Feeling guilty over adult children leaving faith

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heppard1

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I have 5 adult children, and only one remains marginally Catholic. One a staunch athiest, two believe in God but have no active church life, One on fence between athiesm and believe if a creator.

All went to Catholic grade school and high school.
Wife and I always practiced our faith and brought children to church weekly.

Feeling deep sadness, and wondering what I did wrong, if anything.
On good terms with all children, and other than leaving Catholic religion they are generally good people.

How can I overcome feelings of failure as a parent?
 
Thankfully I have not had this problem - yet. But in this day and age, it seems to happen to many, if not most, families. So I only point out that I have not had this problem so you can take my advice with a grain of salt, not to brag.
First and foremost, pray for your kids, a lot, daily. Pray that they will come back to the faith. Pray that they will eventually be saints in Heaven.
Secondly, I think most people who have kids who fall away from the faith feel guilty about it. So make a serious and objective examination of conscience on the issue. Determine what (if anything) you did wrong in raising them in the faith. For those things you did wrong, confess them.

Examples: did you always go to regular confession? were you always positive about the Church around your children? Did you spend time explaining to them why you were Catholic? Etc, etc, etc.

edited to add: I included the “regular confession” question on my examples because I have a theory about adult kids leaving the faith (or I should say my wife has a theory about it, and I have adopted it): kids who don’t go to confession every month are much more likely to not stay Catholic when they grow up. Whenever I am lapse about getting the kids to confession, I always confess it.
 
First of all, that’s false guilt. If you did the best you could using the time, talent, and treasure you had available, then that’s what God expected.

Your children have free will, and they can choose to disregard their upbringing and the voice of the Holy Spirit. Happens all the time.

Secondly, your job now is to pray for their conversion, and be a steadfast BUT NOT NAGGING example for them. Be a joyful Christian!! Show them how wonderful, by your words and actions, it is to be a faithful Catholic!!

Lastly, think of yourself as the “Noah” of your family- you can gather your children on God’s Ark spiritually and God will honor that.

This is EXACTLY what I am doing with my two older children. They’ve not officially forsaken their faith, but the middle one especially is lukewarm.
 
Sorry to hear, it would be incorrect to think we don’t fear the same, though the first is not out of HS yet.

My uncle has a similar situation as well. I wish my cousins didn’t get caught up in the world.

I guess I keep thinking about the father in the story of the prodigal son.

I just hope if it happens to us, to be ready to welcome them home.

You’ll be told accurately, as I’m sure you have, it’s not your fault as the decision making is theirs.

That doesn’t wash the pain, but keep going back to the source of the life giving waters.

God is the source of our comfort.

A visit with a priest may give some insight as to how to converse with the subject matter if it comes up, but remember God converts, even if we are His tools.
 
heppard1 said:
I have 5 adult children, and only one remains marginally Catholic. One a staunch athiest, two believe in God but have no active church life, One on fence between athiesm and believe if a creator.

All went to Catholic grade school and high school.
Wife and I always practiced our faith and brought children to church weekly.

Feeling deep sadness, and wondering what I did wrong, if anything.
On good terms with all children, and other than leaving Catholic religion they are generally good people.

How can I overcome feelings of failure as a parent?
Click to expand...
Fr John Riccardo of the EWTN radio program “Christ is the Answer” has addressed this.

Consider that Jesus was God, He taught nothing but the truth, He was sinless, etc., but even his disciples deserted him. So, if your children don’t follow your teaching and example, don’t be surprised, but offer your intention up to the Father.
 
"Sugabee43:
First of all, that’s false guilt. If you did the best you could using the time, talent, and treasure you had available, then that’s what God expected.
Click to expand...
psalm90 said:
Fr John Riccardo of the EWTN radio program “Christ is the Answer” has addressed this.

Consider that Jesus was God, He taught nothing but the truth, He was sinless, etc., but even his disciples deserted him. So, if your children don’t follow your teaching and example, don’t be surprised, but offer your intention up to the Father.
Click to expand...
I understand these posts, and certainly do not entirely disagree with them, reassuring the OP that “its a false guilt”, that the OP did all he could. But, we do not know this. The OP does not give us enough information. In effect, only he can determine this. That’s my point of doing an examination of conscience on the issue.

Admittedly, Fr Riccardo’s comment shows that it can happen to even the best of teachers (the parents are the primary teachers of their children). An examination of conscience can bear that out or not.

The best way to get rid of guilt is to a) objectively determine if it is a false guilt or not and b) if it is not, to confess it.
 
tafan said:
I understand these posts, and certainly do not entirely disagree with them, reassuring the OP that “its a false guilt”, that the OP did all he could. But, we do not know this. The OP does not give us enough information. In effect, only he can determine this. That’s my point of doing an examination of conscience on the issue.

Admittedly, Fr Riccardo’s comment shows that it can happen to even the best of teachers (the parents are the primary teachers of their children). An examination of conscience can bear that out or not.

The best way to get rid of guilt is to a) objectively determine if it is a false guilt or not and b) if it is not, to confess it.
Click to expand...
Okay.
 
If you made the effort to teach them properly, and you set and continue to set a good example, don’t blame yourself. They are adults and they need to find their own way.

I was raised and trained by two very devout Catholic parents. Once I got into my 20s I became a lukewarm Catholic for various reasons, one of which was having to be away from my long-time, comfortable parish environment and live in a distant state with other types of parishes that were not always focused on the same things I was used to back home. Life got more complicated and eventually I just quit going to church for the most part. I know this hurt my mother and once in a while she would bring it up to me. I would always go with her when I visited her, assuming she was feeling well enough to attend, but I did not have much impetus on my own.

After she passed away, a few months went by and then I felt called back to active life in the Church by Pope Francis’ Year of Mercy and by a pilgrimage experience I had had. So I went back, knowing I would have to deal with all of the same pitfalls and headaches I did before, but this time more determined to overcome them. God has given me more grace and resources to develop coping strategies. Sometimes I think Mom is also helping to guide me from heaven. I know she would be pleased that I have “come home” but I also know she would say “Why couldn’t you have done this when I was alive, instead of causing me extra worry?”

The bottom line is that you do not know when or if the training you provided might take effect in your children. St. Augustine’s mother, St. Monica, had to put up with him living a dissolute life for a long time before he changed. Just continue to set a good example and pray for them. Don’t blame yourself. People need to find their own way and it’s often not due to anything the parents did.
 
Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. It gives me food for thought.
 
Sugabee43 said:
First of all, that’s false guilt. If you did the best you could using the time, talent, and treasure you had available, then that’s what God expected.

Your children have free will, and they can choose to disregard their upbringing and the voice of the Holy Spirit. Happens all the time.

Secondly, your job now is to pray for their conversion, and be a steadfast BUT NOT NAGGING example for them. Be a joyful Christian!! Show them how wonderful, by your words and actions, it is to be a faithful Catholic!!

Lastly, think of yourself as the “Noah” of your family- you can gather your children on God’s Ark spiritually and God will honor that.
Click to expand...
I very much agree with this. I don’t know if my mother blamed herself for my being lukewarm and falling away for a while. But I do know that my own actions as an adult had absolutely NOTHING to do with what my mother or father did when I was growing up. If anything, their actions and example were a lifeline that kept me from drifting away entirely. I would be so saddened and hurt if I thought they were blaming themselves for my own free-will actions as a grown adult. I had problems of my own that had to do with anxiety, my own moral choices, job stress, and parishes focused on different activities than the devotions I was used to. It had NOTHING to do with mom or dad.
 
As so many here are encouraging you, here is something that took some of the pressure off me, and yet…

I heard a Catholic mother on EWTN or our local catholic channel say something like this to a parent in your shoes. I’m paraphrasing, “It’s not your responsibility to raise Children who grow up to be Practicing Catholics. It is your responsibility to provide your children with Practicing Catholic Parents.”

That put it in perspective. It set the bar high, and you achieved that! God Bless you for providing a rich in Faith home for those five children. All of whom the Lord can still welcome home.

It’s still something you can do, ask Our Lady through the Rosary to use it as a Lasso to bring them Home to the Church. You can also ask St. Monica for her encouragement. Not only can she brag her son converted, he became a Bishop and, wait for it a Doctor! As TisBearself pointed out he was quite the stinker and gave her all sorts of trouble for many years before then.
 
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You have nothing to be sorry for. In fact, you raised them to be independant thinkers, now they are. True they didn’t choose your path, but they did it on their own.

Don’t lose hope, keep teaching by example, they may yet return. I left for about 40 years, then returned.

Praying for you and yours!
 
Pray for a wife or husband to your children that will lead them back to the church, my wife saved me for sure.
 
Crusaderbear said:
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You have nothing to be sorry for. In fact, you raised them to be independant thinkers, now they are. True they didn’t choose your path, but they did it on their own.

Don’t lose hope, keep teaching by example, they may yet return. I left for about 40 years, then returned.

Praying for you and yours!
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Thank you for praying.
 
I came pretty close to giving up on my faith in my early 20s. It’s not an easy age for Catholics, lots of life changes and transitions and parishes don’t really know what to do with us. Keep praying for them, pray for some Catholic friends too.
 
heppard1 said:
I have 5 adult children, and only one remains marginally Catholic. One a staunch athiest, two believe in God but have no active church life, One on fence between athiesm and believe if a creator.

All went to Catholic grade school and high school.
Wife and I always practiced our faith and brought children to church weekly.

Feeling deep sadness, and wondering what I did wrong, if anything.
On good terms with all children, and other than leaving Catholic religion they are generally good people.

How can I overcome feelings of failure as a parent?
Click to expand...
I don’t know. With those odds, I would feel like you do. It would crush me. And yes, I’d blame myself too. But at some point you give it your best and then let it alone.
They are still so young! Plenty of opportunity left to return From the prodigal world.
Pray, and pray hard…
 
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