This is really hard to write, because I feel like a bad person, but I have nowhere else to really turn and I want to be as honest as possible. My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. We’ve been married for about 4, and have a beautiful child together.
Although we’ve been married for 4 years, I’ve had doubts about our relationship even before we were married. I went through with the wedding, because I had a terminally ill parent and wanted them to be at my wedding I almost left my wife a few months into the marriage (I understand it was wrong, but I was very unhappy), and then I found-out she was pregnant.
Now it’s two years later and there is little to no affection between us (I don’t mean sex either, because that is not the issue, but when we do she is even rather un-affectionate in that as well). We don’t fight that much, but there is just this absence of warmth and/or feelings of love on both sides (I believe the blame lies somewhere in the middle). Please don’t get me wrong, I would never get a divorce, because I wouldn’t do that to God, or our child. But I am incredibly unhappy, and the longer time goes on, the more unattracted I become to her physically and as a person.
I’ve talked to several priests about this, but didn’t get any real advice except to pray and hang in there. I realize that our vows were until death, but it’s a depressing thought that her dying is the only way out of this unhappiness.
I’m sorry to babble on, and I’m not even sure if anyone will read this, but I just need to vent. Prayers and patience haven’t really helped. I almost resent seeing happy couples, because I haven’t felt that in so long. I’m just so frustrated, and at times recently that frustration has boiled over and been taken out on the wrong people or situations. I never expected it to be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard.
Thanks for reading. Has anyone been through this? Or have any advice?
Brother in Christ -
I am the spouse of a wife who has “fallen out of love”. My wife gave me the I love you, but not “in” love with you several years ago. I would encourage you to look at a few of my original posts to see a bit of my journey.
I was at first devastated to hear those words and typically true of our gender, dove headfirst into “fixing” my marriage. After a long battle of reading dozens of books, seeking professional help (as a couple and individually) and generally trying to coerce my wife back into the marriage, it hit rock bottom.
It was only then did I realize love is a choice. There was nothing I could do to “convince” my wife to love me again (we had a wonderful marriage before that…everyone was envious of us!), she would have to decide on her own. That was were my faith deepened tremendously! To this day I am so greatful to my wife for telling me those words as it has brought me much closer to the Lord! (BTW, I tell my wife that as well!)
Here we are a few years later, much happier than we were before. My wife still is struggling in the marriage; we have not been intimate in several years, she rarely kisses me, I have to initate a hug when she comes home, etc. But I will tell you, it is far better than all the anger, bitterness and comtempt we felt toward each other before.
Now let me also say, I am no saint…far from it! But through a daily rosary, regular confession and a ton of prayer I am able to understand the love Christ has for each one of us. And it is my vocation to love my wife as He loves us…unconditionally. Like I said, I fail regularly, mostly in my heart now, and that’s where regular confession has been so wonderful a sacrament for me. If Christ can forgive me for my sins, I certainly can forgive my wife for what I might percieve as an indiscretion toward me.
We have two children as well. They are observant little buggers too! And now I get to use our marriage as a teaching tool for them. Our kids understand that love and marriage is a continually sacrifice. They know that my priority is God, their mom and them. They know that without it being in that order, it will break down very quickly (as it did in the past). Basically what I am saying is you can control what your children see. They will see a bitter marriage only if you make it bitter.
Do I miss my wife and her affection? Tremendously. But I know in my heart, through a ton of prayer, she will come back to me. She grew up watching a horrible marriage with her parents. Her father was verbally and emotionally abusive toward her mother. I understand the baggage she carries and have empathy for that. That makes it easier to understand her behavior. It is my duty, promised to her in front of God on our wedding day to show her what a wonderful and beautiful marriage she has and love her as she deserves to be loved! It is my vocation to help her get to heaven!
It took her years to get to the point she did. I know it will take years for her to get back. I have learned much about patience and sacrifice and I have much more to learn. I have learned to find great joy in my sacrifice for my wife. That is love to me.
I love your moniker, HopefulShepard! Be that for your family! You are their shepard. Let Christ be yours and He will show you the path! Trust me, it is well illuminated! In our sin, we turn away from it and the path is dark and miserable. Prayer is a wonderful thing to help you stay on the path. And by the sounds of it, that is the wise counsel of the priests you’ve spoken too. Keep at it, open yourself to Christ coming fully into your heart.
A dear priest who helped me through my darkest time told me once, “many walk with Christ, but few encounter Him”. If you let Him into your heart, you will be amazed at the miracles He will grant you!
I am praying for you and your family. God bless!
