Family dilemma, your help is appreciated

[iluvmybabies]

Well, you can’t make everyone happy. I say don’t be overly concerned with what people think of you. Again, just be the best Mom you can be to your children (because that is what people will judge you on - and you said your boy friend’s mother said she disagreed with how you were raising your children…)

And meanwhile, I’d still talk to the Priest to find out why he thought you should wait. Are you clear to be married? I thought if your first husband was Catholic - even if he was a bad one (lol) and you weren’t married in the church - that marriage still counts… so do you need to get an annulment? Could that be why the Priest thinks you should wait?

That would be a VERY valid reason.

Yes, because I don’t make them go to sleep at 7 pm, because I let them play around, and play with toys, because they do make a mess around the house, and because they don’t always eat everything I give them to eat and I don’t make them eat it…She told me that because she likes sleeping 8 hours a day when her boys were babies she started feeding them baby rice since they were 2 weeks old to make them sleep at least 6 hours a night…I was like HUH? She was like you can keep your way of raising your kids but I like my sleep and my adult time… In which I don’t have any except till my children are asleep which is around 9 pm…and then I get to talk to my boyfriend on the phone or watch tv with him before he leaves etc…you know? It’s like so what if I didn’t get to sleep all night long, so what if my kids don’t eat a lb of green beans a day?! You know? She doesn’t like messes, and doesn’t agree with children being children…she raised her boys with an iron fist, no noise, no fun time, the only time they ever got to play was when their mother was asleep and their father would sneak them out to play…
I have spoken with the Priest and his main worry is my boyfriend…he and as well as everyone else, makes me feel as if they believe my boyfriend can do better…

 

[Island_Oak]

You keep dodging the question of how old your fiance is.

 

[yellowbird]

.he and as well as everyone else, makes me feel as if they believe my boyfriend can do better…

Well, I’m very sorry to hear that. Your boyfriend must love YOU because he’s been with you all this time, and he’s asked you to marry him. So even if they feel that he can “do better” than you - YOU are the one he wants.

You need to feel good about yourself. YOU are worthy of love and deserve the very best. Don’t ever think otherwise, regardless of what other people may or may not believe.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I agree with some of what yellowbird says. I also commented in the other thread, where you typed a little about this.

Hmmm…so much to think about here. First…whatever you do…do not buy property with someone you are not married to. Legally and sacramentally. Do things right. (I sound like your mom) Maybe this is your mom:ehh: , and she has asked me to type this for you. I’m kidding! ha (I have already drank one red bull and going on now a cup of coffee…forgive me for being silly) It’s ok I understand

I say that about the property, because you never ever know what can change, and you are not married, and buying houses, and cars, and so forth…are things married couples do together. If you are both intent on living the Catholic life, then start there.
Yes and as I stated before the house thing isn’t right now it’s for when we do get married it’s still a big issue…

Second…I would take yellowbird’s advice, and simply ask his mom if you have offended her in some way? Try to see what’s changed? You might break the ice…never know. There might be something there that you had no idea about.
As I stated earlier I have and she states her issue isn’t me it’s the way I am with my kids that she doesn’t agree with and that’s why she acts the way she does and expresses herself towards me in that way…

Third…you’re 30 with three kids. If you wish to have a myspace page, this is none of your mom’s business. Is she paying your internet bill? Is she paying your rent? Then, she has no say in what you do. You’re not doing drugs, or something–having a myspace page is legal, and nothing immoral about it, so long as you don’t post immodest pics, etc…and I don’t get the sense that you will! Are you Italian? This would explain a lot about your mom. (I’m Italian, and I come from the double standard…men can do whatever, but girls can’t kind of mentality) Pulease. But, she’s your mom…you love her, but you don’t need to listen to her about your myspace page. That’s ridiculous.
My mother has always been there though even though thanks to her wonderful influence, when I used to weigh 120 lbs I thought I was fat, get it? I was never good enough and still to this day I am not…and doubt I ever will…I have had my own place most of my life, my sister has never left the nest, my mother raised her children for the first 7 years, yet I am the good for nothing… Oh well…the point is, she doesn’t want me to put any pics of my bf and myself…just of my children and myself…that’s it…she says I look dirty with a man by my side and people will talk… We are mutts, creoles…some italian blood…can’t help it…

Fourth…what does your fiance say about all of this? Well he got tired of his mother’s deals and stuck up for me this weekend it got so bad his father screamed at his mother and told her that she was destroying his family!!! Then she apologised to me and told me she loved me even though…2 days later, she was sweet to a point and then couldn’t stand me again!!!

Fifth…you’re 30, how old is your fiance? I am not 30, I am 29, and he’s 25…going on 26 this year…Why should age matter anyhow? How many men do you know will take on a single mom of 3 and actually want to be part of the family? Help be a role model and a father figure and a great love all at the same time? My mother is 2 years older than my father and going on 30+ years…my father’s best friend is 15 years younger than his wife and they have been married for 15 years…my uncle is 10 years younger than his wife and they have been married for 25 years…

Sixth…Do not let your families ruin this for you. Yeah easier said than done…

Seventh…I am curious about the priest’s comments. Is this a priest who normally gives you good advice, that you trust? What do you feel about his advice? Why do you presume he would tell you to wait a few years?
Yes, he’s been really supportive up until it came to setting the wedding date… I don’t know…maybe because he’s scared that my bf will “wake up” and be like “oh I am going to find me a young wife without wrinkles and no kids!!!” That’s how my mother feels like too…

I will keep you in my prayers…sorry for all the questions, but it helps to know some details, when giving advice. (hugs)

I hear you don’t worry about it…I have answers…
Thanks for your help and advice…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Well, I’m very sorry to hear that. Your boyfriend must love YOU because he’s been with you all this time, and he’s asked you to marry him. So even if they feel that he can “do better” than you - YOU are the one he wants.

You need to feel good about yourself. YOU are worthy of love and deserve the very best. Don’t ever think otherwise, regardless of what other people may or may not believe.

Thanks but still…it interferes with my hopes and dreams you know after a while you start to believe what if he can do better than me? I have even started to think they are right, he does deserve to be with a younger woman without kids…have him start from zero you know? And forget about me just raise my children some other time in my life I will be granted the chance at my own life and love!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Ok…thanks for answering all of those questions, luvmybabies!

First, your mom need counseling of her own–seriously. The fact that you can never measure up to ‘her standards’ in her eyes, is really her problem, and not yours. It is so sad that parents do this to their adult children…I hope that you know you’re a great person…a child of God who deserves love and respect. I don’t think you will ever get respect from your mom–and this is a tough cross to bear, but I think you understand that, and you can only go from there.

Second, you’re 29 and he is soon to be 26? This is not a huge age difference, and if it were the other way around, no one would be batting an eye lash. I wonder if your mom is projecting her own insecurities onto you? Like, she is older than your dad, and maybe all these years, she was worried he’d leave her? I dunno, but it seems like her fears are being displaced onto your relationship.

Third, enjoy this relationship with your fiance. Believe him when he tells you ‘you’re the one.’ It is easy to get wrapped up in self defeating thoughts…that’s the devil’s work, not God’s, by the way. If you both feel that God brought you two together, then follow it through. It sounds like his mom would have preferred her son marrying a woman without kids…and I don’t knock her feelings on that. I think that in an ideal, perfect world…it probably would be something I’d like to see my kids choose. But, we don’t live in a perfect ideal world, and if my kids meet someone someday, who have kids from a prior marriage (as long as the marriage is annuled and not multiple marriages) I will be happy for them. Your mom sounds like she has her own issues, and she punishes you to a degree for her own self defeatist attitudes. It happens. I would try to love her where she is, though. She’s your mom–honor her, love her, but don’t allow her to hurt you. Don’t allow her to ruin this for you. You and only you have the ‘power’ to allow her to ruin this for you. Remember that.

I will keep you all in my prayers. Good luck to you and your fiance!! ((hugs))

 

[iluvmybabies]

Ok…thanks for answering all of those questions, luvmybabies!

First, your mom need counseling of her own–seriously. The fact that you can never measure up to ‘her standards’ in her eyes, is really her problem, and not yours. It is so sad that parents do this to their adult children…I hope that you know you’re a great person…a child of God who deserves love and respect. I don’t think you will ever get respect from your mom–and this is a tough cross to bear, but I think you understand that, and you can only go from there. I have always felt that way too…As if she really needs help…I don’t disrespect her, but last night when I asked her what’s the big deal of me showing off my fiance, she was like “what who are you to judge me and to talk to me like that!!” ANd I was like HUH? All I asked was what’s the big deal?! She went all ballistic on me…It’s ridiculous…I live in a different state from her and even though I miss her now I thank GOD I live so far away!! I know I will never be the perfect daughter, she all ready had her perfect daughter and it doesn’t bother me really what does is the fact that she just can’t be supportive of my wishes and decisions…that’s the main reason I keep her out of my life and she can’t understand why…she always tells me things like “I don’t understand why my children are so ungrateful and keep me out of their lives and choices!!!” I wonder why…well she always calls me when my sister tells her off to hear me tell her how dare she who does she think she is…because my sister and mother clash they are exactly the same…that’s the perfect daughter…but when I try to stand up for myself, I shame her and am not her daughter!!!

Second, you’re 29 and he is soon to be 26? This is not a huge age difference, and if it were the other way around, no one would be batting an eye lash. I wonder if your mom is projecting her own insecurities onto you? Like, she is older than your dad, and maybe all these years, she was worried he’d leave her? I dunno, but it seems like her fears are being displaced onto your relationship. I dunno…but it aggravates me…ok so his brother got with a 16 when he was 21…ok so my sister ws 16 and got with a 21 year old man, so what… and even if I was 29 and he was 21 or 22, what’s the big deal? Because he hasn’t gone aroung and slept with the world? A true Catholic man wouldn’t do that anyhow…you know? My mom is into money, she thought after my divorce, and annulment, yes, she thought I was going to go sleep with some executive with money who was like 35 or 40 years old and be set for the rest of my life!!! UGH!!

Third, enjoy this relationship with your fiance. Believe him when he tells you ‘you’re the one.’ It is easy to get wrapped up in self defeating thoughts…that’s the devil’s work, not God’s, by the way. If you both feel that God brought you two together, then follow it through. It sounds like his mom would have preferred her son marrying a woman without kids…and I don’t knock her feelings on that. I think that in an ideal, perfect world…it probably would be something I’d like to see my kids choose. But, we don’t live in a perfect ideal world, and if my kids meet someone someday, who have kids from a prior marriage (as long as the marriage is annuled and not multiple marriages) I will be happy for them. Your mom sounds like she has her own issues, and she punishes you to a degree for her own self defeatist attitudes. It happens. I would try to love her where she is, though. She’s your mom–honor her, love her, but don’t allow her to hurt you. Don’t allow her to ruin this for you. You and only you have the ‘power’ to allow her to ruin this for you. Remember that.
Actually it was pretty crazy how things came to be…even when everything seemed to go against us we came and met and it was crazy!!! It was great, I felt so I don’t know it’s silly…and we keep the passion going…we love each other and he wants more children which I am a bit hesitant, because well I dunno…labor sucks…lol…but I love my children and will never stop being there for them no matter what, and I do believe this is God’s hand at work, bringing us together and I try to enjoy him as well…He’s different and even though he has his uhm not so appealing sides and actions, his love of God and for my children and myself make up for it you know? Yeah I am powerless when it comes to my mother’s and his family’s opinions…I feel worthless for him…as if I am not good enough…I do… I feel bad because even though he’s younger, he chose me…He could have had anyone else, you know? Single, hot, blah blah blah, no kids, but he chose me? I dunno what to think of it…At first I thought I was good enough but now…??? I dunno…Now I feel he can do better…you know? Have a chance to start over…His uncle gave him some advice, the only uncle that actually gives me the time of day…his uncle had kids from a previous marriage, when he got married to my bf’s aunt…They never were able to have children of their own, but she loves his kids as her own. Now they are all grown up with children of their own and that’s their mother you know? So he told my bf, “every time my woman would tell me, (meaning his aunt) I am leaving, I would go to the room grab my luggage and tell her ok where are we going?! You are crazy if you think I am letting you go anywhere, wherever you go I will follow!!!” He told him never to let go…wherever your woman goes you follow!! No matter what!!! LOL…so whenever I tell him I am leaving he tells me, ok so where are we going and how long is it going to take to get there, I need to look for a job as soon as we arrive!! LOL
I will keep you all in my prayers. Good luck to you and your fiance!! ((hugs))

Thanks…I appreciate it…

 

[whatevergirl]

I’m not sure where to begin about your mom,but it doesn’t sound far off from how I was treated by my sister (who now we have a very close relationship) and her husband. (they are now divorced)

I grew up in money. Our dad made a great living, and I grew up with all the trimmings. He died, and left my mom and us quite a bit of money…then, my mom died, and my sister got it all, because she was of age, and going to raise me. I grew up wanting for nothing, except I truly lacked the confidence that I was loved for who I was, by both of them. Now, again, my sister and I are close…but when I was a kid–I felt like a burden to them. My BIL ALWAYS called me names…even though I was a virgin, stayed out of trouble, and got straight A’s. I wasn’t perfect, but I was far from what he thought of me. (his parents used to name call him, etc…so here you go–someone who needed counseling, and never got any, and displaced his anger onto me)

So…I went off to college, and still…heard that I was going to marry a guy who lives in a trailer park…who has no job. Which I always thought was the weirdest comment of all. I couldn’t believe the remarks they would make to me…or within ear shot. I was truly hurting a lot back then. I dated quite a few different guys…some I brought home, some I did not. My husband is roughly 10 years my senior, and my sister had a problem with that when we were dating. She gave me a hard time about the wedding, and so we eloped. I just didn’t want to deal with the drama. She was REALLY upset we eloped. I remember being engaged to him, he is a great man–had good job, stable, and was Catholic (still is lol)…and he bought me a beautiful engagement ring, which she didn’t even look at. You know you have this vision in your mind of how it will be…your family grabbing your hand…looking at your ring…hugging you and saying congratulations! Nope. Not in my family. It took YEARS for me to forgive my sister for ruining that piece of my life. But, truly being a devout Catholic requires you to carry some pretty heavy crosses at times. Too heavy, I think. lol But, God was always there…and He gave me the grace to forgive my sister and now, even, I have a good relationship with my ex-BIL.

So…I was also the black sheep of the family, and I can’t figure out why. I did nothing to deserve being treated like I was worthless…or going to grow up making bad choices. The thing I always thought was funny, is that their marriage was horrible…always fighting. My sister always complaining and making my BIL feel worthless. I thought to myself, this is a marriage I do not want, so who are they to tell me who to marry?

So fast forward to a year ago, and here I was giving advice to my sister who made some very bad choices since her divorce. We really became close over that, and God works in mysterious ways.

Since my eloping, my husband and I were married in the Catholic Church about 5 years ago…I never told my sister that. We were not close 5 years ago–she was going through her divorce…I didn’t think it was good timing on my part to share it with her. But, I have felt very lonely in my childhood and early adult years within my own family. It’s a horrible feeling.

Look at all of this as a lesson for you–you will never ever treat your kids the way your mom has made you feel. And I will never talk to my kids the way I was talked to…NEVER. I also learned how to forgive my family, and love them. You’ll get there someday, but it is hard. I just wanted to share this with you, because I know your pain. My sister wasn’t my mom, but she was like a mom, and to not only have disapproval of who I was marrying, but to have her ignore me…at my own engagement party…that she was throwing? A little on that…my dh and I showed up late because we got lost (we lived in florida at the time, 3 hours away from her) and she ranted and raved as to my lateness. I was like…we got lost. She had a frown on her face the whole day…never ever commented on my ring (this is important to me, it just is)…never congatulated us…(my bil did)…and basically got drunk…and ignored us. I told her at the end of the night…you really make a good martyr. She didn’t like that comment, and I say to that–oh well. I know, I shouldn’t have…but I was over her claiming to be a victim. I was a grown woman…I can marry whoeever I choose. He is a good man…not like I picked a bum. She just had a hard time being happy for me.

FAST FORWARD TO NOW…she LOVES my husband…thinks he’s the greatest man on the earth. Loves his humor, and told me recently how he is SOLID. Knows who he is, etc…

sigh

So, I have been on the rollercoaster in my family as well. Now, I have a new ring and she commented on it recently. (I lost my engagement ring years ago) So, she’s forgiven for that, too.

Hang in there…give it all to God…and pray hard for your mom. I mean really hard. I did this for years, and it paid off. God wants happy families…sometimes, we have to be the ‘bigger’ people to help our families grow closer.

I jsut realized…wow, this is a long post! Sorry.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m not sure where to begin about your mom,but it doesn’t sound far off from how I was treated by my sister (who now we have a very close relationship) and her husband. (they are now divorced)

LOL it’s ok…Thank you for sharing that with me…Don’t worry about me forgiving my mom, been there done that…it’s just that she started with her stuff again recently I mean like last night!! I was surprised I thought we had moved on the whole attacking me thing, but I guess I was wrong…If it is God’s will for my honey and I to wed, then it will happen as hoped, not planned, if it isn’t then I must move on and that’s it…I will continue with my bf until he doesn’t love me or want me any more…until then I am happy, my children are happy but I know hearts can change…I just hope to GOD it doesn’t happen at all…but like I said I will try to make the best of it…It’s just sad to you know? Know that you really can’t count on certain family members to show their support? You know? My sister did that to me too, she never ever liked my engagement ring either…with my first husband oh well, perhaps it was for the best…she hasn’t seen this one yet so hopefully it will be different!! I am nervous and scared because they make me feel as if this man can do much better than me…but like he says to me, “look at that what more do I want, have kids, great woman, soon a house, and soon she will be my wife what more can a man ask for?!” I think I should just start ignoring everyone that has to say negative things and just go for it, you know?

 

[monicatholic]

luvmy,
you wrote this:

At first I thought I was good enough but now…???

being ‘good enough’ has been the main theme throughout your thread. sweetie, please consider counseling. the theme of your life cannot be being/ questioning./ proving you’re “good enough”.

stay away from his vitriol-spewing mother. you may have gotten some distance from your own toxic mother but you’ve refilled the prescription with his mum.

please, luvmy, no marriage, no house, no “keeping the passion going” until you’ve had some serious counseling. getting married isn’t going to make any of this disappear. even if you and he are God’s plan for each other, doing things in God’s time is crucial. rushing God’s plan isn’t wise.

 

[Island_Oak]

I probably don’t have any advice you want to hear…but we have very good friends who married despite a tangible lack of enthusiasm from the man’s parents. Just like your situation–the father was charming and welcoming, the mother was an ice princess–appearing polite and gracious in front of everyone else–scheming, petty, critical and downright rude when dealing directly with the woman. The woman was 4 years older than he was–no kids–and no college education–but carrying some significant debt.

They have been married for 15 years and have two sons. She is a great mom, involved in the community and schools, keeps a beautiful home, is a gracious entertainer. This has never been enough. The MIL has been a burr in their saddle for years. She has alternated between meddling/interfering in their lives, to totally checking out and having very little to do with the grandchildren.

My friend has managed the best she knows how. There have been a couple of heated confrontations over the years–the husband made excuses for his mother’s bad behaviour for years before he finally took a stand. While the meddling may have diminished, no warmth or familial relationship has ever materialized–if anything the criticism has increased with the arrival of kids and their differing attitudes about parenting. She is quite disconnected from her MIL and tends to keep her distance and limit her contact as much as is possible living in the same city.

I think initially the MIL was reacting out of a sense of over-protectiveness, control as well as some snobbishness. She was disdainful of my friend’s lack of college education and downright snotty about the debt she had. These issues were none of her business and once her ADULT son decided this woman was going to be his wife, she should have put her concerns behind her and supported the couple. She never has.

It has been painful, exhausting, disappointing and a never ending game of strategizing how to deal with this woman. I am afraid this is what you may have to look forward to from all you have described. I’m sure your fiance’s mother is concerned about such a young man taking on the huge responsibility of a ready-made family of 3 kids. It would also concern me that you describe him as “lazy,” not exactly a quality that leaps to mind when contemplating a husband or father figure for your kids. But regardless of the validity of her concerns, the bigger issue is her inability to balance those concerns with some level of respect and courtesy towards you.

You need to really think about what you’re in for–no matter how “in love” you are. Extended family can significantly impact married life and your relationship with your potential in-laws is far from ideal and your own parents’ outlook on this marriage is not exactly enthusiastic. I’m also not seeing much leadership from your fiance to address the issue of his mother’s behaviour towards you. At the very least, I would second the priest’s suggestion to give this more time and perhaps, as some here have suggested, a frank conversation with your future MIL. I would be very hesitant to enter a marriage with the issues you have and subject 3 innocent children to the inevitable conflicts and turmoil that will arise because of it.

 

[monicatholic]

I would be very hesitant to enter a marriage with the issues you have and subject 3 innocent children to the inevitable conflicts and turmoil that will arise because of it.

very hesitant. i agree completely (as per my post, submittied only seconds before your very wise advice, IO.)

 

[whatevergirl]

Island Oak makes valid points too.

Lots to think over. Marriage is an extraordinarily serious Sacrament and endeavor…

I think that you should tune out the negativity of your mom and your bf’s mom…but, think about how it all could impact your life.

 

[iluvmybabies]

luvmy,
you wrote this:

being ‘good enough’ has been the main theme throughout your thread. sweetie, please consider counseling. the theme of your life cannot be being/ questioning./ proving you’re “good enough”.

stay away from his vitriol-spewing mother. you may have gotten some distance from your own toxic mother but you’ve refilled the prescription with his mum.

please, luvmy, no marriage, no house, no “keeping the passion going” until you’ve had some serious counseling. getting married isn’t going to make any of this disappear. even if you and he are God’s plan for each other, doing things in God’s time is crucial. rushing God’s plan isn’t wise.

I understand…and you are right…it shouldn’t be about being good enough but that’s how my family and his make me feel…As if I am not… The plan for getting married isn’t to make me feel good enough for him, I love him, he is my best friend, companion, I enjoy our talks, we share great moments together, the peace between us is great, the love we share for God and my children is as well…We want to share our lives together and that was the main reason for marriage to be blessed under God in our great lifelong journey ahead…But with all this negativity it’s draining me…Seriously!! The humiliation from his mother and mine has stopped me dead on my tracks… I have seen counselor’s before, and they have never helped me, all they did was give me antidepressants before, when I was with my exhusband, because I could not live with that man any more…I used to see my priest constantly and he would tell me not to give up eventually my exabusiveh would change, after all those years he never did my priest said that he felt it was time I started anew…and sought out peaceful pastures…I never took the antidepressants, I didn’t need them, I am not weak, and I made it out thanks to God’s help and blessings, so far there is nothing I haven’t made it out of all because of God, He’s the one that has granted me he ability to make it out on my own…I did…and everything was fine for many years…then I met my bf, and everything was great for a while, going on 3 years now and things got bad…esp after his brother’s wedding…his mother asked me for forgiveness this past weekend, for the way she acted with me that night she told me off, and when the past was brought up she shushed her husband gave me a hug and a kiss and turned away, the next time we met, yesterday, she was great for a while and then went back to her old ways, stated she was just tired…I kept my smile and wished her good night!! Then my mother called and all went to haides!!! I couldn’t believe her…Things had been going well between the 2 of us, and she was very supportive about my bf and myself until I mentioned I was putting our pics on myspace page, then she blew up and all of a sudden here came the whole I was older than him, he deserved better, I was gross to put pics of us, that I was a woman and to think of my children, etc etc etc…
Then the thoughts kicked in about me not being good enough…I am sorry if you feel I need counseling and that I am not “normal” enough to make decisions…especially like these…
Obviously the need for advice brought me here, perhaps GOD doesn’t send me an angel to answer my questions but he has faithful servants here on Earth as well, and they serve as great guides too…thanks to HIM…
Perhaps it is wrong for me to think of marriage…and I should just dedicate myself to my children…I should call it off and just set him free…maybe he will find someone who’s more capable of making rational decisions since I may not be…Thanks for your help…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I probably don’t have any advice you want to hear The woman was 4 years older than he was–no kids–and no college education–but carrying some significant debt. Well would it have made a difference if the woman was educated without debt??? I bet it wouldn’t have…

They have been married for 15 years and have two sons.
And there are many that get married and get divorced because they don’t get along with either IL, and for what? For them to get married again to another person and have the same problem again???
My friend has managed the best she knows how. There have been a couple of heated confrontations over the years–the husband made excuses for his mother’s bad behaviour for years before he finally took a stand. Yes, his father adores my children and myself…no problems with him, yes she is cold and always tries to ignore me at all costs…It is difficult to deal with it…very difficult…and my mother is of no help either…his brother and sister love my kids and love me, very much…have welcomed me with open arms…a couple of his aunts and uncles support us as well…my mother accepts it but doesn’t like it, she keeps telling me things like he’s going to leave you for a hotter woman!!! My sister feels the same way…he’s going to leaev me for a younger woman…one of my brother’s feels the same way as well…the other one of my brothers supports us 100%…my father supports us as well…and loves my bf…

I think initially the MIL was reacting out of a sense of over-protectiveness, control as well as some snobbishness. She never has. I am educated, have had a steady job, house, etc… and so has he… but I am not a “virgin” like her other son’s gf now wife was, he met her when he was 21 and she was 15 going on 16…7 years later they are now married…she wanted the same for this son.

It has been painful, exhausting, disappointing and a never ending game of strategizing how to deal with this woman. .
Yes after almost 3 years it’s taking a toll on me…especially since we aren’t married yet…My mother’s lack of support has been her way towards me all my life, used to it…but I feel if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all you know? Obviously something she was never taught!!! Yes but who isn’t “lazy” my father never raised his hand to do a thing except work, my mother worked, raised kids, was a housewife, etc…now she doesn’t even want to cook, so who isn’t lazy…that’s not a big deal to me, I just think it’s funny…he’s lazy…then again I have my lazy moments too when I am in my pjs on a saturday all day long?! No biggie…She always has a fake smile for me, don’t worry but her inability to keep it and to just blurt out her ill feelings towards me is very concerning…
You need to really think about what you’re in for–no matter how “in love” you are.

Well I never got along with my exh family, they hated me and this that I was a married virgin!!! LOL…no kids no debts graduated, getting a college education etc…lol… after everyone’s advice here, I have realized that I am never going to please everyone…My decisions will always contradict someone’s hopes, dreams, wishes, opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc… To some I am incapable of making the right choices, others feel my family is right, other’s feel I should go for it, other’s feel his family is right, others feel the priest knows more and should listen to him and other’s are just unsure of what to really tell me…Everyone’s advice is great and helpful…I guess I was just feeling really low about all this going on and the fact that his mother was not supportive at all when the wedding date was stated…and it kind of dragged me a little…While his sister and his BIL and father supported and hugged me I got cold shoulder, and felt lost and confused…Even more than before, and my mother’s comments didn’t help either…But I see that I need to concentrate on what I believe is right…If I am going to be leaving every man that comes into my life because I will not get my mother’s approval, nor my bf’s paren’ts or family approval, I will never be happy and will never be blessed through the sacrament of marriage… I am leaving it in God’s hands…If it’s meant to be it will be, my wedding date will come and all will go as God planned it to be and I am hoping for… I will not let go just because I am going to worry about him leaving me for a hotter woman, or his mother not accepting me, so far he has been doing well in managing God, children and myself…and I hope to God it continues being so… Thanks for your help and advice…

 

[iluvmybabies]

Island Oak makes valid points too.

Lots to think over. Marriage is an extraordinarily serious Sacrament and endeavor…

I think that you should tune out the negativity of your mom and your bf’s mom…but, think about how it all could impact your life.

As I stated before, my mom and my exh’s family were one of the reason’s that didn’t last… I was tired of trying to please all sides and never got to be myself, never had a chance to voice my opinions and feelings and it just didn’t work out…but my ex was also abusive and would always take on his grandmother’s side…
My bf doesn’t do that, he takes my side no matter what, and his father supports him for that…As he has stated several times, you are the ones that have to live with each other…not us…if you love each other, what’s there to stop you?
My mother will never change and there’s no point for me to keep her negativity around since I now remember how it affected my previous relationship…I don’t think it’s fair that I have always tried to please her so much at my own loss…

 

[whatevergirl]

It’s time to live your own life for you…if your fiance and you are following God’s will…then that is all that matters. I think that your mom is concerned with what others will think, more than anything. How does your divorce reflect on HER? How does you marrying a man younger than you reflect on HER? How does you posting pics of you both on myspace reflect on HER? It is all about her–I think you know that. I’ll keep your mom in my prayers. It must be awful to go through life, like her and my sister once did, always miserable, and trying to make others’ lives miserable in the process.

Re: your MIL…that’s her son, so she has ‘ideals’ in her mind for him, which as his mom, she’s entitled to. But, what is odd is that she was once close to you, and now isn’t. Not sure what happened there, but again–if you have not done a thing to offend…then, you must not worry about this or your mom or what others think anymore.

I would encourage you to make an appt with that priest though. I can’t help but wonder what he is concerned with, and as priests, they are here to help us grow in holiness…and perhaps, he just sees something with all of this, that you and your fiance don’t see. So, that is something I think you should do. You’re not rushing into marriage–your wedding is next year, so I’d be interested in why he would like for you to push it off beyond that, even.

You might be in for a tough time with future MIL, but hopefully, as time goes on, her heart will soften. I wish the best for you–and hope you can find peace in all of this.

 

[iluvmybabies]

It’s time to live your own life for you…if your fiance and you are following God’s will…then that is all that matters. I think that your mom is concerned with what others will think, more than anything. How does your divorce reflect on HER? How does you marrying a man younger than you reflect on HER? How does you posting pics of you both on myspace reflect on HER? It is all about her–I think you know that. I’ll keep your mom in my prayers. It must be awful to go through life, like her and my sister once did, always miserable, and trying to make others’ lives miserable in the process. It’s crazy to think this but everything was fine with my mother up until last night when I told her I was going to put pics of my bf with my children and myself on myspace…then she blew up…seriously!! She was like when I would send her pics of us together “OMG You guys look great I cant wait till the wedding blah blah blah” And then she blew up, “omg he’s going to leave you for a younger woman, omg you’re goin to be in mortal sin all your life, omg dont you think he deserves a chance to start fresh you know with a younger woman no kids?!” I was like HELLO?! what just happened here? It is but like I said I was used to it, up until she faked her support and showed her true colors again!! It’s hard to believe I actually believed everything was fine between the two of us?! I don’t understand her, nothing I do is right for her and seriously I am tired of trying to please her…While her other daughter stays at home and she raises her kids, I have always been out on my own, with my kids…do I not deserve a chance at happiness for once? Since the first chance I had didn’t work out because I was listening to her and trying to please his family? UGH!!!

Re: your MIL…that’s her son, so she has ‘ideals’ in her mind for him, which as his mom, she’s entitled to. But, what is odd is that she was once close to you, and now isn’t. Not sure what happened there, but again–if you have not done a thing to offend…then, you must not worry about this or your mom or what others think anymore. I hear you and his father has told me not to pay attention to her, he loves me, and yeah I am not sure either…I think it’s because she thought it was just a game for her son…or something…She thought that he was doing this to spite her or something…because when he told her it was serious, right, like after we were dating for 6 months, then 9, and then the first year came she changed completely…and got even worst when the first conversation between them came up of his future plans which included me in them were brought up…???

I would encourage you to make an appt with that priest though. I can’t help but wonder what he is concerned with, and as priests, they are here to help us grow in holiness…and perhaps, he just sees something with all of this, that you and your fiance don’t see. So, that is something I think you should do. You’re not rushing into marriage–your wedding is next year, so I’d be interested in why he would like for you to push it off beyond that, even. I have and every time I try to talk to him he says it’s not me, and that there is nothing wrong…that he feels that time is what is necessary…then he looks at my bf and tries to give him hints as if he wants to talk to him and my bf just looks at him as if he’s crazy or something!!! I dunno…seriously…

You might be in for a tough time with future MIL, but hopefully, as time goes on, her heart will soften. I wish the best for you–and hope you can find peace in all of this.

Thanks…I have had it tough, but she’s not just like this with me…I finally found out more this past weekend when there was that big fight that my bf stuck up for me and put her in her place…with respect towards me… She treats her daughter’s husband the same way, and even worst, he stays away as much as possible…I am serious! I also found out that her family doesn’t like her daughter either since she’s not her real blood daughter but marriage daughter her husband’s first marriage… I didn’t know that… so I am just like blah!! They live perfectly fine with it…and that’s what his sister told me, if you love him then forget about her and just live your life the way you want it…

 

[whatevergirl]

Are you sure this isn’t an *As the World Turns *episode and you are confusing it with your life?



Listen…seriously…something that will make this easier for you–in a hurry. When what we’re focused on takes us away from serving God and others…then we need to stop focusing on that, and focus back to God (and your kids, your relationship with your bf) would be the next thing. Second thing–try to see Jesus in the difficult people you have to deal with–and also…maybe buy a book called…how to deal with difficult people…think that’s the title. It’s excellent, might help you here in this situation.

 

[kage_ar]

(It would be much easier to read your posts if you split them into paragraphs).

I’ve not waded though all of it, so, if my advice is redundant, I apologize.

I’m of the school of thought that says divorced people with kids do the best for those kids if they wait to date/remarry until the kids are grown. I know that is not popular, but, maybe that is how some of the family involved feel as well?

While not the prime expert for information on sacramental marriage, Dr. Laura has good-sense type advice about remarriage with little kids - you might want to pick up some of her books.