Father inprisoned for pornography possession

[Mijoy2]

I go against the grain here. I see no reason your father cannot see his granddaughters under EXTREMELY controlled supervision. i.e. You are present each and every moment.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

There are some mighty condemning responses here! Or are you saying forgiveness is only relevant in certain situations.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean acceptance. You can forgive someone for a crime, but there’s no reason you should ever consider putting yourself or your children in a position to be victimized by that person.

If however it was a question of being led onto dubious sites which contained said images, but that it was not his sexual preference then that’s a different kettle of fish. Just a sample of the complexity of this issue.

Certainly not a blanket ban on your father without knowing all the details…

Despite a lot of pedophiles’ claims to the contrary, kiddie porn doesn’t mysteriously and automatically save itself on someone’s computer (and, for the record, we both seem to be assuming that the images in his possession were on his computer and not physical photographs). A friend of mine does computer repair and was asked by a female friend to check out their family computer because it was running slow and she couldn’t save any files. Right away, he found a hidden folder with something like 100 Gb of gay porn. When asked about it, her husband used that same argument: that he must have stumbled across some website accidentally and it created that hidden folder and saved those 30,000 images, not him. Common excuse, but it doesn’t really happen. She needs to protect her family.

To the OP, in regards to telling the extended family, how would you feel if you didn’t tell them and he victimized one of your cousins’ children?

 

[triumphguy]

There are some mighty condemning responses here! Or are you saying forgiveness is only relevant in certain situations.

Naturally proceed with caution, but I would at least hear your father out on the matters. Who knows the story? If he was looking at genuinely hardcore filth and fully admitted he had a problem, then it would be natural to be wary and it would be the right course of action.

If however it was a question of being led onto dubious sites which contained said images, but that it was not his sexual preference then that’s a different kettle of fish. Just a sample of the complexity of this issue.

Certainly not a blanket ban on your father without knowing all the details…

Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to allow your own kids to be potential victims.

As a Chaplain I ran an intense program for sex offenders. I was told time and time again by the inmates themselves that they had abused tens or even hundreds of kids before they were incarcerated. You don’t get sent to jail because you *stumbled *across a porn site. To go to jail for child porn you probably have thousands of images of the most sickening kind involving children on your hard drive or on hard disks. You probably also have a track record of sharing receiving and distributing those images. And the images will not be of girls who look old enough to be adult woman, but of children who look like children.

Sex offenders lie. They lie and offend and lie again. They lie to themselves and their families. 99% of the time they will not get caught. They have typically been abused as children. You cannot change their history, you can only avoid the same thing happening to more kids.

Forgive but never forget.

Respect the person, but protect your children.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

The other aspect is that I may have to cut ties with my father’s entire family as a result of this. My father lives in the same area with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. If I have to keep my children away from him, they will likely grow up not knowing any of those other relatives. And a very big question, what obligation do I have to my cousins and their children to share the information that I have that they likelyhave not accessed themselves?

You don’t have to keep your children away from him. What will end up happening is that he won’t be permitted to be left alone with any children under a certain age (it’s up to the courts to decide) or anywhere one might be. With regards to your family and your daughters, if you leave them with your in-laws, in order for him to be around your daughters, anyone they are with will have to know about his charges, and he won’t be permitted to be left alone with them.

Your father has pretty much been charged with one of the worst crimes there is for an offender. The other people in jail will hate your father if they know of his charges. The correctional officers will hate him because of his charges. The police will hate him. I work in probation and my supervisor has told me that she has never had a sex offender not follow their probation order (I live in Canada, so most sex offenders get probation) because they are too scared to mess up.

You’re father needs a lot of psychological and psychiatric treatment right now. He also needs a good support system who will help, encourage and motivate him to be diligent with his treatment and to remain positive that there is hope for him. I don’t recommend shunning him, but I do recommend not being irresponsible with your children around him.

 

[mandajane]

As a survivor of two years in the ‘care’ of a pedophile, I’m going to go ahead and say my piece.

1. I would not let him near my daughters as long as they were in my care. I would inform him that I am aware of why he is in prison, and that I will not be allowing him around my children. I would tell him that I love him, and pray for him, but as a mother my primary responsibility is for the safety of my children.
2. I would tell anyone I knew who might bring their children around him. This includes your cousins and other relatives. I would sit down with them and a print out of the public record, and say - “I love my father, but, he plead guilty to possession of child pornography. Therefore, I have decided that he will not be permitted to see my children.” I would inform other relatives of your choice, and that this doesn’t mean that they will not be permitted to see your kids.

If your father objects, I would tell him that it is the condition for continued contact with you. If your girls ask you about their grandfather, until they are teenagers, just tell them that their grandfather loves them but cannot see them. Around the age of 15 or 16, I would tell them the truth, and tell them that if they choose to meet him after they turn 18, that’s fine.

A lot of people blow off possession of child pornography as ‘not a big deal’. In truth, it is a gateway. You go from looking at images of underage girls, to imagining the underage girls in your life participating in those activities, to acting like it. It’s a slippery slope. Forgiving my rapist for what he did, and my mother for not realizing it was happening, was the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, and it took me a decade. I still bear the physical and psychological scars, and I will carry them for the rest of my life. It will be twenty years, this summer, since the nightmare ended, and I still wake up screaming. My past abuse changed my life, in a terrible way. I’m not telling you this out of a desire for pity, but so that you understand what you are risking for your daughters if you allow him to see them. All it takes is once.

 

[Catherine_S]

As a survivor of two years in the ‘care’ of a pedophile, I’m going to go ahead and say my piece.

1. I would not let him near my daughters as long as they were in my care. I would inform him that I am aware of why he is in prison, and that I will not be allowing him around my children. I would tell him that I love him, and pray for him, but as a mother my primary responsibility is for the safety of my children.
2. I would tell anyone I knew who might bring their children around him. This includes your cousins and other relatives. I would sit down with them and a print out of the public record, and say - “I love my father, but, he plead guilty to possession of child pornography. Therefore, I have decided that he will not be permitted to see my children.” I would inform other relatives of your choice, and that this doesn’t mean that they will not be permitted to see your kids.

If your father objects, I would tell him that it is the condition for continued contact with you. If your girls ask you about their grandfather, until they are teenagers, just tell them that their grandfather loves them but cannot see them. Around the age of 15 or 16, I would tell them the truth, and tell them that if they choose to meet him after they turn 18, that’s fine.

A lot of people blow off possession of child pornography as ‘not a big deal’. In truth, it is a gateway. You go from looking at images of underage girls, to imagining the underage girls in your life participating in those activities, to acting like it. It’s a slippery slope. Forgiving my rapist for what he did, and my mother for not realizing it was happening, was the HARDEST thing I have ever done in my life, and it took me a decade. I still bear the physical and psychological scars, and I will carry them for the rest of my life. It will be twenty years, this summer, since the nightmare ended, and I still wake up screaming. My past abuse changed my life, in a terrible way. I’m not telling you this out of a desire for pity, but so that you understand what you are risking for your daughters if you allow him to see them. All it takes is once.

God Bless You Mandajane :hug1:.
Thank you for sharing with us.
.
Although there is a fair bit of fluff on this thread, most people do not blow off prossesion of child pornography anymore (lady on the plane) and many of the professionals aware of what is going on in terms of these terrible crimes against children are beginning to take a* much** harsher stand…*
.
Utah Professor Charged With Watching Child Porn On Flight To Boston
http://boston.cbslocal.com/2011/11/28/utah-man-charged-with-watching-child-porn-on-flight-to-boston/
State police spokesman David Procopio issued this blistering statement about the arrest…

In the view of the State Police, child pornography is a form of child sexual abuse–nothing less. Those who possess it — a crime unto itself — foster an evil network that sexually abuses and exploits children irreparably.
Stopping child pornographers is a* critical** part of our mission to** protect children**. Along with our federal and local partners, we execute dozens of warrants related to this wicked crime each year. One hopes there is a special place in Hell for the** evil people who make, trade, and possess child pornography. Until they get there, we are committed to putting** them in jail.*
.
Hell is where these people will go if they* do not*** at some point Repent from the deepest part of their being and ask** God** to** forgive** them.
For it is only God’s forgiveness that can** free** them and **keep **them **out **of hell not ours.

 

[mandajane]

I admit my view of people ‘blowing it off’ may be colored by my experiences. Since I am a very vocal activist on this subject, and serve as an advocate for other survivors, I often find myself dealing with people who think it’s no big deal, and that I, and other activists, are overreacting to those who merely possess it.

 

[Castello]

Please, go speak to your priest about this - also talk to the Director of Religious Education at your parish and ask if you can sit in on the Virtus “Protecting God’s Children” training sessions that they do.

Prayers for your family.

 

[Allegra]

You cannot allow your father access to your cchildren and you have a responsibility to let your other relatives and family friends know. Perhaps when your daughters are grown, they may want to have a relationship with him, but until then, you first responsibility is to protect them.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

Hello all,

Thank you very much for your replies so far. I appreciate the range of opinions and it has been helpful for me in my continuing process of discerning what to do in this situation.

I want to explain that I have zero contact with my cousins. I see them only when I go to visit my father, which is unlikely to happen again anytime soon. I don’t ever talk with them outside of those family gatherings.They all know my father is in jail, and I have absolutely no idea what else they may or may not know. They all live at least halfway across the country from me. I do not even have addresses or phone numbers for them. I could probably obtain information for most of them, and I’m willing to inform them, no matter how awkward and strange such an interaction would be.

I know for certain that I have relatives who would not be able to respect my decision to keep my children away from my father. If I went to visit without telling him, there are some that would probably inform and invite him. My grandmother, his mother, definitely would, and my strongest links to that part of my family are my father and grandmother. There have always been some worrisome family dynamics present, and with this latest revelation about my father, I’m concerned about having my children around any of them.

mandajane, thank you very much for your response. I want to assure you that I take his crimes very, very seriously. I am not open to the possibility of leaving my children in his “care.” Honestly, I wouldn’t have been doing that even if all this hadn’t happened because of previous history.

 

[raaucoin]

I go against the grain here. I see no reason your father cannot see his granddaughters under EXTREMELY controlled supervision. i.e. You are present each and every moment.

It takes less than a few seconds to touch a child inappropriately. So little Sussie runs to grandpaw and sits in his lap. Mommy walks up and takes her away and Susie wants to know why she can’t sit with grandpaw or go to the store with him or to the park. would you really want to be in the situation of having to explain to Susie why she can sit with Uncle Louie but not grand-paw before she is at an age to understand?

The man is convicted of sexually objectifying children, would you really want someone sitting across the table from your kid knowing it’s highly possible he’s imagining your child in the scenarios he had on his computer? Not me.

Elizabeth, I pray for you, your family and your Father. I hope you can have some sort of relationship with him. But as you know- your first priority is to protect your children. I know it’s tough. I rebuilt a relationship with the man who sexually abused me. But I would not encourage a relationship between he and any other child.

 

[kbachler]

Given some of the strict laws about sex offenders having to register, having to distance themselves from schools, playgrounds, etc., I think a fundamental question (not knowing the exact situation) is whether he can legally have any contact with your children. Others are correct. You need to speak with a professional.

 

[coco2]

How very sad. I am so sorry that you are going through this. People who are addicted to child porn, rarely can be rehabilitated. If you decide to allow your father access to your children, NEVER let them be in the same room alone with him. Always be present. If you can’t be present, don’t let them visit him. This is for their safety. God bless you, as you carry this cross.