Fear of Confession & Spiritual Director

[PelagiathePenit]

I have been suggested to get one both in person and online. I also need counselling. Here are my reasons & fears. Please feel free to rebute them. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to. Ultimately it is my choice, but I AM VERY SCARED.

1. Some sins are too embarrassing to HONESTLY confess. I’m having trouble stopping them. NOT SEXUAL SINS. Actually I do not think sexual sins are at all embarrassing.
2. I hate needing help. It suggests I cannot take care of myself - that angers me. I always wanted to be an independent person.
3. Responsibility. I know better, so I will be held responsible.
4. CHANGE IS DIFFICULT. Where do I begin?
5. Why me? Why now?

 

[bardegaulois]

Pelagia, moral sickness is in many ways like physical sickness, and we can’t really deal with it until its causes are understood. This is why a penitent must start with an open statements of affirmation of his faults.

Some, however, can develop a fear, not based on any good reason, that can prevent such a statement. It could be that such a one has an extreme nervous temperament, or it could be an excessive regard for one’s own well-being and happiness, but such cannot stop thinking about the idea the priest will form of him. In a sense, we can say these thoughts are natural, and many have dealt with them. However, they are not acceptable from a Catholic, who must always remember that such thoughts must yield to the supernatural end before us.

I can tell you what a priest hearing confession thinks about his penitents, though. He thinks he is dealing with a soul which God has sent to him and for which he must give an account at the judgement. He knows he has a moral obligation to help this soul, and that that obligation demands his total obedience. Any opinion besides that is unimportant. Often he will not have an opinion, as he’s heard this plenty of times before. It does not change the degree of sanctity that a soul possesses, for the worth of a soul lies in God’s eyes alone.

As a penitent, you can have the confidence that the priest is bound under pain of excommunication never to reveal your confession to another soul. Have faith that God will reward you submission to the Sacred Tribunal by conferring upon the priest the light needed to guide your soul. Moreover, the good that will come from the confession will be proportional to the openness and honesty of the confession. According to St Alphonsus Liguori, the opening of the heart drives away temptation as the sun drives away the clouds.

Talking to a physician or a therapist about your anxiety concerning this issue may help a lot as well.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I have been suggested to get one both in person and online. I also need counselling. Here are my reasons & fears. Please feel free to rebute them. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to. Ultimately it is my choice, but I AM VERY SCARED.

1. Some sins are too embarrassing to HONESTLY confess. I’m having trouble stopping them. NOT SEXUAL SINS. Actually I do not think sexual sins are at all embarrassing.
2. I hate needing help. It suggests I cannot take care of myself - that angers me. I always wanted to be an independent person.
3. Responsibility. I know better, so I will be held responsible.
4. CHANGE IS DIFFICULT. Where do I begin?
5. Why me? Why now?

1. How much is “too” embarrassing? Embarrassing, yes. But why “too” much so? There’s really no such thing as “too embarrassing to confess”–it’s just a mind game you’re playing with yourself. In other words, figure out what is the “why” behind that “too,” and then you’ll know how to confess your sin honestly. God already knows what you’ve done; you just need to admit it. It takes humility and owning up to your own choices.
2. This sounds like pride speaking (not the good kind). You cannot forgive your own sins; you don’t have the tools to heal your own soul of sin. It’s not a matter of being independent or being able to take care of yourself. It’s a matter of not being God! Remember that it is God who forgives, not the priest. God works through the priest; he can do nothing without God (same for all of us).
3. Of course you will be held responsible for your own actions and choices, as we all are. This is why I try hard not to make promises I can’t keep. It’s not always easy to own up to what we’ve done (or should have done but didn’t)… but I’m not sure how this is a reason to avoid Confession or Spiritual Direction (or counseling). Do you mean you think you will have to do something before being forgiven, or that you won’t be forgiven because you knew better… or something else?
4. Yes, change is difficult, but not impossible. It generally takes practice, commitment, and maintenance to make lasting changes–and it helps to pray. But staying where you are, in your comfort zone, means you’re stuck where you are, not moving forward, just stagnating. As with any journey, you begin with the first step. Often, that’s admitting the problem (and a great place for that is: in Confession!). One step at a time, one day at a time (and sometimes one moment at a time). Your Confessor can give you more specific direction when you speak with him.
5. Why not?

I have found that, almost always, the thing I know I should do–yet find most difficult–is usually the thing that has the most positive influence in my life. Once I face up to what I need to do and just do it, I feel better, I accomplish more, and I am able to make real changes.

I also had to learn that changing doesn’t mean that I am of less value now than I would be if I did this or that, and that needing help doesn’t make me inferior, because my value is not based on what I do, but on who I am.

Confession is about being honest with myself, being honest about myself (especially my weaknesses), and being willing to accept that I sometimes fail to do what I should. If I can’t face my mistakes, I cannot learn from them and do better. I cannot improve if I am not willing to make changes. And I can’t move forward if I am not honest with myself about where I am now.

I pray that you are able to face your fears with courage and do what you know you should do.

 

[thistle]

I have been suggested to get one both in person and online. I also need counselling. Here are my reasons & fears. Please feel free to rebute them. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to. Ultimately it is my choice, but I AM VERY SCARED.

1. Some sins are too embarrassing to HONESTLY confess. I’m having trouble stopping them. NOT SEXUAL SINS. Actually I do not think sexual sins are at all embarrassing.
2. I hate needing help. It suggests I cannot take care of myself - that angers me. I always wanted to be an independent person.
3. Responsibility. I know better, so I will be held responsible.
4. CHANGE IS DIFFICULT. Where do I begin?
5. Why me? Why now?

There is nothing you confess to your priest that he hasn’t heard before.

 

[po18guy]

First impression: pride. Solution: humility.

It is more reasonable to fear not confessing. “Rather, fear him who can destroy both body and soul in hell.” Mt. 10:28

You are very far from being alone in needing help. If I stop my antibiotics, antifungals, antivirals, hypertension, diabetes and anti-rejection drugs, I will soon die. Just that simple. But, I realize that God’s grace is revealed both in my doctors as well as those medications.

 

[casslean]

I have been suggested to get one both in person and online. I also need counselling. Here are my reasons & fears. Please feel free to rebute them. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to. Ultimately it is my choice, but I AM VERY SCARED.

1. Some sins are too embarrassing to HONESTLY confess. I’m having trouble stopping them. NOT SEXUAL SINS. Actually I do not think sexual sins are at all embarrassing.
2. I hate needing help. It suggests I cannot take care of myself - that angers me. I always wanted to be an independent person.
3. Responsibility. I know better, so I will be held responsible.
4. CHANGE IS DIFFICULT. Where do I begin?
5. Why me? Why now?

I don’t have enough experience to competently rebut all of these, but I can share my experience and hope that helps.

I was TERRIFIED of Confession. As in, nearly had a panic attack at the thought of it. I hated being seen as weak or “bad” and I’m a shy person at the best of time so walking in a room and telling a person all these terrible things I had done seemed impossible - plus, I come from a world where forgiveness is not unconditional, so it was hard to conceive of that idea.

Getting through my first Confession was tough, but the feeling after was AMAZING. It was literally as if that priest had just taken this 3000 lb weight I had been carrying off my shoulders and left it in the confessional.

I don’t think Confession is meant to be easy, but it is absolutely worth it. You just have to decide that what it can offer is so much better than giving in to the fears.

 

[pianistclare]

You do not have to face the priest.
For the first couple of times, go behind the screen.
You have zero problems typing out all your issues here. Priests don’t yell at people. They absolve the truly repentant and they advise. All good things.
Go to confession. As you become more comfortable discussing your life with a priest in the context of confession, you can ask him to be your Spiritual Director.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

I don’t have enough experience to competently rebut all of these, but I can share my experience and hope that helps.

I was TERRIFIED of Confession. As in, nearly had a panic attack at the thought of it. I hated being seen as weak or “bad” and I’m a shy person at the best of time so walking in a room and telling a person all these terrible things I had done seemed impossible - plus, I come from a world where forgiveness is not unconditional, so it was hard to conceive of that idea.

Getting through my first Confession was tough, but the feeling after was AMAZING. It was literally as if that priest had just taken this 3000 lb weight I had been carrying off my shoulders and left it in the confessional.

I don’t think Confession is meant to be easy, but it is absolutely worth it. You just have to decide that what it can offer is so much better than giving in to the fears.

similarly I hate the idea of feeling weak or perhaps helpless.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

You do not have to face the priest.
For the first couple of times, go behind the screen.
You have zero problems typing out all your issues here. Priests don’t yell at people. They absolve the truly repentant and they advise. All good things.
Go to confession. As you become more comfortable discussing your life with a priest in the context of confession, you can ask him to be your Spiritual Director.

is that bad I have zero issues writing about my struggles? I’m anonymous online though. It is weird that God will forgive us of sins we intentionally committed but simply feel remorse for.
It is difficult for me to accept I can’t be perfect but that doesn’t change God’s standards.

 

[St_Francis]

is that bad I have zero issues writing about my struggles? I’m anonymous online though. It is weird that God will forgive us of sins we intentionally committed but simply feel remorse for.
It is difficult for me to accept I can’t be perfect but that doesn’t change God’s standards.

You are anonymous in the confessional also.

All you need to say is kind and number; you do not need to explain the circumstances, who was with you and their degree of relationship to you, how tired you were and why, etc. Just: I did X # times, or I did X about once a week for # years.

If you need to, write a list with only this info on it and take that in with you to keep you on track. Be sure to destroy it afterwards!

Making the list will involve making an Examination of Conscience. **Pray to the Holy Spirit before you start! **Ask for His protection as well.

When I was going to Confession weekly, it was terrific, and I advanced well in a smooth way. But I did learn not to dwell on my sins. I read that one should spend only a very few minutes, like 5 minutes max, before Confession, and less on the nightly exam. For a Confession occurring after a long absence, or a general confession, one would spend more time, but when you are finished, stop. Thank the Holy Spirit for His help (you did remember to ask for His help beforehand, right? ), *then stop thinking about it. *If a mortal sin you forgot pops into your mind, do not dwell on it, just add it to your list.

 

[pianistclare]

is that bad I have zero issues writing about my struggles? I’m anonymous online though. It is weird that God will forgive us of sins we intentionally committed but simply feel remorse for.
It is difficult for me to accept I can’t be perfect but that doesn’t change God’s standards.

No it’s not bad, I didn’t’ say that.
But if you can pour out your thoughts to STRANGERS, you can tell a priest behind a screen. I mean, we’re all behind this screen, no?

Pride is preventing you from making a good confession. Let it go. It will destroy you.

Who exactly, is perfect? ONLY CHRIST.
If random people were perfect there would not be much need for the Sacraments and grace, eh?

 

[Katherine438]

I have been suggested to get one both in person and online. I also need counselling. Here are my reasons & fears. Please feel free to rebute them. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to. Ultimately it is my choice, but I AM VERY SCARED.

1. Some sins are too embarrassing to HONESTLY confess. I’m having trouble stopping them. NOT SEXUAL SINS. Actually I do not think sexual sins are at all embarrassing.
2. I hate needing help. It suggests I cannot take care of myself - that angers me. I always wanted to be an independent person.
3. Responsibility. I know better, so I will be held responsible.
4. CHANGE IS DIFFICULT. Where do I begin?
5. Why me? Why now?

Try confessing to the priest as if he were Christ … that is essentially who he is sitting in for.

 

[PelagiathePenit]

Try confessing to the priest as if he were Christ … that is essentially who he is sitting in for.

There is a lot of vulnerability in confession. Some priests are indeed rude. Most aren’t honestly. I’m not sure if they are listening sometimes. What most people call pride I see as fear of vulnerability or admitting weaknesses or defeat. As wrong as it is, we are human. It is understandable.

 

[CatholicRaven]

There is a lot of vulnerability in confession. Some priests are indeed rude. Most aren’t honestly. I’m not sure if they are listening sometimes. What most people call pride I see as fear of vulnerability or admitting weaknesses or defeat. As wrong as it is, we are human. It is understandable.

I agree that it’s understandable. There is always vulnerability in admitting our mistakes. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean it must be a huge struggle every time, either. And IMHO, some vulnerability is necessary for any truly close relationship. Including (maybe especially) in our relationship with God.

That said, I think fear of vulnerability or fear of admitting weakness is a form of pride. Pride, in the sense we mean here, is the opposite of humility. It puts self (including reputation or self-image) first, ahead of our relationship with God. Pride doesn’t want to admit the reality, for fear of ruining the illusion we have of ourselves as “better” than we have behaved (of course we are capable of doing better, but this is thinking we’re already there). Pride often tries to justify sin or redefine it so that we can avoid reshaping ourselves or our image of ourselves.

So we truly ARE making ourselves vulnerable in coming to Confession, because we’re admitting that God is perfect, and that He would be justified in letting us rot in hell for our sin, because we are NOT perfect. And that we are the ones who screwed up in this relationship, not God.

That’s part of it. But Confessing is also about hope, faith, and trust in His Mercy! We ask for His forgiveness because we know that His love and mercy and compassion are so much greater than our sin. We also confess because (hopefully!) we love God, and want things to be right between us, and we know He loves us more than He hates sin.

God is merciful! God is Love!

 

[PelagiathePenit]

I agree that it’s understandable. There is always vulnerability in admitting our mistakes. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean it must be a huge struggle every time, either. And IMHO, some vulnerability is necessary for any truly close relationship. Including (maybe especially) in our relationship with God.

That said, I think fear of vulnerability or fear of admitting weakness is a form of pride. Pride, in the sense we mean here, is the opposite of humility. It puts self (including reputation or self-image) first, ahead of our relationship with God. Pride doesn’t want to admit the reality, for fear of ruining the illusion we have of ourselves as “better” than we have behaved (of course we are capable of doing better, but this is thinking we’re already there). Pride often tries to justify sin or redefine it so that we can avoid reshaping ourselves or our image of ourselves.

So we truly ARE making ourselves vulnerable in coming to Confession, because we’re admitting that God is perfect, and that He would be justified in letting us rot in hell for our sin, because we are NOT perfect. And that we are the ones who screwed up in this relationship, not God.

That’s part of it. But Confessing is also about hope, faith, and trust in His Mercy! We ask for His forgiveness because we know that His love and mercy and compassion are so much greater than our sin. We also confess because (hopefully!) we love God, and want things to be right between us, and we know He loves us more than He hates sin.

God is merciful! God is Love!

God bless your soul. This answer perfectly explained the evil of pride. Gentleness is a rare gift. I think people have a tendency to use a sledge hammer when confronting people about their vices or discussing sin in general.