Falling out of Love

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you everyone for your amazing advice. He does not do drugs or drink excessively. I think a lot of it is the stress he is put through (not that its an excuse). He is constantly worried about money, his job, and trying to make everybody happy. I am going to work on myself and look into all of the advice given. My parents love him and his family is amazing.

Somebody did ask me about his family though, and that brought this to mind. One thing I do notice is that he sometimes treats me like he treats his brother. His brother and him call each other names and pick on each other all the time. But then they laugh it off. They can be so cruel to each other calling one an idiot or yelling at how the other did something stupid but then they both just laugh about it. Its almost exactly how he treats me sometimes. But I don’t take this as a joke. It really hurts me.

I have talked to him about all of this gently but it doesn’t change anything. He changes for at the longest 2 days. and then right back to the new normal. I pray this changes as I want our marriage to work. I do love him, I just don’t always like him… It did feel good getting this all out though. I think if I try to take more time for myself and just busy myself with something else after one of his moods maybe he will get the hint that I wont respond to it. Something to try…

Thank you everybody again.

These patterns are set in childhood, and if the person does not work hard to change them, they will NEVER change. He is treating you as he was raised which says a lot about his family. You described them as “amazing,” I think there is more going on behind closed doors than you are aware of, the behavior of your husband speaks more about how “amazing” they are than anything they show you in public. People don’t treat each other like this unless there is abuse, mental illness or drugs/alcohol. You say he’s not into drugs or alcohol so that leaves mental illness and abuse. It’s not your fault nor can you change it and you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Please seek counseling through Catholic Charities or another counselor. I pray that you will understand it’s not your cross to bear up under abuse. Abuse can be emotional and mental, not just physical, but many times, what starts with mental or emotional abuse does become physical as time goes by and the abuser learns he can violate you in more than one way.

 

[RoseMary131]

I think a lot of it is the stress he is put through (not that its an excuse). He is constantly worried about money, his job, and trying to make everybody happy.

Is he really constantly worried about trying to make everybody happy? Is he really trying to make YOU happy - the most important person in his life?

He would not yell at you or call you names or belittle you about how much money he spent on your gift and you didn’t spend as much on him… if he was trying to make you happy.

He knows that he makes you depressed… sad… cry. He knows this and still does it. He is not trying to make you happy.

As you stated, his stress is no excuse for his poor behavior. Nor should you justify his behavior.

Think of poor people in poor countries with lots of hard labor, who walk just to bring drinking water back home… would you expect them to treat their wife as your husband does? They have less money. They may not have a labor job that is secure year round. Their work may be more physically and mentally demanding of them. When they “try to make everyone happy”, they don’t emotionally destroy the most precious person in their lives.

I’m sorry to write something so negative, but I’m afraid you might be justifying his treatment and you do not need to accept it.

Peace to you dear Lilly.