Feeling dishonored this Mother's Day

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kittery

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:tissues: Blessings to all of you mothers out there! I’m wondering what some of the men did for you moms on Mother’s Day. What made this the best (or worst) Mother’s Day? I want to hear the happy and the sad stories.

Mine threw a bag of peony bulbs in the cart at Lowe’s Saturday while we were shopping for sprinkler system parts, and said, “It’s Mother’s Day.” And then he was like, “What are you gonna’ do? You gonna’ get those bulbs put in some pots soon or what?”

So today, no breakfast made, no card, just bulbs tucked away in a plastic baggie. He told me Happy Mother’s Day and that I’m a good mom. As in, “Happy Mother’s Day. (hug) You’re a good mom.” At the end of the day I asked why. Why didn’t he try to make the day special? He listed several things he thought about doing, but said that his time was too cramped. He spent hours shooting the breeze with his brother yesterday, though. He did have time. I even own a card/flower shop!

He was uptight about getting out to see his mom for mother’s day today as in he was getting irritated at how long it was taking all of us to get out of the house. He wrote her a nice card. Wrote out his words on a separate piece of paper before writing in the card and everything. Gave her a plant and a candle (my doing).

Men, please feel free to chime in to help me understand his behavior. :confused: He knows that at the very least, I like cards or letters that express devotion, or love, or honor, or gratitude- something that is appropriate for the occasion. He knows this. But every single holiday or occasion, he tells me what he “was” going to do. As in, “I was going to take you out for a nice dinner for our anniversary, but I didn’t find a sitter in time. We’ll get to it one of these days.” Meaning, he never actually tried and we will never actually celebrate our anniversary. 🤷

I have gotten to the low point of feeling guilty for wanting to be acknowledged on these occasions. I feel like maybe I’m expecting too much. Am I?
 
I don’t know if your husband is willing to change, but if he is I recommend two books to help the two of you:

His Needs, Her Needs
The Five Love Languages

I am sorry your husband is not able to see that he is hurting you by his behavior.
 
In our family the rule was:

You don’t get to be the mom until my (DH’s) mom is dead.
 
kittery said:
:tissues: Blessings to all of you mothers out there! I’m wondering what some of the men did for you moms on Mother’s Day. What made this the best (or worst) Mother’s Day? I want to hear the happy and the sad stories.

Mine threw a bag of peony bulbs in the cart at Lowe’s Saturday while we were shopping for sprinkler system parts, and said, “It’s Mother’s Day.” And then he was like, “What are you gonna’ do? You gonna’ get those bulbs put in some pots soon or what?”

So today, no breakfast made, no card, just bulbs tucked away in a plastic baggie. He told me Happy Mother’s Day and that I’m a good mom. As in, “Happy Mother’s Day. (hug) You’re a good mom.” At the end of the day I asked why. Why didn’t he try to make the day special? He listed several things he thought about doing, but said that his time was too cramped. He spent hours shooting the breeze with his brother yesterday, though. He did have time. I even own a card/flower shop!

He was uptight about getting out to see his mom for mother’s day today as in he was getting irritated at how long it was taking all of us to get out of the house. He wrote her a nice card. Wrote out his words on a separate piece of paper before writing in the card and everything. Gave her a plant and a candle (my doing).

Men, please feel free to chime in to help me understand his behavior. :confused: He knows that at the very least, I like cards or letters that express devotion, or love, or honor, or gratitude- something that is appropriate for the occasion. He knows this. But every single holiday or occasion, he tells me what he “was” going to do. As in, “I was going to take you out for a nice dinner for our anniversary, but I didn’t find a sitter in time. We’ll get to it one of these days.” Meaning, he never actually tried and we will never actually celebrate our anniversary. 🤷

I have gotten to the low point of feeling guilty for wanting to be acknowledged on these occasions. I feel like maybe I’m expecting too much. Am I?
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Aw, I’m sorry this happened to you!😦

I think that your husband’s behavior goes beyond holidays…it probably is a general attitude that he shows, a lack of respect, which a holiday isn’t going to ‘suddenly’ bring him out of. I would have a calm talk with him–share your thoughts and disappointments, and that as his wife, you are feeling not as respected as you could/should be. Cards, gifts are all nice–it’s really the thought that counts, as we both know–and to not even go out and shop for a card, would send a message to me that I just didn’t even come to mind – which again, is a behavior that probably is existent beyond the holidays. I will pray that he is open minded, and listens–and hopefully, things will change for the better. God bless and hugs to you!:console:
 
mercygate said:
In our family the rule was:

You don’t get to be the mom until my (DH’s) mom is dead.
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You mean only one mom was honored, the matriarch? If how I am interpreting this, that was just plain selfish. Correct me if I am wrong.
 
Catholic90 said:
You mean only one mom was honored, the matriarch? If how I am interpreting this, that was just plain selfish. Correct me if I am wrong.
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Well, that’s how it worked in DH’s family. He didn’t get so much as a sneeze of recognition for Father’s day from the older generation. Nobody mattered except the guy at the head of the line. They were Pontic Greeks, who had absorbed a lot of Turkish culture. Papou’s nickname was “Pasha.”
 
Since Mother’s Day is a made up holiday for flower and greeting card companies - it is sad that we get so built up for this perfect Hallmark day, where our children bring us a gourmet brakfast in bed, we get 4 dozen roses and if our husband loves us, he will visit Kay jewelers.

Blah.

It was Sunday, we shared Mass, we shared working at the Parish, we shared the smiles of the CCD kids, we grilled some steaks for supper - every Sunday is special.
 
kage_ar said:
Since Mother’s Day is a made up holiday for flower and greeting card companies - it is sad that we get so built up for this perfect Hallmark day, where our children bring us a gourmet brakfast in bed, we get 4 dozen roses and if our husband loves us, he will visit Kay jewelers.

Blah.

It was Sunday, we shared Mass, we shared working at the Parish, we shared the smiles of the CCD kids, we grilled some steaks for supper - every Sunday is special.
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AMEN!
 
get over it
men are how they are

most MILs would get nothing from their son if DIL did not take care of it. Mine got her gift before she left (because she needed it for her trip).

In any case it is mother’s day, up to your kids to mark the day. You are not his mother. Now if he does this on your wedding anniversary you have permission to beat him over the head with a bag of peony bulbs
 
Actually, the holiday was originally intended to honor mothers. That has been co-opted by the commercial industry to make money. It’s a shame really. The idea was to honor mothers at Church and the white carnation was to be the symbol. The founder of mother’s day was horrified at the commercialization. Here’s a link or two with the history:
dayformothers.com/mothers-day-history/index.html


That being said (a bit off topic, lol), you have a few options: Don’t say anything and keep being ignored, talk to your dh and let him know how you feel about him ignoring you and letting him know how he can fix it, or go out and buy yourself what you want and enjoy the day the way you want to! 🙂

My dh gave me my present early (a bicycle for family bicycle rides) and on Sunday we went to Church, had left overs for lunch and dinner, went for a short bike ride (boy am I out of shape!) and I spread grass seed on our yard–oh and planted some seeds. It was a nice relaxing day–nothing grand, but it was nice.

I hope next year is better for you!
 
kittery said:
Men, please feel free to chime in to help me understand his behavior. :confused:
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Well, part of it is we men (and I’m speaking in general terms) are logical creatures while women tend to be more emotional.

Me and my wife had this discussion. I am not her child. Therefore, she is not my mother. So I don’t know why I would purchase a special gift for her for mother’s day. Now helping the boys get her a gift, done and completely understandable and no problem.

I called and wished her mom a happy mother’s day because she is my mother-in-law. I called my mom and stepmom.

However, if he is also ignoring your wedding anniversary, birthday, Christmas, etc. then there is a problem. Saying “I was going to do something” is kind of like someone who always says “I was going to go to confession.” They are just not taking it serioiusly.

However, that being said, if he had the gall to buy you flowers and say “you gonna’ get those bulbs put in some pots soon or what” there are only two proper responses in my mind: 1) throw the bulbs back at him and give him a glaring look, or 2) go to the lumber section of the store and get a 2X4 and bonk him over the head with it (well, maybe not, but it might be the only way to get the message across).
 
puzzleannie said:
get over it
men are how they are

most MILs would get nothing from their son if DIL did not take care of it. Mine got her gift before she left (because she needed it for her trip).

In any case it is mother’s day, up to your kids to mark the day. You are not his mother. Now if he does this on your wedding anniversary you have permission to beat him over the head with a bag of peony bulbs
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Real compassionate, Annie. Men (especially mine) have their moments when they are about as thoughtful as cavemen, but isn’t it obvious that no effort was put into her mother’s day gift?

Any dope can stop by a CVS and pick up a card. It takes a grand total of 5 minutes.

She is the mother of his children. Are you saying that this warrants a half hearted “Happy Mother’s Day” and bulbs “wrapped” in a Lowe’s bag?
 
kittery said:
:tissues: Blessings to all of you mothers out there! I’m wondering what some of the men did for you moms on Mother’s Day. What made this the best (or worst) Mother’s Day? I want to hear the happy and the sad stories.

Mine threw a bag of peony bulbs in the cart at Lowe’s Saturday while we were shopping for sprinkler system parts, and said, “It’s Mother’s Day.”…So today, no breakfast made, no card, just bulbs tucked away in a plastic baggie. He told me Happy Mother’s Day and that I’m a good mom. As in, “Happy Mother’s Day. (hug) You’re a good mom.” At the end of the day I asked why. Why didn’t he try to make the day special? …I even own a card/flower shop!

He was uptight about getting out to see his mom for mother’s day today …I have gotten to the low point of feeling guilty for wanting to be acknowledged on these occasions. I feel like maybe I’m expecting too much. Am I?
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I don’t know if you are expecting too much or not. 🤷 I highlighted that you own a flower and card shop. I suspect that indicates you place a very high value on special occassions–probably much higher than most of us. You made a business out of helping others to celebrate special occassions. In contrast, not everyone is like that; certainly not to the extent of owning a flower and card shop. Maybe your husband feels that your expectations are too high so he doesn’t even make an attempt to meet them.

He did acknowledge his own mother, which says to me that your husband is not simply ignoring mother’s day. He bought some peonies for you, so he didn’t exactly forget you either. If planted in the right location, peonies can live undisturbed basically forever-he potentially bought you a lot more flowers than you realize. In the years to come, your children may pick those peonies and proudly give you the stem-less flower head in the same loving way my children bring me beautiful dandelions and stemless flowers.🙂

I had a wonderful mother’s day this year, but it is very hard to meet what our society leads mothers to expect. My oldest son went to early service and had a brunch going for us when the rest of us go home from Mass. The other children cleaned up the kitchen. They also gave me some plants for my garden that we bought together at a nearby plant sale. After brunch, we planted them. My husband gave his mother some similar plants, that I picked out, and he cooked dinner for all of us. Some of children also had done a mother’s day project for me with the help of another homeschooling mother I know.

I’ll note here that I had shopped for the groceries and paid for the plants–not a complaint but just pointing that out to help others keep their expectations within reason. I also bought some perfume a few weeks ago and set aside as a back-up gift for my husband to give to the children to give me–just in case he didn’t have anything else planned. I have experienced similar birthdays, aniversaries, and mother’s days to what you described. What I think helped this mother’s day be so wonderful wasn’t simply all the nice things my family did, but that I had stopped placing high expectations that ruined special days in the past. My husband isn’t naturally a sentimental guy and when I placed high expectations on him in the past, he stopped trying. When I lowered my expectations and stopped complaining about things not being good enough, things got much better.
 
I think it’s not about cards, gifts, breakfast in bed…it’s about being honored my our spouses, the way Christ honored the Church. That requires some work on our spouses’ parts, and ours, but on a daily basis–to honor them in the roles God has blessed them in. My husband has always ‘honored’ me as the mother of his children. He honors his mom in an entirely different way–I don’t compare the two. Yes, I’m not my husband’s mom, nor is he my dad…but on mom’s and dad’s day on the calendar–we tend to go out of our way a little more than usual to honor each other for the great roles we bestow in the home. My mom and dad have been gone for years–and that causes my husband to go out of his way even more, so I don’t feel so sad on Mother’s Day. Granted, I’m not altogether that sad, I have grieved over my losses, but still…my husband goes the extra mile to at least honor me–on that day–and in general. I don’t believe that a person needs a day on the calendar to ‘be honored,’ but it marks an extra special day when as a family, we discuss the beauty of motherhood or fatherhood on Father’s Day, and the awesome gift it really is. The mass even had moms stand up, and we received a round of applause.🙂

So, that is how my husband and I view these types of ‘holidays,’ they are meant to show honor to one another for the roles we possess.

As an aside, a man leaves his home and clings to his wife, so says the Bible. We are to honor our moms and dads, but we are to honor our immediate families, in an entirely different way. I think if a man takes the time to write a heartfelt card to his own mother, but turns to his wife and pats her on the back basically–it shows that he doesn’t fully understand that one can honor his/her own mom, while still showing honor (albeit in a different capacity) to his wife. Just my thoughts.

Either way kittery–I’d have a chat with him, and just share your feelings…it obviously hurt you, and I think your husband would be interested in learning how to improve in showing ways to honor one another in your roles as parents. (((hugs))) to you!
 
In any case it is mother’s day, up to your kids to mark the day. You are not his mother.
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NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!~

My xh wouldn’t give me anything on Mother’s Day and told me “You’re not my mother.” I suppose the babies were supposed to drive to the store and buy me a card?

If a man can’t once in a while honor the mother of his children, (when the woman did ALL the work to make THAT happen) then he is a worm.

Especially for those of us who are or were stay at home moms, where no one really thanks us for the thousand and one things we do every day to keep the house functioning and people healthy and life running smoothly, that one day is a chance to hear “Thanks” rather than “Where is my soccer shirt??”

Kittery, I suspect this isn’t the only area where you are treated as less than valued. That’s why it hurts. If he was thankful and thoughtful the rest of the year, this one day wouldn’t be the final kick in the teeth.

Next time, don’t buy his mother anything. Let her reap the rewards of the ungrateful SOB she raised. (Yes, I meant that. Oftentimes it’s the mother when you scratch the surface for the reasons a man behaves the way he does. I’ll bet there’s some stories there!) My ex MIL only got gifts from me. Now she gets nothing unless I feel like being magnanimous and buying something for my kids to give her. Which I didn’t this year because she hasn’t even talked to me in weeks. I’m sure her son treated her with the usual contempt he reserves for women.

Don’t raise your own children to be so thoughtless. Break the cycle.

Kittery, I suspect there is some passive/aggressive stuff going on there with your husband. He has shown you he CAN do it when he WANTS to. But YOU don’t deserve it. You know that. That’s why it hurts. But having said that, if my xh had given me peony bulbs (even if I had to plant them myself) that would have been a clue that he knew ANYTHING about what I liked. I would have been grateful for that at least.

On Father’s Day, at the end of the day, hug him. Tell him he’s a good dad. Then tell him all the stuff you thought about doing for him but didn’t have the time. See if he gets the message. Sometimes they can be taught.
 
My DH also didn’t get me a card yesterday – it was not only my first Mother’s Day but also my birthday. He’s normally very sweet but always forgets cards for my birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, even though I’ve told him I really appreciate cards. I had and have very hurt feelings. He feels badly but it’s hard to just blow it off when this has happened before.

For those of you who say Mother’s Day is just an invention of the card companies, I respectfully disagree. It is a day not only for your child/children to honor you but also for your husband to honor the mother of his children. Honoring doesn’t need to take the form of a big brouhaha or lots of gifts but I believe it should take the form of sincere appreciation, thoughtfulness and service. Those things don’t require much, if any, money, but they do require time and care.

As I said, my DH is a very sweet and kind man and not thoughtless-sounding as the original poster’s husband. So in that sense I feel very fortunate. But men need to learn that most women appreciate the “little things,” whether they sound logical or not.
 
AHapka said:
However, that being said, if he had the gall to…say “you gonna’ get those bulbs put in some pots soon or what” there are only two proper responses in my mind: 1) throw the bulbs back at him and give him a glaring look, or 2) go to the lumber section of the store and get a 2X4 and bonk him over the head with it (well, maybe not, but it might be the only way to get the message across).
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AMEN!! Frankly, my dear, you should have implemented option #2 on your caveman years ago! Men can all too often be like mules and that sometimes requires a 2x4 between the eyes–and that’s just to get their attention! The problem is not the caveman tendency–all men have it inherently–it is usually the failure of a woman somewhere in the past to train it out of them. If a man never witnessed thoughtfulness, generosity and planning in regards to gift giving and special occasions by a (properly trained) male role model as a child, he doesn’t know it as an adult and it’s up to you to teach him. If you don’t, and you have sons, you are dooming your future DIL’s to this same hell some day.

Men’s skills and efforts are usually most evident in the dating stages when everyone is on their best behaviour. Sometimes women let disappoinments over this issue slide during dating instead of being more vocal about their expectations–but it’s never too late.

I’m really sorry about your encounter in Lowe’s and am quite sure it ruined your day. Resolve now to never let it happen again and get busy training this man. He’s likely not hopeless and would probably be relieved to have the clues because believe it or not he ends the day feeling about as bad, if not worse, than you do because he knows he failed you again.

It is not necessarily all about materialism. If men are capable of planning a fishing trip, anticipating the food, gear, equipment, fuel, travel time, mapping the route, reserving lodging, contacting people they want along, etc., they are equally capable of contemplating a day’s events for your birthday or MD i.e., where you would enjoy dining, going on a bike ride, hike, a movie/play, etc…who should be included, what time reservations should be made. Giving a few suggestions is never a bad thing–then let him take the planning from there. After a bit of practice he may get so good he can surprise you and be right on target! A card is a no-brainer and 3 sentences stating something meaningful go a long way. To know the names of 3 stores in which you like shop is also a no-brainer–any man who walks in the door looking for guidance immediately has a target on his forehead, but will likely leave with something you will enjoy.

Finally, let him know getting your kids involved is always a winner. Get them to make you a card, a picture, bead bracelet or necklace, a painting–simply take a photo of them with you and frame it–so they know that because they made it or are a part of it you will treasure it. Simple, simple, simple.
 
Was he born in December or early January, by any chance?

I have noticed that people born in December/January don’t remember birthdays or special occasions, and I think the reason is that they themselves have spent their entire lives being overshadowed by Christmas - you spend your whole life getting birthday presents wrapped in Christmas wrap, and Santa coming to your birthday party and stealing all your glory, you get a bit cynical about these things, I think.

I sympathize, and I know I’m really lucky - my husband remembers things and celebrates them all the time; if he didn’t, I’d pass right by the date and forget altogether. 😊
 
puzzleannie said:
n any case it is mother’s day, up to your kids to mark the day. You are not his mother. Now if he does this on your wedding anniversary you have permission to beat him over the head with a bag of peony bulbs
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My dad never did anything for my mom on Mothers’ Day. That was my job. In my family, children get gifts for their mother on Mothers’ Day and for their father on Fathers’ Day. Birthdays, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries are the times when husbands and wives exchange presents and cards.
 
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