Falling in love with a girl..but she is falling in love with someone else

[EasterJoy]

It depends. The OP specifically said she requested no contact. Restraining orders are given often for this sort of thing. In fact the mere fact that he is questioning weather to respect her request publicly is a red flag. I think it is possible that what we have here is a case of misunderstanding what “in love” means. Remember we are getting the side of the story from one person. I look at this and dont necessarily wonder why she is so cold but I wonder what happened to make her cut off all contact with someone whom the OP says she has been very close to since gradeschool. That seems drastic and I would have to consider that something happened to make her take such a stance.

Either way, a restraining order is mild compared to what would happen if my daughter told me she requested someone leave her alone and he didn’t.

What ever happened to gentlemen acting like gentlemen?

It could be that she over reacted and our OPs unrequited love should be followed with all the passion of an English romance novel BUT, I think in this day and age and especially on public forums we should be encouraging the safest, healthiest response.

Whatever happened to ladies acting like ladies? “She frankly told me that she is falling for someone, but it’s not me” wasn’t just frank. It was* cold*.

I’m thinking of the half-dozen young fellows I have known since gradeschool. Now I’m pretending in my mind that after that ten years or so of childhood friendship, I elected to started to date one of them.

OK, now I meet Prince Charming, the man of my dreams, the man who didn’t have me there to watch his baby teeth gradually replaced. I’m smitten with him…I say “I think I’m falling for him.” Hmmm. Now, what do I do about my Old Friend Bob? I had gradually been realizing that Bob and I didn’t have a future, but I didn’t get around to doing anything about it. Now I’m stuck. Holding onto comfortable Old Bob as my faithful sidekick until I found someone else that makes me decide to ditch him is not a nice thing to do. All my friends will see what I’m doing. It embarrasses me. What I would really like is to not have to face the unpleasant truth about what I’m going to have to do: Hurt my old friend so I can chase someone else.

How about I just get Good Old Bob to kindly exit stage right without any drawn-out explanations, without any dramas? Out of sight, out of mind, have a nice life, Bob. Let Bob sort out Bob’s feelings without me. It’s going to be painful to watch, I’m going to feel guilty, I just don’t want to go there.

So what do I do? I tell Old Bob to empty his desk, I give him a gold watch and a pat on the back, and I expect him to retire in grace. “You’re not my man any more, you’re fired, goodbye, Bob! We’ll always treasure the contributions you made here at Acme!!” You say the employers in my analogy could call the police if Bob didn’t clear out, and they could. You are 100% right about that. I’m saying that I know just what the other employees would think about that particular manager at the Acme Company, the one who fired Bob has he did, and that was before he had the chutzpah to call the cops on the “formerly treasured” employee because he doesn’t cope well with this stunning and unexpected rejection. How about you?

I think he should honor her wish that he not email or text her–for his own sanity if nothing else, because he doesn’t need to find out what else she has in mind for her “treasured” friend–but what she did was very rude, and her “I’ll always treasure our friendship” line was just this side of ridiculous. It’s a real “treasured” friend that you tell to stop contacting you! Treasured, my foot. She wasn’t frank. She ditched him like an old shoe and wants to do so with no emotional consequences. She ought to feel guilty.

If I had done that to one of our neighbor boys, a kid that my dad had known for a dozen years, it wouldn’t be the neighbor kid who would be on my dad’s bad side. It would be me.

But yes, our OP should not text or email her. He should, however, feel as if keeping out of the way in public is her job, not his. He can hold up his head. She…maybe not so much. He may forgive her and reconcile in time, but right now what he should not do is to act as if he’s the one who did something wrong here. He deserves to travel with a free conscience, and when he sees her in public, to look her straight in the eye. I hope he does.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Not another chance. We have been friends since grade school. Hope you understand what I mean.

I am whole with my life. Should she love me back, great! I am not going to consider my life incomplete if she don’t. But I admit I am really hurt. She is a dear friend to me…I don’t want to loose our friendship.

I am sorry, too, but the relationship has just ended. She said she wants nothing more to do with you. Don’t bother trying to have a friendship any more. If she were to come back, you might always wonder, “Am I just your second choice, after your main attraction fell through?” And she might have those motives. The relationship balance is forever disrupted, so let her go and move on. Your own future wife awaits you elsewhere, and this girl would take up your heart real estate for nothing.

Let it go and move on.

 

[Moore11]

Whatever happened to ladies acting like ladies? “She frankly told me that she is falling for someone, but it’s not me” wasn’t just frank. It was* cold*.

I’m thinking of the half-dozen young fellows I have known since gradeschool. Now I’m pretending in my mind that after that ten years or so of childhood friendship, I elected to started to date one of them.

OK, now I meet Prince Charming, the man of my dreams, the man who didn’t have me there to watch his baby teeth gradually replaced. I’m smitten with him…I say “I think I’m falling for him.” Hmmm. Now, what do I do about my Old Friend Bob? I had gradually been realizing that Bob and I didn’t have a future, but I didn’t get around to doing anything about it. Now I’m stuck. Holding onto comfortable Old Bob as my faithful sidekick until I found someone else that makes me decide to ditch him is not a nice thing to do. All my friends will see what I’m doing. It embarrasses me. What I would really like is to not have to face the unpleasant truth about what I’m going to have to do: Hurt my old friend so I can chase someone else.

How about I just get Good Old Bob to kindly exit stage right without any drawn-out explanations, without any dramas? Out of sight, out of mind, have a nice life, Bob. Let Bob sort out Bob’s feelings without me. It’s going to be painful to watch, I’m going to feel guilty, I just don’t want to go there.

So what do I do? I tell Old Bob to empty his desk, I give him a gold watch and a pat on the back, and I expect him to retire in grace. “You’re not my man any more, you’re fired, goodbye, Bob! We’ll always treasure the contributions you made here at Acme!!” You say the employers in my analogy could call the police if Bob didn’t clear out, and they could. You are 100% right about that. I’m saying that I know just what the other employees would think about that particular manager at the Acme Company, the one who fired Bob has he did, and that was before he had the chutzpah to call the cops on the “formerly treasured” employee because he doesn’t cope well with this stunning and unexpected rejection. How about you?

I think he should honor her wish that he not email or text her–for his own sanity if nothing else, because he doesn’t need to find out what else she has in mind for her “treasured” friend–but what she did was very rude, and her “I’ll always treasure our friendship” line was just this side of ridiculous. It’s a real “treasured” friend that you tell to stop contacting you! Treasured, my foot. She wasn’t frank. She ditched him like an old shoe and wants to do so with no emotional consequences. She ought to feel guilty.

If I had done that to one of our neighbor boys, a kid that my dad had known for a dozen years, it wouldn’t be the neighbor kid who would be on my dad’s bad side. It would be me.

But yes, our OP should not text or email her. He should, however, feel as if keeping out of the way in public is her job, not his. He can hold up his head. She…maybe not so much. He may forgive her and reconcile in time, but right now what he should not do is to act as if he’s the one who did something wrong here. He deserves to travel with a free conscience, and when he sees her in public, to look her straight in the eye. I hope he does.

Everybody has personal experiences, heartbreaks, and wounds that can make us see different points. The reality is that you dont know if she is cold, we dont know anything at all. The only thing we do know are these facts

1. They have been “close” since gradeschool.
   We can assume she has not done this before so why the big break now? Unless this is something that happens often with them then I would charitably assume that in her mind she needs to end contact for a while. It could be because of her own doubts or weaknesses or it could be something that is more serious.
2. She has declared she wants no contact.
3. He is questioning if he should honor this request from someone he supposedly cares about.

If I know those three facts. That a woman is breaking off contact and is asking to be left alone and the guy is questioning if he should. All I see are red flags.

Now I know that we all bring our own baggage and hurts from the past but a woman requesting no contact and a guy questioning that on the internet is a non negotiable.

Your advice to not talk to her is right on, you reason for it is secondary to her rights as a woman and human to be left alone. Period.

She may be cold (though I dont think we have the whole story)
She may be out of line
She may change her mind and come crawling back to him.
She may be being controlled by her new love.
She may be fearful of her safety for no reason
She may be fearful of her safety for a valid reason
she may be just plain nuts
She may be mean.
She may want him to “chase” her.

All of the above does not matter.
A woman says leave me alone, you leave her alone. P.E.R.I.O.D.
Why would that even be debatable?

I wonder if she has an involved dad? If so, look out!

 

[alitaptap]

What does it mean when she said “i’m glad i was the object of it”?

Our elementary school batch has a fun page on facebook. Somebody posted a question something like “who was your favorite classmate in gradeschool? and why?”

I answered, "Mine was <my friend’s name>.

She replied to my reply, “How come I was your favorite I never recalled that we talked before? You were quite, shy type and find it hard to initiate any conversations before.”

I told her that although I didn’t have the courage to initiate discussions but I had a human side as well etc etc

*Note: I did not include some of her statments here. *

But I could not get the past the following part of her answer:

She said, “…I’m glad I was the object of it.”

What does it mean to you when someone said it?

 

[Maria1212]

I am sorry you are hurting. Turn to God, lay your pain before him, and pray. Continue to pray for your friend and pray that God heal’s your broken heart. But please respect your friend’s request about no contact.

I ended a relationship with a man, and for my own personal (and very valid reasons) requested he not contact me again. He attempted to several times, even years after my request. The relationship I had with him was very unhealthy and hurtful for me. My request might have sounded cruel to those who did not know the whole story, but it was valid.

No matter what her reasons were, or how wonderful you are, for the simple reason that you care about her, please respect her request. Had my ex-boyfriend given me time, maybe we could have been friends down the road. But because he did not respect my request, I have know desire to be friends now.

Pray for your friend and respect her decision. That is the best gift you can giver her. I will keep you both in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[Moore11]

What does it mean when she said “i’m glad i was the object of it”?

Our elementary school batch has a fun page on facebook. Somebody posted a question something like “who was your favorite classmate in gradeschool? and why?”

I answered, "Mine was <my friend’s name>.

She replied to my reply, “How come I was your favorite I never recalled that we talked before? You were quite, shy type and find it hard to initiate any conversations before.”

I told her that although I didn’t have the courage to initiate discussions but I had a human side as well etc etc

*Note: I did not include some of her statments here. *

But I could not get the past the following part of her answer:

She said, “…I’m glad I was the object of it.”

What does it mean to you when someone said it?

I think this only proves my point and I hope you understand that this is not meant to be mean but you need to stop all contact or even thought of her. You stated that you were close fiends since grade school and here she indicates she did not even talk to you. I think you should seek some ways to learn and cope with this situation but it is imperative that you cease all contact. My spidy senses were tingling and now they are full blown yelling.

It is quite common for shy people to completely misread an entire situation and there is nothing wrong with that. But your view of the situation is probably not the reality. She does not love you, move on.
You have not been close friends and I dont think you are in love. I think you are confused. I hope things work out and I will pray for you but I hope things work out for her to. Please leave her alone before it hurts you and her.

why are you having trouble with that part of the statement? there is only one thing you need to understand. She did not know you well, and she wants to be left alone. Period.

 

[fpt]

She thanked me for the friendship and she said she will always treasure it. But she decided to break all contacts altogether…She requested me not to send her text messages or send her an email. She frankly told me that she is falling for someone, but it’s not me.

It hurts, but I should respect and understand her decision. She has been part of my circle of friends since grade school. Do we need to cut off all our contacts?

If you are really in love, in your side, if it is a potential conjugal love (a true love because you wish, you hope and you want the catholic marriage with her, even if for this time, all seems to be finished:

**You should pray for her, for you, for you (her and you, you and her, her with you, and you with her), for your future couple, and if God wants it, it will be a wonderful start for you and her. ** **Ask to Holy Trinity, to Mary, to Saint-Joseph, to your Patron Saint, to her Patron Saint. **

During this time, the reasonnable delay, stays a friend, even from far away, stay quiet on your true love, even if that is very difficult. Wait, hope, pray and wait until the miracle. The intentions of masses for her, you, and fir her and you, why not???

And if after a reasonnable time there is nothing, keep going you life, try to forget her. And may be, your private prayers will permit you to find out the good girl or to be with her, your love.

 

[PHSshamrock]

Not another chance. We have been friends since grade school. Hope you understand what I mean.

I am whole with my life. Should she love me back, great! I am not going to consider my life incomplete if she don’t. But I admit I am really hurt. She is a dear friend to me…I don’t want to loose our friendship.

Have tried telling her this?

 

[chevalier]

In the United States if you do not respect her decision to not contact her you would be given a restraining order, after that, jail. So, I think it goes without saying that you should respect her decision. You don’t have to understand it or like it but you MUST respect it.
To do otherwise is a sign of a big problem.

In fairness, that’s one of the couple of things where I think the American culture is losing its grip on reality. (For the record, I’m a criminal lawyer from Europe and not an unlitigious one for our standards.) Yeah, you should stop contacting her if she doesn’t want you to. No, you don’t need to affirm her right to make such a decision and go out of your way to mark your respect for it. Just act normal about it. Restraining order? There’s no place for a restraining order where an abandoned friend or potential romantic interest slips an e-mail or two too many for want of conclusion.

IMHO it’s a sign of a problem when actual, judicial restraining orders are mentioned in such contexts. That’s really not what courts are for. Plus, from a psychological standpoint, it’s unnatural for someone to cut off contact abruptly and dictate that there should be no reply. In fact, I would be worried about the emotional health of a man who actually were able to cut it off like that in an immediate response to an abruptly communicated wish. Like switch it off on demand. Anyway, maybe I’m reading too much into what you’re saying. For the record, the OP is not betraying any signs of wanting to stalk the woman, no abnormal behaviour whatsoever.

Not another chance. We have been friends since grade school. Hope you understand what I mean.

I am whole with my life. Should she love me back, great! I am not going to consider my life incomplete if she don’t. But I admit I am really hurt. She is a dear friend to me…I don’t want to loose our friendship.

For one, I’m not overly impressed with women who are even capable of cutting men off like that (liberty of speech is a great thing). Or people who would cut friends off like that, as if they were disposable. People need to learn to form bilateral relationships (romantic or friendly or any other) instead of handing down unilateral decisions.

This said, you’ve got to play by her decision just like Moore said.

Also, if she actually were to love you back, you’d still need to consider the meaning of her style of communication.

 

[Breezy16]

That ain’t pretty, but it happens.

 

[exoflare]

She said, “…I’m glad I was the object of it.”

What does it mean to you when someone said it?

It means you gave her an ego boost.

Like everybody else keeps telling you, break all contact and move on.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

While it feels hurtful now, your unrequited love is actually doing you a favor to ask to cut off all contact. It will allow you to work through your emotions for her, and be able to someday notice a special someone that can return those strong feelings.