Family doesn't respect my relationship

  • Thread starter Thread starter Tabbers
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

Tabbers

Guest
Hi all. This is my first post to this site but I’m in a sticky situation and can’t find an answer to my problem anywhere else, and because this does involve my faith, I’m hoping I can get some help here.

I’m 21 and halfway through my junior year of college. I’ve been dating a really great guy for 2 years now. He is a couple years older than I am, smart, family minded, kind, and we have always maintained a very pure relationship, despite temptation. We are very seriously discussing marriage and hoping to do it late next winter or early next spring, after I graduate in December '13. We’ve spoken to our priest about it and even looked at engagement rings. Because of summer courses I am able to graduate early, so we want to get married and then depending on the economy and my job prospects I’ll look in to getting an advanced degree.

My brother is a couple years older than I am, already out of college and employed, has his own place, and a very nice girlfriend that he’s been with for almost 5 years. They aren’t planning on marrying at least not in the near future that I know of, but they do live together.

Over Labor Day weekend my brother and I both went home to my parents house to stay for the weekend and to go to a family reunion. My brother and his girlfriend shared his old room, and my mom tried to put my boyfriend and I in a room. I explained that we weren’t comfortable with that and that we were waiting until marriage and wanted to avoid temptation or making it look like we were having sex. She laughed and couldn’t believe we were waiting. Then she argued that even if we share the room we don’t have to have sex. In the end I got her to pull out the bed in the couch and we slept apart.

That wasn’t the end of it though. The next day I heard her and my older brother talking about how it was “cute” that I brought a “friend” home for the weekend. When we went to the reunion he was introduced as my “friend” and when I corrected her or my brother they just chuckled and said “ok”.

When we got home I tried to talk to them but they basically said that if we were that distant from each other than we weren’t serious and we weren’t anything more than friends. They even said that it would be irresponsible and foolish to even think about marriage if we hadn’t “moved forward”. I felt like a child the whole time!

So now the holidays are coming up and my boyfriend and I plan to visit each others families over Christmas for a few days and he is coming with me over Thanksgiving because his family is across the country and its just not feasible for him to travel see them for a few days right before Christmas. I really don’t want a repeat of Labor Day, and I do love my family and really enjoy spending time with them, but I hate being patronized. I even tried to ask my brother a few days ago if he would consider not sharing a room with his girlfriend over the holidays so that I can’t be singled out. He scoffed at me. I don’t have anywhere else to stay over the holidays and even if I did I don’t think this issue is worth not staying with my mom and brother. Is there anything I can say or do to make it clear that we are serious, we are not just cute little friends, and that we are talking about marriage?

***I should add that I was raised kinda Catholic, if that’s even a thing. We went on Christmas and Easter, and I was baptized and confirmed, but it wasn’t until college that I started taking my religion very seriously and going to Mass every Sunday and as much during the week as I can, praying the rosary, studying the saints and learning church history, and everything else to try to be firm in my faith. My family has always been kind of casual about it and considered it more of a cultural thing than a religious one. They brush off a lot of teachings as out of date and unimportant.

****Sorry this post was so long, I just didn’t want to forget anything.
 
Tabbers said:
Is there anything I can say or do to make it clear that we are serious, we are not just cute little friends, and that we are talking about marriage?
Click to expand...
No.

But you’re an adult and as an adult you’re going to have to learn that people are going to give you grief for various things. In this case, it’s for being a goody twoshoes and actually making a conscious effort to follow God’s commands. That’s life! Don’t feel victimized by it though. Part of being an adult is letting this kind of stuff bounce off of you and still treat everyone with respect and love.

So don’t try and beg for your family’s approval or anything like that. You’re likely not going to get it until you actually get married and settle into a responsible life. Maybe then they’ll give you grudging respect. Who knows? Just be charitable with them, but firm as far as your religious practices go.

As an aside, while I had a supportive family and in-laws, my grandmother was of the same mindset you are. And when she found out that my wife and I were expecting a second child just months after our first was born, she was out of her mind. Of course, several years later, she is in love with our kids and thinks the world of my wife. Doesn’t stop her from being agnostic at best but our attitude towards HER has helped her attitude towards us. Treat your family charitably.
 
Dear God.

Please let my 2 daughters turn out like this…

Amen.
 
Well all I can say is your family may not respect you, but I do. I think it’s great you and your boyfriend are taking the whole “charitable chaste relationship” seriously. It’s easy to just say “oh let’s move in together and shack up” but at that point what’s the point of marriage? Marriage by that point is just a piece of paper.

If I were you, I would simply sit down with your mother (your brother will probably not come around, but if your mom does come around maybe she can straighten your brother) and ask your mother a very simple question:

“Mom do you love me?” – she’ll definitely be thrown off, but that’s the point. She needs to understand that she is hurting you when she is callous about your loving relationship with your boyfriend. When your mother responds then throw down the gauntlet. “Then why don’t you respect what [Boyfriend’s name] and I have?” and flat out tell her that you love this man and you want to have a proper marriage and not “play house” let your mother know how you feel about this man and how you feel about your relationship with him and how you want it to be pure…and if your mother loves you then she should respect what you and your boyfriend have and not belittle it or let your brother scoff at it.

If your mother and brother can’t respect what you have, then in my view they certainly have not earned your respect. Have a talk with your mother in private a nice long talk and get her to see how she hurts you with her callous attitude about your relationship and like I said if you can win her over, she’ll take care of your brother. If you can’t win her over…then just let them be. Love them, but don’t respect them for they clearly are not showing any respect for you.

I’ll pray for you tonight that God may open your mother and brother’s hearts and that you have a very happy and fruitful future marriage with your boyfriend, cause it sounds like it will be a good one 🙂
 
Tabbers said:
Fair enough I guess. In that case is there anything that I can say to kindly and politely shut them down when they start in on me about my “friend”?
Click to expand...
Go with Sun Tzu…aggravate them 😛

They say “friend” just smile and say…“boyfriend”

Don’t let them get to you, treat them like small forgetful children who don’t know any better…don’t get upset or fret if they decide to still call your boyfriend “friend” just smile at them as if they were toddlers who lost their way and soiled themselves and kindly remind them “boyfriend” 😉
 
Tabbers - you’re AWESOME!!

I admire you and I admire the line you and your boyfriend have drawn.

Although they may make you feel like a child, it’s your mother & brother’s behavior that is childish. It’s too bad that it has to be that way.

I have no advice for you other than family can be a real pain in the hinder and just know you’re on the right side of this one.

I hope and pray that all 3 of my children turn out like you!
 
Tabbers, you’re not the only one going through this. This is a great article I read by Steven Crowder. He writes how it would be considered judgmental if you say something about someone else’s relationship, but society thinks it’s fine to judge dating couples who choose to not have sex or cohabitate before marriage.
We did it right. [saving sex until marriage]
Our wedding was perfect. Our wedding night was nothing short of amazing. I write this on a plane heading into a tropical paradise with the most beautiful woman to have walked the planet earth.
Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.
We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.
Click to expand...
Read more: foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/#ixzz2AEktMwgK

I’ve posted this on this site before, but it struck a chord with me. When we were dating, my husband and I went through the same judgement about not sleeping together. We once stayed at his sister’s house. The guest room had two twin beds, but he chose to sleep on the sofa. His sister said in kind of an angry tone, “why can’t you just sleep in the same room?” He just said he would rather sleep on the sofa. (there were times when we did end up sleeping separated but in the same room. but we avoided that as much as possible.)

In a way your family is right in that you are friends at this point, and you two are choosing to not live as husband and wife when you are not. It can be frustrating and heartbreaking when that is not recognized as a virtue by our families. When I was in this situation, I just tried as much as I could to show how much joy this brought the two of us. I tried to show everyone by how I spoke about him, and by how we publicly treat each other that we truly do love each other. I also tried to say things in an empowering way, such as, “I don’t have sex with a man I’m not married to,” “I don’t live with a man I’m not married to,” I don’t sleep in a bed with a man I’m not married to." I believe some people were softened to the point that they could at least see this as a legitimate option even if they weren’t willing to do that themselves. Others still thought it was a dumb idea. A lot of the Christian lifestyle will bring us social persecution, as you are finding out.

Kudos to you for choosing to live this way, especially when you don’t seem to have family support.
 
Tabbers said:
Fair enough I guess. In that case is there anything that I can say to kindly and politely shut them down when they start in on me about my “friend”?
Click to expand...
You are in the process of transitioning into adulthood, and you obviously are very respectful. As an adult, you have the right to say something like, “this is my decision, and it’s not open for discussion.”
 
hannajomar said:
Tabbers, you’re not the only one going through this. This is a great article I read by Steven Crowder. He writes how it would be considered judgmental if you say something about someone else’s relationship, but society thinks it’s fine to judge dating couples who choose to not have sex or cohabitate before marriage.

Read more: foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/#ixzz2AEktMwgK

I’ve posted this on this site before, but it struck a chord with me. When we were dating, my husband and I went through the same judgement about not sleeping together. We once stayed at his sister’s house. The guest room had two twin beds, but he chose to sleep on the sofa. His sister said in kind of an angry tone, “why can’t you just sleep in the same room?” He just said he would rather sleep on the sofa. (there were times when we did end up sleeping separated but in the same room. but we avoided that as much as possible.)

In a way your family is right in that you are friends at this point, and you two are choosing to not live as husband and wife when you are not. It can be frustrating and heartbreaking when that is not recognized as a virtue by our families. When I was in this situation, I just tried as much as I could to show how much joy this brought the two of us. I tried to show everyone by how I spoke about him, and by how we publicly treat each other that we truly do love each other. I also tried to say things in an empowering way, such as, “I don’t have sex with a man I’m not married to,” “I don’t live with a man I’m not married to,” I don’t sleep in a bed with a man I’m not married to." I believe some people were softened to the point that they could at least see this as a legitimate option even if they weren’t willing to do that themselves. Others still thought it was a dumb idea. A lot of the Christian lifestyle will bring us social persecution, as you are finding out.

Kudos to you for choosing to live this way, especially when you don’t seem to have family support.
Click to expand...
Congrats on your happy marriage, and thank you for the support. You’re right, you did do it the right way.

I’m not too comforted by that article though, as I certainly don’t see my brother’s girlfriend as a harlot or a floozy. And he certainly doesn’t have “fickle manhood tied to sexual conquests”. That author is basically saying that he’s entitled to be rude, belligerent, and insulting because people treated him that way, and that’s something I would really like to avoid in my own life. That doesn’t strike me as being right, much less productive.
 
Tabbers said:
Fair enough I guess. In that case is there anything that I can say to kindly and politely shut them down when they start in on me about my “friend”?
Click to expand...
The way I see it, this is not about them disrespecting your relationship, but disrespecting your values. Your values are not the same as theirs, and this bothers them. So they are belittling your values.

So, first off, make sure that you are being respectful to them, and that you don’t ridicule your brother for sharing the intimacy with his girlfriend that he does (that doesn’t mean you can’t have a calm conversation about what you believe to be right and why, but ultimately, you need to show him that you respect his ability to make his own decisions). And make sure that you don’t insult your mom about her belief system. I’m not saying you do these things, but being sure you exhibit respect for them is the foundation to what comes next.

THEN, say to them, “listen Mom and Brother, we love each other right? I want a good relationship with you, you want to get along with me, right? Well here’s the problem. We see some things differently. We have some different opinions on what is right or wrong in a dating relationship, and what makes a person “close enough” to call a boyfriend. We have some other religious differences also. I respect that you look at things differently than me, and you need to respect that I have different views that you do. I am telling you that ___ is my boyfriend, and that we are as close as we plan to be prior to marriage. I am telling you that this level of chastity is how we plan to remain until we marry. You can think I’m silly, you can disagree with me, you can choose to not believe me. That is your prerogative. But you don’t have to make rude comments to me. And you need to show me the same respect I give you you. I am asking you to respect me enough to call him my boyfriend, because that is what he is to me. And I’m asking you to speak about him and about us respectfully.”

If they persist in disrespectful talk, they might need to be reminded, “please show us the respect I show you. He is my boyfriend.” And if people are really persistent about rudeness, then sometimes the conversation needs to end altogether: “I’m not going to have this conversation with you if you are going to be disrespectful to me.” (and leave the room). Hopefully it won’t come to all that - perhaps they just need to be asked nicely to behave a specific way. But just keep in mind that this isn’t specifically about him or you, but about your value system. And it is about the necessity to respect each other despite your differences.
 
BTW, I’m suggesting this because you are talking about your mother, with whom you are probably fairly close. The other option, and one you would use with people you are less close with, or use when you are only around for a short visit, is just to ignore what they say altogether when it is disrespectful. Talk as though that term wasn’t used, become interested in someone else’s conversation, or leave the room. And then just move on, and let them figure it out on their own eventually.
 
Tabbers said:
Congrats on your happy marriage, and thank you for the support. You’re right, you did do it the right way.

I’m not too comforted by that article though, as I certainly don’t see my brother’s girlfriend as a harlot or a floozy. And he certainly doesn’t have “fickle manhood tied to sexual conquests”. That author is basically saying that he’s entitled to be rude, belligerent, and insulting because people treated him that way, and that’s something I would really like to avoid in my own life. That doesn’t strike me as being right, much less productive.
Click to expand...
Wow, you are a gem of a person. I hope your boyfriend sees that and I hope that despite this issue your family does too.

But why not bring this up? You could point out that a lot of people who see things your way think that people who don’t are harlots who lack morals, and they wouldn’t want to be told that from you. And you could bring up how damaging it would be to them and to your relationship with them if you were to say those things. (But of course make it clear that you don’t actually think his girlfriend is a floozy and that he’s a weak man who doesn’t know what love is.)

You just have to explain the concept of adults respecting eachother’s choices, even when they don’t agree with them for the good of the family and the personal relationships therein. I know, you shouldn’t have to explain this to them, but welcome to adulthood.
 
keep doing the right things. that is a shame they can’t support you in this but since she did accommodate separate beds and they are not very committed to their faith then stand tall and you will reap a much happier marriage than your brother who seems to be sleeping with his girlfriend. You won’t be living with your family but your future spouse and hold your head up!
 
I would say don’t get into it with them over the holidays. Just enjoy your time together. If they won’t let up on the issue, then politely make it clear that you do not welcome commentary.

My recommendation for your mom (should she bring it up again) would be to say: “Please respect my decision. It is based on sound research and it is not up for debate”.

(See: nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html and theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/couples-who-wait-report-better-sex-lives/article1847555/ for evidenced-based practice)

As for your brother, don’t take his bait. If he is mocking you/your relationship, a simple “grow up, kid” should stop him in his tracks. If he patronizes/lectures you, a non-committed, semi-dismissive “cool story, bro.” should do the trick.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Wow, you are a gem of a person. I hope your boyfriend sees that and I hope that despite this issue your family does too.

But why not bring this up? You could point out that a lot of people who see things your way think that people who don’t are harlots who lack morals, and they wouldn’t want to be told that from you. And you could bring up how damaging it would be to them and to your relationship with them if you were to say those things. (But of course make it clear that you don’t actually think his girlfriend is a floozy and that he’s a weak man who doesn’t know what love is.)

You just have to explain the concept of adults respecting eachother’s choices, even when they don’t agree with them for the good of the family and the personal relationships therein. I know, you shouldn’t have to explain this to them, but welcome to adulthood.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I read that part of Crowder’s piece as more sarcastic, in a way to show that people don’t like to be criticized because of their sexual choices, and neither do I.
 
austenbosten said:
Go with Sun Tzu…aggravate them 😛

They say “friend” just smile and say…“boyfriend”

Don’t let them get to you, treat them like small forgetful children who don’t know any better…don’t get upset or fret if they decide to still call your boyfriend “friend” just smile at them as if they were toddlers who lost their way and soiled themselves and kindly remind them “boyfriend” 😉
Click to expand...
This. But say it cheerfully and as unaffected as possible. Keep a sunny disposition. I don’t even know that a long talk with your mother and family is necessary. Maybe something short and to the point about how you don’t judge her or your brother and his girlfriend and you expect to be treated the same way. Polite, but firm.

If that doesn’t work, there’s really nothing you can do. Continue to be charitable to them, continue to live the life that you know you’re called to live and have peace in your heart. Ultimately all that matters is that you’re living in accord with God’s will. What others think is wholly irrelevant.
 
Tabbers said:
Is there anything I can say or do to make it clear that we are serious, we are not just cute little friends, and that we are talking about marriage?
Click to expand...
Once you get engaged, problem over.

👍

Until then, just do this :rolleyes: and smile when they refuse to use the term “boyfriend.” How important is it?

Keep on keepin’ on, you’re doing great.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top