Feeling shunned

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Kateri92

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I am feeling shunned by my family. It started when my mother started having a hard time letting me go after I got married. We had several explosive arguments which were mostly me apologizing if I had hurt her and her telling me Im worthless (more or less). Since then I moved out and started living on my own with my husband. Its been several months and I have not heard from her on my birthday, thanksgiving or anytime since. I have prayed a great deal over this. I am certain she has been gossiping to relatives about how bratty and spoiled I am despite the fact I am praying daily that we find a resolve. This is because I have noticed family giving me the cold shoulder and have realized this can only be because they have gotten wind of the strife that I am having with my mom. When I have prayed about it during communion, Jesus sends peace into my soul and I feel encouraged to continue praying. This has torn our family apart. I have spent countless nights crying over this and to be honest Im not sure I want to be in contact with my mother again. She has only ever seen my flaws and if I were to regain contact I am sure she would ridicule me and guilt trip me further. I have apologized many times and despite the hurt she has caused me, she is incapable of offering the slightest apology to me. Furthermore, she refuses to forgive me for anything that hurt her (which was unintentional to begin with). I really am at a loss of what to do. I will continue to pray though. I hope her heart softens eventually. :signofcross:
 
Don’t apologize to her anymore, and don’t try to contact her for a while. It’ll allow you to de-stress, and when she no longer has you at her beck and call, perhaps she’ll begin to see the error of her ways.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just cut your losses and move on. It’s hard because you love her, but having that toxic influence in your life is not worth it. I had to do it with my mother, and I’m a lot better off.
 
Dear Kateri, it’s clear your mum, bless her heart, has issues, and that is something you can’t be held responsible for either causing — because you didn’t — or not curing somehow — because you can’t. You can already see she’s bent on holding a grudge and not forgiving, and since those are minor things if any sort of legitimate complaints at all, and you have already apologize, then there isn’t really anything more you can can’t. You can’t, for example, be expected to continue piling up grovelling apologies… or what? Fall on your sword? If people are bent on not being satisfied, then nothing will satisfy them, and in any case, it’s not your fault. You’re a good person for still having compassion for your mum and the rest of the family who are mistreating you.
 
If you don’t hear from her on Thanksgiving and you want to connect to mark the holiday, you call her. If she’s enjoyable, call her more often than those big days on which you want to reach out, but make it your job to call her on major holidays that are important to you. Otherwise, if you want to cut ties, then just let things go without contact.

I have spent a few years being pointedly shunned by family members. They came around. I don’t know that they would have, if I couldn’t have eventually just let go of what they’d done. They certainly were never going to admit what they did, let alone apologize for deliberately acting in a way that would make me feel expendable, the family outcast.

From here, I can tell you that it is best to overlook the shunning, keep the door open, and avoid perseverating on what is being done or said behind your back. Paranoia is the gift that keeps on giving, since it makes you miserable without anyone who would want to hurt you lifting a finger or giving you so much as a thought. Even when you *know for a fact *that they are out to get you (and I did know that), as one authority on sociopaths put it, “Living well is the best revenge.” They may change their minds, some day. In the meantime, why give them what they want by being miserable after they tried to make you miserable? It is better to put the damper on their passive aggression by refusing to be dragged into the mud with them. Draw boundaries that do not admit abuse, but otherwise, rise above. No matter how the other side responds or fails to–and you must give them the authority to do that or not while disengaging their ability to harm you by it–you won’t regret it.

Does disengaging from someone’s ability to harm you also do harm to your relationship? Yes, it does. You have to live with that. You can forgive–that is, you can let go of ill will over an offense against you–all by yourself. Reconciliation is a two-way job. It requires rebuilding of trust. Things don’t go back to the way they were, but a new relationship is built, instead. Don’t try to be the hero or think you can accomplish it all by yourself. It cannot be done. If it could, we wouldn’t need the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

If possible, on your part, live at peace with all. Beloved, do not look for revenge but leave room for the wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Rather, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head.” Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good. (Rom 12:18-21)
 
TheAmazingGrace said:
Don’t apologize to her anymore, and don’t try to contact her for a while. It’ll allow you to de-stress, and when she no longer has you at her beck and call, perhaps she’ll begin to see the error of her ways.

Sometimes the best thing to do is just cut your losses and move on. It’s hard because you love her, but having that toxic influence in your life is not worth it. I had to do it with my mother, and I’m a lot better off.
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Apologize and do what you can to make amends when it can be done without worsening the situation, but don’t try to repeat this over and over when the party who has taken offense does not want to reconcile.

I’d also suggest finding someone to de-brief with. It is good to have a very discrete person as your outlet. A counsellor or a friend removed from the situation is a good choice, as they aren’t so likely to be dragged down by hearing your recounting of your difficult emotions. Someone outside the situation won’t feel put on the spot to defend anyone; they can just concentrate on you and how you are feeling. That is all you want: that is, to air out your feelings, to talk about them openly, to listen to yourself and your inner talk.

If you have no one to talk to or don’t find that helpful, some also find it is helpful to use a journal so the broken heart can pour itself out in safety. Writing it out, reading it back to yourself, reflecting, and then ceremoniously burning the writing can be rather cathartic. (You can even throw a little incense on the fire, and let your cares be handed over to Heaven.)
 
Once you’re married, you have your own life to build and live, with spouse and children. An inherent part of marriage is that a man (and woman) leaves father and mother to cling to one’s spouse. There are no more ties of responsibility from parent to child. It’s the way things are.

Fact of life: toxic parents exist. If this were me, I wouldn’t even worry about it. Parents notwithstanding, I cut off toxic people whenever possible. This is what I would do if I were in your shoes.

If things are indeed as you describe, you have yourself and your family’s well-being to take care of.

Cut ties.

Do not call, do not answer. Stop the apologies. By apologizing you place her in a position of a power she does not have nor deserve. You’ve probably done nothing wrong to begin with. Do not even call her to announce you’re cutting ties; do it cold turkey. Do not have Thanksgiving and Christmas with a her around. Do not invite her, and accept no invitation from her. Do not give her the opportunity to inflict pain on yourself and your family. Maybe the silence will speak to her, or it won’t. But you have to stop her from exercising this kind of power over you. She is not worth your anguish and your tears. Take care of yourself and your family. If your mom needs help down the road with finances or illness, do so quietly, through intermediaries or siblings. But I would say, cut contact.

Is this harsh when talking about a mother? Is it hard to do? Yes. Heck yes. But it has to be said, and it has to be done.
 
Remember you only get one mother in this life, so don’t totally shut her out. You obviously love your mother and your mother loves you. Patience and prayer, and i pray God will help renew your relationship with your mother.
 
leviman said:
Remember you only get one mother in this life, so don’t totally shut her out. You obviously love your mother and your mother loves you. Patience and prayer, and i pray God will help renew your relationship with your mother.
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A sweet sentiment, but not always realistic.

Placing a wide gap between one and a toxic, unrelenting parent is often the right solution.

That can mean shutting them out completely, including, but not necessarily limited to, moving one’s family across a continent.

It is not an ideal solution by any means and not necessarily saying it’s the solution for this particular poster, but it is a legitimate one, one that some people may have to consider.
 
OP, sorry about this awful situation. You have my prayers.

My father is the same. A toxic man who used a million of ways to control me. I was anxious and had panic attacks for years and nothing I did made a difference. It went on after I got married and had my first child. At that point I just disappeared from his life. It has been five years, and while the situation is really sad, I am no longer tormented by a man who takes out his many frustrations on me. My family life is peaceful, my husband and kids are not subject to crazy behaviour.

I think that you need to think about this in terms what is best for your family. It sounds like you have done what you could and it is wonderful you are praying for her. But you are not a child anymore. See her behaviour for what it is. Pray to God for this clarity and guidance.
 
leviman said:
Remember you only get one mother in this life, so don’t totally shut her out. You obviously love your mother and your mother loves you. Patience and prayer, and i pray God will help renew your relationship with your mother.
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Correction: I have two mothers her and mama Mary. And with respect, Im not sure if I should heed this advice since she has clearly shown me she does not love me. I cannot understand how a loving mother could shun and hurt their children unless she is actually unloving.
 
My husband lost his mom, very suddenly, in May.
He had no regrets because he had Skyped her the day before (different country). He told her that he missed her and loved her. He told me once that he made it a point to Skype his parents daily; even when he didn’t want to.
The situation is different because he and his mom had great relationship. Regardless, he would tell you or anyone in a similar situation that there are no guarantees. None of us know how long we have. The time for forgiveness is now.

I have a dear friend who has had many ups and downs with her mother over the years. She believes that her mom has undiagnosed mental health issues that cause her to rage/lash out and distort things. They decided to work on their relationship. However, my friend showed me several nasty texts and played back mean voice mail messages from her mom left when they were on the outs. I asked my friend why she was hanging on to these messages if things were better and they were working on their relationship??? I told her that by doing so, she was impending her own forgiveness. 😊 Her response to me was that she NEEDED to keep these because her mom would lie and say, “I never said that!!!” And she needed proof in case that happened. :confused:

Keep praying for strength, acceptance, and reconciliation if it is Gods will, as you have been. You can only extend the proverbial olive branch, but you can’t force anyone to take it. (Even if it means YOU always have to be the bigger person) And likely you will. Pick up the phone first. You have the power to politely end the conversation if your mom turns it into something negative. Make it a rule not to rehash past hurts. When/if you start over, sometimes it means leaving the bad past in the past.
Jesus instucts us to forgive 70 X 7!!! (That’s the hard part) Glorify the Lord in all things!!! I have to remind my too!!
I know this is very painful for you. I will be praying for you! 🙂 Peace and all good!
 
Franciscan_Way said:
Keep praying for strength, acceptance, and reconciliation if it is Gods will, as you have been. You can only extend the proverbial olive branch, but you can’t force anyone to take it. (Even if it means YOU always have to be the bigger person) And likely you will. Pick up the phone first. You have the power to politely end the conversation if your mom turns it into something negative. Make it a rule not to rehash past hurts. When/if you start over, sometimes it means leaving the bad past in the past.
Jesus instucts us to forgive 70 X 7!!! (That’s the hard part) Glorify the Lord in all things!!! I have to remind my too!!
!
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I’m amazed how family troubles inspire pious people to emotional manipulation. Happens to me all the time. I hope the OP sees this for what it is.
 
Pray for her, and stay off her radar for now, as you are an occaision of sin for her. For a mom to gossip about thier child to others to the point of having them shunned shows she is a bit off.

Focus on your husband and your mutual happiness. Perhaps some day she will reach out to you.
 
Franciscan_Way said:
My husband lost his mom, very suddenly, in May.
He had no regrets because he had Skyped her the day before (different country). He told her that he missed her and loved her. He told me once that he made it a point to Skype his parents daily; even when he didn’t want to.
The situation is different because he and his mom had great relationship. Regardless, he would tell you or anyone in a similar situation that there are no guarantees. None of us know how long we have. The time for forgiveness is now.

I have a dear friend who has had many ups and downs with her mother over the years. She believes that her mom has undiagnosed mental health issues that cause her to rage/lash out and distort things. They decided to work on their relationship. However, my friend showed me several nasty texts and played back mean voice mail messages from her mom left when they were on the outs. I asked my friend why she was hanging on to these messages if things were better and they were working on their relationship??? I told her that by doing so, she was impending her own forgiveness. 😊 Her response to me was that she NEEDED to keep these because her mom would lie and say, “I never said that!!!” And she needed proof in case that happened. :confused:

Keep praying for strength, acceptance, and reconciliation if it is Gods will, as you have been. You can only extend the proverbial olive branch, but you can’t force anyone to take it. (Even if it means YOU always have to be the bigger person) And likely you will. Pick up the phone first. You have the power to politely end the conversation if your mom turns it into something negative. Make it a rule not to rehash past hurts. When/if you start over, sometimes it means leaving the bad past in the past.
Jesus instucts us to forgive 70 X 7!!! (That’s the hard part) Glorify the Lord in all things!!! I have to remind my too!!
I know this is very painful for you. I will be praying for you! 🙂 Peace and all good!
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Jesus did say to always forgive and I have. However he also said if a house doesn’t accept you to shake the dust off your feet and move on. I don’t think God wants me to subject myself to constant manipulation and anger from my mother. It is my understanding that, that is why he blessed me with a husband.
 
Kateri92 said:
Jesus did say to always forgive and I have. However he also said if a house doesn’t accept you to shake the dust off your feet and move on. I don’t think God wants me to subject myself to constant manipulation and anger from my mother. It is my understanding that, that is why he blessed me with a husband.
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Seems like you know what to do then.
 
Once you are over 18 YOU are responsible for
your own actions and your mother has no right
to question your decisions except to GIVE ADVICE.
Just forgive her and move on, thanking God for
her and your up-bringing.
 
porthos11 said:
Seems like you know what to do then.
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I guess I do. Its just hard. Im trying to accept that I will never receive the love I have craved from her. I try to make myself feel better by explaining it away. But the hurt remains. I have found that God is the only one who can ease the pain. I guess this is just a cross in my life. 😦
 
Kateri92 said:
I guess I do. Its just hard. Im trying to accept that I will never receive the love I have craved from her. I try to make myself feel better by explaining it away. But the hurt remains. I have found that God is the only one who can ease the pain. I guess this is just a cross in my life. 😦
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Don’t give up totally on your mothers’ love, trust in God because all it takes to move mountains is faith the size of a mustard seed. :bible1:
 
Kateri92 said:
I guess I do. Its just hard. Im trying to accept that I will never receive the love I have craved from her. I try to make myself feel better by explaining it away. But the hurt remains. I have found that God is the only one who can ease the pain. I guess this is just a cross in my life. 😦
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:hug1:

This is the most difficult thing. I remember the day when I finally realised that my father can’t give me love because of the way he is. And it wasn’t just me, he has never been loving to anyone in his family. It is a truly awful thing to live with such a parent, the hurt is very deep and it never really goes away. This is something we simply must live with.

God is the most wonderful source of that consolation. He will give you peace and and may I also suggest you pray for a mother figure in your life. I believe He will send you a woman who will in some way provide what you need. And of course, you have the Blessed Mother. A few years ago I had the most intense realisation that God is my father. Of course, I always knew that, but that day I truly experienced it. That healed a great part of my hurt. I also have a lovely father in law. He is a good father to my husband and a great grandfather to my kids. I think that you must allow yourself a period to grieve this loss (or the realisation that there is a loss), and to start shifting all your focus on your own family. I will pray for you and please feel free to pm me if you want to chat.
 
I know what it’s like to be shunned by a family member. Not my mother, but a sibling.

One thing we must always keep in mind is that members of our families are also individuals. Sometimes the expectation of how they should act, based on them being family, just doesn’t end up happening.

In my case, a mental health issue is suspected with my sibling. The healthiest things to do for both them and myself, is to not have a relationship and leave them in God’s loving hands.

So, leave your mother in God’s hands as best you can. Yes, she is your mother, but that doesn’t automatically mean she is going to be a healthy person in your life. It can be the exact opposite.

Sometimes we romanticize the parent/child, or any other relationship when we forget that just because someone has a certain role in our lives, it doesn’t mean it’s going to be a good one.
 
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