L
Lemony
Guest
I’ll apologize in advance for this post, since it’s bombastic.
I’ve had it with the Church. I loathe going to Mass and everytime I do, feel a hundred times meaner leaving than when I went in. I’m not sure what can or should be done at this point.
I have no doctrinal quibbles with the Church. So my problem is personal, or institutional.
I grew up in a family of weekly church-goers. I can’t remember ever enjoying church. I expressed my displeasure as a teen, and got a lot of “don’t say that” feedback from my folks, but truthfully, I don’t think they enjoyed it either.
I made a humongous mistake in attending a Catholic institution for undergrad. My overall experience was extremely negative. The administration treated the students as walking dollar signs, and during my tenure undergraduate money was being siphoned to prop up the failing medical center (the more astute here might guess which institution this is). This caused a scandal when they tried to use the law center’s money as well, but it was clear while in attendance that we undergrads were getting far less than what we paid for. It wasn’t outright theft, but close.
I found the institution to be cold and callous in almost all transactions. For example… an alumna told me how they tried to expel a pregnant woman for her pregnancy, and another told me how they berated her after she attempted suicide (immediately after it took place, whilst still in the hospital). A career advisor told me I shouldn’t even consider applying to the graduate school I eventually attended because I had no chance. I don’t have enough time and space to recollect everything here but suffice to say these experiences didn’t recommend my fellow Catholics to me, and the school’s very low alumni giving rate does not shock me.
After graduation I joined a church. After attending for years, the pastor never once looked me in the eyes. When I saw him in the supermarket, he looked through me or past me (and the parish was miniscule enough to know everyone at least by face). On one occasion he took my hand to pull me forward and out of his way to talk with “big money donor” behind me. And it became pretty clear that there were “big money donors” and then… well, the rest of us. “Big money donor” gets to take up the sacramental gifts and gets chit-chat with the pastor. The priest sits at the table of “big money donor” at the Christmas gala. Everyone else… eh, who are you?
That priest was eventually succeeded by someone who wasn’t as classist and clueless, and I was more of a faithful attendee. But I’ve recently relocated, and I’m having problems again.
In my new city, I attempted church #1 to find they hadn’t posted the mass times correctly. Tried church #2 only to find that they were doing construction and jamming 600 people into an annex made for 200. This probably doesn’t seem too terrible, but to someone already on the verge of leaving the Church like me, if you can’t be bothered to tell people when to show up and find them a folding chair, you come across as taking them for granted.
I joined church #3 with low expectations, and they’re even lower now. The priest gave us newbies an uninspired speech (replete with the standard money plea). As a single person, I’ve grown sick of the yammering I have to endure about marriages, families and children during Mass (yeah, I said it). There is no social component in the Church for single women who aren’t interested in becoming nuns or spinsters. This church has mommy groups, men-only scripture study, marriage-strengthening groups, married people social groups, and a 25-40 group that is for single people AND married people. Let me translate: “out of all the groups we have in the church for married people, we couldn’t find one single people could have for themselves.”
Added to that, the older I get the more I resent having followed the Church’s teachings on sex before marriage. To have wasted my best years never having known that sort of physical closeness is now creating in me a fount of anger.
My friends and family who were Catholic are falling away too. One’s horrible annulment experience left such a sour taste in her mouth she barely cares if she’s married in the Church or not. Another moved to the Bible belt and has started getting close to the Methodist community. She still attends Mass but told me it makes her sick to her stomach to attend Catholic functions and the Methodists have programs, community support, and NICE PEOPLE. People who walk the walk. I can’t help agree with her because I’ve met them too and I’ve had positive interactions I couldn’t imagine taking place at a Catholic church.
Even my parents (who were married by a pedophile priest
), and who still begrudgingly go to Catholic Mass, are now also attending Presbyterian services. When I asked them why - they said because they actually LIKED the Presbyterians. So, Catholic Mass out of obligation, Presbyterian mass for friendship and spiritual nourishment.
Long story short, I’ve realized that to the Catholic Church I am merely an envelope and a check, as I ever was. I won’t meet a spouse through the Church. I’m tired of seeing people in church who pretend they’ve never seen you when you’re outside the church setting. I derive negative spiritual sustenance from the Church. The newly revised Mass is clunky and artless. Attendance has become such a burden that I resent those who seem to enjoy it (if not find them downright obnoxious), and the only reason I attend is because my friends made me a godmother to their child and I wonder how badly it would upset them for me to leave.
I can only wonder at this point, how many truly awful people does it take to make a Catholic institution? Or does the nature of the institution create awful people? And if I feel enraged when attending, what to do?
I’ve had it with the Church. I loathe going to Mass and everytime I do, feel a hundred times meaner leaving than when I went in. I’m not sure what can or should be done at this point.
I have no doctrinal quibbles with the Church. So my problem is personal, or institutional.
I grew up in a family of weekly church-goers. I can’t remember ever enjoying church. I expressed my displeasure as a teen, and got a lot of “don’t say that” feedback from my folks, but truthfully, I don’t think they enjoyed it either.
I made a humongous mistake in attending a Catholic institution for undergrad. My overall experience was extremely negative. The administration treated the students as walking dollar signs, and during my tenure undergraduate money was being siphoned to prop up the failing medical center (the more astute here might guess which institution this is). This caused a scandal when they tried to use the law center’s money as well, but it was clear while in attendance that we undergrads were getting far less than what we paid for. It wasn’t outright theft, but close.
I found the institution to be cold and callous in almost all transactions. For example… an alumna told me how they tried to expel a pregnant woman for her pregnancy, and another told me how they berated her after she attempted suicide (immediately after it took place, whilst still in the hospital). A career advisor told me I shouldn’t even consider applying to the graduate school I eventually attended because I had no chance. I don’t have enough time and space to recollect everything here but suffice to say these experiences didn’t recommend my fellow Catholics to me, and the school’s very low alumni giving rate does not shock me.
After graduation I joined a church. After attending for years, the pastor never once looked me in the eyes. When I saw him in the supermarket, he looked through me or past me (and the parish was miniscule enough to know everyone at least by face). On one occasion he took my hand to pull me forward and out of his way to talk with “big money donor” behind me. And it became pretty clear that there were “big money donors” and then… well, the rest of us. “Big money donor” gets to take up the sacramental gifts and gets chit-chat with the pastor. The priest sits at the table of “big money donor” at the Christmas gala. Everyone else… eh, who are you?
That priest was eventually succeeded by someone who wasn’t as classist and clueless, and I was more of a faithful attendee. But I’ve recently relocated, and I’m having problems again.
In my new city, I attempted church #1 to find they hadn’t posted the mass times correctly. Tried church #2 only to find that they were doing construction and jamming 600 people into an annex made for 200. This probably doesn’t seem too terrible, but to someone already on the verge of leaving the Church like me, if you can’t be bothered to tell people when to show up and find them a folding chair, you come across as taking them for granted.
I joined church #3 with low expectations, and they’re even lower now. The priest gave us newbies an uninspired speech (replete with the standard money plea). As a single person, I’ve grown sick of the yammering I have to endure about marriages, families and children during Mass (yeah, I said it). There is no social component in the Church for single women who aren’t interested in becoming nuns or spinsters. This church has mommy groups, men-only scripture study, marriage-strengthening groups, married people social groups, and a 25-40 group that is for single people AND married people. Let me translate: “out of all the groups we have in the church for married people, we couldn’t find one single people could have for themselves.”
Added to that, the older I get the more I resent having followed the Church’s teachings on sex before marriage. To have wasted my best years never having known that sort of physical closeness is now creating in me a fount of anger.
My friends and family who were Catholic are falling away too. One’s horrible annulment experience left such a sour taste in her mouth she barely cares if she’s married in the Church or not. Another moved to the Bible belt and has started getting close to the Methodist community. She still attends Mass but told me it makes her sick to her stomach to attend Catholic functions and the Methodists have programs, community support, and NICE PEOPLE. People who walk the walk. I can’t help agree with her because I’ve met them too and I’ve had positive interactions I couldn’t imagine taking place at a Catholic church.
Even my parents (who were married by a pedophile priest
), and who still begrudgingly go to Catholic Mass, are now also attending Presbyterian services. When I asked them why - they said because they actually LIKED the Presbyterians. So, Catholic Mass out of obligation, Presbyterian mass for friendship and spiritual nourishment.Long story short, I’ve realized that to the Catholic Church I am merely an envelope and a check, as I ever was. I won’t meet a spouse through the Church. I’m tired of seeing people in church who pretend they’ve never seen you when you’re outside the church setting. I derive negative spiritual sustenance from the Church. The newly revised Mass is clunky and artless. Attendance has become such a burden that I resent those who seem to enjoy it (if not find them downright obnoxious), and the only reason I attend is because my friends made me a godmother to their child and I wonder how badly it would upset them for me to leave.
I can only wonder at this point, how many truly awful people does it take to make a Catholic institution? Or does the nature of the institution create awful people? And if I feel enraged when attending, what to do?
When is the last time you went to Confession? (You don’t have to answer this). If it’s been awhile, you may want to go and confess your anger and anything else you can think of that might be affecting your soul. You need light and Grace and Confession can give this. (I’m not suggesting you are in a state of mortal sin–I’m only saying that Confession can give much light and Grace so that we can see more clearly.) Secondly, remember why we’re in the Church. It’s because JESUS is there in the Eucharist. You won’t get that anywhere else. I am sensing that you are looking for fellowship with other believers and a more warm and welcoming parish. Those things are important, but they will be less important if you are seeking Jesus FIRST. Seek a relationship with Him above all else. I used to feel that my parish wasn’t that welcoming until I started to become more involved in it. Now I am president of the women’s rosary circle, on the evangelization team, attend Bible Study, and attend Daily Mass about 3 times a week. In starting these things in just this past year, I have found that there is a small group of devout Catholics who are involved in many of these same activities. The average Catholic goes to Sunday Mass and then jets home until next Sunday. But if you begin to get more involved, that group of devout people will begin to take notice of you and you will begin to strike up friendships. If there is no singles group in your parish, why not start one? Surely there are others in the same boat? Pray the Rosary and ask for God to take away your anger and ask Mary to bring you into a closer relationship with her Son. This is the most important step you will ever take. Don’t leave the Church. The Church has everything you will ever need…JESUS in the Blessed Sacrament.
I am newly Catholic and in a different place in life but the first thing I did to recreate what I had in my old church was to join the Legion of Mary and the RCIA team. I am in a big parish and without those connections I would never feel the sense of belonging I felt was important as a Christian in community with fellow believers. Having said that I left a great church because I knew that Jesus was leading me to the truth and for my leap of faith I feel so blessed that on the other side of the Easter Vigil I have found even more spiritually fulfilling connections than I had before and I was not sure that was possible. Being new to all of this I would recommend involvement or even looking for a parish that might fit what you need as a young adult- having young adult children who don’t go to church much I commend you for trying to stay in the Church and I will pray that the Lord will find you where you are and guide you to peace and truth.