I must admit that the movie The Passion of the Christ was a movie that lent me great strength. Just two months after the death of my son, i attended this movie. I had planned to see it with my son Will, but went based on his desires to re-live Christs last moments. He felt we should all see this, no matter the violence…simply to learn what our eyes do not want to see, but our hearts truly need to. He was a very wise young man, and i struggle still at what God wants to teach me, and the purpose of my son leaving me. Most of all, i ponder, if my purpose was to be a mother, why must it hurt so deeply living without him. Everyone was saddened and hurt by his loss, yet i excepted gods will undoubtedly. It is I who struggle with his loss, his smile, his inspiration…i am so lonely for it!
The main thing i walked away with while watching this movie was the pain endured with a combination of exceptance of Gods will. My son was terrminally ill, yet died from Strep Throat…i watched him suffer and ask for God for help to endure. I saw his pain, and i was helpless…i could only be there for him.
Then there was the silence, pain, and heartache in Our Mother Mary’s eyes watching her own son helplessly!!! I was besides my self with a new knowledge of her role in his life. Yet, we were not anywhere near being on the same scale…i identified with the grief and her role as a mother. Mostly the pain of watching someone suffer.
I know he is in a rightful place, a good place, he is safe, and finally has the unconditional love of a father he craved so dearly and honourably. Now, what do i do without him? This movie has made me feel safer in the transition of passing him over to a caregiver who excells at everything. It also reinforced the nescesity of never putting my path at harms way, lest we never see each other ever again.
…Someday i will hold him again. I pray…
CM