Feeling like i’m Being discriminated against by my Priest for being Autistic

[Annie]

I once was in a situation with a parish where they were very reluctant to do something that clearly needed to be done, and it was very frustrating. I later found out the gazillion things that the pastor was doing that I hadn’t known about and so understood better what the problem was. Along the way, I also discovered the huge amount of pressure the pastor was under which were unique to that parish, but each parish had its problems.

First, I don’t think this is because of your autism. I think the problem is from the pastor’s end, either because of his personality or because of pressures on him that you don’t know about.

Second, he doesn’t like people to perform the two functions. There may have been a reason he allowed the other woman to take the training despite that, but we don’t know what it is so it would be better for you to assume that it has nothing to do with you and comes from something else.

The pastor is the head of the parish. He may do a good job or he may not, but he is in charge. It is our job to accept what he says, because it is not our responsibility.

This can be extremely difficult, at least for people like me , but it is also very good for us. I have to tell myself, “Let him do his job without pestering him,” not only in the parish but also at work and with others in general. I don’t know enough about what they are doing to make a judgement.

I learned all this from experiences which included making an utter fool of myself, so save yourself and learn from my experience instead of your own

 

[Tis_Bearself]

If he’s 74 he probably won’t be there too much longer, sadly.
I’d say just grin and bear it until he retires

 

[jazzy0710]

He’s been there now for 12 years. Hasn’t really showed any signs of stopping yet. Don’t really know who they’d bring in to replace him as more than half of the priests in our diocese are retired.

 

[angel12]

I’m fed up. Im depressed. I don’t know what to do. I’ve had some tell me to confront him. I’ve had some tell me to seek advice from a priest in another community, I’ve had people tell me to go directly to the Archdiocese and make a formal complaint because where others are fusturated with him too and I’ve had some tell me to go find another church that appreciates me.

I’m lost and don’t know what to do.

It looks like there’s an awful lot going on here, but I don’t see what any of it has to do with your autism. As others have pointed out, there are a number of possible explanations.

 

[jazzy0710]

Yes there are a few things going on. I figured the more descriptive I could be about the issues the more helpful it would be. The only issue I’d say is associated with Autism is the continuous being denied for Eucharistic training.

 

[Wm777]

Every time I tell the priest I’m more than willing to take the course he tells me no that they don’t like having people do both.

I have ASD, too.

I dont know both sides to the story, but your post doesn’t seem to prove anything that necessarily discriminatory. That doesn’t mean it may not exist, but there doesn’t seem to be any direct proof of it from what you said.

One thing he may have meant, when he said, “We dont like people doing both” is - technically, people at mass are not supposed to be serving one ministry at a time…

What you said is also correct, however… People can serve in multiple ministries… and they often do, when necessity requires, even during a mass, wear multiple hats…

Usually, I have seen EMs and lectors fill two roles at a mass, or maybe a Cantor will lector at the same mass they sing at; but I have never seen an altar server do EM work alone, or a cantor do EM work, or as such… I imagine it is possible to switch around, but it doesnt seem commonly done… so that is probably what he meant when he said, “We dont like it…”

Now if he is repeatedly being a total jerk about the whole thing, speaking about the matter unreasonably, and specifically singling you out as being a problem, and so on… The point is, it has to be repeated behavior, unreasonable, and specifically directed at you in particular… then you have something material to complain about…

If you sense that is the case somehow, then you would probably do well to take the matter to the Archdiocese… and, even then, I dont know that they would listen to you… while the goal of the church is to serve the marginalized through “an option for the poor” - the church is also noted for covering things up… so it’s kind of an uphill battle we face…

I appreciate your posting. Thank you for sharing!

God Bless You!

 

[Wm777]

Maybe you’re making a mountain out of a molehill because you’re autisitic

That’s arguably discriminatory.

You’re putting her on trial, when she is only asking a valid question about a legitimate concern she has…

 

[Mary888]

There are also several other Altar servers trained in Eucharistic ministry including one of the woman I usually do altar serving with. Every time I tell the priest I’m more than willing to take the course he tells me no that they don’t like having people do both. I tell him well others do and he says yeah but we really don’t like it.

Maybe he appreciates you and has confined in you about the CC disliking certain things even if some.people.do.it.
People leaving the church are not the barometer.for.faith or a priest. Faith cannot be voted. Jesus never forced anyone to believe or His.Apostles.to stay.
Why do you just think the priest has something against you when your.only other witnesses are your own thoughts?
Get free,.overcome your.own fears.

 

[Wm777]

Is it a violation of cannon law if a priest let his feelings get in the way of a confession?

I agree with UpUpandAway on this point.

It’s true anything said in the confessional, stays in the confessional…

but if you’re going to accuse him of such a thing, you would likely have a hard time proving it… since you would have to dredge up all that old stuff, explain it, and then relate it to what he’s doing wrong… In self-defense, he could argue against it at any point, which would leave you looking bad the whole time…

The same thing has happened to me in other ways…

I think this is when the test of one’s metal comes into play… People are sinners… lay or Priest - at some point - we just have to put up with each other…

I’m sorry you’re having difficulties, though… and I wish you the best!

 

[po18guy]

Read John 6.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

He’s been there now for 12 years. Hasn’t really showed any signs of stopping yet.

But he does have to retire at some point. The Archdiocese where I live has set the retirement age at 75. Past this age, a priest can no longer be the pastor of a parish. YMMV.

 

[MikeInVA]

I have been asking for the course for 2 years now and keep getting denied for the reason he keeps telling me.

Nobody has a right to be an EMHC. The priest does have the responsibility to choose who will be EMHCs. It sounds as if the priest is fully aware of your desrire to serve. Perhaps he will ask you to be an EMHC at some time in the future.

 

[Dlee]

Just skimming through this thread, OP, you make a couple of serious assumptions toward your Priest: (1) discriminating against you because you were diagnosed autistic, and (2) discriminating against you because of a confessed sin. I’m going to address these only. Perhaps these accusations are “convenient” ways for you to find a reason for what you deem as being denied areas of parish participation. Hanging on to a confessed sin - could it be symptomatic of your diagnosis? I’d talk with your doctor to make sure your diagnosis isn’t bothering you more than you think. Blessings.

 

[TheLittleLady]

First, about fundraisers. The pastor has to use discretion because there are only so many times one can ask the same group of people for more $$. I see this with the Knights as well, the tendency to focus fundraising efforts on the parishioners.

Maybe the pastor wants more out-of-the-box suggestions. What can be done to draw in the general community to a fundraiser? Things like Bingo or Team Trivia events that are advertised to the general public can raise funds while encouraging people who are not parishioners to participate.

A big food festival could also draw in the community.

Maybe put together some ideas that “plow fresh soil”.

For serving at Mass, some thoughts.

The priest determines who is going to be an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion (side note “Eucharistic Minister” means an ordained man).

Having adult women as Altar Servers is not something common in this part of the world, this role is done by children after they receive First Communion and continued through the teen years here. Perhaps your Pastor desires to move to a more traditional Altar Server program.

Obedience, humility, these are important for all of us. These do not seem to be reasons to confront a priest or to complain to the Archdiocese.

The parish appreciating me is not the reason I am here, it is so I can serve God. Sometimes my best service is to simply pray.

 

[Wm777]

Just skimming through this thread, OP, you make a couple of serious assumptions toward your Priest: (1) discriminating against you because you were diagnosed autistic, and (2) discriminating against you because of a confessed sin. I’m going to address these only. Perhaps these accusations are “convenient” ways for you to find a reason for what you deem as being denied areas of parish participation. Hanging on to a confessed sin - could it be symptomatic of your diagnosis? I’d talk with your doctor to make sure your diagnosis isn’t bothering you more than you think. Blessings.

You’re turning the issue back on her when she is asking a valid (and an important) question (for everyone).

She’s not making assumptions about the Priest’s behavior. She has clearly witnessed a change in his behavior, which she has described well enough.

The relevant questions are thus: 1.) Why is he is being dismissive?, and, 2.) Is it repetitive? I’d also ask if it is pervasive, especially if it is repeated with respect to other parishioners, although it would be virtually impossible to know because of the seal of the confessional.

I dont think the issue is one of autistic discrimination. It seems more like he’s avoiding her because he didnt like what she said in the confessional.

My main point here is to distinguish between the disability and the sin…

You cannot hold her autistic issues against her because they do not matter in this case… He knew her and was friendly enough with her for a long period of time, so I dont think he’s got an issue with her autism… The question is more about why he’s avoiding her, particularly after the confession…

It seems to me like he should have let the matter go, but he found it hard to do…

We arent here to inquire about or hold her past sins against her; and, if he absolved her of her sins, then it doesn’t seem like he should either…

Perhaps autism played a role in motivating her actions… and perhaps he just didnt know how to respond to it…

That actually seems to be the problem here to me…

And, if we continue to hold some behaviors as “sinful” when someone is simply different or awkward… even if they are repeatedly as such… it is judging by appearances, and not judging justly…

 

[Londoner]

The only issue I’d say is associated with Autism is the continuous being denied for Eucharistic training.

You could just ask him. You could say, “Father, I have asked you several times whether I can please train to be an EMHC. You say that the reason I can’t do it is because you don’t like people to be altar servers and EMHCs. But there are people in the parish who are allowed to do both. Is it possible that one of the reasons why you don’t want me to be an EMHC is because I have autism?” I guess his options then are to say, no, it has nothing to do with it (which is the most likely), or, yes, in which case you talk about his reasons and try to understand each other’s point of view and come to some kind of resolution.

 

[Wm777]

Thank you for this very robust reply. Since I too have autism (Aspergers), I appreciate your feedback on this relevant and important topic, which many dont understand.

First, about fundraisers. The pastor has to use discretion because there are only so many times one can ask the same group of people for more $$. I see this with the Knights as well, the tendency to focus fundraising efforts on the parishioners.

That is correct…

btw, the fundraising issue is a bit off-topic… It’s common for asperger’s people to talk a LOT, and also (often inadvertently) mix apples and oranges… which results in a lot of confusion and misunderstanding of their actual intention… but…

Maybe the pastor wants more out-of-the-box suggestions. What can be done to draw in the general community to a fundraiser? Things like Bingo or Team Trivia events that are advertised to the general public can raise funds while encouraging people who are not parishioners to participate.

A big food festival could also draw in the community.

Maybe put together some ideas that “plow fresh soil”

That’s probably a better strategy.

As an accountant with Aspergers, who also does fundraising, when I started working public accounting, my biggest challenge was speaking “out of the box”.

Note that I said out-of-the box and in agreement with you… what I did not say was outside-the-box…

You see, aspies have their own inner language, but accounting and financial services are highly standardized. Anything out-of-the-box is probably more okay, but anything outside-the-box is likely to raise red flags for being awkward and unlikely…

 

[Wm777]

For serving at Mass, some thoughts.

The priest determines who is going to be an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion (side note “Eucharistic Minister” means an ordained man).

Having adult women as Altar Servers is not something common in this part of the world, this role is done by children after they receive First Communion and continued through the teen years here. Perhaps your Pastor desires to move to a more traditional Altar Server program.

Jurisdiction may play a role.

But here in the DC area - it’s very common to have ladies and girls as altar servers…

I kinda like it… They look more like angels than some guys…

Obedience, humility, these are important for all of us. These do not seem to be reasons to confront a priest or to complain to the Archdiocese.

It also takes a lot of obedience and humility to make one’s voice heard with respect to the truth.

I’m not saying she’s right, or the Priest is wrong, but I commend her for asking.

The parish appreciating me is not the reason I am here, it is so I can serve God.

BzzzZZzzttttt…

It would be absurd for them not to appreciate you…

Anyone who is called to the supper of the Lord should love one another as Christ loved us…

Sometimes my best service is to simply pray.

Amen. Good job!

 

[TheLittleLady]

It seems more like he’s avoiding her because he didnt like what she said in the confessional.

If priests avoided every person who had confessed one of the “7 deadly sins” , priests would soon be on an island with no human contact.

As far as I have learned, people on the spectrum with diagnosed Autism have trouble picking up on social ques. Perhaps this is a case of misunderstanding.

My advice, if it will cause you to have more peace, say “Father, you may not realize that I have been diagnosed with Autism. Because of this, sometimes I misinterpret social ques that others pick up on. Would you mind telling me, when is the next Extraordinary Minister training? Is it okay if I attend?”

 

[Wm777]

Wm777:

It seems more like he’s avoiding her because he didnt like what she said in the confessional.

If priests avoided every person who had confessed one of the “7 deadly sins” , priests would soon be on an island with no human contact.

As far as I have learned, people on the spectrum with diagnosed Autism have trouble picking up on social ques. Perhaps this is a case of misunderstanding.

Yes, that is correct…

A problem picking up on social cues is a good way to think of it. It’s only one way, and - even that one way - can vary from person to person. But you have the general gist of the problem, although how it manifests itself can vary.

My advice, if it will cause you to have more peace, say “Father, you may not realize that I have been diagnosed with Autism. Because of this, sometimes I misinterpret social ques that others pick up on. Would you mind telling me, when is the next Extraordinary Minister training? Is it okay if I attend?”

Everything you’re saying is fine and good, and it is how I would handle it, but the problem can be a bit weirder than you think.

Here’s a personal story.

Once I went to mass after a business appointment. I had my laptop with me, and I didnt want to leave it in the car, so I took it into mass. I had also gotten there about 20 mins early, so I ended up sitting in the pew with my laptop on my knees.

People were filtering in, and after about 10 mins the usher came up to me to ask a question. When I looked to see what he wanted, he said, “Sir, I have to ask you something, and was wondering if you could please tell me if you are a terrorist carrying a bomb?”

Pretty darn well insulted and infuriated, I looked at him bluntly, and in the most calm and deadpan voice I could fathom, I replied, “It’s a laptop.”

After mass, I realized someone had put him up to the question, so I went and apologized. He also did the same. Apparently, it was some older people in the church, who probably just didnt like the idea of a single guy sitting there alone with a laptop in a briefcase. It probably looked very awkward to them, and so they concluded I was out to blow the place up, not go to mass. To be crystal clear, I was there to go to mass, and their concern amounted to nothing more than scrupulous and judgmental behavior on their part.

I also ask - who was really to blame for the awkward situation?

I will leave the question unanswered.

But I will say this… The usher apologized for asking, and we both got a sad laugh out of it…

My thought is, if the older Priest she is describing is having a misunderstanding with her, then there needs to be some dialogue, at least so his successor doesn’t make the same mistake and can treat her better. Regardless of what ministries she serves in, it it is especially true when people serve in ministries together, so they can all stay on the same page. Although one might think he should care enough about his flock enough to ask just because he cares about his flock…