Father-In-Law's "Girlfriend"

[Kelfa28]

Without going into a huge, book long post about the situation at hand…

Has anyone had a secular family member, a parent, divorced and currently in a very toxic relationship?

Has this family member’s significant other expected to be family and be called a grandmother to your children…when they are clearly not?

The basic facts of my situation is the fact that this relationship is very unhealthy and toxic. This “girlfriend” is rude and obnoxious to me. Yet, when it comes to my daughter she has invited herself along to my daughter’s birth and baptism (without my permission and just showed up), the housewarming party we had (where she was rude and wasn’t invited but showed up) and tried to go to my daughter’s first Christmas and her first birthday by insisting she was family and had a right to go. She did not go but sent presents which my FIL brought with him.

My husband doesn’t really know how to handle this without hurting his father. He works with his father and doesn’t want to jeopardize his job or make it uncomfortable to work with. But he does agree with me.

How did any of you handle a similar situation with family? How would you handle a situation like this?

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Just so we’re clear: you agree that, normally, it would be expected for a FIL’s girlfriend to accompany him to family events, like Christmas, his grandchild’s baptism, etc.? Like, it would be rather unusual for someone in that position to not attend, right?

So I’m going to assume that the only reason she is not invited to such events is due to her rude attitude. Yes? Well, hard to know without more specific examples. We don’t have any examples of the “toxic” nature of the relationship.

Is it possible that FIL’s girlfriend is not purposefully attending these events in an “uninvited” fashion, but rather, is mistakenly assuming she is invited? If so, just making it explicit that she is not invited unless she receives an invitation might help. Though, I don’t know how to make that clear without sounding offensive.

We do have 1 example of her rude attitude, though it would be nice to know more. Certainly, it is unreasonable to take on the title “grandmother” without either the parent’s direct permission or marrying the FIL. Does FIL encourage her to call herself “grandmother” to your child? Is he aware of your objections to her use of the title? If he is not aware, please tell him so he can support you in this, if he so chooses (hopefully he does).

I would recommend sitting FIL’s girlfriend down, with your husband present, and setting clear boundaries. Is it possible to have such a sit-down conversation?

 

[Suslar]

Sadly, there is nothing you or your spouse can do - nor is it your place to determine if the relationship is “toxic.” The assumption is that your FIL is a grown man and able to make his own choices.

I agree with the previous posted - this woman may not understand that she isn’t invited since she’s attended the functions with her boyfriend. And, in Christian charity, to see it from her perspective, she may be desperately wanting to be included and trying to hard to make you like her that it seems rude or odd to you.

It does seem strange to have the children call someone “grandma” who clearly isn’t. But to avoid any more drama between the ladies, I’d suggest your hubby step up on this and let his father and the woman know that unless they are married, she does not have the title "“grandma.” If after such a talk the woman insists the kids call her that, then yes, create additional boundaries. But pray it doesn’t have to get that far and that she will understand how you and your husband feel after he talks with them.

 

[seagal]

When anyone is being rude to you the only charitable thing to do is to ignore the rudeness and pray for them. If your husband is worried about his father in this relationship it’s his duty to have a talk with him, keeping in mind that his father is an adult and completely capable of making his own relationship choices. Your job is to welcome her as part of his life.

In the examples you gave I’m assuming she actually came with your FIL to the events and didn’t just turn up by herself. If that’s the case, in my opinion it’s you who is being rude. If a family member is in an established relationship (whether or not you approve of the relationship) it’s assumed they are a couple and should be invited to family events as a couple. The examples in your post don’t seem particularly rude to me, unless there’s something you didn’t mention.

 

[Kelfa28]

Just so we’re clear: you agree that, normally, it would be expected for a FIL’s girlfriend to accompany him to family events, like Christmas, his grandchild’s baptism, etc.? Like, it would be rather unusual for someone in that position to not attend, right?

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this. I put the word “girlfriend” in quotations because, to be totally honest, I’m not sure what her relationship to my FIL is.
They have had a 15 plus year on and off relationship that has seriously alienated most of his direct family (brothers, sisters, cousins) because of her history and behavior. She is rude and hostile towards most people. She has a litany of issues that include animal hoarding and six children with four different men (none of which are in any of the children’s lives). Her children, while older now, have all run wild and caused all kinds of issues. Her house has been condemned twice and her kids have been taken away twice. She has four grandchildren of her own.

I’m not entirely sure how my husband or I would feel about a girlfriend or boyfriend of my in laws coming for family occasions to be honest. They both have several marriages and divorces under their belt and I don’t want my children to be confused about what marriage is.

Personally, I’ve never run into this issue. I come from a very small family of which no one was ever divorced and remarried. I had an Uncle who was never married but had a long term girlfriend and, yes, she was invited over to family occasions. However, she was never referred to as an “aunt” of ours…because she wasn’t.

I’m going to assume that the only reason she is not invited to such events is due to her rude attitude. Yes? Well, hard to know without more specific examples. We don’t have any examples of the “toxic” nature of the relationship.

Well, at our housewarming party…she went and picked up my one month old daughter…without my permission and when I wasn’t in the room and was carrying her around. She got into a bickering match with my FIL in front of our guests and the kids that resulted in my FIL and her exchanging some choice and very inappropriate words. She was very rude to me about my choices of parenting (cloth diapering, being a stay at home mom, pumping my milk instead of just giving her formula). Plus, my husband has a long list of exchanges and situations he’s seen and been involved in over the years, before he met me…that told me everything I needed to know about what kind of a person she is.

Is it possible that FIL’s girlfriend is not purposefully attending these events in an “uninvited” fashion, but rather, is mistakenly assuming she is invited? If so, just making it explicit that she is not invited unless she receives an invitation might help. Though, I don’t know how to make that clear without sounding offensive.

That is one of the problems. My FIL talks about his granddaughter all the time to her. He adores her. So, naturally, if there is an event coming up…he’ll talk about it. The birth, baptism, Christmas, her birthday…and so on…and, as far as I know, she asks him if she is coming too.
We sent out invitations to these events…except the birth (but that was ridiculous that she would assume she could go to the hospital since she had NEVER met me prior and we didn’t call or send her a text announcing our daughter’s birth…so I was caught off-guard by that).
If she didn’t get an explicit invite (she and my FIL don’t live together) and we didn’t tell my FIL she could be invited…why would she assume she could go?

We do have 1 example of her rude attitude, though it would be nice to know more. Certainly, it is unreasonable to take on the title “grandmother” without either the parent’s direct permission or marrying the FIL. Does FIL encourage her to call herself “grandmother” to your child? Is he aware of your objections to her use of the title? If he is not aware, please tell him so he can support you in this, if he so chooses (hopefully he does).

No he doesn’t. He told her that my daughter’s first birthday was for family only. Her response? “I am family!”
I don’t know what he said in reply…but he knows we don’t consider her family and she is not a grandmother to our daughter. But, it’s clear he hasn’t done anything to stop this behavior.

I would recommend sitting FIL’s girlfriend down, with your husband present, and setting clear boundaries. Is it possible to have such a sit-down conversation?

I do and I don’t want to do this. The truth is…I don’t like her and I don’t like how she has tried to wiggle her way into our lives…when we don’t even know what her relationship to my FIL is…or what she considers her relationship with him to be.

She has a history of hostility…and an arrest record to prove it…that I would rather not be apart of.

 

[Kelfa28]

When anyone is being rude to you the only charitable thing to do is to ignore the rudeness and pray for them. If your husband is worried about his father in this relationship it’s his duty to have a talk with him, keeping in mind that his father is an adult and completely capable of making his own relationship choices. Your job is to welcome her as part of his life.

In the examples you gave I’m assuming she actually came with your FIL to the events and didn’t just turn up by herself. If that’s the case, in my opinion it’s you who is being rude. If a family member is in an established relationship (whether or not you approve of the relationship) it’s assumed they are a couple and should be invited to family events as a couple. The examples in your post don’t seem particularly rude to me, unless there’s something you didn’t mention.

I didn’t mention the fact that my FIL regards her as a friend…not a girlfriend…at least, not now he doesn’t.

I don’t think I’m being rude in the least bit. I had never met her before my daughter was born. Despite numerous holiday occasions where my FIL would be at my parents house for Christmas or if we took my FIL out for his birthday…she would never come. To this day…we had a birthday dinner for my FIL a few weeks ago. He was there…she wasn’t. There was zero indication that he would bring her to the dinner.

It wasn’t until my daughter was born…did she decide that she was going to show up to all of these events.

The first time I met her was about 10 hours after I had given birth to my daughter. I’m sorry…but that is just strange and it really, really bothered me that I had no advanced warning that she was going to go. Especially since we didn’t notify her with a text or call and since she had never come to any other event we had my FIL at for the five years previous.

 

[Kelfa28]

I guess this is something I need to make very clear.

She has never come to our house for any other occasion…including FIL’s birthdays…except when my daughter was born.

I had heard about her throughout our relationship…mostly my FIL complaining about her…but never met her. I never thought I would meet her until my daughter was born.

Now…she suddenly thinks she is family and my daughter’s grandmother.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

It sounds like your husband should still sit down with his dad and lay out the ground rules. This woman definately needs prayers and probably medical help, but that doesn’t mean she also needs to be part of your young daughter’s life.

I really think you have to do that first, because the next step of not allowing her in the house, will probably entail turning grandpa away too (if they drive over together). If you and dh aren’t willing to actually turn her away, than you’ll have to be very vigilante when she is around.

It may be easier to limit larger family events and have your fil over only when it is clear the she isn’t invited and won’t spontanteously show up.

You and dh also need to realize that his dad is a grown man and has stayed friends with this woman for 15 years despite whatever upheavel his family feels. There is obviously some sort of attraction there. In completely cutting her off, you may also be cutting off grandpa. While that is his decision to make, it is a consequence you should be aware of.

 

[PatriceA]

I guess this is something I need to make very clear.

She has never come to our house for any other occasion…including FIL’s birthdays…except when my daughter was born.

I had heard about her throughout our relationship…mostly my FIL complaining about her…but never met her. I never thought I would meet her until my daughter was born.

Now…she suddenly thinks she is family and my daughter’s grandmother.

That would make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. And I probably wouldn’t leave my daughter alone with this woman. This is a huge, huge red flag for me.

I think it would be best to have a talk with FIL and say you are also going to have a talk with this “friend” to establish boundaries. This woman has crossed quite a few that would make me question her motives, especially when it comes to my children. If its “rude” to not have this woman around my children, then I guess people will just have to call me “rude”.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

First thing I would do is stop allowing her to get the info about the events. If she is just a friend as you your fil claims, then he should have very little trouble keeping mum about these particular social plans. If this is showing up somewhere else, like on facebook, then you can easily stop being so public about it, or ask the immediate family. Based on what you’ve said fil has said about her, he shouldn’t be too offended if you (your husband, really) explained that you didn’t like that she was showing up univited, and that you’d like him not to mention these events to her. Your fil may have power over your dh’s job. But you are the ones that control his access to his granddaughter. He needs to have a respect for your wishes as parents and understand that his good relationship with you and his grandchildren depends on him respecting your wishes.

Oh, and if I had to I would tell him - his invitation to your events is dependent on him agreeing not to bring her along or “invite” her.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Just a little aside…aside from the other rude behavior, I wouldn’t consider it very strange for a guest at my party to pick up my baby if my baby was down somewhere. For that reason, I don’t put down my very young babies at parties like that. At my babies’ baptisms, I pretty much carry the baby the whole time, unless someone specifically asks. And even then, if I didn’t want the person to hold the baby, I’d come up with an easy excuse like, “I think she wants to nurse” or “she is just falling asleep and I don’t want to disturb her” or “I’m sorry, with her being so little still, I’m trying to minimize her contact with germs by not having other people hold her today.” Actually, I’ve been known to wear the baby strapped into a baby carrier at the baptism, purely for the reason of keeping other people from grabbing at them. It works pretty well.

 

[Chantal25]

It sounds like your husband should still sit down with his dad and lay out the ground rules. This woman definately needs prayers and probably medical help, but that doesn’t mean she also needs to be part of your young daughter’s life.

I really think you have to do that first, because the next step of not allowing her in the house, will probably entail turning grandpa away too (if they drive over together). If you and dh aren’t willing to actually turn her away, than you’ll have to be very vigilante when she is around.

It may be easier to limit larger family events and have your fil over only when it is clear the she isn’t invited and won’t spontanteously show up.

You and dh also need to realize that his dad is a grown man and has stayed friends with this woman for 15 years despite whatever upheavel his family feels. There is obviously some sort of attraction there. In completely cutting her off, you may also be cutting off grandpa. While that is his decision to make, it is a consequence you should be aware of.

I resonate with this reply. Your husband will have to find courage to talk to his father about this if you both agree that she shouldn’t come unless she is invited.

His father isn’t married to her so it will be easier that he comes alone but it could lead to problem if he loves her. He may want her to be part of his family event. This will need to be discuss with his son.

All the best with this!

 

[Kelfa28]

Thank-you for all the responses.

I think the big problem I’m having now is no one wants to address the issue. Neither my husband nor his father want to talk about it because it really is a source of discomfort. My FIL seems to be easily manipulated by her…and lonely. Which is why, I believe, he keeps her in his life…despite insisting she isn’t his girlfriend.

I do believe my FIL understands where I am coming from. He has issues too but he cares about me and his granddaughter, whom he absolutely adores. However, I just don’t get what he sees in this woman at all. He complains about her calling him to help out around her house…he feels it’s his duty and obligation to spend time with some of the kids and the grandkids (he takes one of the grandkids to his soccer games when the father won’t)…but they aren’t his kids and he complains about them to my husband and I frequently.

I’d rather not get involved only because I have a tendency to be uncharitable and quite blunt about things I’m unhappy about. It’s a character flaw I’m only just starting to work on improving. But if it comes down to it…mama bear will be out in full glory.

We’re expecting child number two and I’m adamant that this will NOT happen again.

 

[Kelfa28]

Just a little aside…aside from the other rude behavior, I wouldn’t consider it very strange for a guest at my party to pick up my baby if my baby was down somewhere. For that reason, I don’t put down my very young babies at parties like that. At my babies’ baptisms, I pretty much carry the baby the whole time, unless someone specifically asks. And even then, if I didn’t want the person to hold the baby, I’d come up with an easy excuse like, “I think she wants to nurse” or “she is just falling asleep and I don’t want to disturb her” or “I’m sorry, with her being so little still, I’m trying to minimize her contact with germs by not having other people hold her today.” Actually, I’ve been known to wear the baby strapped into a baby carrier at the baptism, purely for the reason of keeping other people from grabbing at them. It works pretty well.

I totally agree and I think this will be my approach for baby number two. I want to get a moby wrap anyway to help out with nursing and such.

What had happened at the housewarming party was my daughter was enjoying her swing, which was in the living room, and where most of the people were socializing. I was in the kitchen getting things together.

This woman actually picked my daughter out of the swing to hold her.
I saw this happen and was so angry I couldn’t compose myself. I turned to my husband and told him to go get our daughter. I knew I would have caused a scene if I had gone in to get my daughter.

From now on…baby will stay with me during baptisms or other events when they are still very little.

 

[Kelfa28]

First thing I would do is stop allowing her to get the info about the events. If she is just a friend as you your fil claims, then he should have very little trouble keeping mum about these particular social plans. If this is showing up somewhere else, like on facebook, then you can easily stop being so public about it, or ask the immediate family. Based on what you’ve said fil has said about her, he shouldn’t be too offended if you (your husband, really) explained that you didn’t like that she was showing up univited, and that you’d like him not to mention these events to her. Your fil may have power over your dh’s job. But you are the ones that control his access to his granddaughter. He needs to have a respect for your wishes as parents and understand that his good relationship with you and his grandchildren depends on him respecting your wishes.

Oh, and if I had to I would tell him - his invitation to your events is dependent on him agreeing not to bring her along or “invite” her.

It’s tough to get the info about our parties other then total word of mouth. Neither my husband nor I have Facebook and invites have been either formal invitations or specific phone calls to specific people about the party.

My FIL just tells her these things and then would bring her to the event or she would just show up.
He brought her to the hospital after the birth. My husband later said that was not appropriate and he did not intend to bring her to the baptism. He still opened his mouth to her and she just showed up at the Church for the baptism.

He seems to get it more now…seeing that he told her that my daughter’s first birthday was for family only…but her response begs to differ.

I need to stop worrying about this so much. It angers me and I’ve been trying very hard to devote time to my prayers to help take away these feelings of anger.

 

[Xantippe]

“Just a little aside…aside from the other rude behavior, I wouldn’t consider it very strange for a guest at my party to pick up my baby if my baby was down somewhere.”

I would. It’s not OK to pick up or touch babies (especially little babies) without checking in with their parents, first.

 

[PatriceA]

“Just a little aside…aside from the other rude behavior, I wouldn’t consider it very strange for a guest at my party to pick up my baby if my baby was down somewhere.”

I would. It’s not OK to pick up or touch babies (especially little babies) without checking in with their parents, first.

I think it really depends on the relationship between the person picking up the baby and the mother of the baby. I wouldn’t have any problem with my mom picking up my daughter but say an aunt I only saw two times a year or something, then I’d be upset.

This woman though thinks she’s entitled to a familiarity with the child that has not been earned. From what the OP has described, its bordering on an unhealthy obsession.

 

[Chantal25]

Maybe at this point, your only option beside prayer, is to talk with your priest. Seriously. You said it isn’t possible to discuss with your father in law and clearly this is creating you a lot of anxiety. You are pregnant and you should be able to feel joy versus being so worry.

Jesus speaks through his priest, i think you could get a good advice there.

 

[jesuspsr]

I wouldnt take her behavior, for that matter either would my brothers and sisters. thiers certian boundries that just shoulnt be cross.

I’ll be praying for you and your family as well as your father in laws girl friend.

God bless

jesus g

 

[Anglewannabe]

We sent out invitations to these events…except the birth (but that was ridiculous that she would assume she could go to the hospital since she had NEVER met me prior and we didn’t call or send her a text announcing our daughter’s birth…so I was caught off-guard by that).
.

That is just creepy. I wouldn’t have been caught off guard, I would have been mortified.

I understand DH needs his job and needs to tread carefuIly. I would try to not invite FIL over anymore and keep all contact between DD and FIL at FIL’s place. It is no guarantee this woman will not show up. However, as your kids get older at least they will know this woman’s behaviour is not welcome in your home. Hopefully that way they will know it is wrong

Angie