Falling Out of Love With Wife

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HopefulShepherd

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This is really hard to write, because I feel like a bad person, but I have nowhere else to really turn and I want to be as honest as possible. My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. We’ve been married for about 4, and have a beautiful child together.

Although we’ve been married for 4 years, I’ve had doubts about our relationship even before we were married. I went through with the wedding, because I had a terminally ill parent and wanted them to be at my wedding I almost left my wife a few months into the marriage (I understand it was wrong, but I was very unhappy), and then I found-out she was pregnant.

Now it’s two years later and there is little to no affection between us (I don’t mean sex either, because that is not the issue, but when we do she is even rather un-affectionate in that as well). We don’t fight that much, but there is just this absence of warmth and/or feelings of love on both sides (I believe the blame lies somewhere in the middle). Please don’t get me wrong, I would never get a divorce, because I wouldn’t do that to God, or our child. But I am incredibly unhappy, and the longer time goes on, the more unattracted I become to her physically and as a person.

I’ve talked to several priests about this, but didn’t get any real advice except to pray and hang in there. I realize that our vows were until death, but it’s a depressing thought that her dying is the only way out of this unhappiness.

I’m sorry to babble on, and I’m not even sure if anyone will read this, but I just need to vent. Prayers and patience haven’t really helped. I almost resent seeing happy couples, because I haven’t felt that in so long. I’m just so frustrated, and at times recently that frustration has boiled over and been taken out on the wrong people or situations. I never expected it to be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard.

Thanks for reading. Has anyone been through this? Or have any advice?
 
You dated for six years before getting married. That’s a really, really long time to date and then to discover that you don’t really like your spouse. What happened? What does your wife think about you and the marriage?

Have you tried counseling?
 
I’d like to recommend a Marriage Encounter retreat. I don’t know any specifics about where to find one, but you can probably search online.

Love is something that is done, an action, and not something that can be acquired. It usually takes painful sacrifice on both parts. The beauty of it is this is how Christ showed us how to do it, so the model is there already. In my personal experience back in the day, I had to give up a lot of things and force myself to see our marriage through my spouses eyes. It was extremely difficult, but I prayed for perseverance and received it. Eventually compromise became a unified relationship.

Remember that your Marriage is not just between the two of you, but includes God.

Clichés keep popping in my head, but I am resisting the temptation. You are not alone. Seriously, I think a Marriage Encounter weekend retreat would be a great starting point.

May Almighty God smile upon you and your spouse, and I pray that your covenant will be renewed and strengthened.
 
How sad that you married with your heart not in the decision but because you wished to please a parent. Sad that your heart and mind were not in the vows.
God bless and aid you both
 
Just :twocents: I am going to say.

Love is an act of the will, it is NOT a feeling.

(Infatuation, Lust, Passion) people often mistake these for love.
You can FEEL all of these AND NOT really love that person.

Love is to will the good of the other despite our own “feelings” it is forgiving (willing to NOT see) our partner’s defects.

As others have commented try to get some counselling, maybe you can yet “salvage” your matrimony and who knows maybe you can also find TRUE love.

Peace!
 
Sorry to hear about your problems.

I guess I am not the right person to give advice when it comes to marriage, mostly because I am divorced. But you have a child, focus on that. A good divorce is better then a bad marriage. No matter how young your kid is, he/she can sense the “coldness” between you and your wife.

Counseling may help, but it is not sure. There comes a time in a marriage that has gone bad when divorce is the best solution. (I think my divorce was the best thing ever to happen for me.) I am not a priest, and I may have got this wrong, and yes, I should spend more hours with the CCC but I don’t have that time, you do actually not promise God to stay married for the rest of your life, you make the oath in front of God. And a divorce is not a sin. I understand that you are confused, and not sure about anything right now, but the longer this “standstill” remain nobody enjoy the life. I understand also that you feel a very strong need to keep your vow. I must also mention that a divorce mean that your sex-life is over if you decide to seek divorce, but I think you should think about a divorce as “plan B”, or make it “plan A”. From what I understand you did hesitate from the beginning, and that should be seen as a factor that could later on be used if you want a annulment. How heavy it is I don’t know. But I think that the best thing you can do, for the sake of your child, your wife and your self, is to keep divorce in mind as the best option [right now] for all of you.
 
I understand what a difficult dilemma this might be for you. But remember that as long as you love each other with a platform of Filial and Agape love, you will be ok. That’s the real foundation of a marriage. Romantic love and affection is all about feelings which are changeable. Boredom in a marriage is quite normal but it is also avoidable.

I suggest you do some google searches and find a Couples Catholic Retreat (weekend or something like that), which might help resolve issues that you didn’t even know were there on both sides.

I pray that this turns out well for you and your children.
 
In reading your post I can see how troubled you are but leaving your family should not be the solution. Get some advice from a priest and find a good Catholic marriage counselor. Keep in mind that the years that your kids are preschool can be very challenging for the parents but especially for the stay at home parent. This is especially true when the parent does not have the skills to get organized. You and your wife really need to get some help from a counselor to work on all these issues.There is a solution to your problems.

You said that you have known your wife for ten years and were a couple for four years. You have had many opportunities to see her from all sides. By the way, you have a very long list of the ways that she annoys you and I wonder if she has a similar list regarding your faults. You might be surprised. Try to focus on her good points and try to improve the way you interact with her.Love and respect are key.

Get some good advice but hang in there. Many couples going through a hard stretch find that five years later the situation greatly improved and they were happy that they did not pursue divorce.
 
WOW!!! HOW JESUS MUST LOVE YOU TO GIVE YOU SUCH A SHARE OF HIS SUFFERING!!!

You are in an AMAZING situation - you are poised to become a MIGHTY prayer warrior! The suffering you are experiencing in your every day life can be the saving LIFE line for people in Purgatory, people with terminal illnesses, people with sick or dying children! MY GOD man, this is not a bad life - this is an INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY TO BECOME A SAINT!!!

now get to work. and btw - I need you to offer all your suffering and unhappiness for my nephew Ryan - please ask Our Lord to call to him loud enough to bring him home to The Church.

Thank you.👍
 
Lasting_faith said:
Sorry to hear about your problems.

I guess I am not the right person to give advice when it comes to marriage, mostly because I am divorced. But you have a child, focus on that. A good divorce is better then a bad marriage. No matter how young your kid is, he/she can sense the “coldness” between you and your wife.

Counseling may help, but it is not sure. There comes a time in a marriage that has gone bad when divorce is the best solution. (I think my divorce was the best thing ever to happen for me.) I am not a priest, and I may have got this wrong, and yes, I should spend more hours with the CCC but I don’t have that time, you do actually not promise God to stay married for the rest of your life, you make the oath in front of God. And a divorce is not a sin. I understand that you are confused, and not sure about anything right now, but the longer this “standstill” remain nobody enjoy the life. I understand also that you feel a very strong need to keep your vow. I must also mention that a divorce mean that your sex-life is over if you decide to seek divorce, but I think you should think about a divorce as “plan B”, or make it “plan A”. From what I understand you did hesitate from the beginning, and that should be seen as a factor that could later on be used if you want a annulment. How heavy it is I don’t know. But I think that the best thing you can do, for the sake of your child, your wife and your self, is to keep divorce in mind as the best option [right now] for all of you.
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I cringe when I read this. Catholics should not be encouraging others, especially another Catholic, to get a divorce, unless it is a situation involving abuse. And it is not true that kids are better off with divorced parents. Divorce is deeply harmful to children. Marriage is a covenant, for life. And for all practical purposes, there is no difference between taking marriage vows “to” God and “before” God.
Lasting_faith said:
But I think that the best thing you can do, for the sake of your child, your wife and your self, is to keep divorce in mind as the best option [right now] for all of you.
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No. Divorce should not even be on the table as an option here. The focus should be on saving the marriage and renewing the love and committment that they have promised to one another.
 
I’m pretty sure our Lord did suffer and die on a cross because he felt like it. Yet this is how he loved us,

Love is an act of the will. It has nothing to do with feelings. Feelings fade, and that is true for all married couples, no matter how long they have been together. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. But many of these same couples have remained in love with each other because they have chosen to do so.

If you want a model on what love really is, look at a crucifix. That is the kind of love expected of all married couples.
 
If you went through with the wedding because you had a terminally ill parent, you may have grounds for an Annulment in the church. There has got to be someone in the Diocese offices who can recommend someone knowledgeable you can talk with. If divorce and Annulment aren’t a road you want to take right now, the Diocese should be able to recommend a good counselor.

Good luck with this. I can only imagine the pain you’re suffering right now.
 
I’m so sorry for the pain you and your wife are experiencing in your marriage. Having very young children is so challenging on a relationship. So is the death of a parent. That’s a way of saying your marriage has had a rough start–but it doesn’t need to stay that way.

Here are a few suggestions:
  1. Find a marriage counselor and/or go on a marriage retreat. Now is the time to double down on your marriage. Put more effort into it than you ever have before. Be open-minded and willing to do what it takes to get out of this funk.
  2. Date nights. Do whatever is necessary to have a weekly date night together. Ask another couple to babysit if money is tight. Get outside. Take a class together.
  3. Pray for your wife each day.
I’ll be praying for you two!
 
To the child(ren), an annulment (which usually follows a divorce) doesn’t make the crash landing anything less than the profound, unalterable tragedy it is for him or her. Find contentment where you are, make a decision to be happy, cheerful, and kind to others. You have to serve others, put your self-love on the cross and move forward. Don’t condemn your child to a divorce. Don’t make your wife an adultress by divorcing her. You should be very afraid of entertaining the idea of divorce. I would recommend that you seek counseling for depression as well. Pax Christi.
 
I can sympathize with your situation. I have dealt with some significant issues in my own marriage and though the main problem is 100% better now, I am still trying to win back that lovin’ feeling. I don’t blame myself for all my husbands’ actions, but I am not totally innocent myself. What has been helpful for me is empathy.

In all charity, it sounds as if you don’t really want to be married. I get why people sometimes do, and I feel that way myself sometimes. However, women are pretty good at telling when a man feels this way, and if your wife sees this it could be the source of her coldness toward you. If you only married to please a dying parent, almost left a few months in, and now dislike your wife, then I doubt that you are showing love towards her in a way that would inspire her reciprocation.

Perhaps your wife is also just toughing it out for the sake of the child, both of you waiting for the other to make the first steps to rebuild the relationship. Women show love when they feel loved, and if your wife feels tolerated and resented and taken for granted, she won’t feel very loved.

I think that you owe it to your child, your wife and yourself to engage in your marriage with your whole heart. No “hanging in there” but acting as if your wife is your one true love and you couldn’t be more grateful for her. Wake up everyday thinking what you can do to make her life better. Be the hero of your marriage. No woman can resist that.

It can be hard to put aside our pride when we feel, justly or not, that we have been wronged by someone who was supposed to love us the most, but sometimes the first step to recovering a truly happy marriage is to act wholeheartedly on affection that we only wish that we felt. Action can create emotion.

Prayers for you.
 
Marriages, like prayer lives, can have dry periods. That does not mean that the marriage is bad. Sometimes, too, what makes a marriage “bad” is a problem that can be changed with recognition, patience, and good faith effort.

Try saying five positive things to her for every negative thing. Be specific about the positive things, and always word the negative things as an isolated act or a problem that can be addressed, rather than as a personal trait.
Try finding things about her for which you are thankful.
Try to see difficulties you have with her as problems to be addressed instead of permanent problems between her character and yours.
Think back to things you used to enjoy doing together and don’t do anymore. Try to find something like that to invite her to do with you…to rekindle the friendship.

See if your library has a book by John Gottman. There is a lot of information in there to give you something to think about.

Most of all, resolve to think about this not as “why am I in this marriage?” but rather “what can I do to make our marriage better?” You’re not going anywhere, so don’t put that in your planning thought process. If the thought comes up, don’t punish yourself for it. Just dismiss it as unrealistic and unhelpful as a solution to your problem.
 
Lasting_faith said:
Sorry to hear about your problems.

I guess I am not the right person to give advice when it comes to marriage, mostly because I am divorced. But you have a child, focus on that. A good divorce is better then a bad marriage. No matter how young your kid is, he/she can sense the “coldness” between you and your wife.

Counseling may help, but it is not sure. There comes a time in a marriage that has gone bad when divorce is the best solution. (I think my divorce was the best thing ever to happen for me.) I am not a priest, and I may have got this wrong, and yes, I should spend more hours with the CCC but I don’t have that time, you do actually not promise God to stay married for the rest of your life, you make the oath in front of God. And a divorce is not a sin. I understand that you are confused, and not sure about anything right now, but the longer this “standstill” remain nobody enjoy the life. I understand also that you feel a very strong need to keep your vow. I must also mention that a divorce mean that your sex-life is over if you decide to seek divorce, but I think you should think about a divorce as “plan B”, or make it “plan A”. From what I understand you did hesitate from the beginning, and that should be seen as a factor that could later on be used if you want a annulment. How heavy it is I don’t know. But I think that the best thing you can do, for the sake of your child, your wife and your self, is to keep divorce in mind as the best option [right now] for all of you.
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Actually, divorce absolutely can be a sin, particularly when there is no infidelity or abuse, but rather discontent–even deep discontent! It should not be a “plan”, but something only considered when the couple cannot realistically live together in peace and safety as a family. When infidelity or strife make separation necessary, divorce can be tolerable when it is the only practical way to justly divide assets. When it is avoidable, however, it is seriously wrong. It is to be ardently avoided, and should not even be entertained as an option when a serious reason does not force the question.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I cringe when I read this. Catholics should not be encouraging others, especially another Catholic, to get a divorce, unless it is a situation involving abuse. And it is not true that kids are better off with divorced parents. Divorce is deeply harmful to children. Marriage is a covenant, for life. And for all practical purposes, there is no difference between taking marriage vows “to” God and “before” God.

No. Divorce should not even be on the table as an option here. The focus should be on saving the marriage and renewing the love and committment that they have promised to one another.
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Sometimes love is not just enough, and what good can a bad marriage do to a child. At some point this child must pick what side he/she is on. I understand that at marriage is for life, but sometimes it is not possible. Nobody can be forced to love someone. When love ends it is better to separate, Catholic or not Catholic. My dicorce was the best thing that ever happen to me, and my kids and my x-wife. Nothing good will come out of a marriage where there is no love left. Sooner or later such marriage will lead to adultery, we are only humans even if we are Catholics. We are not a “higher race”, we are not better people, when the sun goes down we are just as bad or good as anyone else. Thinkin that we “must” preform a couple of miracles each week is not a healthy way to look at the world. How many of you would be willing to live in a “cold” marriage only because we are Catholics? Warning: Truth may hurt.
 
Is your wife generally a good woman? Is she a good mother? Is she an alcoholic, abusive, or an adulterer? If she’s generally a virtuous woman and you’re generally a virtuous man, there is hope. Many, many successful (and yes, happy) marriages have been created out of a seemingly unhappy situation. I can’t recommend all of Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s beliefs, but I do recommend her book, The Proper Care and Feeding Of Marriage. I also suggest a Marriage Encounter weekend, as another poster did before me. There’s going to be work involved to keep your family together – but the alternative is nothing short of disastrous for many. If you still want to be in your child’s life daily, if you don’t want to share your child with your hypothetically ex-wife’s boyfriends…do as much work as possible and don’t stop working. Marriage shouldn’t feel like a life sentence and yours doesn’t have to feel that way. I’ve no doubt that it seems impossible that you might genuinely fall in love with your wife again: but it CAN happen. Praying for you and your family.
 
Well said DaddyGirl!

I think problems happen when people who really feel/experience/express emotions fall in love with people who see love as something that can be felt at will. Can both people be really happy together and stay faithful in every way? I’m not sure about that. And from what I’ve seen friends experience, NO child is as oblivious to unhappy parents as people would like to believe.
 
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