, but I do my best not to be controlling. I have never really given my husband flack about this girl in the past. I think he knew that I wouldn’t be thrilled if he were chatting with her regularly. I think I told him years ago that I had a dream about him having an affair with her, which probably tipped him off that she bothers me. My point being, if I had found the convo, he wouldn’t have gotten ‘yelled’ at for contacting her (unless there was something inappropriate). My biggest concern is in the fact that he deleted it … I will always wonder if something else was said, or if they have talked more often that I know of…

Although we were friendly, I was always a little wary of this girl. She was part of my husbands circle of friends in college… she is emotionally needy - the type that always needs to be the center of attention in a group of guys. She’s a very cute girl… always had a crush on my husband, but he never really liked her… they never dated; it’s not a real ‘ex’ situation. They were friends on FB since before we married. I believe she is engaged now.

My gut feeling is that there is nothing going on… but I just can’t imagine what would have possessed him to say “come visit tonight”. My husband is that type that thinks women are generally annoying and avoids talking to them, I have never caught him flirting ever. Also disturbing, is that he responded from his cell phone (which is why the last comment didn’t get deleted)… which he would have never done for me

He has offered to delete his FB account entirely… and has promised that it will never happen again.

 

[Sillara]

He has offered to delete his FB account entirely… and has promised that it will never happen again.

I would actually take him up on this. Facebook is, in my opinion, of very dubious good and often quite demonstrable harm. And I would delete my own Facebook account, too.