Family doesn't respect my relationship

[PennyinCanada]

Wecome to adulthood!
You are giving them a good example of Christian virtue. You are a diamond that sparkles in the Son by your witness. When they keep saying ‘friend’, don’t correct them. Actually, being called ‘cute’ is the most benign thing you’ll hear and suffer with as you walk with Christ in this world. “Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil word falsely because of me, your reward will be great in heaven. They persecuted the prophets before you in the very same way.” Matt 5:11&12 Think of this time with your family as baby steps in learning how to walk with Christ.

…who by faith conquered kingdoms, did what was just, obtained the promises; they broke the jaws of lions, put out raging fires, escaped the devouring sword; though weak they were made powerful, became strong in battle, and turned back foreign invaders. Women received back their dead through resurrection. Others were tortured and would not receive deliverance, in order to obtain a better resurrection. Still others endured mockery, scourging, even chains and imprisonment. They were stoned, sawed in two, put to death at sword’s point; they went about garbed in the skins of sheep or goats, needy, afflicted, tormented. The world was not worthy of them. Heb 11: 33-40

You are just beginning your ‘classes in Christ’! Be strong. Build Christian ‘muscles’. Pray.

God bless you on this journey!

 

[The_Bucket]

Once you get engaged, problem over.



Until then, just do this and smile when they refuse to use the term “boyfriend.” How important is it?

Keep on keepin’ on, you’re doing great.

Or this. Labels really shouldn’t matter, especially labels from other people.

 

[Tabbers]

Once you get engaged, problem over.



Until then, just do this and smile when they refuse to use the term “boyfriend.” How important is it?

Keep on keepin’ on, you’re doing great.

I’m afraid it will be even worse when we announce an engagement. My family has made it clear that they think an engagement would be a foolish mistake. They also said they can’t support me handing my life over to someone who is so distant. I think things will get pretty intense with my family once I have a ring.

 

[ShanaA1984]

First off, Tabbers, I must say that I respect you and your BF’s decision to remain chaste until marriage immensely. Now that thats out of the way. I agree with Austenboston’s approach. Sit down with your mom and have a heart to heart with her. If she is receptive then she will straighten your brother out.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m afraid it will be even worse when we announce an engagement. My family has made it clear that they think an engagement would be a foolish mistake. They also said they can’t support me handing my life over to someone who is so distant. I think things will get pretty intense with my family once I have a ring.

I thought this was about the term they are using, and becoming engaged will mean that your boyfriend is now your fiance’. So term-wise, they will have to acknowledge that you are more than “friends.”

So it’s much more than that. Well, time to detach from their opinions. You “leave and cleave” to your spouse. Let them think and say whatever. Treat them with respect as you get respect, but pay no attention to their opinions whatsoever.

What is this, “someone who is so distant” stuff? They interpret a man who does not have sex with his girlfriend as “distant?” Don’t waste a lot of time working on them, just spend the time on your relationship with your intended.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’m afraid it will be even worse when we announce an engagement. My family has made it clear that they think an engagement would be a foolish mistake. They also said they can’t support me handing my life over to someone who is so distant. I think things will get pretty intense with my family once I have a ring.

Well, if you respect their opinion in general, and if they have actual complaints about her personality traits, it can’t hurt you to give some thought to their critiques, and consider from a different perspective, if you do have anything to be concerned about.

Assuming you do get engaged, I agree with you that it won’t end there. But it also won’t end on the wedding day. Nor will it end when they recognize that you and he are well matched. Because I suspect this is about values. So they might balk when you are visiting for the weekend, and insist on going to Mass on Sunday. Or they might balk when you set certain standards for your future children that they don’t want to abide by. Etc. etc… There is no end to the variety of clashes you could have with them over values over the course of your adult life. This is why it is valuable to find a way, at some point, to make it clear that you all understand that there are many differences between you, and that the way to have a peaceful relationship is to respect each other’s differences. Whether you say it outright at this point or not, you will probably need to say it at some point.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I thought this was about the term they are using, and becoming engaged will mean that your boyfriend is now your fiance’. So term-wise, they will have to acknowledge that you are more than “friends.”

So it’s much more than that. Well, time to detach from their opinions. You “leave and cleave” to your spouse. Let them think and say whatever. Treat them with respect as you get respect, but pay no attention to their opinions whatsoever.

What is this, “someone who is so distant” stuff? They interpret a man who does not have sex with his girlfriend as “distant?” Don’t waste a lot of time working on them, just spend the time on your relationship with your intended.

I feel like this is way more about their condescending attitude and the lack of respect they show her even in front of extended family than it is about a label. I mean, introducing him as her friend and then giggling when she corrects them? Extremely rude.

I can’t recommend that she “leaves and cleaves” to him at 21 until she has a ring. I’m not saying that her relationship isn’t serious and dedicated, but she is very young, and sadly it may be that after she puts him above her family she loses him and then finds herself completely disconnected from everyone she’s close to.

 

[The_Bucket]

She doesn’t necessarily need to cleave to her boyfriend, at least not yet. BEL, you are right about the potential pitfalls there. Save that until the vows are actually made.

But she does need to shut off her need for approval from her family. I’m sure they’d be just as condescending about her religious views even if she didn’t have a boyfriend. Be charitable towards them and love them. Accept whatever love they give you. But don’t be concerned about how they view you. Don’t be concerned about how ANYONE views you, except the Lord.

 

[hannajomar]

Another thing to consider: Is this sexual issue the only reason they think he’s distant, or is there something else about him they don’t like? Is his personality shy and reserved, does he get along with your family socially?

 

[cradlecatholic5]

Tabbers, I respect you and your boyfriend. Sorry your family is being such twits.

“Be thine ownself be true” and that’s what you’re doing.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I feel like this is way more about their condescending attitude and the lack of respect they show her even in front of extended family than it is about a label. I mean, introducing him as her friend and then giggling when she corrects them? Extremely rude.

I can’t recommend that she “leaves and cleaves” to him at 21 until she has a ring. I’m not saying that her relationship isn’t serious and dedicated, but she is very young, and sadly it may be that after she puts him above her family she loses him and then finds herself completely disconnected from everyone she’s close to.

I MEANT when they are engaged - or should I say - IF they are engaged. That is what I was speaking of. IF AND WHEN they marry, she will have to choose her spouse over her disrespectful, giggling family members. It is an important lesson to learn in life. That your family of origin is no longer your primary responsibility, but has to be put down below your spouse (and children, when they arrive) on the list of priorities.

 

[luvpinsanity]

Your family will not respect your relationship - or at least, it is highly unlikely. The “sit down and have a chat” works well with civilized families, but if your family is willing to mock and giggle about your relationship then I don’t think the “Mom, I love you” card is going to work.

What about alternate accommodations? A hotel or any other family members near by?

Just stay positive, and talk about it with each other. God Bless!

 

[KomradeGabriel]

Congrats on your happy marriage, and thank you for the support. You’re right, you did do it the right way.

I’m not too comforted by that article though, as I certainly don’t see my brother’s girlfriend as a harlot or a floozy. And he certainly doesn’t have “fickle manhood tied to sexual conquests”. That author is basically saying that he’s entitled to be rude, belligerent, and insulting because people treated him that way, and that’s something I would really like to avoid in my own life. That doesn’t strike me as being right, much less productive.

Hi Tabbers, sorry you’re going through this. You seem like a very kind person, in addition to having strong convictions about your faith. Some folks are good at following Church precepts but being naturally kind and humble is a real blessing. I feel the same way you do about my non-religious friends, most of them are very far from being sexual perverts even if they live with a significant other so I wouldn’t feel right being hostile to them. However, you are entitled to respect from your family and friends, regardless of whether they share your beliefs. But try not to be disheartened by it, I’m sure you’re very important to them and they’re just acting immature.

You could try having a conversation with them as ThyKingdomCome suggests. Hopefully they will understand that your boyfriend is not being distant, he just has a different set of values and religious beliefs than they do. If you find it intimidating to talk to them personally, try writing them a heartfelt letter. Maybe even your boyfriend can write one to your mom and try to address her concerns about the lack of seriousness in your relationship. He could say something like. “Dear Mrs. X, I want want you to know that I love your daughter and I intend to marry her in a few months but I would really like to have your blessing. I hope I am not giving you the impression that I’m not serious about this relationship. I have already bought a ring, talked to a priest about our upcoming wedding plans (etc). It’s just that, as you must know, I am a very devout Catholic and I would prefer for us not to live/sleep together before we get married. I hope you understand. I want nothing more than to have a great relationship with you and your son as I will soon become a part of this family”

THEN, say to them, “listen Mom and Brother, we love each other right? I want a good relationship with you, you want to get along with me, right? Well here’s the problem. We see some things differently. We have some different opinions on what is right or wrong in a dating relationship, and what makes a person “close enough” to call a boyfriend. We have some other religious differences also. I respect that you look at things differently than me, and you need to respect that I have different views that you do. I am telling you that ___ is my boyfriend, and that we are as close as we plan to be prior to marriage. I am telling you that this level of chastity is how we plan to remain until we marry. You can think I’m silly, you can disagree with me, you can choose to not believe me. That is your prerogative. But you don’t have to make rude comments to me. And you need to show me the same respect I give you you. I am asking you to respect me enough to call him my boyfriend, because that is what he is to me. And I’m asking you to speak about him and about us respectfully.”

If they persist in disrespectful talk, they might need to be reminded, “please show us the respect I show you. He is my boyfriend.” And if people are really persistent about rudeness, then sometimes the conversation needs to end altogether: “I’m not going to have this conversation with you if you are going to be disrespectful to me.” (and leave the room). Hopefully it won’t come to all that - perhaps they just need to be asked nicely to behave a specific way. But just keep in mind that this isn’t specifically about him or you, but about your value system. And it is about the necessity to respect each other despite your differences.

This

 

[Patavium]

Dear God.

Please let my 2 daughters turn out like this…

Amen.

AMEN! Tabbers listen to God!. Read the book of Daniel. It doesn’t matter how much you are mocked for honoring God’s commandments, and God’s wishes, go ahead and keep loving God!

[BIBLEDRB]John 14:15[/BIBLEDRB]