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Arizona_Fat_Gir
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My Mother- in- law used to go out and get lost. She could not live alone after her husband died. The scary part of it is this started when she was still in her 60s.
Feeling down..could use a hug, or some encouragement
- Thread starter Mary_Gail_36
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Mary_Gail_36
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My mom did that. She went out in the middle of night and luckily she was found by her neighbor. She had no purse or keys. She could have wandered onto the highway or into a wooded area. That was the last night she was home. My husband went to get her. She had no idea who he was or who I was when she got to my house.
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EasterJoy
Guest
That is so hard. With more “simple” dementia, it is sometimes possible to figure out what vague perception is causing the agitation, and address that, but with psychosis, there may not be any answer to that question, since the agitation is “hard-wired,” so to speak. I mean in some cases, the demented person has a disturbing thought, and gets agitated, so the thought can be addressed and they feel better and do better, but with psychosis it is more like agitation that is flailing around looking for a reason and there is not much to do but to look for a less agitation-enforcing environment for the patient until the hard-wired physical agitation wears off. There may be no way in the world to “talk them out of it.” It would be like breaking a bone in your foot and trying to “walk it off.”
I wish I could hug you right now. Find lots of hugs for yourself. Even an expert in this field would have a lot of heartache to see their own parent in this situation. The experts can help with understanding, and that helped me a lot, but understanding only does so much, as important as it can be.
Truly, this is like having a job that keeps you up for 20 hours a day. You can hardly do too much to support yourself physically and emotionally. Don’t sell yourself short. Get all the physical and emotional support you can, and guard the time and resources you set aside for it fiercely. That isn’t something to file under “want,” but “need.”
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BoomBoomMancini
Guest
Very sorry to hear you’re going through that.
Dementia is a weird thing. Doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what it affects (at least, it seems that way to me as a layman.) When my grandfather was affected with dementia in his last year, he could remember his time in the Navy from sixty years ago with perfect clarity. Tell you all kinds of stories about who this guy was, that time they went on leave in San Francisco, who did the USO show, etc. If you asked him if he ate lunch that day, he’d just laugh and go, “I don’t know. I guess so. Not hungry so I must have…”
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kptrs
Guest
:hug3:
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Roseeurekacross
Guest
Her medical team will, hopefully, take the edge off her aggressiveness.
I know it is very difficult. It is a new stage in her life and your relationship. Its ok for her to have twin boys, love childhood things. What activities does the nursing home offer?
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gardenswithkids
Guest
First off, hugs and prayers for you during this difficult time! :console:
You sold her house to have money to help care for her, but you’re the one left taking care of her “things”. Constant reminders of the situation now fill your house.
I’m not suggesting that you get rid of all her things, but find somewhere else to store them for your own peace of mind. Can you rent a small storage locker? You don’t have to sort through it any further now while your emotions are raw–just pack it up and store it somewhere other than your home. Consider the expense part of the cost of caring for her (and yourself.)
In your own home, you should be able to put on a coat and shoes without running across your mother’s wedding dress and old cards from your deceased father. I hold onto many things for sentimental reasons, but the sheer volume of sentimental items during times like this is overwhelming! I’m not saying to get rid of it altogether. For now set her things aside, put them in deep storage, then deal with them when you feel better equipped to deal with them.
There’s plenty of *emotional baggage to this situation already, and reclaiming your home from the physical baggage *might help.
Again, hugs and prayers for you!
Mary_Gail_36
New member
Yeah. The closing on the house happened very quickly. So most of the stuff was given away or thrown away. Her everyday dishes we gave away. My sister wanted to keep the china. I convinced her that we could donate most, and just keep a few pieces each.First off, hugs and prayers for you during this difficult time! :console:
You sold her house to have money to help care for her, but you’re the one left taking care of her “things”. Constant reminders of the situation now fill your house.
I’m not suggesting that you get rid of all her things, but find somewhere else to store them for your own peace of mind. Can you rent a small storage locker? You don’t have to sort through it any further now while your emotions are raw–just pack it up and store it somewhere other than your home. Consider the expense part of the cost of caring for her (and yourself.)
In your own home, you should be able to put on a coat and shoes without running across your mother’s wedding dress and old cards from your deceased father. I hold onto many things for sentimental reasons, but the sheer volume of sentimental items during times like this is overwhelming! I’m not saying to get rid of it altogether. For now set her things aside, put them in deep storage, then deal with them when you feel better equipped to deal with them.
There’s plenty of *emotional baggage to this situation already, and reclaiming your home from the physical baggage *might help.
Again, hugs and prayers for you!
I am going to consolidate all this stuff. (It’s about 4 boxes and 6 storage bins). My sister will take some things.
If it were just me, I would have gotten rid of it all, except maybe the wedding gown and the photographs. My sister kept wanting to save one more thing.
I have a storage bin that contains all the mass cards from my dad’s wake.
The closing was about a week ago. And we spent about 8 full days packing to donate, and throwing away and keeping things. She still had many things that belonged to my dad. Finding them was heartbreaking too, since he’s been gone so long.During the last few years my mom was becoming a bit of a hoarder. She had a spare bedroom with magazines from the last decade. She had a collection of jelly jars, thank goodness she washed them. But, every jar of jelly for a number of years. How much jelly could one person eat? She had about 30.
The one thing that I should have salvaged was this huge package of toilet paper. It would have been a six month supply. But I think one of the people helping us took it.
But, yes cleaning out 50 years of things and 25 years of living in a house was a huge job.
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gardenswithkids
Guest
The house sold recently–you must be exhausted!
If her move to the nursing home or care center was also recent, some of her increased confusion could relate to stress from all the changes. (Not all but some. She has dementia, but symptoms can better or worse depending on other circumstances.) It may get better, and then get worse, like a roller coaster going up and down repeatedly, perhaps even with unexpected loops and sudden drops. Hold on for the ride! Or throw your hands up and scream every now and then.
I am sorry that you are going through this, yet I want to tell you the period of time of my parents’ decline was one of intense spiritual growth for me. Parents are the first teachers, and your mommy still has important lessons to teach you.
Side note: I love, love , LOVE repetitive Catholic prayers that allow a faithful but very confused and disoriented person to occassionally join in and speak coherant words of prayer and praise.
If her move to the nursing home or care center was also recent, some of her increased confusion could relate to stress from all the changes. (Not all but some. She has dementia, but symptoms can better or worse depending on other circumstances.) It may get better, and then get worse, like a roller coaster going up and down repeatedly, perhaps even with unexpected loops and sudden drops. Hold on for the ride! Or throw your hands up and scream every now and then.
I am sorry that you are going through this, yet I want to tell you the period of time of my parents’ decline was one of intense spiritual growth for me. Parents are the first teachers, and your mommy still has important lessons to teach you.
Side note: I love, love , LOVE repetitive Catholic prayers that allow a faithful but very confused and disoriented person to occassionally join in and speak coherant words of prayer and praise.
V
vash88
Guest
:hug3:
Mary_Gail_36
New member
Thanks again. She just went in to the nursing home just a couple of months ago.
Her dementia just progressed so quickly.
In September a Social worker said she was “self directing” and could decide to live alone without assistance. We wanted to get her help. My mom totally refused.
I remember the last “actual” visit we had was in late October. We visited, she made tea, our conversation was fine, just slightly forgetful in that she was repeating things. But she seemed aware of current events. She could identify celebrities in a magazine. Her home seemed neat and smelled fine.
Our last logical phone conversation was early November. We discussed the pros and cons of purchasing a new washing machine, or repairing the one i had.
On Thanksgiving, she insisted that the film “Forrest Gump” was about her dad. And then Forrest Gump actually was her dad. And I was hiding my baby from her, because my 8 year old wasn’t my child, my child was a small baby. Oh, and if I had invited Aunt Felicia over to dinner. I don’t have an Aunt Felicia.
We contacted her doctor and her Alzheimer’s meds were increased. When she went home she seemed on her baseline. My sister visited her, and spent the day with her just a few days afterwards. That day she seemed fine, except for some odd stories.
I called to check in on her at about 8:00 pm. She told me she was going to bed and was in pajamas. She was found a few hours later wandering around her neighborhood, fully clothed, but with no purse or keys. Thank God her neighbor found her. My mom lived a few blocks from a highway, and a few blocks more of a wooded area. She hasn’t been “home” since then.
We had to change all our plans, We thought she would do well continuing to live on her own with a part-time caregiver. She always seemed “fine” at her home. We thought she seemed better at home, and leaving caused her to be more disoriented.
My aunt (her sister in law) recently told me that she met up with a mutual friend of my mom’s. My mom ranted and raved to the friend about my mom’s daughter in law was not permitting her son to visit her.
My mom doesn’t have a son.
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Elena321
Guest
:hug3:
Hello Marygail,
I’m really sorry for your situation and that this has happened to your mum.
Please dont take it personally when your mum doesn’t remember you or as being a reflection of her emotions/love for you, as this is the nature of the illness and not what her true feelings for you would be.
On top of what’s been suggested already,please also try to ensure that your mother has a medical specialist/team that understands that the Psychosis symptoms are a part of the Dementia and that it isn’t usually two illnesses-ie: having both Dementia and having Psychosis as distinct illnesses.
Unfortunately,and I assume this is due to the stigma of behavioural/Psychiatric type symptoms,the public (and sometimes families too) are often given a “sanitized version” of what Dementia is.
They are told that it is primarily an illness which involves memory loss and loss of condition,but the extreme behavioural changes or psychosis type symptoms are rarely mentioned and this can leave families confused or grossly unprepared when they start noticing such symptoms in their loved one.
It might seem hard to believe,but there are even numerous Medical Doctors who disbelieve that emerging psychosis symptoms are due to Dementia and believe theyare due to a separate underlying condition such as Schizophrenia.
Traditionally,psychosis symptoms in people with Dementia have been treated with Antipsychotics (the same medications used to treat Schizophrenia etc) but recent studies have shown that they can sometimes increase the risk of stroke and death in people with Dementia.
You probably already know all this so sorry if I am going over old ground.
There are a lot of really good resources online for communicating with loved ones with Dementia.I don’t know if it will help but I have linked a couple below anyway.
webmd.com/brain/news/20120223/dementia-some-antipsychotic-drugs-riskier-than-others#1
fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety/ucm124830.htm
theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/health/tga-restricts-dementia-drug-risperidone-following-stroke-link/news-story/1120038fd23b4e24db1d6838ebefc999
icaniwill.alz.co.uk/icaniwill/library/family-carers-and-friends/communication.html
kateswaffer.com/daily-blog/
fightdementia.org.au/national/support-and-services/carers/managing-changes-in-communication
caregiver.org/caregivers-guide-understanding-dementia-behaviors
Hello Marygail,
I’m really sorry for your situation and that this has happened to your mum.
Please dont take it personally when your mum doesn’t remember you or as being a reflection of her emotions/love for you, as this is the nature of the illness and not what her true feelings for you would be.
On top of what’s been suggested already,please also try to ensure that your mother has a medical specialist/team that understands that the Psychosis symptoms are a part of the Dementia and that it isn’t usually two illnesses-ie: having both Dementia and having Psychosis as distinct illnesses.
Unfortunately,and I assume this is due to the stigma of behavioural/Psychiatric type symptoms,the public (and sometimes families too) are often given a “sanitized version” of what Dementia is.
They are told that it is primarily an illness which involves memory loss and loss of condition,but the extreme behavioural changes or psychosis type symptoms are rarely mentioned and this can leave families confused or grossly unprepared when they start noticing such symptoms in their loved one.
It might seem hard to believe,but there are even numerous Medical Doctors who disbelieve that emerging psychosis symptoms are due to Dementia and believe theyare due to a separate underlying condition such as Schizophrenia.
Traditionally,psychosis symptoms in people with Dementia have been treated with Antipsychotics (the same medications used to treat Schizophrenia etc) but recent studies have shown that they can sometimes increase the risk of stroke and death in people with Dementia.
You probably already know all this so sorry if I am going over old ground.
There are a lot of really good resources online for communicating with loved ones with Dementia.I don’t know if it will help but I have linked a couple below anyway.
webmd.com/brain/news/20120223/dementia-some-antipsychotic-drugs-riskier-than-others#1
fda.gov/Drugs/DrugSafety/ucm124830.htm
theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/health/tga-restricts-dementia-drug-risperidone-following-stroke-link/news-story/1120038fd23b4e24db1d6838ebefc999
icaniwill.alz.co.uk/icaniwill/library/family-carers-and-friends/communication.html
kateswaffer.com/daily-blog/
fightdementia.org.au/national/support-and-services/carers/managing-changes-in-communication
caregiver.org/caregivers-guide-understanding-dementia-behaviors
Mary_Gail_36
New member
Thank you. I do understand that the psychosis is related to the dementia. She never was psychotic before, except for one instance that was a side effect of a med. The psychosis is just another symptom. The forgetful nature of the dementia I can understand. I never knew that with some it can include a psychotic component as well. One of the other women there also had a recent huge increase in psychosis. Her daughter told us that suddenly characters from TV shows were real and in the home. One was her boyfriend, and she needed to go get him.
She had been on a low dose of antipsychotic meds. The doctors stopped them because she was having negative side effects.
When I saw her this weekend, she knew my name, but I was her sister. She didn’t recognize any photos. Even when I would prompt her with the name, the name didn’t ring a bell.
But she was preparing for a trip to Italy, with Joe. Joe is my dad who passed away almost 20 years ago. Joe is a lawyer now, and is working on a huge important case. When he’s done they will go on the trip. Recently my Dad was in Russia, because he is a doctor, and was working on a cure for a disease.
E
Elena321
Guest
It’s such a heartbreaking situation and much more so because it is your own mum.:hug3:
I wish so much more funding would be put into Dementia research.
Do you know whether your mum have any moments of lucidity/clarity or has the confusion about who people are etc became a permanent state for her?
If she gets distressed if you mention “the facts” (that you are not her sister etc) have you tried going along and asking her to talk more about Joe and mention that “Joe” was a very intelligent and kind man etc?
J
JanetF
Guest
Mary Gail,
So sorry you are going through this! My 86-year old mother has just recently moved to be closer to my older sister and I. While she is able to live by herself, my sister takes care of paying her bills and taking her to most doctors appointments as mom lives closer to her than me, and I work full-time. Mom cannot drive, due to medical issues. We have no idea how long she will be able to live by herself, so we just take it day by day. I visit Mom on Saturdays to see if there is anything she needs me to do, take her to mass if she wants and sometimes we go out to dinner after.
Her short-term memory sucks! She perseverates on things that I just have to shake my head at. Other than that she is doing well and I’m thankful for that.
I have noticed especially in the last couple of years that she is simply not the same dynamic woman that I remember. I no longer ask for advice because I can’t even get through discussing the situation before she changes the subject to something rather mundane. The first few times this happened my feelings were hurt and I was perhaps even a little angry. However, she’s 86 and this sort of aging is par for the course. While it’s not as much fun to visit with her as it was just a few years ago, I remind myself that it probably wasn’t that much fun when I was a toddler either.
So the point of my rambling post is to let you know you are not alone, nor are your feelings out of the ordinary. I think it is immeasurably hard to watch a parent age because we lose them twice; once when they start losing their mental capacities, and then finally when they pass away.
So for what it’s worth, try to find things to laugh about together when you are with her, use your siblings for support, and trust that God’s plan for your mother will be fulfilled just the way it’s meant to be.
Feel free to PM if you’d like. It’s hard!!!
So sorry you are going through this! My 86-year old mother has just recently moved to be closer to my older sister and I. While she is able to live by herself, my sister takes care of paying her bills and taking her to most doctors appointments as mom lives closer to her than me, and I work full-time. Mom cannot drive, due to medical issues. We have no idea how long she will be able to live by herself, so we just take it day by day. I visit Mom on Saturdays to see if there is anything she needs me to do, take her to mass if she wants and sometimes we go out to dinner after.
Her short-term memory sucks! She perseverates on things that I just have to shake my head at. Other than that she is doing well and I’m thankful for that.
I have noticed especially in the last couple of years that she is simply not the same dynamic woman that I remember. I no longer ask for advice because I can’t even get through discussing the situation before she changes the subject to something rather mundane. The first few times this happened my feelings were hurt and I was perhaps even a little angry. However, she’s 86 and this sort of aging is par for the course. While it’s not as much fun to visit with her as it was just a few years ago, I remind myself that it probably wasn’t that much fun when I was a toddler either.
So the point of my rambling post is to let you know you are not alone, nor are your feelings out of the ordinary. I think it is immeasurably hard to watch a parent age because we lose them twice; once when they start losing their mental capacities, and then finally when they pass away.
So for what it’s worth, try to find things to laugh about together when you are with her, use your siblings for support, and trust that God’s plan for your mother will be fulfilled just the way it’s meant to be.
Feel free to PM if you’d like. It’s hard!!!
Mary_Gail_36
New member
Thank you. Recently we had lunch in her room, she was very forgetful, but she knew who I was, she was very affectionate. She insisted I take her cookies.
Since then she hasn’t been too lucid with me. My sister did say she was more lucid when she saw her last.
Mary_Gail_36
New member
Hi, I just want to pop in and ask for some prayers. Apparently my mom fell at the nursing home and bruised her arm.
She needed a set of x-rays. I asked her if she remembered what happened. She told me her mother beat her and then tried to drown her in a glass of water.
I do know my grandparents were dysfunctional in many ways. I hope she was confabulating, and not actually remembering a beating when she was young.
Yesterday she was slightly more lucid, she seemed to remember falling and seeing a doctor because she fell. She also had me confused with my sister, but she had the names of my kids all correct. She also thinks she has another grandchild and two infant boys that are in the hospital.
On Saturday she was very concerned about the infant boys and worried that her mother would get them. I had to tell her my husband was baby sitting them. She warned me to not let her mother see them.
She needed a set of x-rays. I asked her if she remembered what happened. She told me her mother beat her and then tried to drown her in a glass of water.
I do know my grandparents were dysfunctional in many ways. I hope she was confabulating, and not actually remembering a beating when she was young.
Yesterday she was slightly more lucid, she seemed to remember falling and seeing a doctor because she fell. She also had me confused with my sister, but she had the names of my kids all correct. She also thinks she has another grandchild and two infant boys that are in the hospital.
On Saturday she was very concerned about the infant boys and worried that her mother would get them. I had to tell her my husband was baby sitting them. She warned me to not let her mother see them.
G
gardenswithkids
Guest
Hi, I just want to pop in and ask for some prayers. Apparently my mom fell at the nursing home and bruised her arm.
She needed a set of x-rays. I asked her if she remembered what happened. She told me her mother beat her and then tried to drown her in a glass of water.
I do know my grandparents were dysfunctional in many ways. I hope she was confabulating, and not actually remembering a beating when she was young.
Yesterday she was slightly more lucid, she seemed to remember falling and seeing a doctor because she fell. She also had me confused with my sister, but she had the names of my kids all correct. She also thinks she has another grandchild and two infant boys that are in the hospital.
On Saturday she was very concerned about the infant boys and worried that her mother would get them. I had to tell her my husband was baby sitting them. She warned me to not let her mother see them.
Hail Mary, full of grace the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
C
chevalier
Guest
Soldier on, Mary Gail! As it says in a hymn they sing a lot at my parish, there’s gonna be sunshine yet! 
D
Demetra2
Guest
So sorry that you are going through this. But you have received good advice here and there are support groups for you to share your struggle and emotions. This is certainly very sad for you but please know that you are not alone. Jesus is always with you too. Take good care of yourself during this time and realize that everything is passing. This too shall pass. Most people are not in a nursing home for very long…less that 2 years is typical. God Bless.
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