Thank you all for the advice. It’s all good. I do go to my parents when I can, however, they winter in Florida and lock up the house in the winter. I have stayed at motels to participate in their events. If we can, please share your thoughts / comments on my original post / question ref my family socializing with my ex-wife. We got off track a bit. Also to clear up a few things, to my knowledge the only time my ex’s boyfriend was involved is when they spent a week at my sisters. I don’t think he’s going to my parents with my children.
My main concern was whether or not my thinking was off base that the situation should be different. I understand and support my parents spending time with their grandchildren. What I have trouble with is them including my ex-wife. Anyway, it’s difficult to relate to unless you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes. I’ve learned many lessons going through this divorce and that is one of them.
After knowing your wife for so many years, it may be difficult for them to accept that she’s left the family. They’d never exclude you from their home, of course. After so many years of thinking of your first wife as a member of their family, they may not be able to get their heads around her choice and what it means to her relationship to you–and by extension, to them. They may be trying to treat her as they would treat your sister, if your sister had done some awful thing to you so that you and your sister were not on speaking terms. Like your kids, they probably wish deep down that the nightmare could be over, that their DIL had not betrayed you or your kids or your entire family by her acts, that the divorce never happened, and that the betrayal that lead to the divorce was not a betrayal. They want to pretend that harm was not done, or that equal harm coming from the both sides will feel the same as no harm done at all. They want to live as much as they can according to that pretense. I think that is what is behind your dad’s incredible comment about this matter not being about him. Unbelievable, but still understandable.
The parents of my first fiance were like this. We were very fond of each other, but they did not seem to understand that it was wrong for them to try to have a “separate” relationship with me. I say this even though I broke the engagement off with their son because he had an affair after our engagement. He was still their son! He still needed them to prefer him over me. He deserved that. So while it was right for them to be cordial, it would have been very wrong to include me in their lives in a more substantial way, at least, not more substantial than a friendship between their son and me would warrant.
If you have gotten an annulment, they may rationalize, “Hey, no marriage, no harm, no foul.” Of course that is not true, either. Those attempting a marriage in good faith are bound to continue in good faith until the attempt is declared null. No matter what they saw or thought they saw while living in your home, your wife’s violation has no excuse. As Catholics, they must realize that. They may not want to face it, though. Unfortunately, like your kids, they had front-row seats. They found the stories they needed to tell themselves get themselves through your wife’s affair and your divorce. People cope in a hundred ways through something like that.
In other words, while your family is not being considerate of your feelings and dignity and the reality of your situation, try to be patient with them. I don’t think they’re trying to be cruel. Rather, realize that they are in their own situation, coping with their own complicated feelings about the matter. I don’t think they realize how unrealistic their wish is that things be other than what they are between you and your first wife. You can re-orient them to reality, let them know when they do something that hurts you unnecessarily, but be as gentle as you can.
Good luck.
You and I agree again. Unbelievable.
What’s happened to people?