Faith progressing at different rates and picking and choosing

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MaryRita85 said:
A few years back I mentioned that I was interested in converting and he talked me out of it(before children), he mentioned it last summer and so I decided to enter RCIA. I think it was for me, I am not sure he cares what faith he is, he just wants me to stop doing bad. That is wonderful but he has to be prepared to change with me.
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You have my prayers! Take heart, a lot of us have been there…it’s a cross to bear that’s for sure, but if we let it, it can enrich us in ways we don’t always anticipate.
 
MaryRita85 said:
Well hello:D
He was both Baptized, Confirmed and received First Communion at the Easter Vigil.
I know it will take time but he will always remind me of how I was willing to do all those things with the other men:( Yes, I did and I used to do them with him too but I am changed. As soon as I tell him I don’t feel comfortable doing something he throws my adultery back in my face(which I probably deserve). I know that takes a lot to forgive and forget but I feel if he would get closer to God he would feel better but it isn’t something I can do for him.
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No, you do NOT deserve to have your sins thrown back in your face. This is a tool to manipulate you into doing what you know is wrong.

You must already know this, but he needs to give up the porn and that will do a lot to straighten out your intimate relationship. If he won’t give up the porn, you will have a problem on your hands since the longer men view it, the worse they get in terms of wanting kinkier sex.

I don’t know what you can do, maybe talk to his sponsor and your priest about this? You will be in my prayers.

And, WELCOME HOME!!!

👍:dancing::extrahappy: :clapping::yup:
 
The_Bucket said:
I have to concur here. I’m also guilty of plenty of sin in my marriage… and we got off to what most people would consider the “right start.” No sex before marriage with each other or anyone else, both Catholic, all that stuff. And yet it cropped up because of my deeply concealed addiction to pornography; something I thought was dead but came out a few years into the marriage.

I’ve repented. I’ve confessed my sins. I’ve received absolution. I’m in a recovery program and I’m sober. My wife has forgiven me but there’s still hurt there. There are still times when I get that stuff thrown back in my face. I don’t consider it unfair. I consider it counter-productive, but not unfair. She’s dealing with residual anger and a lack of trust. It was my action that hurt her and I have to accept the temporal repercussions that comes with that action.

OP I think you’d be best advised to take Iron Donkey’s counsel seriously. Your husband is going to deal with residual anger and resentment and all kinds of feelings for quite some time. You have to be patient with him and understanding. You have to accept that he will lash out from time to time or try to “get even” with the whole threesome requests and whatnot. I’m not saying even making such requests is morally acceptable because it’s not. I’m saying that he’s dealing with a lot of mixed emotions and his faith life is not strong.

Every time he throws it in your face that you did X, Y, Z, simply say something to the effect of: “Yes I did. I take responsibility for that. It was wrong. I am deeply sorry for wounding you so badly. I have repented and I’m living a life of penance for those sins. Part of my penance is to make our marriage and our family stronger by living out God’s commands in every aspect of our lives. But acceding to immoral requests is not going to make our marriage stronger or even improve our intimate lives.”
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Thank you!
“counter-productive, but not unfair” this was worded in a way that completely makes sense and I think he could even agree on that.
 
Jeremiah_29_11 said:
No, you do NOT deserve to have your sins thrown back in your face. This is a tool to manipulate you into doing what you know is wrong.

You must already know this, but he needs to give up the porn and that will do a lot to straighten out your intimate relationship. If he won’t give up the porn, you will have a problem on your hands since the longer men view it, the worse they get in terms of wanting kinkier sex.

I don’t know what you can do, maybe talk to his sponsor and your priest about this? You will be in my prayers.

And, WELCOME HOME!!!

👍:dancing::extrahappy::clapping::yup:
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Actually, I was the one who did the majority of the porn watching, so as to get me in the mood:blush:
I think I am not approaching conversation in the right way, you guys have been a huge help:thumbsup:
 
Hi Mary Rita, I too am a hoosier. It might help to remind your husband, if he really is a believer that somebody is always watching, and that nothing is ever really done in secret, that The Lord and his angels and saints are all around us, we sometimes forget this, were never ever really alone.
May God bless you both on your journey, I’ll say a prayer for you both.
 
MaryRita85 said:
Thank you!
“counter-productive, but not unfair” this was worded in a way that completely makes sense and I think he could even agree on that.
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What is fairness, you know? It’s human justice, not God’s justice. It’s perfectly fair for him to still be incensed. I honestly think he’s got every right to divorce you for repeatedly violating your marriage covenant. I think he could get an annulment if he so chose. You probably agree with that. Given your conversion, you’d probably be the first one to admit that you had no idea what Catholic marriage was all about when you got hitched.

But since he’s not going to go that route, what’s the use of hanging onto the anger? What’s the use of hanging on to the resentment? It’s not going to help him. It’s not going to help you. It’s not going to get either of you to heaven. Or even on a more practical level if his faith is not yet advanced enough, it’s not going to help him achieve some semblance of peace in his life if he hangs onto that anger.

Being mad and demanding some kind of recompense via immoral sex won’t make him feel better and it assuredly will not improve your marriage or help him be a better father. What kind of example does he want to set for his kids? That if someone hurts you it’s cool to extort them?

We’re all called to forgive one another. If he has decided to go beyond forgiveness and continue with the marriage, he should continue with the marriage and do everything he can to improve it.
 
The_Bucket said:
I have to concur here. I’m also guilty of plenty of sin in my marriage… and we got off to what most people would consider the “right start.” No sex before marriage with each other or anyone else, both Catholic, all that stuff. And yet it cropped up because of my deeply concealed addiction to pornography; something I thought was dead but came out a few years into the marriage.

I’ve repented. I’ve confessed my sins. I’ve received absolution. I’m in a recovery program and I’m sober. My wife has forgiven me but there’s still hurt there. There are still times when I get that stuff thrown back in my face. I don’t consider it unfair. I consider it counter-productive, but not unfair. She’s dealing with residual anger and a lack of trust. It was my action that hurt her and I have to accept the temporal repercussions that comes with that action.

OP I think you’d be best advised to take Iron Donkey’s counsel seriously. Your husband is going to deal with residual anger and resentment and all kinds of feelings for quite some time. You have to be patient with him and understanding. You have to accept that he will lash out from time to time or try to “get even” with the whole threesome requests and whatnot. I’m not saying even making such requests is morally acceptable because it’s not. I’m saying that he’s dealing with a lot of mixed emotions and his faith life is not strong.

Every time he throws it in your face that you did X, Y, Z, simply say something to the effect of: "Yes I did. I take responsibility for that. It was wrong. I am deeply sorry for wounding you so badly. I have repented and I’m living a life of penance for those sins. Part of my penance is to make our marriage and our family stronger by living out God’s commands in every aspect of our lives. But acceding to immoral requests is not going to make our marriage stronger or even improve our intimate lives."
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This whole post, but the bolded part, especially. That response either pricks his own heart, or he has a lot of work to do himself.
 
georget said:
Hi Mary Rita, I too am a hoosier. It might help to remind your husband, if he really is a believer that somebody is always watching, and that nothing is ever really done in secret, that The Lord and his angels and saints are all around us, we sometimes forget this, were never ever really alone.
May God bless you both on your journey, I’ll say a prayer for you both.
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This is so true and thank you.
Wow, a lot of Hoosiers on this board, that is awesome!😃
 
The_Bucket said:
What is fairness, you know? It’s human justice, not God’s justice. It’s perfectly fair for him to still be incensed. I honestly think he’s got every right to divorce you for repeatedly violating your marriage covenant. I think he could get an annulment if he so chose. You probably agree with that. Given your conversion, you’d probably be the first one to admit that you had no idea what Catholic marriage was all about when you got hitched.

But since he’s not going to go that route, what’s the use of hanging onto the anger? What’s the use of hanging on to the resentment? It’s not going to help him. It’s not going to help you. It’s not going to get either of you to heaven. Or even on a more practical level if his faith is not yet advanced enough, it’s not going to help him achieve some semblance of peace in his life if he hangs onto that anger.

Being mad and demanding some kind of recompense via immoral sex won’t make him feel better and it assuredly will not improve your marriage or help him be a better father. What kind of example does he want to set for his kids? That if someone hurts you it’s cool to extort them?

We’re all called to forgive one another. If he has decided to go beyond forgiveness and continue with the marriage, he should continue with the marriage and do everything he can to improve it.
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I agree completely. I told him when I confessed to him that I would understand entirely if he wanted to divorce and he wanted ot move forward. I want to help him, I know how much better I feel and I know if he has the same kind of change we could have a wonderful marriage. I said you have to move on, you don’t have to forget what I did but we can’t move on if you are still obsessed over my past. I did very wrong, I apologized to him, confessed to God and have stood true on my promise to be a good Catholic. He has to let go and I feel bad saying that because I was entirely in the wrong but if the choice is to stay and work things out that is what needs to be done.
 
Jeremiah_29_11 said:
This whole post, but the bolded part, especially. That response either pricks his own heart, or he has a lot of work to do himself.
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He does have a lot of work. I’m not sure if sins can be ranked by severity but if so, mine were definitely worse but no matter the sin, it is still wrong. I told him that I am trying and he isn’t perfect and can definitely use help too.
 
The_Bucket said:
I have to concur here. I’m also guilty of plenty of sin in my marriage… and we got off to what most people would consider the “right start.” No sex before marriage with each other or anyone else, both Catholic, all that stuff. And yet it cropped up because of my deeply concealed addiction to pornography; something I thought was dead but came out a few years into the marriage.

I’ve repented. I’ve confessed my sins. I’ve received absolution. I’m in a recovery program and I’m sober. My wife has forgiven me but there’s still hurt there. There are still times when I get that stuff thrown back in my face. I don’t consider it unfair. I consider it counter-productive, but not unfair. She’s dealing with residual anger and a lack of trust. It was my action that hurt her and I have to accept the temporal repercussions that comes with that action.

OP I think you’d be best advised to take Iron Donkey’s counsel seriously. Your husband is going to deal with residual anger and resentment and all kinds of feelings for quite some time. You have to be patient with him and understanding. You have to accept that he will lash out from time to time or try to “get even” with the whole threesome requests and whatnot. I’m not saying even making such requests is morally acceptable because it’s not. I’m saying that he’s dealing with a lot of mixed emotions and his faith life is not strong.

Every time he throws it in your face that you did X, Y, Z, simply say something to the effect of: “Yes I did. I take responsibility for that. It was wrong. I am deeply sorry for wounding you so badly. I have repented and I’m living a life of penance for those sins. Part of my penance is to make our marriage and our family stronger by living out God’s commands in every aspect of our lives. But acceding to immoral requests is not going to make our marriage stronger or even improve our intimate lives.”
Click to expand...
 
MaryRita85 said:
He does have a lot of work. I’m not sure if sins can be ranked by severity but if so, mine were definitely worse but no matter the sin, it is still wrong. I told him that I am trying and he isn’t perfect and can definitely use help too.
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Tell him the big thing he needs to acknowledge is the use of pornography. If he won’t acknowledge that as sin, you have a big problem to deal with beyond your own adultery. The porn has to get out of your house and out of his life, period.
 
I agree with you. It won’t be easy for either of them. My advice was not to say he won’t do it, but that in her heart she should know that God has forgiven her and she no longer should have a need to guilt trip, regarless to what he says. (Not to say he won’t say it,LOL!)
 
Jeremiah_29_11 said:
Tell him the big thing he needs to acknowledge is the use of pornography. If he won’t acknowledge that as sin, you have a big problem to deal with beyond your own adultery. The porn has to get out of your house and out of his life, period.
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Well he doesn’t care for it but that is how I have always gotten in the mood, so he wants me to watch it so that I do want to be intimate. That is partially my fault, but it can’t be in our house nonetheless.
 
flower_lady said:
I agree with you. It won’t be easy for either of them. My advice was not to say he won’t do it, but that in her heart she should know that God has forgiven her and she no longer should have a need to guilt trip, regarless to what he says. (Not to say he won’t say it,LOL!)
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That is so freeing to me. I have struggled with guilt my entire life and to know that I am forgiven by God is wonderful because I have never been good at forgiving myself and God is all that does matter.
 
MaryRita85 said:
That is so freeing to me. I have struggled with guilt my entire life and to know that I am forgiven by God is wonderful because I have never been good at forgiving myself and God is all that does matter.
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Do you look at EWTN? Once Mother Angelica said and I will never forget it for as long as I live.
“It is an insult to God to think that our sins are greater than His mercy.”
 
I have to reinforce the idea others brought up of some kind of counseling session or marriage encounter/Retrouvaille experience. Right now he might just be seeing your conversion and your being “free” and him not experiencing any of it. He might be stuck in the proverbial mud and see no real upside here except that you’ll stop the adultery. You know what I mean?

If you move away from “we can’t do X, Y, Z” to “we should be doing A, B, C to strengthen our marriage, our family and our relationships with God” that might at least get you going in the right direction.

All I can say is that I know a lot of people who are sex addicts thanks to my own addiction. Many of them do not share our Catholic religion. Many of them are married. Almost to a man (and woman) they agree that they have to get rid of all the junk to have any kind of real relationship. Even many of them who are part of belief systems which do not condemn pornography or masturbation are the first to admit that porn is insidious and corrupting.

Basically my point is that many even Christian folks are only a little uncomfortable with pornography, but sex addicts will agree that it needs to be out in a marriage. Take the advice from those who have been there; if even something as “harmless” as pornography is bad news for a marriage, how much worse are the kinds of things he’s asking for? It’s only going to lead to a darker spiral.
 
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