Family Reunion

[BettyBoop416]

As a long time lurker on here, I have enjoyed following some of the discussions on CAF. Now I find myself in a situation where I could use some advice, so I have established an account for myself so I can post a question. It’s a long story, but I’ll be as brief as possible.

I come from a large family - I am one of eight siblings. We are all Catholic, but with varying degrees of faithfulness to Church teachings. As it happens, we have been scattered all over the country. With the exception of a brother who lives in my hometown a block away from my parents, none of us live within 250 miles of each other. Consequently, it is a rare occasion for all of us to be together. To remedy this situation, we have established the tradition of having a family reunion at one of our homes every three years. It’s typically a grand affair where we all stay at the home of the host. The kids sleep in tents in the backyard and the adults sleep in guest bedrooms, on sofas, or on any soft surface they can get comfortable on. A grand time is had by all.

Now the problem: At the time of the last reunion (which I hosted), one of my brothers had recently married a protestant woman who had been previously married and divorced. Since she had not received an annulment for her first marriage, she and my brother had a civil ceremony. When the family arrived for the reunion, I tried to steer my brother and his “wife” to separate sleeping areas, but they would have none of it. We finally had a confrontation where I informed them that I would not allow them to sleep together in my house. I informed them that they could stay at a hotel which is just a few miles away. Instead, they chose to return home (which involved some expense due to their non-refundable tickets on a flight several days in the future.) Needless to say, this cast a shadow on the rest of the reunion, and most of my family considered me the bad guy. Since that time, my sister-in-law received an annulment and their marriage was convalidated, although she still has no interest in becoming a Catholic. Although I haven’t seen this brother since the reunion, I have talked to him on the phone a few times. While he remains civil towards me, our relationship has obviously changed in a fundamental way.

Anyway…the next reunion is coming up in a few months and – you guessed it – it is at the home of this same brother. My husband and five kids are very much looking forward to going, seeing all the cousins, and enjoying the festivities. When talking to my other brothers and sisters, I learned that they have already received invitations to stay at my brother’s home, and they are all making plans to go. I, however, have heard nothing. I talked to my mother about the situation, and while she indicated that she would love to see me there, she’s not sure it’s realistic to expect an invitation, given the fact that I turned them away at my home.

Anyone have any suggestions?

 

[Art321]

First off, I would like to say welcome to CAF!

Perhaps what would work best is if you and your family could stay at a local hotel! It would appear a bit insulting asking your brother to see if you could stay at his home after what happened with you two. In the end, just be polite during the reunion and don’t even bring up the subject! It is supposed to be a time to enjoy yourselves with the entire family!

 

[momor]

I actually think you owe your brother and his wife an apology for not explaining the sleeping arrangements BEFORE they arrived. That would have allowed you to state your position without it being confrontational, embarassing them, or causing them to want to leave. If they didn’t like your rules they could have chosen to stay at home or rent a room. As it was, I actually think you may have created more scandal. It also seems your mother is rather sympathetic to your brother not inviting you to his home and I think that is telling.

You could apologize to your brother and his wife for not explaining your position before they arrived and offer to pay them for the extra expense they incurred for changing plane tickets. I would also tell them that you would understand entirely if they didn’t want to invite you to their home this year. It might be all that it would take to mend the rift.

 

[LoyalViews]

What you did was brave, and moral.
As other posters have kindly said, Apologize.
They took it the wrong way, but I’m sure that if you apologize, that everything will be back to normal (Please God). You certainly know whats moral and whats not!
I’ll pray for you, and God Bless!

 

[Catholic1954]

Good grief! If I had received such an insulting reception from my husband’s family, I would have fled the scene never to be seen or heard from again. No wonder they prefer not have you in their home. If you really want an invitation, you will have to call and at least explain your side of what you were thinking, hopefully, this is just their way of getting your attention so you all can work it out.

 

[puzzleannie]

As Anyway…the next reunion is coming up in a few months and – you guessed it – it is at the home of this same brother. My husband and five kids are very much looking forward to going, seeing all the cousins, and enjoying the festivities. When talking to my other brothers and sisters, I learned that they have already received invitations to stay at my brother’s home, and they are all making plans to go. I, however, have heard nothing. I talked to my mother about the situation, and while she indicated that she would love to see me there, she’s not sure it’s realistic to expect an invitation, given the fact that I turned them away at my home.

Anyone have any suggestions?

I think your mother has accurately stated the situation. Why would you even consider sleeping in their house since the same, to your estimation, sinful situation would be going on?

 

[momor]

I think your mother has accurately stated the situation. Why would you even consider sleeping in their house since the same, to your estimation, sinful situation would be going on?

I think you missed this sentence in the OP:
*Since that time, my sister-in-law received an annulment and their marriage was convalidated, *

 

[BettyBoop416]

I actually think you owe your brother and his wife an apology for not explaining the sleeping arrangements BEFORE they arrived. That would have allowed you to state your position without it being confrontational, embarassing them, or causing them to want to leave. If they didn’t like your rules they could have chosen to stay at home or rent a room. As it was, I actually think you may have created more scandal. It also seems your mother is rather sympathetic to your brother not inviting you to his home and I think that is telling.

You could apologize to your brother and his wife for not explaining your position before they arrived and offer to pay them for the extra expense they incurred for changing plane tickets. I would also tell them that you would understand entirely if they didn’t want to invite you to their home this year. It might be all that it would take to mend the rift.

My apologies for not being clearer. In an effort to shorten my story I guess I left out a few details.

Before this reunion I was very close to this brother. When he informed me about his upcoming marriage I expressed, in no uncertain terms, my concern and disapproval about the fact that his marriage would be invalid. In fact, I clearly recall saying to him, “You’ll be living in sin. You won’t really be married.” I guess I should have been clearer about not allowing them to sleep together before they arrived, but I assumed, as a Catholic, he would understand. Also, it’s not as if I just threw them out on the street. I offered other sleeping arrangements at my house, and suggested the option of the nearby hotel if they preferred that.

Why would you even consider sleeping in their house since the same, to your estimation, sinful situation would be going on?

Had the same sinful situation still be going on, I would not have considered sleeping at their house.

 

[Thomas63116]

Here’s my 2 cents. . .

You owe your brother an apology. While you clearly expressed your disapproval of his invalid marriage, you did not make it explicitly clear ahead of time that under those circumstances you could not allow the two of them to sleep in the same bed under your roof. (While you think this should have been obvious to him, a lot of things that should have been obvious to him were not).

You could have told him ahead of time, “You know how I feel about your decision to marry outside the Church. I’m looking forward to seeing both of you at the reunion, but I can’t allow you to sleep in the same bed under my roof. It would set a bad example for my kids. I’m happy to provide separate sleeping areas for the two of you, or if you prefer you can stay somewhere else close by. I hope you understand.”

They could have made a decision about how to handle it ahead of time, instead of being put on the spot. He probably felt like he had to chose between his new wife and his sister, with all of his family watching, and that’s not a fair position to put him in.

They’ve gone through the process of getting their marriage recognized by the Church, which means that at least on some level they have accepted that you were right on the substance - something was lacking in their marriage and they needed to make it right. You can admit that you were wrong on the “style.”

 

[Em_in_FL]

Here’s my 2 cents. . .

You owe your brother an apology. While you clearly expressed your disapproval of his invalid marriage, you did not make it explicitly clear ahead of time that under those circumstances you could not allow the two of them to sleep in the same bed under your roof. (While you think this should have been obvious to him, a lot of things that should have been obvious to him were not).

You could have told him ahead of time, “You know how I feel about your decision to marry outside the Church. I’m looking forward to seeing both of you at the reunion, but I can’t allow you to sleep in the same bed under my roof. It would set a bad example for my kids. I’m happy to provide separate sleeping areas for the two of you, or if you prefer you can stay somewhere else close by. I hope you understand.”

They could have made a decision about how to handle it ahead of time, instead of being put on the spot. He probably felt like he had to chose between his new wife and his sister, with all of his family watching, and that’s not a fair position to put him in.

They’ve gone through the process of getting their marriage recognized by the Church, which means that at least on some level they have accepted that you were right on the substance - something was lacking in their marriage and they needed to make it right. You can admit that you were wrong on the “style.”

I agree… the conversation should have been had before the last reunion. You owe your brother an apology.
I still wouldn’t expect to be asked to stay at their house… get a hotel.

 

[catharina]

My apologies for not being clearer. In an effort to shorten my story I guess I left out a few details.

**Apologies are due - to your brother and his wife.
What you did to them was unspeakable. **

Before this reunion I was very close to this brother. When he informed me about his upcoming marriage I expressed, in no uncertain terms, my concern and disapproval about the fact that his marriage would be invalid. In fact, I clearly recall saying to him, “You’ll be living in sin. You won’t really be married.” I guess I should have been clearer about not allowing them to sleep together before they arrived, but I assumed, as a Catholic, he would understand. Also, it’s not as if I just threw them out on the street. I offered other sleeping arrangements at my house, and suggested the option of the nearby hotel if they preferred that.

Please do NOT make excuses for your bad behavior.
He married her - but you “assumed” he would not sleep with her?
I can’t believe that. YOU caused an ugly scene. YOU need to fix it.
If you knew they were coming, simple logic would insist you tell them of your restrictions -
BEFORE they arrived at your home to be humiliated by you among family.

Had the same sinful situation still be going on, I would not have considered sleeping at their house.

**I’m amazed that your family hasn’t “corrected” you, in all charity.
Your brother arrived AT YOUR HOME and
THEN you told him: “Choose my rules or choose your wife.”

Don’t pretend you were “upholding” Church Teachings.
If you were doing that, you’d have told him BEFORE the visit.
I’m one of eight siblings too. I can only imagine what your sibs think of your actions.**

 

[BettyBoop416]

After much reflection and prayer, I have decided to call my brother tonight and offer my apology. Everyone is right…I should have made my position clear before they journeyed to my house. Hopefully he will understand and accept my apology. In any case, we have decided not to attend the reunion this year. The next one will be on neutral ground, and hopefully by then we will have healed our relationship.

**
Don’t pretend you were “upholding” Church Teachings.
If you were doing that, you’d have told him BEFORE the visit.
I’m one of eight siblings too. I can only imagine what your sibs think of your actions.**

Oh, to be able to read minds like you can - to be able to ascertain when someone is “pretending” to uphold Church teachings.

“In all charity,” please don’t project your issues with your sibs onto me.

 

[catharina]

After much reflection and prayer, I have decided to call my brother tonight and offer my apology. Everyone is right…I should have made my position clear before they journeyed to my house.

EXCELLENT plan. Likely LONG overdue.

Hopefully he will understand and accept my apology. In any case, we have decided not to attend the reunion this year. The next one will be on neutral ground, and hopefully by then we will have healed our relationship.

Oh, to be able to read minds like you can - to be able to ascertain when someone is “pretending” to uphold Church teachings.

“In all charity,” please don’t project your issues with your sibs onto me.

**Your posts made your dual motivations clear.

Your house, your rules:
yet practicing Catholic charity would have made you inform your bro in advance.

Clearly you do recognize that now. It is not rocket science. You created an ugly situation for your family. That was your choice.

As for my sibs - we have no issues like yours. Perfect love, peace, mutual respect.
Thanks be to God - and due to HIS grace…

If you didn’t want others’ comments, you shouldn’t have posted here.
(Yes, I’ve known of others who pulled stunts like yours - then acted surprised. Yuck.)**

 

[mommamaree]

After much reflection and prayer, I have decided to call my brother tonight and offer my apology. Everyone is right…I should have made my position clear before they journeyed to my house. Hopefully he will understand and accept my apology. In any case, we have decided not to attend the reunion this year. The next one will be on neutral ground, and hopefully by then we will have healed our relationship.

I have been following your thread with interest, but had nothing to offer by way of advice or encouragement. I am a new Catholic and my family has already been broken apart by divorce and scandal, so I will probably never be in such a difficult position.
That being said, I wanted to wish you well when you call your brother to apologize. I hope he will accept your apology and that this may be the beginning of better relationships between you and he and his bride. I am sorry to hear that you will not be going to this year’s reunion. I know that will be difficult to not be there.
My husband’s family and I have dealt with some difficult moments and hurt feelings, but by the grace of God, we continue to draw closer. I think God is able to use hearts that are willing to see our own error first and ignore the errors of others to build those bridges between people. So I commend you for being willing to ask for forgiveness. There have been several times where I know that I was taking a stand at the right time, but my method was not the best and ruffled the feathers of some very proud, but very dear family members. I thought it was best at those times to overlook the insult that led me to take the stand in the first place, and to instead seek forgiveness for being a bit aggressive or rude in my responses. They could save face, and I definitely needed to practice humility. Anyway, I only share that to demonstrate that I understand how difficult of a position you were put in, and how hard it is to apologize when you tried to do what felt right at the moment, and how hard it is to realize your own culpability in a situation.
May God bless you and your family. I hope peace and harmony will reign.

 

[Thomas63116]

After much reflection and prayer, I have decided to call my brother tonight and offer my apology. Everyone is right…I should have made my position clear before they journeyed to my house. Hopefully he will understand and accept my apology.

I think you’ve made the right decision. I pray all goes well and that your brother can accept your apology and this will help heal your relationship. I would just add that you might want to think about how to convey your apology to your sister-in-law as well.

 

[catharina]

I think you’ve made the right decision. I pray all goes well and that your brother can accept your apology and this will help heal your relationship. I would just add that you might want to think about how to convey your apology to your sister-in-law as well.

I do second all of the gentle replies to you.
Nonetheless, your brother and sister-in-law have gone for three years without an apology.

You did not like my specific criticism? Good.
Plug into those feelings before you offer your apology to your brother and his wife.
Can you imagine how offended and trapped they felt?

You could have avoided ALL of this if you’d “warned” them in advance.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I wanted to wish you well when you call your brother to apologize. I hope he will accept your apology and that this may be the beginning of better relationships between you and he and his bride.

I think you’ve made the right decision. I pray all goes well and that your brother can accept your apology and this will help heal your relationship. I would just add that you might want to think about how to convey your apology to your sister-in-law as well.

Thank you both for your kind thoughts.

Honestly, I am somewhat surprised by the near unanimous criticism I have received. This indicates to me that I was truly wrong and should have behaved differently. With that in mind, allow me to ask another question:

What would you have done in my shoes? You’re standing there looking at your brother and his new wife, and you KNOW you made a mistake. You should have made the situation clearer before they traveled half-way across the country, but you didn’t, and here they are. What would you do? Keep in mind that this new marriage and the fact that it was invalid was the family conversation topic du jour. Also keep in mind that the place was crawling with kids - more than half of whom were old enough to understand the concept of an invalid marriage, and the fact that their uncle and his new wife were in one. Would you simply turn a blind eye? Does sin get a pass just because Aunt Betty screwed up?

EDIT: Allow me to emphasize that “I would have told them beforehand” is no longer an option. You screwed up, and the situation is staring you in the face.

 

[catharina]

Thank you both for your kind thoughts.

Honestly, I am somewhat surprised by the near unanimous criticism I have received. This indicates to me that I was truly wrong and should have behaved differently. With that in mind, allow me to ask another question:

What would you have done in my shoes? You’re standing there looking at your brother and his new wife, and you KNOW you made a mistake. You should have made the situation clearer before they traveled half-way across the country, but you didn’t, and here they are. What would you do? Keep in mind that this new marriage and the fact that it was invalid was the family conversation topic du jour. Also keep in mind that the place was crawling with kids - more than half of whom were old enough to understand the concept of an invalid marriage, and the fact that their uncle and his new wife were in one. Would you simply turn a blind eye? Does sin get a pass just because Aunt Betty screwed up?

Since the marriage was the family topic ‘du jour,’
it’s hard to understand that you stalled until they were in your home.
Again, there was lots of opportunity to avoid this.
You chose to do nothing. Your lack of foresight/action caused great wounds, for sure.

Too late for what would I have done back then.

As for now, my opinion is you owe a written apology to all the family
for the way and the time that you chose to lay down your house-rules.

It’s so very sad.

 

[Magickman]

I can’t get over the arrogant, judgmental, holier than thou nonsense, that sometimes pops up here.

Were I to be treated by relatives, as if my legal marriage did not exist, I would permanently disown said relatives. Never would they be allowed to darken my door.

 

[catharina]

I can’t get over the arrogant, judgmental, holier than thou nonsense, that sometimes pops up here.

Were I to be treated by relatives, as if my legal marriage did not exist, I would permanently disown said relatives. Never would they be allowed to darken my door.

The poster is a Catholic woman from a Catholic upbringing with Catholic siblings.
Catholics do all in their power to protect their children from viewing scandalous actions.

The poster’s only fault was in waiting until family were guests in her home.
She should have informed bro and SIL of her rule BEFORE they travelled to a reunion.