Family dilemma, your help is appreciated

[iluvmybabies]

I have another dilemma, I am not sure how to even begin this but it’s just brought me down so low I don’t know what to do or how to think about this…
Being engaged has given me hopes to a new and wonderful life aside a great man. But this past weekend we went to his brother’s wedding, where his entire family was there. They live far from here so they all travelled thousands’ of miles to get here to see the great event. When he introduced me his aunts and uncles were very sweet and friendly and welcoming. When it came to his grandparents that was a completely different story, and I almost fainted from the disappointment. A while ago his mother and I used to get along like apples and caramel. We were inseparable…This was when I first started dating this man 2 years ago…Then it seemed when she saw that 6 months had gone by, then a year, things changed…She started harassing me, mistreating me, tells me off any chance she gets and always carries a fake smile…for me. Her husband loves me, and I see him as a father. He always wants to see us and adores my children as his own grandchildren which reminds me of my father! My father would do anything for my babies and my fiancé’s father would too…That makes up for his wife, fiancé’s mother. I can deal with her and I don’t care, I am happy and his father adores my children. But when the wedding came I was non existent, I stayed near his sister, brother-in-law, and father, no one else because no one else seemed to even want to bother getting to know my children nor myself a little better…Disappointing…And when he finally introduced me as his love of his life, and the woman he was marrying everyone walked away even faster…It’s disappointing because I came from a close family where we welcome everyone you know? At least give everyone a chance, well most of us do at least…
And now I feel really weird about things…I love him but…you know?
Then last night I spoke with my mother, I have a space page but I am not allowed to show off my relationship…I am a 30 year old woman, divorced with 3 kids!!! My parents are old fashioned but my father has opened up a little, but my mother!!! And the worst part about it is that it’s only with me that she keeps to her “strictness” and “old-fashioness”! My sister got pregnant when she was a kid and forced to wed, but I can’t be my own woman and have my own life and actually show it off, it’s wrong!! We got into this huge argument, mostly because she can’t stand my fiancé’s mother and certain family members, since his mother stated clearly I wasn’t part of their family…and it’s understandable…But I can’t even post pictures of when we went out to the zoo with the kids, or dancing in the wedding or anything like that…She told me last night “I am trying to protect your image!!” I was like HUH? From what? WHOM? And I was like “hello? If my brother leaves his wife and goes with another woman that is ok but if I decide to start my life over it’s wrong?”! Then she responded “Men are different and are allowed to go from one woman to another, women are not allowed to do that, it’s disgusting, degrading, and most importantly immoral!!!” I was like OK?!! Thanks for the advice 1900 woman!!! She then goes on to tell me until I am married then I can parade my relationship…I was like….Man this is ridiculous…And I told her you know every story has a beginning and I would like to show it off…and then she told me after you are married you can do it…
Now I am doubting everything I wanted…I don’t want things to be like this and I am stressing over it badly…My mother and I never have had a good relationship, it was always her way or the highway so I always took the highway…but just when I think we are having a good thing going she does things like this to push me away…And I don’t know what to think. I am stuck wondering is this what I really want? TO always hide myself because I want to start my life over? To never belong to a family and my children never really having grandparents or great grandparents whether step or blood because neither family gets along?
(continued on next one)

 

[iluvmybabies]

? I love my fiancé and I was looking forward to a lot of things but this whole family thing has me destroyed…I live far from my family, and they make me feel nostalgic with everything they say and do but once I show a bit of independence like with showing off my relationship or wanting to buy a house with my fiancé, it all blows to haides, and no one likes it?!! I love my man, and my children love him…He’s the first man to actually never scream at me for going to church, or praying, actually he joins me, and always wants to be with us when it’s family time…but to never be able to be around my family nor his because of their issues? I mean my mother’s issue is the fact that I was married once, not through the church though because my ex, a Catholic, didn’t really accept God in his life as our Father in heaven, he always felt God was just there and had no control over anything and that was it…He hated me when I would go to church and when I kept proposing to get our marriage blessed well, that civil marriage lasted 10 years…and 3 children…He wouldn’t even do it for them…But now I have this chance to start over and because my fiance is a bit younger than me, my mother brings up he’s going to leave me for a younger woman, because he’s going to “wake up” and see that he can do better; and I will be in mortal sin when he leaves me, etc…and his family is this and this and that and that…it’s really hard for me to take it all in…I am finally happy and no one seems to care about my feelings…everyone seems to see it as a joke, as I was so desperate I got with a younger man?!! But it was ok when my sister’s then 21 year old boyfriend, now her husband got her pregnant way before she was 17? And it was ok that my brother got his fiance pregnant years before they were married? I am feeling really horrible right now…I tried praying and because I have to work and my children I guess I didn’t really get to concentrate enough to find that peace I need and the guidance I am looking for but I really need help.
Our priest looks at us as if we are crazy, and when we let him know of our marriage plans, he didn’t agree to them…he kept telling us things like, “you know maybe you should wait several years from now to plan on a wedding.” Or “you know, sometimes it’s best to wait until you are really sure!!” And he would look at my fiance…It’s really depressing when something that feels so right is taken wrong and made seem as if it’s wrong…
I just don’t know what to feel or think right now and your advice would help me out a lot!!! I would appreciate it… Sorry for all the drama, but your help and advice is greatly appreciated!!!

 

[yellowbird]

Wow. That was alot to digest.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so troubled with all of this. Here are my thoughts - for what they are worth.

1. Since you were once much closer your boyfriend’s mom, could you ask her if you did anything to upset her? Tell her that you miss the relationship you once had and you’d like to get that back. If she isn’t interested, just let it go. You have to get along, but you don’t have to be best friends with this woman.
2. Forget about the way you feel you were treated at the wedding. Although I can appreicate how painful it would be if you felt like you weren’t included, let it go. You weren’t the one getting married and that day wasn’t about you or your children.
3. Listen to your mother. She knows you better than probably anyone and if she is telling you to keep your relationship w/ your boyfriend on the down low until you are married, she probaby has her reasons. You aren’t just a single person dating - you are a mother with children and your actions affect them. People can be nasty and talk about what is none of their buisness so maybe your mom wants to spare you, and your children from that. You mentioned that your mom’s opinons were from the 1900’s. This may sound funny, but I actually think that women conducted themselves with alot more decorum back then.
4. Red flag for me: The Priest telling you to wait to get married. How much younger is your boyfriend?
5. DO NOT buy a house with him until you are husband and wife. Since you should not be living together until then, it is very foolish to buy property together.
6. Our extended families can be very disappointing - his family / your family. Here’s the thing… they aren’t who is most important to you right now. God has given you three beautiful children to care for and THEY are your family now. Be the very best mom you can be to them - keep going to church and pray about your future with your boyfriend. God will lead you in the direction you should go.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Wow. That was alot to digest.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so troubled with all of this. Here are my thoughts - for what they are worth.

1. Since you were once much closer your boyfriend’s mom, could you ask her if you did anything to upset her? Tell her that you miss the relationship you once had and you’d like to get that back. If she isn’t interested, just let it go. You have to get along, but you don’t have to be best friends with this woman. —Iluvmybabies— I have and she says it’s nothing…that she loves me even though she doesn’t agree with the way I am raising my children…and she turns around after she tells me she loves me and talks **** about me…
2. Forget about the way you feel you were treated at the wedding. Although I can appreicate how painful it would be if you felt like you weren’t included, let it go. You weren’t the one getting married and that day wasn’t about you or your children. —iluvmybabies---- it isn’t that it wasn’t about me, it’s that it was the first time I met his family and the first time they met his brother’s wife, she was welcomed with open arms…
3. Listen to your mother. She knows you better than probably anyone and if she is telling you to keep your relationship w/ your boyfriend on the down low until you are married, she probaby has her reasons. You aren’t just a single person dating - you are a mother with children and your actions affect them. People can be nasty and talk about what is none of their buisness so maybe your mom wants to spare you, and your children from that. You mentioned that your mom’s opinons were from the 1900’s. This may sound funny, but I actually think that women conducted themselves with alot more decorum back then.—but then again, why should I care about what other people think about me? When I left my exhusband everyone said I was this and that without even caring that I stayed with an abusive man for 10 years…just because I didn’t want to stain my parents… and perhaps you are right but back then women also stayed with men till they almost killed them…
4. Red flag for me: The Priest telling you to wait to get married. How much younger is your boyfriend? A couple of years…When I was thin everyone thought he was like 3 years older than me, now that I have gained a lot of weight you can tell I am older than him, some people have made me feel like **** when they tell me I look as if I am 15 years older than him when I am not even 30??? I am working out because I am tired of that…when it’s just a couple of years difference!!!
5. DO NOT buy a house with him until you are husband and wife. Since you should not be living together until then, it is very foolish to buy property together.—iluvmybabies----well the thing is that the house buying isn’t until we get married, and that’s still a problem!!!
6. Our extended families can be very disappointing - his family / your family. Here’s the thing… they aren’t who is most important to you right now. God has given you three beautiful children to care for and THEY are your family now. Be the very best mom you can be to them - keep going to church and pray about your future with your boyfriend. God will lead you in the direction you should go.

—iluvmybabies----yes I know they are my family, my children are my life and I haven’t stopped providing for them, but I have a love that wants to be part of it too…how do I forget about that?

 

[yellowbird]

—iluvmybabies----yes I know they are my family, my children are my life and I haven’t stopped providing for them, but I have a love that wants to be part of it too…how do I forget about that?

I don’t think you have to forget about it… and I wasn’t trying to suggest that you aren’t a good mom to your children - I’m sorry if it sounded that way.

It just sounds like there are very few people in favor of your relationship with your boyfriend - including your Priest. It makes it seem like they must have some valid concerns so it would be in your best interest to consider what everyone is saying. Since you were married once before, you know how difficult marriage is, and you wouldn’t want to make the same mistake twice. I know you LOVE your boyfriend - but love isn’t enough - I’m sure you loved your first husband?

Why do you think the Priest is against you getting married? Could you make an appointment to meet with him alone to ask him what his reservations are? I would seriously consider what he has to say - I am sure he has your best interests at heart.

 

[yellowbird]

Sorry - I missed this part of your post:

• I have and she says it’s nothing…that she loves me even though she doesn’t agree with the way I am raising my children…and she turns around after she tells me she loves me and talks **** about me…*

If she says she loves you, accept that. Don’t listen to what other people say she says about you. Why would they tell you that? Maybe it is just to stir things up. Go by how she treats you and not what other people say. If someone starts to tell you something nasty your boyfriend’s mother apparently said, CUT THEM OFF. Look how badly it makes you feel.

Also, you said the brother’s girlfriend was welcomed with open arms and you weren’t? Well, I dont’ know what to say about that. It sounds like you often compare how you perceive other people are treated (your sister, brother, this brother’s girlfriend) vs. how you are treated. It’s never a good idea to always be looking at someone else - look at yourself and your own relationships with others…and don’t compare. It is what it is and it’s not necessarily fair and always pointing out the difference, even just to yourself, isn’t going to change a thing.

Besides, with regards to the girlfriend - if she isn’t divorced and doesn’t have 3 children, that is going to make a difference in people’s eyes. Guaranteed, family members would prefer that girlfriends are not divorced with 3 children. So you have that stacked against you going in. But if you are a great mom, and you look after your children, your boyfriend’s family will be able to look beyond that and admire you for it. It’s something that you’re just going to have to overcome by the way you conduct yourself.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with some of what yellowbird says. I also commented in the other thread, where you typed a little about this.

Hmmm…so much to think about here. First…whatever you do…do not buy property with someone you are not married to. Legally and sacramentally. Do things right. (I sound like your mom) Maybe this is your mom:ehh: , and she has asked me to type this for you. I’m kidding! ha (I have already drank one red bull and going on now a cup of coffee…forgive me for being silly)

I say that about the property, because you never ever know what can change, and you are not married, and buying houses, and cars, and so forth…are things married couples do together. If you are both intent on living the Catholic life, then start there.

Second…I would take yellowbird’s advice, and simply ask his mom if you have offended her in some way? Try to see what’s changed? You might break the ice…never know. There might be something there that you had no idea about.

Third…you’re 30 with three kids. If you wish to have a myspace page, this is none of your mom’s business. Is she paying your internet bill? Is she paying your rent? Then, she has no say in what you do. You’re not doing drugs, or something–having a myspace page is legal, and nothing immoral about it, so long as you don’t post immodest pics, etc…and I don’t get the sense that you will! Are you Italian? This would explain a lot about your mom. (I’m Italian, and I come from the double standard…men can do whatever, but girls can’t kind of mentality) Pulease. But, she’s your mom…you love her, but you don’t need to listen to her about your myspace page. That’s ridiculous.

Fourth…what does your fiance say about all of this?

Fifth…you’re 30, how old is your fiance?

Sixth…Do not let your families ruin this for you.

Seventh…I am curious about the priest’s comments. Is this a priest who normally gives you good advice, that you trust? What do you feel about his advice? Why do you presume he would tell you to wait a few years?

I will keep you in my prayers…sorry for all the questions, but it helps to know some details, when giving advice. (hugs)

 

[iluvmybabies]

I don’t think you have to forget about it… and I wasn’t trying to suggest that you aren’t a good mom to your children - I’m sorry if it sounded that way.

It just sounds like there are very few people in favor of your relationship with your boyfriend - including your Priest. It makes it seem like they must have some valid concerns so it would be in your best interest to consider what everyone is saying. Since you were married once before, you know how difficult marriage is, and you wouldn’t want to make the same mistake twice. I know you LOVE your boyfriend - but love isn’t enough - I’m sure you loved your first husband?

Why do you think the Priest is against you getting married? Could you make an appointment to meet with him alone to ask him what his reservations are? I would seriously consider what he has to say - I am sure he has your best interests at heart.

Wondering if you read the other remarks I left right under your quotes in the last post…over the questions and points you were stating…???
Well first of all my mother thinks I am ruining this man’s life…She having sons and not accepting a woman with children in their lives puts herself in that position…what if that was my son, I wouldn’t accept it…so that’s why she is like that…secondly, she wants me to find a man who’s at least 10 years older than me, she says so I am taken care of…my mom is into money, that’s the only thing that makes her happy so when her 16 year old daughter got pregnant by a 21 year old man and forced them into marriage and that man my brother-in-law has worked his butt off suporting his wife and children, she expected me to do the same thing…then his mother expected him to be like his brother, whom was 21 years old and got with a 16 year old “virgin” they dated and lived together for 6 years before getting married…and they hope that before he’s 35 they have children together…and she wanted the same thing for my fiance…
I was first married by love when I was 18 to someone who was fake the entire time…Someone who lied constantly, didn’t care about God, it’s a huge difference between my exhusband and my boyfriend…there is no comparison…not at all…the only negative thing about my boyfriend is his laziness!!! I have been dating this man for almost 3 years…I married my first husband right after 1 year of dating…I have never been more sure of the love I have for him…and for the love he has for me…as I stated he’s a devout Catholic, as I am, and he loves my children…
I asked the priest before…he wouldn’t give me a reason…he would say things like “well, I just think that you know time is most important and you need to think about your future, and he needs to think about his future.” But my fiance looks at me and tells me, “being a Catholic I know what it means to be married through the church and God’s blessing, I know what it is to love one person and I know what it is to have a family, I love you and you are the one I wish to spend the rest of my life with, it doesn’t matter what my family thinks, what yours wants and what anyone says!”
I just don’t know any more you know?

 

[whatevergirl]

Sorry - I missed this part of your post:

• I have and she says it’s nothing…that she loves me even though she doesn’t agree with the way I am raising my children…and she turns around after she tells me she loves me and talks **** about me…*

If she says she loves you, accept that. Don’t listen to what other people say she says about you. Why would they tell you that? Maybe it is just to stir things up. Go by how she treats you and not what other people say. If someone starts to tell you something nasty your boyfriend’s mother apparently said, CUT THEM OFF. Look how badly it makes you feel.

Also, you said the brother’s girlfriend was welcomed with open arms and you weren’t? Well, I dont’ know what to say about that. It sounds like you often compare how you perceive other people are treated (your sister, brother, this brother’s girlfriend) vs. how you are treated. It’s never a good idea to always be looking at someone else - look at yourself and your own relationships with others…and don’t compare. It is what it is and it’s not necessarily fair and always pointing out the difference, even just to yourself, isn’t going to change a thing.

Besides, with regards to the girlfriend - if she isn’t divorced and doesn’t have 3 children, that is going to make a difference in people’s eyes. Guaranteed, family members would prefer that girlfriends are not divorced with 3 children. So you have that stacked against you going in. But if you are a great mom, and you look after your children, your boyfriend’s family will be able to look beyond that and admire you for it. It’s something that you’re just going to have to overcome.

I agree with this to an extent. Coming into a family, with kids from a previous marriage, can seem overwhelming to that family. So, that might be a cross to bear for now, until they become used to the idea of you marrying into the family, luvmybabies.

Also…I agree with yellowbird, that it seems odd that the priest has such reservations, and that others do as well. I think it can be easy to dismiss family’s reactions …but I am curious as to why the priest seems against the marriage, also. It’s worth exploring luvmybabies…

 

[whatevergirl]

Wondering if you read the other remarks I left right under your quotes in the last post…over the questions and points you were stating…???
Well first of all my mother thinks I am ruining this man’s life…She having sons and not accepting a woman with children in their lives puts herself in that position…what if that was my son, I wouldn’t accept it…so that’s why she is like that…secondly, she wants me to find a man who’s at least 10 years older than me, she says so I am taken care of…my mom is into money, that’s the only thing that makes her happy so when her 16 year old daughter got pregnant by a 21 year old man and forced them into marriage and that man my brother-in-law has worked his butt off suporting his wife and children, she expected me to do the same thing…then his mother expected him to be like his brother, whom was 21 years old and got with a 16 year old “virgin” they dated and lived together for 6 years before getting married…and they hope that before he’s 35 they have children together…and she wanted the same thing for my fiance…
I was first married by love when I was 18 to someone who was fake the entire time…Someone who lied constantly, didn’t care about God, it’s a huge difference between my exhusband and my boyfriend…there is no comparison…not at all…the only negative thing about my boyfriend is his laziness!!! I have been dating this man for almost 3 years…I married my first husband right after 1 year of dating…I have never been more sure of the love I have for him…and for the love he has for me…as I stated he’s a devout Catholic, as I am, and he loves my children…
I asked the priest before…he wouldn’t give me a reason…he would say things like “well, I just think that you know time is most important and you need to think about your future, and he needs to think about his future.” But my fiance looks at me and tells me, “being a Catholic I know what it means to be married through the church and God’s blessing, I know what it is to love one person and I know what it is to have a family, I love you and you are the one I wish to spend the rest of my life with, it doesn’t matter what my family thinks, what yours wants and what anyone says!”
I just don’t know any more you know?

what do you mean your bf is lazy? are you engaged? i’m confused.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Sorry - I missed this part of your post:

• I have and she says it’s nothing…that she loves me even though she doesn’t agree with the way I am raising my children…and she turns around after she tells me she loves me and talks **** about me…*

If she says she loves you, accept that. Don’t listen to what other people say she says about you. Why would they tell you that? Maybe it is just to stir things up. Go by how she treats you and not what other people say. If someone starts to tell you something nasty your boyfriend’s mother apparently said, CUT THEM OFF. Look how badly it makes you feel.

Also, you said the brother’s girlfriend was welcomed with open arms and you weren’t? Well, I dont’ know what to say about that. It sounds like you often compare how you perceive other people are treated (your sister, brother, this brother’s girlfriend) vs. how you are treated. It’s never a good idea to always be looking at someone else - look at yourself and your own relationships with others…and don’t compare. It is what it is and it’s not necessarily fair and always pointing out the difference, even just to yourself, isn’t going to change a thing.

Besides, with regards to the girlfriend - if she isn’t divorced and doesn’t have 3 children, that is going to make a difference in people’s eyes. Guaranteed, family members would prefer that girlfriends are not divorced with 3 children. So you have that stacked against you going in. But if you are a great mom, and you look after your children, your boyfriend’s family will be able to look beyond that and admire you for it. It’s something that you’re just going to have to overcome.

No I hear her talking bad about me…Seriously!!! She doesn’t hold back because I am there…She reminds me of Judas when he kissed Jesus and turned him in…
I know I am not Jesus but what I mean is the way Judas treated Him and the way she treats me…My mother is on occassions like that too…
Never have anything good to say about me never…
Exactly that’s what I am saying…they don’t want that for him…his mother nor my mother…they don’t want him to have to deal with 3 kids that don’t belong to him…that’s what I am saying and that’s why I am not welcomed…that’s the whole problem…that I am being judged without anyone even knowing me…and yes I do compare because I have been dating this man for almost 3 years…his father adores me and my children and my father adores him…it’s just our mother’s and other family members that don’t accept…just like my younger brother and my sister, and just like his grandparents…even my grandmother who’s completely old fashioned wasn’t happy with my divorce supports my decision, and the love I have found…

 

[whatevergirl]

No I hear her talking bad about me…Seriously!!! She doesn’t hold back because I am there…She reminds me of Judas when he kissed Jesus and turned him in…
I know I am not Jesus but what I mean is the way Judas treated Him and the way she treats me…My mother is on occassions like that too…
Never have anything good to say about me never…
Exactly that’s what I am saying…they don’t want that for him…his mother nor my mother…they don’t want him to have to deal with 3 kids that don’t belong to him…that’s what I am saying and that’s why I am not welcomed…that’s the whole problem…that I am being judged without anyone even knowing me…and yes I do compare because I have been dating this man for almost 3 years…his father adores me and my children and my father adores him…it’s just our mother’s and other family members that don’t accept…just like my younger brother and my sister, and just like his grandparents…even my grandmother who’s completely old fashioned wasn’t happy with my divorce supports my decision, and the love I have found…

Ok…let’s back up a bit…please help me to understand a few things. Ok…when did you get a divorce? And when did you begin dating this man? You are 30, have been dating him for 3 years. So you met when you were 27. You married your ex at 18…how long did that marriage last? I ask these questions, because I think the answer therein lies as to why they are not happy about this relationship. (has your bf proposed? if not, could he be hesitant, and worried about his family’s opinions, also)

many questions–sorry–but just would like to be able to look at the whole puzzle…there’s a few pieces missing that don’t make sense to me. thanks.

 

[iluvmybabies]

what do you mean your bf is lazy? are you engaged? i’m confused.

yes we are engaged, but he’s still my boyfriend…lol…
He is lazy…really lazy!!! lol…when I go to see him OMG I have to help him clean up…when he comes to see me I have to ask him to help me clean up!!! lol…bachelor’s!!! LOL

 

[yellowbird]

How lazy is lazy? Does your fiance have a job?

OK, about your mom’s feelings: What she wants for your fiance doesn’t matter. He is a grown adult - he can make his own decisions. Why do you think she’d care more about his future than her own daughter’s? That’s sort of odd. Can you ask her about that? Say what’s up with this… do you love him more than you love me? I suppose maybe it’s like you said, she’s afraid he’s going to leave you high and dry so in a round about way - her criticism is motivated by her love for you.

Still, it’s your life - and his. Your Mom doesn’t get a vote - although I am going to go back to my original suggestion that if EVERYONE is telling you the same thing - wait, or don’t get married - I think you should try to figure out their underlying reasons. I would start with the Priest. And not just in the hallway after mass - make an appt. Ask him to not mince words - give it to you straight up… why does he want you to wait when you’ve already been dating 3 years?

 

[whatevergirl]

How lazy is lazy? Does your fiance have a job?

OK, about your mom’s feelings: What she wants for your fiance doesn’t matter. He is a grown adult - he can make his own decisions. Why do you think she’d care more about his future than her own daughter’s? That’s sort of odd. Can you ask her about that? Say what’s up with this… do you love him more than you love me? I suppose maybe it’s like you said, she’s afraid he’s going to leave you high and dry so in a round about way - her criticism is motivated by her love for you.

Still, it’s your life - and his. Your Mom doesn’t get a vote - although I am going to go back to my original suggestion that if EVERYONE is telling you the same thing - wait, or don’t get married - I think you should try to figure out their underlying reasons.

i agree wholeheartedly. i think dating for 3 years is a long time…but, I think they might see him as leaving, because he’s younger, and will wake up to the fact that he took on 3 kids who are not his own (I’m saying this is what the mothers are thinking) and then luvmybabies will be going through yet another divorce. There could be positive motives behind the seemingly negative behavior…this is very true.

 

[whatevergirl]

yes we are engaged, but he’s still my boyfriend…lol…
He is lazy…really lazy!!! lol…when I go to see him OMG I have to help him clean up…when he comes to see me I have to ask him to help me clean up!!! lol…bachelor’s!!! LOL

oh, ok…when is the wedding planned?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Ok…let’s back up a bit…please help me to understand a few things. Ok…when did you get a divorce? And when did you begin dating this man? You are 30, have been dating him for 3 years. So you met when you were 27. You married your ex at 18…how long did that marriage last? I ask these questions, because I think the answer therein lies as to why they are not happy about this relationship. (has your bf proposed? if not, could he be hesitant, and worried about his family’s opinions, also)

many questions–sorry–but just would like to be able to look at the whole puzzle…there’s a few pieces missing that don’t make sense to me. thanks.

Next year we will be dating for 3 years…he has proposed 2 times, once infront of his parents the second over the phone for mine…they live far away…
His father loves me and gave us his blessing, his mother ignored and walked away…
His father loves my kids and calls them grandkids…his mother doesn’t like it, but she tells them to call her grandma…
We have been dating for 2 years…going on 3…
His mother wanted him to do what his brother did which is to find a young “virgin” and get married and live happily ever after…and my mother agrees with that…

 

[iluvmybabies]

How lazy is lazy? Does your fiance have a job?

OK, about your mom’s feelings: What she wants for your fiance doesn’t matter. He is a grown adult - he can make his own decisions. Why do you think she’d care more about his future than her own daughter’s? That’s sort of odd. Can you ask her about that? Say what’s up with this… do you love him more than you love me? I suppose maybe it’s like you said, she’s afraid he’s going to leave you high and dry so in a round about way - her criticism is motivated by her love for you.

Still, it’s your life - and his. Your Mom doesn’t get a vote - although I am going to go back to my original suggestion that if EVERYONE is telling you the same thing - wait, or don’t get married - I think you should try to figure out their underlying reasons. I would start with the Priest. And not just in the hallway after mass - make an appt. Ask him to not mince words - give it to you straight up… why does he want you to wait when you’ve already been dating 3 years?

My mother is pecial like that…she always has put everyone before me no biggie I am used to it…but even though, like I said since she does have 2 sons she told me she would never accept her sons to bring home a woman with kids…
And like I said before, I have 3 siblings, 2 disagree, and think it’s ridiculous that I want to start my life over with a younger man, just because he doesn’t make 100,000 grand a year…My family loves money…And they thought after I got divorced I would do just that…
My father and my grandmother gave me their blessing, they both married for love and believe that’s all that matters…
My boyfriend’s father gave us their blessing as well and loves my children as his own grandchildren…my boyfriend’s brother and sister consider them to be their niece and nephews…His mother and grandmother, and uncles don’t…

 

[iluvmybabies]

oh, ok…when is the wedding planned?

Sept 26th, 2009…I thought it would give us more time to help with my parent’s travel plans…of course if I am able to we will change it for May so that my father can use his vacation days…but it’s planned for sept next year…

 

[yellowbird]

Well, you can’t make everyone happy. I say don’t be overly concerned with what people think of you - espcecially the Moms. No offense, but they both sound a little nutsy. Maybe they will warm up to the idea once you are married for awhile. When your husband DOESN’T leave you for a young virgin, your Mom will have to pipe down?!

Again, just be the best Mom you can be to your children (because that is what people will judge you on - and you said your boy friend’s mother said she disagreed with how you were raising your children…)

And meanwhile, I’d still talk to the Priest to find out why he thought you should wait. Are you clear to be married? I thought if your first husband was Catholic - even if he was a bad one (lol) and you weren’t married in the church - that marriage still counts… so do you need to get an annulment? Could that be why the Priest thinks you should wait?

That would be a VERY valid reason.