Fascinating Womanhood/Surrendered Wife/Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

[maria29]

i must say i am surprised that no one ever reads anything by Von Hildebrand any more. I think the problem with some the books that are not written by Catholic authors do not have a true understanding of what a marriage means both in the theological and philosophical sense.

 

[melikechicken]

You are entitled to your opinion. However, the only CAI I could find was Catholic Apologetics International, and the thing going on there was a debate again Scott Hahn’s view of the Holy Spirit.

And it’s my opinion that Fascinating Womanhood is not of a Catholic viewpoint. The woman is LDS, Mormon. No thank you. There are much better books that offer a Catholic perspective.

OK this is not a debate about CAI and Scott Hahn etc. Just out of interest what do you feel about FW that is not of a Catholic viewpoint, other then your objection that she is a Mormon. Ie what exactly isnt in harmony with Catholic principles? I am interested to learn from you.

Thanks.

 

[cheeto1]

I do not believe you can get actual help for your marriage by
reading a book, unless you both sat down and read the book
together and discussed it. Marriage is all about togetherness,
and learning to work for the same goals. You need to find out
just what each other’s goals are as soon as possible. If you
don’t, and you are working for opposite goals, of course there
will be trouble. It’s o.k. if you find out that you don’t have the
same goals, it’s at that point that you can talk about a compromise. Your main goal that you have both agreed on is
to love, honor and cherish each other till death do you part.
Any goal that keeps you from that is to be disposed of
immediately. If you see your partner actively working against
your dearest goals, of course you will be offended. Maybe
your partner doesn’t even know your goals. Maybe you don’t
even know them, but they are there. So think about it,
prioritize, and you have to talk about it together nicely.
You will most likely find that you share the most important
goals, and that is why you got married. Your spouse is a
great treasure from the Lord, so show Him today that you are
thankful for your husband or wife.

 

[cheeto1]

Also, it’s a lot more fun doing the dishes together than asking
someone else to do them or doing them by yourself.

 

[Potato1]

My wife and I read proper care and feeding, we enjoyed it but she pretty much could write the book. We have an interesting situation where I am a stay at home dad and she works. It leads to hillarious conversations where I am feeling like the manly protector take charge kind of guy and at the same time feel underapreciated when I “slave over a hot stove all day” only to have her come home late and not notice the house. Monday night football and laundry folding leads to many philosophical discussions in our house.

 

[maria29]

My wife and I read proper care and feeding, we enjoyed it but she pretty much could write the book. We have an interesting situation where I am a stay at home dad and she works. It leads to hillarious conversations where I am feeling like the manly protector take charge kind of guy and at the same time feel underapreciated when I “slave over a hot stove all day” only to have her come home late and not notice the house. Monday night football and laundry folding leads to many philosophical discussions in our house.

How do you like being a stay at home dad? My husband and i are looking into this…Sorry if this off topic

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

OK this is not a debate about CAI and Scott Hahn etc. Just out of interest what do you feel about FW that is not of a Catholic viewpoint, other then your objection that she is a Mormon. Ie what exactly isnt in harmony with Catholic principles? I am interested to learn from you.

Thanks.

I don’t think you understood my reply re: CAI. I never wanted to debate you on the merits of CAI, or why CAI was on some sort of quest to destroy Scott Hahn’s credibility. I was trying to find the spot where CAI recommends Fascinating Woman, so I could see WHY they recommended it. And all I found on their site was the Scott Hahn thing, nothing else. I was not trying to debate you on anything. I wanted a location on CAI for what you stated. I have a rough time with your grammar and syntax, not that I am always a spelling and typing champ.

As far as the book: I feel Fascinating Woman holds women not to a standard of mutual submission, which IS the Catholic viewpoint of marriage; but makes women into little pretty little girls who manipulate for the sake of a man’s ego, to keep peace in the family. The thing that ticked me off most about the book was the same thing that ticked off Eileen T. A husband might have some of the traits of his wife’s father, but he is not her father, and vice versa.

Personally, my husband thought the book was absolute rubbish, what little he could stomach to read. The thought of having to treat his wife for the rest of her life as she was a 10-year old, by giving her constant permissions for what she should already know to do, gave him angst. He doesn’t like cutesy, and he doesn’t like coy. As a philosopher and ethicist, he found the book dishonest, in that it encourages manipulation of the husband through these various means. He was glad I only checked it out of the library, and didn’t spend money on it.

It is the same problem with Marabel Morgan, and the same problem with Laura Doyle.

 

[Potato1]

How do you like being a stay at home dad? My husband and i are looking into this…Sorry if this off topic

I love it. We are expecting our second now and I couldn’t be more happier. I highly recomend it. In our house it was a fight over who got to stay home. I won. Thank God I never got an employable degree. Best career ever.

 

[3blessings]

I definitely have this problem but I’m not sure how to solve it because I truly believe that I often know better than him in certain situations, especially with regards to parenting. How does one send the message to the husband that he is doing it wrong without usurping his leadership? I haven’t figured it out.

How do you know better?? I thought these things also when I first married, mainly becauseI had been a single parent for 14 years (one child) After I married and had my next child, I thought I knew better and acted that way, caused a lot of problems. Just because they dont do it our way does not mean they dont do it right. Men and women arent the same, thank God, and so they dont do things the same way. Our children need to be cared for by two parents, mom and dad, that is the way God intended it and he is the one that made us so different. SO as hard as it is sometimes to let go and let him, unless it is something that is dangerous, us wives need to chill out and let the husbands do it their way. That is the best way to raise a child! It is also how our children learn the roles of mom and dad and which one to identify with!

 

[3blessings]

As far as how to tell your husband that he isnt doing it right…if you truly believe this , you might try a book on parenting that you read together and agree on the way you will parent your child. We did that and found Dr. Sears book on Attachment Parenting what we both agreed we wanted to do, also many good Catholic books on raising children are out there and you could both look at those and agree on your parenting techniques.

 

[melikechicken]

I don’t think you understood my reply re: CAI. I never wanted to debate you on the merits of CAI, or why CAI was on some sort of quest to destroy Scott Hahn’s credibility. I was trying to find the spot where CAI recommends Fascinating Woman, so I could see WHY they recommended it. And all I found on their site was the Scott Hahn thing, nothing else. I was not trying to debate you on anything. I wanted a location on CAI for what you stated. I have a rough time with your grammar and syntax, not that I am always a spelling and typing champ.

As far as the book: I feel Fascinating Woman holds women not to a standard of mutual submission, which IS the Catholic viewpoint of marriage; but makes women into little pretty little girls who manipulate for the sake of a man’s ego, to keep peace in the family. The thing that ticked me off most about the book was the same thing that ticked off Eileen T. A husband might have some of the traits of his wife’s father, but he is not her father, and vice versa.

Personally, my husband thought the book was absolute rubbish, what little he could stomach to read. The thought of having to treat his wife for the rest of her life as she was a 10-year old, by giving her constant permissions for what she should already know to do, gave him angst. He doesn’t like cutesy, and he doesn’t like coy. As a philosopher and ethicist, he found the book dishonest, in that it encourages manipulation of the husband through these various means. He was glad I only checked it out of the library, and didn’t spend money on it.

It is the same problem with Marabel Morgan, and the same problem with Laura Doyle.

Hi!

Ok you made some good points, however I certainly didnt though read or understand some of things that you claim the book is saying or implying. Also are you saying that the Church teaches mutual submission? If so, I would strongly disagree with you on that one.

God bless.

 

[Al_Masetti]

Also read: “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

She is also adamantly pro-life.

If you listen to her radio program, listen carefully to the vocal tones of the callers … see if you would want to be married to some of the callers. Ask yourself, what’s wrong with this picture.

 

[Eliza10]

I read Fascinating Womanhood and was fascinated by it, briefly, while I was married. It was one of the huge library of books I read to seeking to improve or save my marriage. That book was good, because your husband didn’t have to do anything, you just learned wiles and ways and little tricks to make him want to be how you want him to be.

Opposite you, I was cooperative and willing to please and bend, and he was rigid and demanding. That book preached what my churches and radio shows and woman’s retreats taught - that we would please God to submit to our husbands in all things. Later I realized that it was the strong women with weak, bendy husbands who were teaching those workshops and preaching those exhorting sermons to the rest of us.

I do think if you have a strong leader-personality and your husband is more submissive, then any effort you make in the direction of being more submisive will help balance things out to normal a lot! But I was already cooperative and patient and my being more so, or as much as possible so, wasn’t, as they promised, “melting his heart”, making him want to do God’s will. It was making him worse.

So in that context, where I was desparate, the FW seemed to offer a new approach to achieve the desired and elusive end.

The book seemed at first like the best plan I’d come across to arrive at happiness, even while adhering to the rigid Bible code (at it seemed so clearly taught) for wives. I envisioned myself to be an able actress, but, somehow, I could never actually bring myself to stomp my feet and shake my curls, and reep the marvelous promised rewards. Something in me (dignity?) always held me back.

Also, its bascially dishonest to put on these little acts to get your way. I never was one to present myself disingeniously, and, even though it seemed this was a good cause, I couldn’t bring myself to it.

And so thats the conclusion of the book - she wants you to act in a way that is not genuine. A dishonest way.

There is good stuff in there. So I know why you are fascinated. I love how she explains you can’t force your husband to church, because a man values his religious freedom, and she tells a story about elders secretly invited by a wife to show up at dinner, and after dinner they took out thier flannel boards and the husband excused himself to go to dinner and escaped out the bathroom window. LOL. Good stories. She is a good writer. She has great literature examples, and good things to say. But many of her basic conlusions are wrong. As is her overall plan (the point of the book) for how to manipulate your husband to do what you want.

But you only need a book like that as an antedote to a lie. Its like another lie to fix the first lie. Which is the wife is to obey the husband in all things. Learn instead what our Church teaches. Its love and submission to each other. The husband has a place as head of the household, head of the wife. Jesus shows what a leader is; its not a leader as in the world. And in no circumstances does the wife demean herself daily just to make herself heard.

 

[ktp]

I think Surrendered Wife and Proper Care of Feeding and Husbands (haven’t read Fascinating Womanhood) have a lot of good advice.

My only reservation about them is that they are somewhat presented as: IF you do this, THEN this will happen.

Not so. You simply don’t have THAT much control over another person.

I feel I’ve spent most of my married life doing and trying to do what’s in the books, and in return got a husband who has thought it was okay to say mean, hurtful, hateful things both to me, and to others about me, when he’s angry. (And a few other things that shouldn’t have been happening.) I guess he thought it didn’t matter too much since I looked hurt and then kept trying to do my part, anyway? It didn’t stop by following the advice in the books. I’m sorry to say that it stopped when I finally blew a gasket and told him we were heading towards divorce, and got good and angry, which is decidedly NOT in those books.

Again, I think the advice is very good. I just don’t think it’s always the cure-all it is sort of presented as.

 

[dwc]

I am an aggressive, assertive, sharp-minded woman

That’s me, too. I married an aggressive, assertive, sharp-minded man. Neither one of us is ever going to turn submissive. At our wedding homily our priest (who knew us well) commented that when two such high powered people marry there are bound to be very high powered conflicts.

That was the truth, at least during the first year of marriage. Then we sort of figured out how to make things work for us, and I think that’s the secret – what works for the individual couple. For us it’s the unspoken agreement that whenever we disagree about an issue, the one it’s most important to wins. If he seems more invested in a certain outcome than I am, I give in. He does the same. I don’t keep count of who has given in how many times, but my sense is it’s about even.

What we learned that first year is that both of us have the ability to be fierce, competitive fighters. We could either save the intense battles for the rare and truly crucial issues or just engage in them indiscriminately and destroy our marriage. We learned to have a healthy respect for each other and ourselves and decided to preserve the marriage.

manualman, hang in there. The first year of marriage was the least rewarding, at least for me. But working through it has led to 19 additional years (so far) of happiness.

 

[Al_Masetti]

Someone referred to most marriages as “sibling rivalries”.

Aren’t those fun? :nope: