M
Monica4316
Guest
Hi
I know people say so often that they don’t feel worthy to be called to a religious vocation. But I’m afraid that in my case it might be so and I’m confused about all my feelings. I was wondering if anyone here had any thoughts or went through something similar…
I’m a convert to the Catholic faith. I’m in my early 20s. I haven’t always been a Christian and have lived a pretty sinful life before I converted. But also I’ve lived a very worldly life. I feel like I have so many attachments… I have some friends who are discerning religious life, and I always feel that I’m not like them… they come from such strong Catholic families, they grew up in the faith and probably haven’t done half the things I’ve done - I don’t know.
I feel like who I am on the outside and on the inside is so different. On the outside, I’m just a regular university student, and I hang out with my friends and talk a lot and laugh loudly and sometimes carry a fashionable bag or wear some makeup. My friends who are discerning are so different and so much more like Mary. I want to be more like them and don’t know how. On the inside though, I’m a really shy/quiet person and I hate sin and I want to be pure/gentle/humble like Our Lady. I feel drawn to holiness and to serving people and the poor. I have a spiritual director and I’d say he’s helped me a lot, and I try to be really open and honest, but when I’m there and talk to him I again feel so unworthy and not like all the other people he’s directing. I don’t know how to deal with this
a (non Catholic) friend told me that she doesn’t really see me as a nun, - but what she doesn’t know is that deep inside I feel so drawn to that… I do have a natural desire for marriage, and sometimes seriously wonder about that too, and there has been a guy that I liked. But at the end of the day when I go to Adoration or receive the Eucharist, or sometimes when I’m thinking about God, I just want to give my whole life to Jesus and keep nothing for myself, I want to live for Him fully whatever that means. And at those moments, marriage seems like it’s for someone else, not for me. I just want to be closer to Him and to really belong to Him in the fullest way, and leave the world for Him. And then afterwards I get afraid cause I have so many attachments and it’s not easy to leave the world. I feel so unable to, and I don’t know what my vocation is… I also feel like I have soo many sins that are getting in the way, and preventing me from loving Jesus the way I want to.
Basically what I’m saying is that deep inside I have all these desires to love Jesus completely and to be His, but I feel too weak/unable to live it out, and what makes it worse is sometimes I go through kind of intense (for me) spiritual attacks and come out of them feeling even weaker/further from Him. I also keep on getting these thoughts…that Jesus would not call me to be a nun, because I’m not good enough for that, and I’m not holy, and really all I have is this longing in me to be with Him. I’m afraid of disappointing Him with my life… but I don’t know what He wants. My family is I think expecting me to marry, and I understand why they do, of course, but inside I know Jesus has a place in my heart that just can’t be filled by anyone else.
I’m sorry this post became so long. I don’t’ think I’ve ever put this into words before, until now. I feel so happy being with Him or after Communion and that’s the best part of my life… but all my sin and worldliness is so discouraging and I feel like the most unworthy/weakest person to be called to a religious vocation, so I’m doubting that I am. But how am I to live, if I don’t find the same happiness in everything else? I’m the type of person that appreciates the little simple things, like reading a book or looking at the birds in my backyard or having coffee with a good friend. Those things make me glad but it’s totally different with Jesus. And yet I’m living in the world… does anyone know what I mean?

I know people say so often that they don’t feel worthy to be called to a religious vocation. But I’m afraid that in my case it might be so and I’m confused about all my feelings. I was wondering if anyone here had any thoughts or went through something similar…
I’m a convert to the Catholic faith. I’m in my early 20s. I haven’t always been a Christian and have lived a pretty sinful life before I converted. But also I’ve lived a very worldly life. I feel like I have so many attachments… I have some friends who are discerning religious life, and I always feel that I’m not like them… they come from such strong Catholic families, they grew up in the faith and probably haven’t done half the things I’ve done - I don’t know.
I feel like who I am on the outside and on the inside is so different. On the outside, I’m just a regular university student, and I hang out with my friends and talk a lot and laugh loudly and sometimes carry a fashionable bag or wear some makeup. My friends who are discerning are so different and so much more like Mary. I want to be more like them and don’t know how. On the inside though, I’m a really shy/quiet person and I hate sin and I want to be pure/gentle/humble like Our Lady. I feel drawn to holiness and to serving people and the poor. I have a spiritual director and I’d say he’s helped me a lot, and I try to be really open and honest, but when I’m there and talk to him I again feel so unworthy and not like all the other people he’s directing. I don’t know how to deal with this
Basically what I’m saying is that deep inside I have all these desires to love Jesus completely and to be His, but I feel too weak/unable to live it out, and what makes it worse is sometimes I go through kind of intense (for me) spiritual attacks and come out of them feeling even weaker/further from Him. I also keep on getting these thoughts…that Jesus would not call me to be a nun, because I’m not good enough for that, and I’m not holy, and really all I have is this longing in me to be with Him. I’m afraid of disappointing Him with my life… but I don’t know what He wants. My family is I think expecting me to marry, and I understand why they do, of course, but inside I know Jesus has a place in my heart that just can’t be filled by anyone else.
I’m sorry this post became so long. I don’t’ think I’ve ever put this into words before, until now. I feel so happy being with Him or after Communion and that’s the best part of my life… but all my sin and worldliness is so discouraging and I feel like the most unworthy/weakest person to be called to a religious vocation, so I’m doubting that I am. But how am I to live, if I don’t find the same happiness in everything else? I’m the type of person that appreciates the little simple things, like reading a book or looking at the birds in my backyard or having coffee with a good friend. Those things make me glad but it’s totally different with Jesus. And yet I’m living in the world… does anyone know what I mean?