Feeling awkward about telling someone off; was justified

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victrolatim

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Okay, so I’m feeling a little awkward/guilty about having to be stern with a casual acquaintance and basically telling them not to speak to me again. I feel my response was justified but I just can’t help second-guessing myself and thinking that I could have handled it more charitably some how.

Long story short, once or twice a year we get together with the people my girlfriend went to college with. A few of us are closer friends but for the most part we just get together once a year casually, see how everyone is, etc. and don’t really talk much the rest of the time. The guy in question lives out of town and we only see him at these gatherings and hear very little the rest of the year. I would consider him an acquaintance at the very best. I don’t particularly like this fellow, but since I see him once a year for three hours I just kind of bear it. He’s a gay man and he’s particularly obsessed with things involving his lifestyle. Sometimes he will discuss things that are very inappropriate. Personally, I think he likes being center of attention. I try to change the subject or tune out and have a side conversation when he gets like that. He asked me point blank the other day how I felt about homosexuality. I answered “While I don’t agree with that lifestyle, I don’t like to define people just by their sexuality. I’m more interested in getting to know someone’s hobbies, interests and personality.” He retorts with one of the weirdest responses I have ever heard “Well you don’t agree with it because you’ve never tried it!” I tried to stay relatively centered and just say “That doesn’t appeal to me.”. Thankfully, somebody else grabbed his attention and changed the topic. I thought that was the end of it.

Fast forward to the morning when I find my email barraged with messages from this guy sending me homosexual pornography. I responded by a message telling him to please stop. Then I get more pornography from other accounts, either friends of his or pseudonyms, mailing list who knows. I deleted all of these messages and sent him a follow up message saying in paraphrase to please stop, that I was not interested and please do not email me or call me that I was not interested in talking to him any further. I did not attack him personally in any way. He responded by a personal attack, attacking my faith, calling me ignorant, bigoted, vulgar words and other things. I was fuming at this point but decided not to respond and blocked him on email, social media, phone, and any other way possible.

I know that what I did was justified, but I always have this feeling that maybe I could have been “nicer”. Or maybe I should have said something back defending myself, but then he would drag me into a senseless argument. I don’t have time for that in my life. I guess I’m just looking for more assurance that I did the right thing. I try to be very fair and charitable so I feel very bad about myself when I have to talk to someone so sternly.
 
I think you were very charitable and have nothing to second guess or feel guilty about.
 
1ke said:
I think you were very charitable and have nothing to second guess or feel guilty about.
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I agree. You asked him nicely not to continue sending the unwanted messages so when he didn’t do as you asked, you had no choice but to block him, IMO.
 
victrolatim said:
I know that what I did was justified, but I always have this feeling that maybe I could have been “nicer”. Or maybe I should have said something back defending myself, but then he would drag me into a senseless argument. I don’t have time for that in my life. I guess I’m just looking for more assurance that I did the right thing. I try to be very fair and charitable so I feel very bad about myself when I have to talk to someone so sternly.
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You were nice, overly nice. And you acted charitably. You have no reason to feel the least bit guilty.

Ask yourself, if this man were straight and bombarded you with the unwanted verbal and visual garbage you endured, would you feel “not nice” or guilty by asking him to stop. In fact, that kind of internet harasssment borders on actionable by the authorities. Maybe that is where you should turn. People like this creep need to be put in their place. You might be doing a lot of other people a service by taking some form of action.

My :twocents:
 
Wow, what an uncivilized way the other guy behaved!

We can get hing up on making all situations win-win, but if the other person doesn’t cooperate, it’s not going to turn out that way. If someone else is being rude and refuses to stop, we have to do something that “feels” rude to protect ourselves.
 
Congratulations. He was propositioning you. He wanted to have sex with you. You said no. He continued. You made it clear it was not welcome. He sent you pornographic images. (Were any of them of minors?) In the workplace, there’s a word for this: sexual harassment. In real life, there are other sophisticated terms for it. Your legal defense is that you cut off contact. Keep records of the dates and times you did this. If it continues, it’s a violation of the Civil Rights Act and you can, and may have to, get a restraining order. You have done exactly the right thing. No violation to charity here. If he or anyone else accuses you of being homophobic, shrug it off. Bravo!
 
Too tell you the truth, I think you were too nice. I would have ttaken it a step further to see if I could contact his ISP to alert them about inappropriate messages. Sometimes you have to think of your own protection first

Part of the reason many people feel awkward in standing up for themselves is that they may have been conditioned and bombarded with messages that you have to let people walk all over you in order to be a Christian. Please ignore such people.
 
victrolatim said:
Okay, so I’m feeling a little awkward/guilty about having to be stern with a casual acquaintance and basically telling them not to speak to me again. I feel my response was justified but I just can’t help second-guessing myself and thinking that I could have handled it more charitably some how.

Long story short, once or twice a year we get together with the people my girlfriend went to college with. A few of us are closer friends but for the most part we just get together once a year casually, see how everyone is, etc. and don’t really talk much the rest of the time. The guy in question lives out of town and we only see him at these gatherings and hear very little the rest of the year. I would consider him an acquaintance at the very best. I don’t particularly like this fellow, but since I see him once a year for three hours I just kind of bear it. He’s a gay man and he’s particularly obsessed with things involving his lifestyle. Sometimes he will discuss things that are very inappropriate. Personally, I think he likes being center of attention. I try to change the subject or tune out and have a side conversation when he gets like that. He asked me point blank the other day how I felt about homosexuality. I answered “While I don’t agree with that lifestyle, I don’t like to define people just by their sexuality. I’m more interested in getting to know someone’s hobbies, interests and personality.” He retorts with one of the weirdest responses I have ever heard “Well you don’t agree with it because you’ve never tried it!” I tried to stay relatively centered and just say “That doesn’t appeal to me.”. Thankfully, somebody else grabbed his attention and changed the topic. I thought that was the end of it.

Fast forward to the morning when I find my email barraged with messages from this guy sending me homosexual pornography. I responded by a message telling him to please stop. Then I get more pornography from other accounts, either friends of his or pseudonyms, mailing list who knows. I deleted all of these messages and sent him a follow up message saying in paraphrase to please stop, that I was not interested and please do not email me or call me that I was not interested in talking to him any further. I did not attack him personally in any way. He responded by a personal attack, attacking my faith, calling me ignorant, bigoted, vulgar words and other things. I was fuming at this point but decided not to respond and blocked him on email, social media, phone, and any other way possible.

I know that what I did was justified, but I always have this feeling that maybe I could have been “nicer”. Or maybe I should have said something back defending myself, but then he would drag me into a senseless argument. I don’t have time for that in my life. I guess I’m just looking for more assurance that I did the right thing. I try to be very fair and charitable so I feel very bad about myself when I have to talk to someone so sternly.
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he was way, way, way out of line. sending you pornography? you could inform the police if you wanted to over something like that

I had to tell a guy I was tutoring once to leave me alone too, he started acting inappropriately as well. not as bad as yours though. yeah, it’s awkward, but we have to do what we have to do. sometimes there are things we just can’t put up with for our own and others safety
 
You were nicer to this guy than he was to you. You handled it very well; let it go and hope he does not do it again. (It wouldn’t hurt to seek legal advice in case it happens again)
 
Thank you very much for the very helpful comments. They put my mind to rest. In truth, there were a lot of harsher things that I could have said. I could have resorted to attacking him personally because there are many things I think about this individual in my head that I wouldn’t say to his face out of just general decorum. I don’t find him to be a very pleasant person to be around and it has nothing to do with his “orientation”. I did not stoop to that level.
 
Somehow, it always seems fine and within reason for a certain side to force their way of thinking off on another, and for you saying you know it’s wrong, look out. You’re a “bigoted, intolerant homophobe” and all of the rest, who is “forcing” your religion at someone. No. You handled it fine. I wish the obsession with sexuality and trying to force feed it on others would just stop altogether. Why don’t you start sending him pictures of rosaries, scapulars, and Mary statues. Although that would be a good thing.
 
I still try and pray for this guy. We’re not friends by a long shot, but I know that he did not have a very good upbringing and that he has a very screwed up moral compass. Obviously this does not excuse his actions. Even the first time I met the guy was…bizarre

He was in the same degree program at the same college as my girlfriend (hence the yearly get together). Her and I were watching a movie in her campus apartment and he came over to borrow a textbook. She pointed him to the bookcase in the other room. A minute later we hear a scream come from the room (the kind of scream where you either just saw a very large spider or have just broken your leg). We both ran into the room and he was covering his eyes saying “Take it away! Take it away!”. Upon further inquiry he was talking about the CRUCIFIX ON HER WALL. The man was literally shaking. We ushered him into the other room to calm him down and asked what the problem was. He didn’t want to talk about it. We suggested perhaps that he should talk to a counselor if something bothered him that bad, to which his response was “I don’t need that , I just find a man on the internet and .” As much as I really can’t stand the guy I still try and find the heart to say a prayer for him and hope he finds some stability and realizes that it does not come from hooking up with random men off the internet. I have never seen anybody respond to a crucifix that way. It makes me wonder if perhaps he was abused.
 
victrolatim said:
I still try and pray for this guy. We’re not friends by a long shot, but I know that he did not have a very good upbringing and that he has a very screwed up moral compass. Obviously this does not excuse his actions. Even the first time I met the guy was…bizarre…

…I have never seen anybody respond to a crucifix that way. It makes me wonder if perhaps he was abused.
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Same here. Being sexually abused/raped in childhood could have pushed him over the edge into the SSA orientation, especially if his nature was sensitive to start with. Add to that a not ideal upbringing.
IF he was an abuse victim, his reaction to the crucifix would make one wonder about the abuser, BUT:
Years ago, i read (Who knows where!) that repeated adultery makes it easier for the demonic to gain influence over the person. That makes sense, so maybe his initial reaction (to the crucifix) and obscenity outburst had a slight whiff of the infernal? Not to forget his unwanted emails, either!

You’re doing the right thing by praying for him so, as the others here have said, you’re in the clear.
The last thing you want is for him or his associates to think you might be “a good catch”. :eek:
Some people won’t take “NO!” for an answer.
 
If he did that to a co-worker, he’d usually get fired the first time he sent you porn. HR would tell him he’s never talking to you again.

The question I’d have is how to handle it with the social circle. I think I’d mention it to the ones I was actually friends with in the most low-key way possible. Suffice it to say, however, that this is not how polite people act, not even in secular circles. Your response was well-mannered and very self-disciplined.
 
victrolatim said:
I still try and pray for this guy. We’re not friends by a long shot, but I know that he did not have a very good upbringing and that he has a very screwed up moral compass. Obviously this does not excuse his actions. Even the first time I met the guy was…bizarre

He was in the same degree program at the same college as my girlfriend (hence the yearly get together). Her and I were watching a movie in her campus apartment and he came over to borrow a textbook. She pointed him to the bookcase in the other room. A minute later we hear a scream come from the room (the kind of scream where you either just saw a very large spider or have just broken your leg). We both ran into the room and he was covering his eyes saying “Take it away! Take it away!”. Upon further inquiry he was talking about the CRUCIFIX ON HER WALL. The man was literally shaking. We ushered him into the other room to calm him down and asked what the problem was. He didn’t want to talk about it. We suggested perhaps that he should talk to a counselor if something bothered him that bad, to which his response was “I don’t need that , I just find a man on the internet and .” As much as I really can’t stand the guy I still try and find the heart to say a prayer for him and hope he finds some stability and realizes that it does not come from hooking up with random men off the internet. I have never seen anybody respond to a crucifix that way. It makes me wonder if perhaps he was abused.
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I think you handled the situation very charitably and praying for this man is a lovely, Christian thing to do.
 
victrolatim said:
Okay, so I’m feeling a little awkward/guilty about having to be stern with a casual acquaintance and basically telling them not to speak to me again. I feel my response was justified but I just can’t help second-guessing myself and thinking that I could have handled it more charitably some how.

Long story short, once or twice a year we get together with the people my girlfriend went to college with. A few of us are closer friends but for the most part we just get together once a year casually, see how everyone is, etc. and don’t really talk much the rest of the time. The guy in question lives out of town and we only see him at these gatherings and hear very little the rest of the year. I would consider him an acquaintance at the very best. I don’t particularly like this fellow, but since I see him once a year for three hours I just kind of bear it. He’s a gay man and he’s particularly obsessed with things involving his lifestyle. Sometimes he will discuss things that are very inappropriate. Personally, I think he likes being center of attention. I try to change the subject or tune out and have a side conversation when he gets like that. He asked me point blank the other day how I felt about homosexuality. I answered “While I don’t agree with that lifestyle, I don’t like to define people just by their sexuality. I’m more interested in getting to know someone’s hobbies, interests and personality.” He retorts with one of the weirdest responses I have ever heard “Well you don’t agree with it because you’ve never tried it!” I tried to stay relatively centered and just say “That doesn’t appeal to me.”. Thankfully, somebody else grabbed his attention and changed the topic. I thought that was the end of it.

Fast forward to the morning when I find my email barraged with messages from this guy sending me homosexual pornography. I responded by a message telling him to please stop. Then I get more pornography from other accounts, either friends of his or pseudonyms, mailing list who knows. I deleted all of these messages and sent him a follow up message saying in paraphrase to please stop, that I was not interested and please do not email me or call me that I was not interested in talking to him any further. I did not attack him personally in any way. He responded by a personal attack, attacking my faith, calling me ignorant, bigoted, vulgar words and other things. I was fuming at this point but decided not to respond and blocked him on email, social media, phone, and any other way possible.

I know that what I did was justified, but I always have this feeling that maybe I could have been “nicer”. Or maybe I should have said something back defending myself, but then he would drag me into a senseless argument. I don’t have time for that in my life. I guess I’m just looking for more assurance that I did the right thing. I try to be very fair and charitable so I feel very bad about myself when I have to talk to someone so sternly.
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You were nicer than I ever would have been. I would have gone to war.
 
EasterJoy said:
If he did that to a co-worker, he’d usually get fired the first time he sent you porn. HR would tell him he’s never talking to you again.

The question I’d have is how to handle it with the social circle. I think I’d mention it to the ones I was actually friends with in the most low-key way possible. Suffice it to say, however, that this is not how polite people act, not even in secular circles. Your response was well-mannered and very self-disciplined.
Click to expand...
Catholics are not supposed to mention the shortcomings of others unless they have a need to know or in search of counsel.
 
Crown_of_Stars said:
Somehow, it always seems fine and within reason for a certain side to force their way of thinking off on another, and for you saying you know it’s wrong, look out. You’re a “bigoted, intolerant homophobe” and all of the rest, who is “forcing” your religion at someone. No. You handled it fine. I wish the obsession with sexuality and trying to force feed it on others would just stop altogether. Why don’t you start sending him pictures of rosaries, scapulars, and Mary statues. Although that would be a good thing.
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👍
 
Fiasco said:
That makes sense, so maybe his initial reaction (to the crucifix) and obscenity outburst had a slight whiff of the infernal?
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I was thinking along the same lines as well. I have read that demons cannot stand the sight of the crucifix, so it’s possible that this person could be demonically possessed.
 
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