Family Problem~Need Advice

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I have a real concern about the crucifix , calling you Satan part also. This is not the normal action of a Catholic husband. He needs some instruction in this area also. Spiritual counseling as well as therapy would be real helpful to you guys.
 
Leah,
Reach out to any family or friends you can. Your children are worth more than this man can ever give them. More importantly YOU are worth more than this. YOU SO ARE. It will be hard, but each day that passes will make things seem more hopeless, so please consider action as soon as you can.
Take a deep breath
and remember we here at CA love you,
Meggie
 
Thanks again…I really am grateful to all of you. He came home, stomping and mumbling and giving me nasty faces. I called his mom to explain the situation, and she came to get the kids so I can have some time to rest. I haven’t gotten the courage to ask him where he went all this time~~I think ignorance is bliss. His mom confided to me that she has problems saying she is wrong and saying she is sorry, and that’s probably where he gets it from. If you all could still include me and my kids in your prayers…I could use it!
 
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manualman:
If your major concern is imposing on your mother, consider this:

When your little ones grow up, get in trouble, then repent and need help getting out, how much inconvenience will you be willing to suffer? I suspect the answer is ANY inconvenience. Same goes for your mom. Probably she’d be willing to sleep in a cardboard box if it helped you avert a lifetime in an abusive marriage.

Do NOT marry this man until/unless he displays an entire YEAR of changed behavior FIRST. So sorry to hear of your strugges. May God give you wisdom and strength.
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:bowdown: Excellent point. Sometimes when we are in a tight place we feel like we have no choices because we need the help of others. There’s hardly a mother alive who would turn away a child (and grandchildren) in need. Even if space is tight it doesn’t have to be forever–just long enough for you to have time to think in peace and safety.
 
Leah Mommy of 2:
I’ll try to keep this short~~and appreciate the answers…this is hard to write because I’ve been in denial of the situation.
My fiance and I have a two month old daughter. We have confessed and have been absolved of the sin, so please don’t comment on that.
Anyway, I’m on maternity leave. I try to keep the house clean and neat, take care of my five year old from a previous marriage, and take care of our two month old. I have dinner waiting on him when he gets home, do all the grocery and household shopping, do laundry, and wake up when he does even though I don’t have to so I can pack his lunch and get his clothes set out. I try to take good care of him.
Lately, he comes home and eats, and then either lays on the couch for a couple of hours to nap, or he’s on the computer downloading games, or he’s bowling with his league. He professes to love me dearly, telling me he loves me more than I would know.
I am going crazy being at home all day and being “alone” all night, so I want to get a couple of night a week job. I think it would be good for my sanity, and goodness knows we could use the extra cash. He makes plenty for us to survive comfortably, but he has debt he’s paying off, so we don’t have money to spare right now.
He said last night he “forbids” me to get a job, and asked me last night “Who will watch the kids? I work all day, and I’m not going to come home to a ‘second job’”. Watching your kids is a second job? He is very against daycare, but would he rather me get a two DAY a week job and put them there?
The fight got heated and heated. He said hateful, hurtful things, and I said hateful and hurtful things back at him. The thing that scared me and caused me to call the police was him shoving a crucifix in my face and screaming at “Satan” to leave me. Then he started mumbling in Latin and I got freaked out.
He told the police I had “put my hands on him” when in fact, in the early stage of the fight, I had tried to hug him. The police asked him to leave, and he’s been gone since 3:30 a.m. He won’t answer his cell, and he’s not at his mom’s.
What should I do? I love him, but can’t be under someone’s thumb. I have depleted what little I had in savings because SOMEBODY had to buy Christmas gifts.
I have also endured and forgiven his pornography addiction, culminating in him paying $5.00 to some woman on a webcam to see her take her shirt off. Porn has made me feel inferior and inadequate, especially since I gained weight during the pregancy. Should I stay or go?
If you choose not to leave advice, please say a prayer for my family.

Thanks so much
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You poor thing Leah–I will pray for you for sure.

May I ask why the two of you aren’t married? You have a beautiful child together and you love each other. This would be the first step. Just do it. It hopefully will solidify your committment somewhat. As for him sitting on the couch or computer after work-----what else is new with men? My H barely lifts a finger around the home too --unless I ask him to–then he’ll gladly do it–but he never thinks of it on his own. Ask him for help. Men certainly aren’t mind readers --that’s for sure.

If you want to get a P/T job at nite–you should be able to. It’s his child he’d be caring for–and baby would be sleeping anyway. But I think your problems sound more like a committment issue than anything else. It’s never healthy to set up housekeeping until you have a home (and a marriage). Get this out of the way and all your other problems I feel might disappear. If you love each other very much, if you know in your heart he really loves you, I would marry right away, trust your gut --it’s seldom wrong.

God Bless~~
 
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sparkle:
You poor thing Leah–I will pray for you for sure.

May I ask why the two of you aren’t married? You have a beautiful child together and you love each other. This would be the first step. Just do it. It hopefully will solidify your committment somewhat. As for him sitting on the couch or computer after work-----what else is new with men? My H barely lifts a finger around the home too --unless I ask him to–then he’ll gladly do it–but he never thinks of it on his own. Ask him for help. Men certainly aren’t mind readers --that’s for sure.

If you want to get a P/T job at nite–you should be able to. It’s his child he’d be caring for–and baby would be sleeping anyway. But I think your problems sound more like a committment issue than anything else. It’s never healthy to set up housekeeping until you have a home (and a marriage). Get this out of the way and all your other problems I feel might disappear. If you love each other very much, if you know in your heart he really loves you, I would marry right away, trust your gut --it’s seldom wrong.

God Bless~~
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:banghead: Sparkle I am really going to try to be as respectful as I can. You have said if knew what your husband was going to be like you’d never have married him! And yet you advise this young women to marry someone who obviously has serious issues?

Thinking that is not his responsibility to help care for his children is wrong and not normal. Grabbing a crucifix and yelling get behind me Satan is NOT NORMAL! Lying to the police about his wife “putting her hands on him” is not normal. This is NOT the way to begin a marriage. Maybe this guy will change but walking down the aisle will not magically do that. This is a HUGE MYTH that many women buy into.

Just do it? Is this some Nike commercial? Marriage is FOREVER. There are no second chances. You want her just marry someone that may display these hurtful, abusive behaviors for their entire marriage. Get married and all your problems might go away? And what if they don’t? Then what? I doubt a sane Catholic priest would marry them at this point in their relationship anyway.

I am trying to understand Sparkle, I really am but do you want this women in the same boat as you? Is this some kind of misery loves company?

Leah I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. Please, please listen to others and wait. Wait until these issues are thoroughly resolved. God does not want you to have a marriage where you have to be afraid, where everything falls on you. Your boyfriends behavior (after work) is childish and selfish. You are not the nanny and housekeeper. You are the women he professes to love, love is actions NOT words.You are in my prayers.
 
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sparkle:
You poor thing Leah–I will pray for you for sure.

May I ask why the two of you aren’t married? You have a beautiful child together and you love each other. This would be the first step. Just do it. It hopefully will solidify your committment somewhat. As for him sitting on the couch or computer after work-----what else is new with men? My H barely lifts a finger around the home too --unless I ask him to–then he’ll gladly do it–but he never thinks of it on his own. Ask him for help. Men certainly aren’t mind readers --that’s for sure.

If you want to get a P/T job at nite–you should be able to. It’s his child he’d be caring for–and baby would be sleeping anyway.** But I think your problems sound more like a committment issue than anything else**. It’s never healthy to set up housekeeping until you have a home (and a marriage). Get this out of the way and all your other problems I feel might disappear. If you love each other very much,** if you know in your heart he really loves you, I would marry right away, trust your gut --it’s seldom wrong.**

God Bless~~
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This is simply a* horrid, horrid* post!! (no matter what the intention of sparkle). How can anyone in their right mind advise Leah Mommy of 2 to marry this man (let alone “right away”) as a possible solution!! This poster sounds like a “misery loves company” type of poster. By all means go with the consensus of all the previous posts and ignore the advise of this simply idiotic post. God bless and I will continue to pray for you.
 
Leah,
I will pray every day for you and your children. I also pray the 54 Rosary Novena. I alternate my requests for Catholic relationships for all my children and the children of all my friends. I will add you and your fiance to that.

I think you have read and digested all the previoius posts that caution against red flags. I think Catholic counseling would be good. If you think there is any hope that he can be the one for you, then he needs to get help too. Participate in some spiritual guidance- and that could come in many different ways. If you know a priest that would be able to point you in the right direction, then please call him.

I know when you have two wonderful children that need you, and that money is a necessity that things can look very hard. Lean on your support group, whoever that may be. You need relief from the stress of this. Sometimes it is hard to admit to parents when we have made a mistake. I just hope my girls call me when they are down. I want to be able to help.

Prayers are coming your way today.
 
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rayne89:
Please, please listen to others and wait. Wait until these issues are thoroughly resolved. God does not want you to have a marriage where you have to be afraid, where everything falls on you. Your husbands behavior (after work) is childish and selfish. You are not the nanny and housekeeper. You are the women he professes to love, love is actions NOT words.You are in my prayers.
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I totally agree …see my PM to you. 🙂
 
I agree him leaving for things like bowling is a bit much. but I tell you this, Id do just about anything to be stuck home like you. I work 2 jobs just to stay afloat, 60 hours aweek.its a nasty world out there I just like to leave it out there. between a boss that is never satisfied, traffic jams slow lines at stores, on and on and on, Id just rather be home. so Im telling you, you have it made, youve got his paycheck coming in to take care of material needs, you can do tasks on your terms rather than some idiot bosses terms, and you dont have to deal with slow pokey drivers in front of you making you late for where you are going. Id say the grass is greener on your side as a home maker than any of us who have to go to work.
 
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aspawloski4th:
I agree him leaving for things like bowling is a bit much. but I tell you this, Id do just about anything to be stuck home like you. I work 2 jobs just to stay afloat, 60 hours aweek.its a nasty world out there I just like to leave it out there. between a boss that is never satisfied, traffic jams slow lines at stores, on and on and on, Id just rather be home. so Im telling you, you have it made, youve got his paycheck coming in to take care of material needs, you can do tasks on your terms rather than some idiot bosses terms, and you dont have to deal with slow pokey drivers in front of you making you late for where you are going. Id say the grass is greener on your side as a home maker than any of us who have to go to work.
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Maybe some but not all. My husband has said being at home full time would be much harder than going to work, he did it for a while when he was laid off. I do work about 20 hours a week and believe me that is the easiest part of my day.
 
As a guy and a husband I would say that it sounds like time for you to break it off. You just got a really up close and personal view of what this man in all about, and I wouldn’t want a daughter of mine to be in a situation like that, even if she had to come home and all that.

I promise you my prayers. Starting with this one right here:
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve: to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then, most gracious Advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus. O clement, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary! Amen.

and this one too:

Saint Michael, the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our safeguard against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do you, O Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who wander through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.
 

May I ask why the two of you aren’t married? You have a beautiful child together and you love each other. This would be the first step. Just do it. I​

Sparkle, what are you thinking!!!
Are you SERIOUS???
MommyLeah, I had been concerned earlier as your fiance had me worried because he using corporal punishment on your five year old.
BEFORE you even consider marrying this man, please, move in with your mother or a friend. Give it a year and a half, if your fiance is of substance he will get the needed help. His behavior is unacceptable!
 

Excellent point. Sometimes when we are in a tight place we feel like we have no choices because we need the help of others. There’s hardly a mother alive who would turn away a child (and grandchildren) in need. Even if space is tight it doesn’t have to be forever–just long enough for you to have time to think in peace and safety.
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Leah, please consider moving in with your mother.
 

you have it made, youve got his paycheck coming in to take care of material needs, you can do tasks on your terms rather than some idiot bosses terms, and you dont have to deal with slow pokey drivers in front of you making you late for where you are going. Id say the grass is greener on your side as a home maker than any of us who have to go to work.​

I really pity your wife. Hate to inform you a homemaker WORKS.
 
of I have 2 sugestions for some out of house time for you, that would be much more rewarding than just having a job 2 days a week. and if you take either sugestion dont ask your hubby if you can, just tell him you are doing these and he will have to make time to be home when you do. first a volunteer activity, find out if your parrish needs help somewhere, or maybe right to life, you get the gist. that would be a lot more meaingfull than puitting time in some business working to make someelse’s profilts. second get up an at home business, ie reliv, quixtar, avon, the choices are endless, you could supplement your income, meet new people, maybe with something like quixtar replace you hubbys income someday to bring him home. quixtar ,and reliv have frequent seminars, that would get you out of the house like you seem to want to do. with at home businesses the choices are endless, and the sky is the limit. they would be much much more rewarding than working for someone else.remember wat ever you decide to do just do it, and your hubby will just have to take some responsibility and accomodate.
 
if you were my daughter you would have been with your parents or in a woman’s shelter a half hour after he left and there would be a peace warrant out against him, so that if he approached you or the children he would be arrested. I would be doing everything in my power to help you get a job and a place to live, and to discourage you from even considering marriage until his severe control issue and roots of his bizarre behavior are addressed and resolved. A man who abuses a women will eventually abuse the child. Then I would gently guide you into counselling for yourself to find out why you have a pattern of getting involved in relationships that do not involve lifetime marriage commitment yet produce children, and lead you to value yourself as highly as your parents do, and your God does.
 
Leah:

The issue here is do you love this man? Does he love you, and Is he a worthy man to share your life with despite this one incident? If so, I do think your problems are committment related and yes I think you should get married, despite the contrary views of others on this thread. One incidence of a fight, does not wipe away 2 or more years of a committed relationship if it’s a good one, IMO anyway. Did he hit you? What is he like deep down Leah? I gathered that he is a decent man. Perhaps I’m wrong —waaaay wrong even. If he is not by any means decent, and abuses you–or a Loser-----then by all means leave --even if you do have a child together. Only you know the answers. It’s hard to gather all the facts sometimes by reading posts.

Perhaps Leah was writing her post in the fit of the moment ----and so others have gathered an all around picture that isn’t all together accurate. Could be. Leah, take some deep hard looks at your situation really. Let us hear more. Did he return? What do you think today?

God Bless~~
 
Leah Mommy of 2:
T If you all could still include me and my kids in your prayers…I could use it!
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No one here can solve your problem or make your decision - they can only offer some insights - but I should like to recommend that you consider that sometimes “love” is not enough. It simply isn’t. We often love or are attracted to things, people and places that are not good for us or we are not good for them. It takes a mature adult to look at the situation and to walk away from “love” when one is in its throes–it is very very hard. But this is not some movie or soap opera. It is about real people, in a real situation. Only in Hollywood does mutual attraction end up ALWAYS in living happily ever after".

A marriage - a long time commitment for life takes in a number of things - the first of which is usually love - but you need to consider the other things as well. As you live with someone those things become ever more important as the years go on.

How is that love expressed? How is the friendship between you faring? If there is an imbalance in any situation, be it work, or marriage or family where “control”, authority and intimidation is more forceful from one towards the others, feelings of love usually die after a time, of their own volition. Often after children, families and finances are all damaged or destroyed. You need someone who will work with you, who will “live out” that love expressed not just talk about it inbetween “bouts”. These are difficult, and hard decisions, you will have to face them head on and decide if besides the “love” there are the other things as well. Without them it cannot last, you will only feed the things that poison the relationship and it will eventually end.

One of the most difficult choices we have to make in life is understanding that all we want or desire is not good for us and we have to say “no” sometimes.
 
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