Family Problem~Need Advice

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Leah_Mommy_of_2

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I’ll try to keep this short~~and appreciate the answers…this is hard to write because I’ve been in denial of the situation.

My fiance and I have a two month old daughter. We have confessed and have been absolved of the sin, so please don’t comment on that.

Anyway, I’m on maternity leave. I try to keep the house clean and neat, take care of my five year old from a previous marriage, and take care of our two month old. I have dinner waiting on him when he gets home, do all the grocery and household shopping, do laundry, and wake up when he does even though I don’t have to so I can pack his lunch and get his clothes set out. I try to take good care of him.

Lately, he comes home and eats, and then either lays on the couch for a couple of hours to nap, or he’s on the computer downloading games, or he’s bowling with his league. He professes to love me dearly, telling me he loves me more than I would know.

I am going crazy being at home all day and being “alone” all night, so I want to get a couple of night a week job. I think it would be good for my sanity, and goodness knows we could use the extra cash. He makes plenty for us to survive comfortably, but he has debt he’s paying off, so we don’t have money to spare right now.

He said last night he “forbids” me to get a job, and asked me last night “Who will watch the kids? I work all day, and I’m not going to come home to a ‘second job’”. Watching your kids is a second job? He is very against daycare, but would he rather me get a two DAY a week job and put them there?

The fight got heated and heated. He said hateful, hurtful things, and I said hateful and hurtful things back at him. The thing that scared me and caused me to call the police was him shoving a crucifix in my face and screaming at “Satan” to leave me. Then he started mumbling in Latin and I got freaked out.

He told the police I had “put my hands on him” when in fact, in the early stage of the fight, I had tried to hug him. The police asked him to leave, and he’s been gone since 3:30 a.m. He won’t answer his cell, and he’s not at his mom’s.

What should I do? I love him, but can’t be under someone’s thumb. I have depleted what little I had in savings because SOMEBODY had to buy Christmas gifts.

I have also endured and forgiven his pornography addiction, culminating in him paying $5.00 to some woman on a webcam to see her take her shirt off. Porn has made me feel inferior and inadequate, especially since I gained weight during the pregancy. Should I stay or go?

If you choose not to leave advice, please say a prayer for my family.

Thanks so much
 
Leah, I have no wise words to offer. I am sorry. I will pray for you and your family.
 
Leah–I too am sorry to hear of your pain and fears. First thing–make sure he is safe somewhere.

Do you have family/close friends in the area your could stay with for a while? Your partner sounds very unstable and this is an unhealthy environment for you as an adult, not to mention children. You have some tremendous responsibilities with two tiny kids to care for and it seems some time and space to cool off and re-evaluate this situation would be in order. Make no mistake, this is clearly not a problem limited to your fight last night. But physical violence has now entered the picture and along with his despondency, pornography, lack of communication and money troubles it’s a pot boiling over. Time to get out–at the very least temporarily–before you and/or your kids get burned!!
 
I grew up in a similar situation. I remember asking my mother to leave. Begging her to go, and take us with her. My advice, go.
 
You should take a long term perspective to help clarify what is best for you, your child, and/or your fiance. Your post has some very significant flags of concern with no quick solutions. If you decide to try to make the relatioinship work, I would first put off marriage until you are both stable (mentally, emotionally & spiritually minimally).

Consider talking to a priest for suggestions; a Catholic therapist ( ); do you have any mature married friends to talk with? The important thing is, you want to have a clear mind, peaceful spirit, adundant understanding before you make a decision to remain with *or *marry and spend the rest of you life with this person. Perhaps you need to develop some healthy emotional/financial/lifestyle independance in order to achieve this. I will pray for you.
 
Do not marry this man unless you get relationship counseling. Get some counseling for yourself so you will be strong enough to make a decision. Start with a priest and then see if you have the finances to pay for counseling or see if there is an place where they give counseling for free.Make arrangements for a new place to live in case he doesn’t come back.You shouldn’t be living with a man who is not your husband in any case . Unless it is the absolute last resort.
 
May God bring clarity to your situation. Call upon God to guide you to do His will.

I will pray for you and your family.
 
Hi Leah,

I agree with the advice you have gotten and think you need some time apart in order to consider the best action. I hope you have family nearby that can give you and your little children a place to stay. You need to consider what is best for your children.
You have many of us praying for you.
 
Thank you all for kinds words and prayers…I tried to start a Rosary and didn’t finish…I feel exhausted and very very sad. We did have separate apts. while I was pregnant. We would have dinner and spend the evenings together, and at night, I would go down with my son to our apt. When the baby came, and I decided to take a long maternity leave, finances were so tight…we could barely buy groceries. We got a much larger apt. but it still saved us money. I sleep with the children in one room, and he is WAAAAY on the other side of the apt. in his room. We have been quite sucessful in starting over and remaining chaste until our wedding day.

He is still not home, and still won’t answer his cell. Its been almost 12 hours since he left. I sit here and rehash the argument…and it floors me that he considers taking care of his children at night a “second job”. I thought it would be something he would look forward to and cherish…it would only be for two nights a week…I know money isn’t everything, but I can’t live like this. Its shouldn’t be like this…

I feel like he is trying to have me “under his thumb”. His ex wife went to school and didn’t work, and once she got a career, she left. It was also in due part that he became Catholic and she thought he was taking it “too far”. His sister says she doesn’t remember him being like this with her. Sometimes I feel that he thinks I’m not as intelligent as her or successful as her. But I do know that I try every day to show him in little ways that I care. I just want to be able to have an opinion and a voice. My mom thinks I should leave~~but there’s no where to go. She doesn’t have room, and I don’t want to impose…

I think I’m going to try that Rosary again.

Thanks to everyone,

Leah
 
Dear Leah,

From the man’s perspective.

o COOL DOWN…don’t rule out post pardem depression…however, this is still no excuse for his behavior.

o LEAVE HIM…impose on your mother until you can make it on your own

o DON"T TAKE HIM BACK…he will come back and beg and appologize and promise and be sweet and all the things your want…then about a month later, he will start to change back.

o DO NOT MARRY HIM…It only gets worst. If you think you think you are being suppressed now…I am appualled that he turned the police on you. What a Jerk. AND you want this man back??? I’m just sicken that a man would do that to the mother of his child.

Leave him, get settled and get a lawyer to get the money he owes you for raising his child.
I know this is not the answer you want to hear, but please LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. Because it won’t be long until he start taking his frustrations out on the children.
 
I sympathize with your problems Leah. It seems you’ve gotten entangled in one big mess only the Lord can unravel. Unfortunately, you have to consider that this is your baby girl’s father. You made a mistake with this man that has long term consequences. I don’t know what to tell you except I am saying a prayer for your situation right now…
 
Dear Leah,

I think you must leave because this man is displaying signs of someone who’ll abuse you and your children.

Your priority now should be the safety of your children. Once you marry him there is no way out!

Here are some links about abusive relationships that you should look at:

recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm

mcadsv.com/index.php?name=NH-DV-Warning-Signs

creatingfutures.net/abusive.html

At the very least you should go to your mother’s right now and get a job so that you can support yourself later.

Everything I’ve read about abuse says that your relationship with this guy will only get worse. 😦

P.S. I bet he will come back, apologize, and promise that he will not do that again. But don’t believe him because that’s what all the abusers do! They don’t change and it’ll be only a matter of time before he’s violent towards you once more.

P.P.S. If you are thinking it’s better for the child that you and he stay together, you’re wrong! It’s better for the child to have one parent than to live in an abusive family. Merely witnessing verbal abuse can harm the child forever.
 
I agree that if you do want to marry this man, you do not do so until both of you get some good counseling. This type of behavior can only worsen. He is the biological father of your child, but if he wants to truly be a father, he needs to start by putting you first and by taking some responsibility for his child. I know from experience that staying in a relationship with a man who is so controlling and abusive because he is the father of your children will not be good for the children, either. Children tend to imitate the behaviors of their parents, and so behaviors such as this can be repeated across generations.
it floors me that he considers taking care of his children at night a “second job”. I thought it would be something he would look forward to and cherish.
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Your children will learn from what they see, and they can tell whether they are considered burdens or blessings by their parents. As I said, I speak from experience.
I do know that it is very difficult to make a decision like this, but if you want it to work out, do not marry him or move back in with him until he gets help for his problems. If he really does love you as he claims to, he will be willing to do this for both of your sakes.
I will be praying for you and your family.
 
If your major concern is imposing on your mother, consider this:

When your little ones grow up, get in trouble, then repent and need help getting out, how much inconvenience will you be willing to suffer? I suspect the answer is ANY inconvenience. Same goes for your mom. Probably she’d be willing to sleep in a cardboard box if it helped you avert a lifetime in an abusive marriage.

Do NOT marry this man until/unless he displays an entire YEAR of changed behavior FIRST. So sorry to hear of your strugges. May God give you wisdom and strength.
 
Leah Mommy of 2:
The thing that scared me and caused me to call the police was him shoving a crucifix in my face and screaming at “Satan” to leave me. Then he started mumbling in Latin and I got freaked out.

I have also endured and forgiven his pornography addiction, culminating in him paying $5.00 to some woman on a webcam to see her take her shirt off. Porn has made me feel inferior and inadequate, especially since I gained weight during the pregancy. Should I stay or go?
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These two actions on his part are large red flags in regards to this man’s state of mental health. He has some really big issues.

Leave while the leaving is easy. Don’t marry this man. I fear for your safety.

If you do decide to stay, be sure that he gets help for his obvious mental health problems. Do not marry him until after he has seen a doctor and shows signs of recovery and you both get counseling. I worry for him and you. You have a tough road ahead of you. Good luck and God bless. My prayers are with you.
 
Leah,

There is always somewhere else to go. Please get out your phone book and look under “shelters” or “non-profit” and see what is listed.

Call the non-emergency line for your local police department and ask for a shelter referral to a home for women suffering from domestic violence.

Do a google search that includes a big city near you for the phrase “women’s shelter.” Like, “Philadelpha+women+shelter” to see what you come up with.

There are staff members who will give you a place to live, food to eat and assistance in finding a job and/or childcare for your children while you work. I know it is not optimal, but perhaps your mother would even be willing to pitch in and do some of it.Or, your church members. Run an ad in your parish bulletin that asks for volunteer child care. (Screen these people carefully.) They will probably even honor your need to be with your baby for now, but will assist you in “returning to society” on your feet, with a place to live and governmental housing if needed, etc. There are so many programs that will allow you to pay what you can afford. But, you have to get into the system first and ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED.

Get a lawyer and tell him to freeze your mutual assets. If you can’t afford that, can you close the accounts he has access to? Are you on your fiance’s bank account? Does he have access to your credit card numbers? Cancel the account if you need to. Have the bills be sent to your mother’s house. Be very, very careful.

This is not the man for you. There are tough days ahead, but think of this as a cloud with a silver lining–you will not be entering into a marriage with an abusive man who will teach your children that screaming, yelling and physically hurting each other is okay.

I am so so so sorry to hear the pain you are going through. God loves you and you are not alone.

Abby
 
Dear, dear, Leah,
My heart aches for you. I agree with most of the advice on the thread so I will not add to it, but please know that I am praying for you, your children, and your fiance. May God keep you safe and strong in your time of need.

God Bless.
 
Leah –

I feel so badly for you in your situation. This does not look like a stable home for your children, and I think you feel this too or you would not have written. But, you have more resources than you realize:
  1. Your mother. I agree with the other poster – If I were your mother, would take my child back in any similar situation, no second thoughts whatsoever. Heck, I would sleep on the living room couch and give them my room! No kidding!!
If you have other relatives nearby that can babysit or help in any other ways, turn to them too.
  1. Your own abilities. If you’re posting on the web and reading, you’ve obviously got some personal resourcefulness. Use that a step further – with your phone book. Here are a few places to look:
Legal Aid: If you can’t afford a lawyer, then call your county’s Legal Aid. You have the twin issues of financial solvency and child custody that need to be settled as soon as possible. If it works out that he settles down, goes through therapy, etc., then you can go back to him then. But for now, you need to get independent. You will not qualify for many kinds of help (including Medicaid for those children!) until you do.

Employment, even if part time: Assuming your mom could help watch the kids when she’s off – even if it’s only a few hours a week, work WOULD be good for your self esteem and it would help you to pay the bills. It also will begin your establishing a resume again toward longer term goals.

There are government-funded programs around the country that will help young adults – including single parents – to get their GED (if needed) and to find a job. Call community colleges, state employment offices, even your crisis pregnancy centers (yes I know you already had the baby) to find out how to get plugged in to such a program.

Turn to all of the resources offered at both your parish and the diocese, available from your church bulletin, Catholic radio and newspaper and the web.

Don’t be ashamed right now to take what is handed out. For example: If you need to get toys from Toy and Joy for the kids, do it. Don’t be ashamed. People donate to those efforts for individuals in tough situations like yours. Someday, you WILL be in a better situation and then it will be your opportunity to give back.
  1. Your most important resource is your own personal faith! It will pull you through.
God bless!!
 
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