Thank you both for your kind thoughts.
Honestly, I am somewhat surprised by the near unanimous criticism I have received. This indicates to me that I was truly wrong and should have behaved differently. With that in mind, allow me to ask another question:
What would you have done in my shoes? You’re standing there looking at your brother and his new wife, and you KNOW you made a mistake. You should have made the situation clearer before they traveled half-way across the country, but you didn’t, and here they are. What would you do? Keep in mind that this new marriage and the fact that it was invalid was the family conversation topic du jour. Also keep in mind that the place was crawling with kids - more than half of whom were old enough to understand the concept of an invalid marriage, and the fact that their uncle and his new wife were in one. Would you simply turn a blind eye? Does sin get a pass just because Aunt Betty screwed up?
EDIT: Allow me to emphasize that “I would have told them beforehand” is no longer an option. You screwed up, and the situation is staring you in the face.
If you really are asking for my honest opinion, while realizing that I am a new Catholic, then I will just offer an example of my very recent choices regarding a similar situation. Just last year, we invited my SIL and her fiance to live in a vacant home that we were in the process of getting ready for sale, because they could help us keep the property looking presentable and they would get to live rent-free for a few months while they decided where they wanted to live. They had already made the choice to live together (which concerned my husband and I on several levels), and were planning their wedding (a civil union between a lapsed Christian and an atheist). My husband and I, as new Catholics, and I mean brand-spanking-new ones
, have understood that while people in the Catholic church are able to see sin more clearly because of strong catechesis and a deeper faith, others outside the church, even most Protestants, do not have such a clear understanding of sin, nor of the true nature of marriage and sexuality. So many of them make choices that seem like the best or most practical option, whereas a Catholic might easily see a better way that involves no sinning. So Catholics who were raised in the church should consider themselves highly blessed for that.
Also, it didn’t occur to me at the time that I might be participating in their sin, nor contributing to scandal. This was for a couple of reasons. First, I am not her parent, and have never been in a position to guide her. My husband and I are merely her siblings, and we are all young-ish, and starting families around the same time. Second, I see all too clearly some of the very similar mistakes that I have made in my past, along with my husband. I shacked up at college with my husband for a month before we eloped, and then we kept our marriage a secret (our families would have gone ballistic). They were more accepting of us living in sin than either my husband or I were. We knew it was wrong, so we got hitched, but were terrified of telling everyone. And this was in a Christian family!
Anyway, this is why I said I had nothing to offer by way of advice or encouragement. I have committed my fair share of similar sins, then realized they were wrong and tried to make it right. This seems to be what your brother and his wife have done as well. But I know scandal is a huge concern in Catholic circles; I just haven’t given it much weight, both because I am a newbie, and because I feel like who am I to judge? I just try to steer my loved ones (including my SIL and her now-husband) toward making better decisions, especially when I have been burned by some of the very same bad decisions.
So maybe my rather long story might help you to see your brother and new SIL in a more flattering light. And to realize that sometimes people can still end up doing the right and good thing, even if you see they are currently making poor choices. Just pray, pray, pray!
