Feeling down..could use a hug, or some encouragement

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Mary_Gail_36 said:
Hi all. Some of you have followed my post about my mother. It’s on the Back Fence called “Tall Tales and Confabulations”

Well, she’s in a nursing home because of her dementia and it’s coupled with psychosis.

Her house has been sold, and the funds will go to paying the nursing home costs etc.

My house is filled with her things right now. Dishes and glasses. Some clothing that I’ll bring her. Her wedding dress. Pictures. Cards my dad gave her.

We didn’t keep any of her furniture. We donated much of it.

My sister and I were focused on getting her help. Now she’s safe. She couldn’t live home alone. My sister and I live far from where she lived. She’s close to my home now.

But, it’s hit me now that she’s not going to get any better. She barely recognizes me. She is mad at my dad. She’s happy to have seen her sons lately. She has twin sons now. Her Dad visits. Her mom doesn’t ever visit. She is often mad and she can get aggressive. 😦 (none of these things are true. she doesn’t have twins, her parents died decades ago)

I’m feeling sad. I miss her. I used to talk to her every day on the phone. Now when I see her, she doesn’t know me. About a month or so ago, I was able to have lunch with her, quietly in her room. She gave me her cookies. She was hugging and affectionate. Now she’s faded into her psychosis that’s progressed more so than the dementia.

The other day, she was asking me if Joe (my dad) had gone off with Mr. Pooh.
“Have you seen Joe, did he go off with Mr. Pooh.” I asked her who she meant. “Mr. Pooh. Mr Pooh!” I said “Winnie the Pooh?” And she replied, “Not the bear! Mr. Pooh.”

I don’t understand how she can’t remember me, or my kids, or that my dad has died, but she can remember that Winnie the Pooh is a bear.

Thanks for reading,
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Praying for you, friend, and sending a virtual hug! ❤️
 
Thinking of you today MaryGail. I hope that the precious memories of happier times with your mom far outweigh what is going on with her now. Treasure any moments of clarity, and learn to chuckle at the stories her mind now creates. There is nothing to be done except to marvel at all the wonderful things that God has made the mind capable of. It really is amazing to think about.

I wish you and your family a pleasant day and hope that you can find peace and hope in this Easter Day.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Thinking of you today MaryGail. I hope that the precious memories of happier times with your mom far outweigh what is going on with her now. Treasure any moments of clarity, and learn to chuckle at the stories her mind now creates. There is nothing to be done except to marvel at all the wonderful things that God has made the mind capable of. It really is amazing to think about.

I wish you and your family a pleasant day and hope that you can find peace and hope in this Easter Day.
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Thank you.
 
Mary Gail,

I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I need to head over to Church to teach, so I will stop in at the Adoration Chapel and pray for you, your mom, and your other family members.

God bless you. I know it must be horrible. While my mom has another type of mental illness, she basically forgets all the good things I’ve done for her and rages at me or gives me the silent treatment. I sure hope this is not your case! You must feel so hurt. My son’s therapist told all of us to remember the really good memories and cherish them.

You are a very caring and loving daughter.
 
Seconding the advice to cherish the good memories and letting the current bad things slide. It’s hard, I know, but hang in there
 
I hope today was a better day. I decided, as my mom is not speaking to me on account of her mental illness, to write her letters (that will never be sent) about what I would typically tell her on the phone when things were better.

So, I wrote out how my son was doing. How pious he looked in his alb while alter serving. I would also say how his wisdom teeth healing are progressing, the Confirmation Mass he served, my back epidurals, the fact he’s picking his HS classes this week. Probably mention DH is busy, glad that tax season is over…you get the point.

Just writing it out releases pent up emotions I have. I don’t know if you feel that would help you, but know you are in my prayers.
 
Hi all.

Just updating. It’s been about six months since my mom’s sudden decline.

She’s actually comorbid. That means that along with her dementia she has psychotic symptoms as well that aren’t due to any infection.

She’s been on two different psychotic meds, one was giving her side effects. The newer one is basically making her a bit calmer, but still psychotic.

I saw her yesterday, she didn’t seem to recognize me at all. But something about me had her understand that she could speak to me in Italian and I’d understand. But then again, apparently she does speak in Italian a lot.

Yesterday, my dad was in jail, but then he was in a room down the hall, and then he was hunting, then she was mad at him because he gave her terrible shoes. (I had just brought her some slippers because she won’t wear her shoes). Then she told me to get out and leave. 😦

That’s how she spends her days. In six months we had just one nice visit, where she was forgetful, but knew me. She was in a happier mood that day.

Because she’s psychotic, she’s a flight risk. When the other residents have out door activities, she can’t participate because she’s erratic. She can’t visit us.

Her life is now just whatever scenario that is playing out in her head.
 
That must make you feel sad. It must be hard to see what has happened in such a short time span. And even though you know it is the disease speaking, it doesn’t always make it any easier to bear. I have no advice, just that if it helps to know others understand what you are feeling, then I do understand. I see my husband struggle with his visits to his mom. Luckily, she still knows who we are, but has forgotten much of her life. She forgets things right after we say them, and he spends much of his visit repeating himself over and over.

I will say a prayer for her, but mostly for you, Mary Gail. :hug1:
 
Thank you. My son kept a message she sent him for his birthday. Just two years ago she was able to remember his birthday, get his number and call and leave a message.

The psychotic aspects are harder than the actual dementia. Some of the other ladies also have dementia, but they’ve formed friendships it seems, they sit together. They chit chat. They act as if when I visit I’m visiting them. One lady blows me kisses and asks if I’ll dance with her when it’s time to dance. There are activities. Last Sunday there was music therapy and some patients were really seeming to enjoy themselves. She doesn’t even see them.

She’s like in a bubble of her own reality.
 
Awww, that’s good he kept it!

My MIL is not interested in socializing, but she was kind of a loner before as well.
One day when we went to visit, her roommate, who also has dementia or Alzheimer’s, was sitting near my MIL and reached over and held her hand for a minute. Neither of them spoke, then when her roommate wheeled herself away, my MIL looked at as if to say “what’s up with her?” We did get a call a couple of times that she was fighting with her previous roommate.
Mostly my MIL asks us this:

Where am I? Who put me here? When can I go home? How long have I been here?

She does admit she can’t remember anything anymore.

She will literally ask us the same thing 2-5 minutes after she last asked us.

It is a very interesting thing, the human mind.
With both your mom and my MIL, it would seem that neither of them “knows what they don’t know.” I guess that’s a good thing. 😊 For them anyway. :console:
 
I’m so saddened to read what you’re going through, Mary Gail. I’m familiar with some of what you’re going through from past experience with elderly family members, and it can be one of the most difficult things in the world to witness with someone you love. I always tried to remember that it’s not really “them” anymore, but rather the disease itself, and found it best to try not to take anything personally that was said if it wasn’t the way my loved one used to speak. Praying can help a lot, too - for them and for strength for yourself and your family to get through this rough period. I found Our Lord helps in amazing ways when we simply hand it over to Him and not try to “run the parade” as they say. I always tried to dwell on the good moments during the visits (if there were any good times) - or the sweet memories of better days (if it was a real rough visit with no happy moments) - and offer the rest up to God. I think you will find there will still be some good moments in at least some of your visits - and they will be like GOLD to cherish in your heart - both now and when your dear mother is finally at peace.

May God be with with you and all your family each and every day - and right beside you when you’re with your Mom! Peace always.
 
My family just went through this with my grandmother. “Fortunately” my mother had been let go from her job with no warning so she was able to be with her all the way until her mother passed. You are in my prayers.
 
Hey, Mary Gail, how is everything going these days? Hopefully, everything has settled into a routine by now for your mom.
 
Irishmom2 said:
Hey, Mary Gail, how is everything going these days? Hopefully, everything has settled into a routine by now for your mom.
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Thanks for asking.

Her meds have been adjusted so she isn’t as psychotic. There was a point where she was aggressive and angry. She won’t wear shoes anymore, and I had brought her some slippers. Well the slippers made her angry. She thought my dad sent them for her, and she raged that he never comes to visit, and then he sends her these shoes.

The last couple of times I saw her, she was calm. She likes to walk around her floor. She doesn’t have much recollection of the recent past especially recent past, but occasionally some glimmers come through. Like she remembered that her uncle was a barber. That must have been from her childhood,

I am just so amazed on how quickly she progressed. On Mother’s day 2016, my kids made a video with Grandma trying to teach her how to Dab.

I’m a little bit disappointed in the nursing home. The staff seem so very kind and helpful.

Some executive decisions though are not really to my liking. For example, she shares a room, which we knew would be a possibility. But she has a tiny little room and there are two beds in there. Her roommate is mostly bed ridden and she likes to disrobe. So, often I can’t get in to visit my mom in her room because the roommate has taken some part of her clothing off. I need to visit with her in common areas.

There are a number of rooms that are larger that two beds can fit more comfortably, and allow for more privacy. My mom’s room should really be a single room. 🤷

But thank you for asking. I’ll probably see her on Saturday next.
 
My MIL shares a room too. She has a smaller "half."The other woman’s family put family photos all along the window, and on the dressers–even on my MILs. They move the one pic she has there of her mom to the sink vanity. It angers me every time we go, despite my moving it back, next time, it’s at the sink again. Her roommate has a large recliner that sticks over into my MIL side, pushing the curtain over to her bed. And the kicker is, the woman is hardly ever in the room. Her husband comes and they sit elsewhere all day.

Still, the home is rated well for the area, so we really can’t complain. (Even though I just did.)

I hope that you have a nice visit next weekend. :hug1:
 
Irishmom2 said:
My MIL shares a room too. She has a smaller "half."The other woman’s family put family photos all along the window, and on the dressers–even on my MILs. They move the one pic she has there of her mom to the sink vanity. It angers me every time we go, despite my moving it back, next time, it’s at the sink again. Her roommate has a large recliner that sticks over into my MIL side, pushing the curtain over to her bed. And the kicker is, the woman is hardly ever in the room. Her husband comes and they sit elsewhere all day.

Still, the home is rated well for the area, so we really can’t complain. (Even though I just did.)

I hope that you have a nice visit next weekend. :hug1:
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We had put a number of pictures in her room. They apparently disturbed my mom, that she packed them up and put them at the bottom of the closet.

Some dementia patients don’t recognize pictures of loved ones anymore, and they cause them distress. Also, TV for my mom is now a window. If she’s watching TV she thinks the things she sees are through a window. It explains things somewhat. For a while she was obsessed with tiny horses coming through the hall ways. She must have seen a western and thought it was real.

Her confabulations are more gentle too. My dad invites her over to his house and cooks for her.
 
I’m really sorry to hear all of this; having to watch a loved one slide into dementia is one of the worst things imaginable.

When I worked as a nurse’s aid at a state nursing home my senior year of high school, we have several very distressed dementia patients who were disturbed by pictures of home and loved ones. But, they were comforted by teddy bears, old timey gospels, and pictures of childhood cartoon characters like Felix the Cat. They seemed to relate more to their very distant past. I’m sorry if you weren’t looking for unsolicited advice; I just thought I’d share.

Make sure you take care of yourself and have a good support system. You can’t be of help to anyone if you aren’t looking after yourself.
 
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