Faith progressing at different rates and picking and choosing

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MaryRita85

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Hello all!
My husband and I were just Confirmed Saturday night!
Some background information…During this journey through RCIA, I have developed a lot with my faith. For a long time, I was an Atheist and not a good person, quite horrible. I had struggled a lot with Adultry and impure acts in general, this I can admit. I am now a completely changed person, I got to Mass a few times per week, my language has changed, my actions…I am the best I have ever been and I have no intention of straying. I love who I am becoming and don’t know how I ever let God out of my life in the first place.
On to my question and I will try to explain the best I can, my husband (perhaps because everything I have put him through) is not progressing so well as far as making actual change. The issue we are having is sexual in nature. What got us into RCIA is he wanted me to change, obviously, but it appears he wanted me to change the cheating but not all the other impure acts that went along. He wants me to do all these crazy things with him (threesomes,Pornography…etc), and most are not acceptable and I know this, whether it be with him or with someone else(obviously again). He is picking and choosing on what he wants me to change and this causing issues. I am following Catholicism and the teachings as best I know how and he wants me to not cheat but still do all these other unacceptable behaviors. I am not sure how to deal with this. Any advice would be helpful and if further clarification is needed I can provide that too.lol

ETA that was very embarrassing to write, but I must remember I have been granted absolution through confession.
 
Hmmm, so maybe he has not internalized the Church’s moral teachings. Is there any way you could arrange a talk between him and the pastor, a deacon, or someone else on what the Church teaches and more importantly why?

What have you communicated to him regarding why these things are now off the table?
 
That could be a possiblity. He went to Catholic school his whole life and he will admit he knows what the church says about Morals and what is acceptable. I think the whole Conversion was for me. He came with me but I think he just wanted me to change and he got more than he wanted, in my honest opinion. I don’t think he wanted to change the lifestyle , he just wanted to make sure no one else snuck in (with the cheating). I’m not sure if that makes since.

I have told him, why we can’t do these things anymore and thinks if we are married it shouldn’t matter and we should be able to do what we want.
 
Hello MaryRita85 🙂 (I see you’re a fellow Hoosier:thumbsup:)

The only advice I have is to pray for your husband. you said he went through RCIA but had gone to catholic school…was he confirmed this past Sat or was he baptized etc?

Talking to him is probably the first step but I should think that this will be something that you might have to endure for a while…people take a while to change…I’m a cradle Catholic and I really only had an awakening of my faith 5 years ago or so.
 
A threesome is cheating. Face to face. It is as he must know a mortal sin too. Knowing how hard you are trying to change and become a true Catholic (not just Catholic by name) I cannot understand how he could love you and disrepect you by even suggesting that you do such a thing. That’s not love, that’s the snares of the devil. Pray for him and I will too that our Blessed Lord have mercy on him. There is nothing imposible with God. Peace be with you. Brenda
 
Angel_Gabriel said:
Hello MaryRita85 🙂 (I see you’re a fellow Hoosier:thumbsup:)

The only advice I have is to pray for your husband. you said he went through RCIA but had gone to catholic school…was he confirmed this past Sat or was he baptized etc?

Talking to him is probably the first step but I should think that this will be something that you might have to endure for a while…people take a while to change…I’m a cradle Catholic and I really only had an awakening of my faith 5 years ago or so.
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Well hello:D
He was both Baptized, Confirmed and received First Communion at the Easter Vigil.
I know it will take time but he will always remind me of how I was willing to do all those things with the other men:( Yes, I did and I used to do them with him too but I am changed. As soon as I tell him I don’t feel comfortable doing something he throws my adultery back in my face(which I probably deserve). I know that takes a lot to forgive and forget but I feel if he would get closer to God he would feel better but it isn’t something I can do for him.
 
flower_lady said:
A threesome is cheating. Face to face. It is as he must know a mortal sin too. Knowing how hard you are trying to change and become a true Catholic (not just Catholic by name) I cannot understand how he could love you and disrepect you by even suggesting that you do such a thing. That’s not love, that’s the snares of the devil. Pray for him and I will too that our Blessed Lord have mercy on him. There is nothing imposible with God. Peace be with you. Brenda
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Thank you I appreciate it! Like I said, he wanted to change me but he didn’t forsee I would go in 100% as I know many don’t. I did though and I am happy. Like you said I want to be a good Catholic, not a Catholic by name.
 
And he doesn’t think it is cheating because it is with another woman, which I know is another issue in itself.
 
Stop telling yourself that you deserve for him to continually bring up the past. You went to confession and God has forgiven you. That should set you free. Don’t guilt trip. Most of us (or I know I have been) have been prodigal children, and we have all sinned. Tell him that unless he has not sinned to stop throwing stones. Bless you and your husband. Brenda
 
I commend you on your conversion. You must stand firm. This may be hard to swallow but if this is what your husband ask of you then you are nothing more than a piece of meat to him. A marriage is meant for the both of y’all to help each other get to Heaven, not the other place. If he really loves you he would respect you and not ask for nothing more. The rest in Love would follow, but that is not love. Pray Pray Pray!!!
 
flower_lady said:
Stop telling yourself that you deserve for him to continually bring up the past. You went to confession and God has forgiven you. That should set you free. Don’t guilt trip. Most of us (or I know I have been) have been prodigal children, and we have all sinned. Tell him that unless he has not sinned to stop throwing stones. Bless you and your husband. Brenda
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I still feel some guilt, yet I know I have been forgiven, I am working on that. I told him about the passage about letting the person without sin throw the first stone, he says his are not comprable.

He really is a great guy but is very bitter.
 
Southern said:
I commend you on your conversion. You must stand firm. This may be hard to swallow but if this is what your husband ask of you then you are nothing more than a piece of meat to him. A marriage is meant for the both of y’all to help each other get to Heaven, not the other place. If he really loves you he would respect you and not ask for nothing more. The rest in Love would follow, but that is not love. Pray Pray Pray!!!
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That I am, and he isn’t as bad as he used to be so hopefully it is a sign he is moving forward in his faith journey!
 
flower_lady said:
Stop telling yourself that you deserve for him to continually bring up the past. You went to confession and God has forgiven you. That should set you free. Don’t guilt trip. Most of us (or I know I have been) have been prodigal children, and we have all sinned. Tell him that unless he has not sinned to stop throwing stones. Bless you and your husband. Brenda
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Indeed, although perhaps rather than (or maybe in addition to, depending on the conversation’s tone) “unless you have not sinned don’t throw stones,” try “yes I did those things and they were bad and I will try to never do them again.”

It makes sense that he might have residual anger about past transgressions, and that that might partially blind him to the wrongness of the requests he’s making now, but he should certainly not use past transgressions to try to convince you transgress again.

It may be worth checking out “Marriage Encounter” or some such. Best of luck to you and your husband.
 
flower_lady said:
Stop telling yourself that you deserve for him to continually bring up the past. You went to confession and God has forgiven you. That should set you free. Don’t guilt trip. Most of us (or I know I have been) have been prodigal children, and we have all sinned. Tell him that unless he has not sinned to stop throwing stones. Bless you and your husband. Brenda
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This!

Also I must ask…why did he want to become Catholic? was it for you or for himself?
 
Iron_Donkey said:
Indeed, although perhaps rather than (or maybe in addition to, depending on the conversation’s tone) “unless you have not sinned don’t throw stones,” try “yes I did those things and they were bad and I will try to never do them again.”

It makes sense that he might have residual anger about past transgressions, and that that might partially blind him to the wrongness of the requests he’s making now, but he should certainly not use past transgressions to try to convince you transgress again.

It may be worth checking out “Marriage Encounter” or some such. Best of luck to you and your husband.
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Is that a book?
 
MaryRita85 said:
That I am, and he isn’t as bad as he used to be so hopefully it is a sign he is moving forward in his faith journey!
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Then you must stand behind him and support him by Praying and doing God’s Love. It is a sign and these things take time. We are all working progresses! LOL! God Bless you and your husband and God Is Crazy about y’all!
 
Angel_Gabriel said:
This!

Also I must ask…why did he want to become Catholic? was it for you or for himself?
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A few years back I mentioned that I was interested in converting and he talked me out of it(before children), he mentioned it last summer and so I decided to enter RCIA. I think it was for me, I am not sure he cares what faith he is, he just wants me to stop doing bad. That is wonderful but he has to be prepared to change with me.
 
Iron_Donkey said:
Indeed, although perhaps rather than (or maybe in addition to, depending on the conversation’s tone) “unless you have not sinned don’t throw stones,” try “yes I did those things and they were bad and I will try to never do them again.”

It makes sense that he might have residual anger about past transgressions, and that that might partially blind him to the wrongness of the requests he’s making now, but he should certainly not use past transgressions to try to convince you transgress again.

It may be worth checking out “Marriage Encounter” or some such. Best of luck to you and your husband.
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I have to concur here. I’m also guilty of plenty of sin in my marriage… and we got off to what most people would consider the “right start.” No sex before marriage with each other or anyone else, both Catholic, all that stuff. And yet it cropped up because of my deeply concealed addiction to pornography; something I thought was dead but came out a few years into the marriage.

I’ve repented. I’ve confessed my sins. I’ve received absolution. I’m in a recovery program and I’m sober. My wife has forgiven me but there’s still hurt there. There are still times when I get that stuff thrown back in my face. I don’t consider it unfair. I consider it counter-productive, but not unfair. She’s dealing with residual anger and a lack of trust. It was my action that hurt her and I have to accept the temporal repercussions that comes with that action.

OP I think you’d be best advised to take Iron Donkey’s counsel seriously. Your husband is going to deal with residual anger and resentment and all kinds of feelings for quite some time. You have to be patient with him and understanding. You have to accept that he will lash out from time to time or try to “get even” with the whole threesome requests and whatnot. I’m not saying even making such requests is morally acceptable because it’s not. I’m saying that he’s dealing with a lot of mixed emotions and his faith life is not strong.

Every time he throws it in your face that you did X, Y, Z, simply say something to the effect of: “Yes I did. I take responsibility for that. It was wrong. I am deeply sorry for wounding you so badly. I have repented and I’m living a life of penance for those sins. Part of my penance is to make our marriage and our family stronger by living out God’s commands in every aspect of our lives. But acceding to immoral requests is not going to make our marriage stronger or even improve our intimate lives.”
 
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