Feeling guilty over adult children leaving faith

[JanetF]

You did your job as a practicing Catholic Parent by being just that, a Practicing Catholic Parent, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Now your job is to pray daily for the conversion of you children’s hearts.

Sending your guardian angel to chat with their guardian angel wouldn’t hurt either. I do this whenever I haven’t gotten a call in a while or whatever…

 

[tafan]

You did your job as a practicing Catholic Parent by being just that, a Practicing Catholic Parent, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. Now your job is to pray daily for the conversion of you children’s hearts.

Sending your guardian angel to chat with their guardian angel wouldn’t hurt either. I do this whenever I haven’t gotten a call in a while or whatever…

Again, I would stress that I understand and do not necessarily disagree with these thoughts about the OP. What we know though is fairly limited: they went to mass weekly and catholic schools and they always practiced their faith. But that is not all of a parent’s responsibility with regards to their children:

2225 Through the grace of the sacrament of marriage, parents receive the responsibility and privilege of evangelizing their children. Parents should initiate their children at an early age into the mysteries of the faith of which they are the “first heralds” for their children. They should associate them from their tenderest years with the life of the Church.34 A wholesome family life can foster interior dispositions that are a genuine preparation for a living faith and remain a support for it throughout one’s life.

2226 Education in the faith by the parents should begin in the child’s earliest years. This already happens when family members help one another to grow in faith by the witness of a Christian life in keeping with the Gospel. Family catechesis precedes, accompanies, and enriches other forms of instruction in the faith. Parents have the mission of teaching their children to pray and to discover their vocation as children of God.35 The parish is the Eucharistic community and the heart of the liturgical life of Christian families; it is a privileged place for the catechesis of children and parents.

I only bring this up, not to increase the OP’s guilt, but because many parents are troubled about their adult children leaving the faith. At the same time, I have seen in my brothers, sisters, inlaws, parents who only do the bare minimum: go to mass every Sunday, send them to Catholic schools or CCD. Actually, I would say that is not even the bare minimum, it is less than that, it is insufficient. And then the kids grow up and they leave the faith or at best are very lukewarm about it.

And always telling older parents: “you did the best you could” is just reinforcing for others that they did good enough.

I am not saying the OP has these failures. I said explicitly, if he is feeling guilt about the issue, he needs to objectively address that guild by doing an honest and objective examination of conscience. Then he can follow it up with confession, if need be.

But the more I think about it, just the simple answer: “You did all you could, just pray for them” seems more and more wrong to me. Certainly the OP should pray for his kids, he probably already does. But it seemed to me his main question was about his feelings of guilt. On any issue, whenever I feel guilty, someone just telling me not to because they don’t see anything I did wrong, especially when they really have no idea, does not help. But if I sit down and think about the issue in detail, go to a priest and talk it over, confess to him if needed, that always helps.

 

[Sugabee43]

I very much agree with this. I don’t know if my mother blamed herself for my being lukewarm and falling away for a while. But I do know that my own actions as an adult had absolutely NOTHING to do with what my mother or father did when I was growing up. If anything, their actions and example were a lifeline that kept me from drifting away entirely. I would be so saddened and hurt if I thought they were blaming themselves for my own free-will actions as a grown adult. I had problems of my own that had to do with anxiety, my own moral choices, job stress, and parishes focused on different activities than the devotions I was used to. It had NOTHING to do with mom or dad.

Thank you! Yes- I was the SAME way at that age. I grew up with extremely devout parents…my father was an Episcopalian priest, for heaven’s sake! And I quit going to church during college, and just thought, “I’ll get to that later”. “Later” ended up being at 27 or 28 years old. God just smacked me upside my head and said, “Get to church, girlie!!”. Once I became a parent, I realized just what torture I put my parents through during that time period, and needless to say, sought their forgiveness with great remorse.

So, no matter HOW rich, or adequate, a parent’s evangelization of their children is, a child ALWAYS has the free will to reject that.

 

[Padres1969]

Thank you! Yes- I was the SAME way at that age. I grew up with extremely devout parents…my father was an Episcopalian priest, for heaven’s sake! And I quit going to church during college, and just thought, “I’ll get to that later”. “Later” ended up being at 27 or 28 years old. God just smacked me upside my head and said, “Get to church, girlie!!”. Once I became a parent, I realized just what torture I put my parents through during that time period, and needless to say, sought their forgiveness with great remorse.

So, no matter HOW rich, or adequate, a parent’s evangelization of their children is, a child ALWAYS has the free will to reject that.

Indeed this is my view as well. My own parents did a decent job of introducing me to the Church as a child, as good as their own introduction to it was by their own parents as children at any rate. If not for my upbringing in the Church at my parents behest I would likely not have found my way back to Christ. Granted I didn’t come all the way back to the particular branch of Christianity I grew up in, and don’t anticipate I ever will, but if not for that foundation laid down by my parents I wouldn’t have found my way back at all.

 

[ItTakesAllKinds]

Sounds a lot like my family! My advice would be to evaluate if you did the best you knew how to do at the time you were doing it. If you answer “yes”, then you should have no guilt. If you answer “no”, you still shouldn’t have any guilt. This is because we are all human and we all make mistakes. I am sure you would agree that we all have the right to an adult spiritual life, or lack thereof as we decide. That is free will, right? Your kids are doing just that. If anything, maybe you should try to convert your feelings of “guilt” to feelings of “disappointment”. We all have disappointments in life. In my opinion, disappointment is hard, but it is easier to move on from than guilt. Guilt just sucks life out of you on a day-by-day, minute-by-minute basis. There is no value to it, other than what you may learn from it. It sounds like your family is grown. You have learned from it what it offered. Now it is time for you to live your life to the fullest without this weighing you down.

 

[ImmaCatholic]

I know people who were raised going to Mass every single week since infancy, they received first Communion, Confirmation, private Catholic schools etc. and yet choose to ignore a majority of Church teachings.

And then you have myself and my first cousin. We were both raised in non-religious households (although baptized Catholic as infants). I became interested in my Catholic roots when I was around 16, and have been in love ever since. Before I went to Church on my own, I hadn’t been there in over 10 years. My cousin was just confirmed two weeks ago, and also attends Church regularly. The two of us are the only ones out of our siblings that attend confessions, adorations, and Mass. He is a very intelligent young man, knows very much about the Church and history in general. He is now considering priesthood.

How did both him and I become so passionate for this, when growing up, we were not exposed to it? I still don’t know!

My point is, that no matter how Catholic, or “un-Catholic” you raise your children, in the end, they’re going to do what they want to do. It reminds me of the whole nature vs nurture idea, and that one could possibly overtake the other. In this case, you could raise the children as Catholic as you would like (nurture) but there is no guarantee that this is what they will choose to remain in.

God bless you, you sound like a very genuine, concerned and good parent. It sounds like you did a terrific job of raising them. I will pray that your children return home to the Church.

 

[Sarcelle]

There is a saying that God does not have grandchildren.

There is no guarantee that the children of the most faithful and devout Catholics will also be faithful and devout Catholics.

 

[MissRose73]

In my family, we have many members who practice their faith on a regular basis, and many who do not at all for various reasons. Some like me, had their times where we were not attending Mass on a regular basis then returned back to the faith.

My dad attended Mass only on Christmas and Easter for the longest time plus for any family things like sacraments and funerals too. He eventually returned back to regular Mass attendance about 2 years ago after his older brother and his wife asked why he was not going to Mass on a regular basis. My mother had also posed the same question to him, and his response was “No one asked me”.

Unfortunately, my sister does not go to Mass on a regular basis, and in the past few years goes only for family things where her attendance is required (funerals, sacraments). My sister stopped going after leaving home, and was not fond of certain people in her life who behaved all nice in church and then outside of it were hypocrites in her eyes. If she still feels that way, I can’t say. She supports my decisions to practice my faith.

I say we can only put it in God’s hands, and ask for St Monica’s intercession.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I know people who were raised going to Mass every single week since infancy, they received first Communion, Confirmation, private Catholic schools etc. and yet choose to ignore a majority of Church teachings.

And then you have myself and my first cousin. We were both raised in non-religious households (although baptized Catholic as infants). I became interested in my Catholic roots when I was around 16, and have been in love ever since. Before I went to Church on my own, I hadn’t been there in over 10 years. My cousin was just confirmed two weeks ago, and also attends Church regularly. The two of us are the only ones out of our siblings that attend confessions, adorations, and Mass. He is a very intelligent young man, knows very much about the Church and history in general. He is now considering priesthood.

How did both him and I become so passionate for this, when growing up, we were not exposed to it? I still don’t know!

My point is, that no matter how Catholic, or “un-Catholic” you raise your children, in the end, they’re going to do what they want to do. It reminds me of the whole nature vs nurture idea, and that one could possibly overtake the other. In this case, you could raise the children as Catholic as you would like (nurture) but there is no guarantee that this is what they will choose to remain in.

God bless you, you sound like a very genuine, concerned and good parent. It sounds like you did a terrific job of raising them. I will pray that your children return home to the Church.

Wait… why am I raising my kids Catholic then?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Sounds a lot like my family! My advice would be to evaluate if you did the best you knew how to do at the time you were doing it. If you answer “yes”, then you should have no guilt. If you answer “no”, you still shouldn’t have any guilt. This is because we are all human and we all make mistakes. I am sure you would agree that we all have the right to an adult spiritual life, or lack thereof as we decide. That is free will, right? Your kids are doing just that. If anything, maybe you should try to convert your feelings of “guilt” to feelings of “disappointment”. We all have disappointments in life. In my opinion, disappointment is hard, but it is easier to move on from than guilt. Guilt just sucks life out of you on a day-by-day, minute-by-minute basis. There is no value to it, other than what you may learn from it. It sounds like your family is grown. You have learned from it what it offered. Now it is time for you to live your life to the fullest without this weighing you down.

So no matter what… no guilt.

Got it.

 

[ImmaCatholic]

Wait… why am I raising my kids Catholic then?

Because your duty as a Roman Catholic is to bring up your children as God wanted you to and to give them the best opportunities in life. This exposure is incredible and allows them to spend their childhood in the faith that so many people, like myself, missed out on. Whether or not they choose to follow your example in their own adult life is up to them; we certainly hope that they choose to remain, but sometimes they pick the alternative, and this is what OP is distressed about.

God bless you

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Because your duty as a Roman Catholic is to bring up your children as God wanted you to and to give them the best opportunities in life. This exposure is incredible and allows them to spend their childhood in the faith that so many people, like myself, missed out on. Whether or not they choose to follow your example in their own adult life is up to them; we certainly hope that they choose to remain, but sometimes they pick the alternative, and this is what OP is distressed about.

God bless you

Do you think it makes a difference later in life for them if they are raised in a active faithful household? Do you think the retention rate is affected?

 

[ImmaCatholic]

Do you think it makes a difference later in life for them if they are raised in a active faithful household? Do you think the retention rate is affected?

There is no way to answer those two questions factually without any statistics.

Since you asked for my personal thoughts, however, I believe that raising children in an active faithful household gives a good chance of producing adults who practice the faith. There is never a guarantee, though.

 

[ItTakesAllKinds]

Do you think it makes a difference later in life for them if they are raised in a active faithful household? Do you think the retention rate is affected?

Hard to tell. It definitely could backfire on you. If you are seen as too rigid, your kids may design their lifestyles (as adults) in opposite form. This is very common. However, who they are won’t change. If you raise them to be good people, they (most likely) will always be good people. They may just not share your faith. My experience tells me that children learn more from example than anything else. So be a good example and they will learn from your actions.

 

[pensmama87]

Do you think it makes a difference later in life for them if they are raised in a active faithful household? Do you think the retention rate is affected?

It probably does, but I think the point ImmaCatholic made still stands. Even if you avoid smoking, you could still get lung cancer. If you brush and floss dutifully, you can still get cavities. You’ve reduced your chances, but there aren’t guarantees. The best you can do is the best you can do.

 

[EasterJoy]

Remember the example of St. Monica, and keep praying for them.

It isn’t unusual for someone who put light value on the religion of their childhood when they are young to return to it later, and with greater appreciation.

Pray, pray, pray for them, though. They have suffered a great loss, and need to return to the faith as surely as the prodigal needed to return.

Your children need God. Pray that they see this and come back. Don’t waste time in regret over what you might have done or could have done or couldn’t. Do what you can now and leave the rest to the Lord, including whatever pardon anyone needs.

 

[AdamP88]

I have 5 adult children, and only one remains marginally Catholic. One a staunch athiest, two believe in God but have no active church life, One on fence between athiesm and believe if a creator.

All went to Catholic grade school and high school.
Wife and I always practiced our faith and brought children to church weekly.

Feeling deep sadness, and wondering what I did wrong, if anything.
On good terms with all children, and other than leaving Catholic religion they are generally good people.

How can I overcome feelings of failure as a parent?

I’m not sure you can overcome feelings such as that. I mean, if you hold your faith dear and teach your kids that it’s a crucial element of life, and in fact, the very purpose of our lives to worship and give glory to God and that the Catholic faith is the only true way to do that, then those feelings are probably normal.

I’d say God hears your prayers for your children though. Pray through the intercession of St. Monica that they return to the faith.
I know a close friend of mine was an atheist for a long time. He would say that “God is just a crutch for the weak and those that can’t face reality.”
His mother prayed for him constantly and he eventually came back to the faith and is currently on track to be ordained a Dominican Priest.
God can use anything to make someone ultimately stronger in the faith. Just keep praying.

 

[LilyM]

Remember the example of St. Monica, and keep praying for them.

It isn’t unusual for someone who put light value on the religion of their childhood when they are young to return to it later, and with greater appreciation.

Pray, pray, pray for them, though. They have suffered a great loss, and need to return to the faith as surely as the prodigal needed to return.

Your children need God. Pray that they see this and come back. Don’t waste time in regret over what you might have done or could have done or couldn’t. Do what you can now and leave the rest to the Lord, including whatever pardon anyone needs.

St Monica was the first thing that came to mind for me too. And look who her wayward non-Catholic son turned out to be! (spoiler, for those who don’t know - St Augustine)

 

[ConfusedLucy]

It’s harder to stay Catholic when you don’t come of age in a Catholic culture. Parents can plant the seeds of faith but you get to an age when your peers have more of an influence and Catholic friends can really nurture faith.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hard to tell. It definitely could backfire on you. If you are seen as too rigid, your kids may design their lifestyles (as adults) in opposite form. This is very common. However, who they are won’t change. If you raise them to be good people, they (most likely) will always be good people. They may just not share your faith. My experience tells me that children learn more from example than anything else. So be a good example and they will learn from your actions.

My wife and I were converts.

However we raise our children as knowledgeable Catholics. We homeschool using seton. Every single night we pray the Rosary together. On Monday nights we have an adoration hour. Even at young ages we can tell that the kids will retain thier faith. Because, the relationship they have with Jesus, the Eucharist and the saints, comes natural to them. Unlike my wife and I, their first thoughts are prayerful ones. They ask to go to confession etc.
raising Catholics is more than making them go to Mass frequently. It’s fostering a love for Mass, through Jesus and the saints. They end up teaching us.
And sadly in many areas thebCatholic schools cause harm in faith development and retention.

A good friend of mine comes from a family of 5 kids. All five are incredible Catholics. I asked him one day because we were talking about it how his parents raised 5 kids who all not only retained the faith, but became shining examples to others. His answer was simple. He said his mother had an unbelievable relationship with Our Lady. That and “Catholic” was the identity of the family.

I’m fully aware as a parent that children may fall away. 1or 2 out of 5 or 6, is probably to be expected. But .5 out of 5. ( the Op mentioned that only one kid is “marginally” Catholic. Would cause guilt, deserved or not, in any parent.
Sometimes there is nothing you could have done differently. But the faith life of families who grow Catholics and those that don’t have noticeable characteristics.

The other part of the equation, and people touched on this with St Monica, is that the prodigal son is a powerful story for a reason. And theologically as true to life as it gets.
The return of the fallen away is also a frequent aspect of human nature. And the prayer of a faithful mother is one of the most powerful things on earth.