Feelings Hurt by a Priest

  • Thread starter Thread starter Julia2014
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

Julia2014

Guest
Today I felt as if I did not have support from a priest and he very much hurt my feelings. So a few days ago I had emailed the priest at my old parish to see if he could meet with my daughter for her first reconciliation. I mentioned that I went to a different parish but since this parish was closer, I wanted to go there. I also mentioned that I was having trouble making it to the times for confession. He scheduled a day and time to meet with him. I showed up on the day and time that he scheduled and he was not there. The lady in the office told me just to go across the street to his house because he might have forgotten. When I showed up, he did not look happy that I was there and told me he would meet me at the church in 15 minutes. I think he had forgotten our appointment. When he showed up he asked me who I was and then started to tell me that I need to take my daughter to our home parish for confession and then told me that I must like going to the other church so why not go there. Then he asks me what church I liked more and I said neither I like them both the same but then he persists to ask me again. So that is when I said I like the parish I got to now more. He then says he will to still hear my daughter’s confession. As we go inside he stops to ask the lady if she sent us to his house? He did not look happy at all.

Some history as to why I do not go to the parish in my town. I chose to leave the parish there because I was not able to meet my and my children’s needs there. I wanted to complete my confirmation since it was something I had not done when I was younger and I was told that there was only one person doing that class and the person who was being taught does not speak English and it would not be fair to her since she is already signed up to take the class. Secondly, the religious education for the children was spoken in Spanish and at times they would forget to talk in English which made it hard for me and my children to know what was going on. So we decided to find a parish that would fit our needs and that is why we left.

How the priest was questioning me was very hurtful. I felt that he was indicating that the reason why I do not go there is because I do not like it there when that is not the case. I feel like he needs to know that he hurt my feelings and why I do not attend there. So my question is should I write him to tell him how he made me feel? Or should I just let it be? Also, I have always been told that it is okay to go to other parishes to receive reconciliation is that true? Lastly, the catholic church is like one big church so why would it not be okay to go to other parishes for mass and or confession?
 
I am so sorry for the way you have been treated. Your story reminded me of when I had my appointment cancelled by the priest then at the next appointment, he didn’t show up. I was so upset. I never got an explanation. My mother died the next day and I have never been back to that parish.

In times such as these we need to go where we are being shepherded properly. It’s why I drive an hour away for Divine Liturgy, to an entirely different diocese and Catholic church.
 
Julia2014 said:
Today I felt as if I did not have support from a priest and he very much hurt my feelings. So a few days ago I had emailed the priest at my old parish to see if he could meet with my daughter for her first reconciliation. I mentioned that I went to a different parish but since this parish was closer, I wanted to go there. I also mentioned that I was having trouble making it to the times for confession. He scheduled a day and time to meet with him. I showed up on the day and time that he scheduled and he was not there. The lady in the office told me just to go across the street to his house because he might have forgotten. When I showed up, he did not look happy that I was there and told me he would meet me at the church in 15 minutes. I think he had forgotten our appointment. When he showed up he asked me who I was and then started to tell me that I need to take my daughter to our home parish for confession and then told me that I must like going to the other church so why not go there. Then he asks me what church I liked more and I said neither I like them both the same but then he persists to ask me again. So that is when I said I like the parish I got to now more. He then says he will to still hear my daughter’s confession. As we go inside he stops to ask the lady if she sent us to his house? He did not look happy at all.

Some history as to why I do not go to the parish in my town. I chose to leave the parish there because I was not able to meet my and my children’s needs there. I wanted to complete my confirmation since it was something I had not done when I was younger and I was told that there was only one person doing that class and the person who was being taught does not speak English and it would not be fair to her since she is already signed up to take the class. Secondly, the religious education for the children was spoken in Spanish and at times they would forget to talk in English which made it hard for me and my children to know what was going on. So we decided to find a parish that would fit our needs and that is why we left.

How the priest was questioning me was very hurtful. I felt that he was indicating that the reason why I do not go there is because I do not like it there when that is not the case. I feel like he needs to know that he hurt my feelings and why I do not attend there. So my question is should I write him to tell him how he made me feel? Or should I just let it be? Also, I have always been told that it is okay to go to other parishes to receive reconciliation is that true? Lastly, the catholic church is like one big church so why would it not be okay to go to other parishes for mass and or confession?
Click to expand...
:hug1:
I’m sorry your feelings were hurt. I would let it be, since I doubt bringing this up further would help.

I think we can go to reconciliation or mass at any church for any reason. I know I’ve done that myself for different reasons. For a time, I went to several churches until I found just one I go to.
 
Julia2014 said:
Today I felt as if I did not have support from a priest and he very much hurt my feelings. So a few days ago I had emailed the priest at my old parish to see if he could meet with my daughter for her first reconciliation. I mentioned that I went to a different parish but since this parish was closer, I wanted to go there. I also mentioned that I was having trouble making it to the times for confession. He scheduled a day and time to meet with him. I showed up on the day and time that he scheduled and he was not there. The lady in the office told me just to go across the street to his house because he might have forgotten. Edited for length] When he showed up he asked me who I was and then started to tell me that I need to take my daughter to our home parish for confession and then told me that I must like going to the other church so why not go there. Then he asks me what church I liked more and I said neither I like them both the same but then he persists to ask me again. So that is when I said I like the parish I got to now more. He then says he will to still hear my daughter’s confession. As we go inside he stops to ask the lady if she sent us to his house? He did not look happy at all

Some history as to why I do not go to the parish in my town. I chose to leave the parish there because I was not able to meet my and my children’s needs there. I wanted to complete my confirmation since it was something I had not done when I was younger and I was told that there was only one person doing that class and the person who was being taught does not speak English and it would not be fair to her since she is already signed up to take the class. Secondly, the religious education for the children was spoken in Spanish and at times they would forget to talk in English which made it hard for me and my children to know what was going on. So we decided to find a parish that would fit our needs and that is why we left.

How the priest was questioning me was very hurtful. I felt that he was indicating that the reason why I do not go there is because I do not like it there when that is not the case. I feel like he needs to know that he hurt my feelings and why I do not attend there. So my question is should I write him to tell him how he made me feel? Or should I just let it be? Also, I have always been told that it is okay to go to other parishes to receive reconciliation is that true? Lastly, the catholic church is like one big church so why would it not be okay to go to other parishes for mass and or confession?
Click to expand...
I am sorry that your feelings were hurt

From what you describe, the priest did not do the best possible job in explaining to you the issues, which become evident from the rest of your post

To start at the end: because of the way the Church is structured, it can seem like it is one big Church and that one could go anywhere. But, in point of fact, one belongs to one very small part of the Church and, in virtue of that, is thereby in communion with the Church throughout the world that is in communion with the Bishop of Rome, in a communion of Particular Churches. As the subject of the Bishop of your diocese, you are in communion with the Bishops with which he is in communion, East as well as West

One belongs, canonically, to one diocese and to one parish. The parish to which you belong is determined, by canon law, geographically – unless the bishop erects a personal parish to which a person qualifies. Or with the Ordinariates derived from the Anglican Communion, one may belong to a Personal Ordinariate and, within that Ordinariate, an Ordinariate parish/mission, if one fulfills the requirements specified in law

Since you said that this parish is closer, this parish is not your “old” parish…it is surely your canonical parish, which would mean that the priest is your canonical pastor

I think the Church in the United States does a great disservice in not emphasising how canon law works with regard to the Church’s structure of jurisdiction, which is based on domicile. It does not matter where one is “registered”…it matters where one resides, with regard to the laity

It frequently happened, in fact, that my canonical parishioners would receive the sacraments in other places. They attended daily Mass, for example, near when they worked; that was more convenient and, of course, it was fine. They may have been attending five Masses per week, each weekday, at the cathedral and then Mass in their parish on Sunday but they were, at the end of the day, my parishioners and I was their pastor. I understood this and they understood this – as did the Bishop

I remember most recently a couple who told me that they would be “invisible” as each Sunday they would be with the wife’s parents, taking them to Mass and doing things for and with them, because they were elderly. Of course, this was fine, too

On the other hand, when I receive a notice that I have a parishioner who wishes to contract marriage and must have recourse to their canonical parish, my answer is “I have no knowledge of this person; s/he is non-practicing, for my perspective; s/he has never been to any function of his/her canonical parish” if actually I’ve never seen her or know of her

In point of fact, this is the priest with the cura animarum for you and your daughter. He has a pastoral obligation relative to both of you; he could not decline to hear her first confession. But he is right to question you – and most especially, the other priest – as to what is going on and why. He is the priest with the responsibility, both before God and before His Excellency, the Bishop

It is, of course, an absolute that pastoral care must be given to those who are canonical parishioners. When you went outside of the parish for preparation for Confirmation and were confirmed, the issue should have been dealt with then and there
 
I would begin by forgiving from your heart any offense you feel. I would follow this up by praying in earnest for the Priest. We have no idea how stressed and over-scheduled, if not plain overworked, today’s priests are. This can be a healing process, both for you and for him.
 
Don_Ruggero said:
I am sorry that your feelings were hurt

From what you describe, the priest did not do the best possible job in explaining to you the issues, which become evident from the rest of your post

To start at the end: because of the way the Church is structured, it can seem like it is one big Church and that one could go anywhere. But, in point of fact, one belongs to one very small part of the Church and, in virtue of that, is thereby in communion with the Church throughout the world that is in communion with the Bishop of Rome, in a communion of Particular Churches. As the subject of the Bishop of your diocese, you are in communion with the Bishops with which he is in communion, East as well as West

One belongs, canonically, to one diocese and to one parish. The parish to which you belong is determined, by canon law, geographically – unless the bishop erects a personal parish to which a person qualifies. Or with the Ordinariates derived from the Anglican Communion, one may belong to a Personal Ordinariate and, within that Ordinariate, an Ordinariate parish/mission, if one fulfills the requirements specified in law

Since you said that this parish is closer, this parish is not your “old” parish…it is surely your canonical parish, which would mean that the priest is your canonical pastor

I think the Church in the United States does a great disservice in not emphasising how canon law works with regard to the Church’s structure of jurisdiction, which is based on domicile. It does not matter where one is “registered”…it matters where one resides, with regard to the laity

It frequently happened, in fact, that my canonical parishioners would receive the sacraments in other places. They attended daily Mass, for example, near when they worked; that was more convenient and, of course, it was fine. They may have been attending five Masses per week, each weekday, at the cathedral and then Mass in their parish on Sunday but they were, at the end of the day, my parishioners and I was their pastor. I understood this and they understood this – as did the Bishop

I remember most recently a couple who told me that they would be “invisible” as each Sunday they would be with the wife’s parents, taking them to Mass and doing things for and with them, because they were elderly. Of course, this was fine, too

On the other hand, when I receive a notice that I have a parishioner who wishes to contract marriage and must have recourse to their canonical parish, my answer is “I have no knowledge of this person; s/he is non-practicing, for my perspective; s/he has never been to any function of his/her canonical parish” if actually I’ve never seen her or know of her

In point of fact, this is the priest with the cura animarum for you and your daughter. He has a pastoral obligation relative to both of you; he could not decline to hear her first confession. But he is right to question you – and most especially, the other priest – as to what is going on and why. He is the priest with the responsibility, both before God and before His Excellency, the Bishop

It is, of course, an absolute that pastoral care must be given to those who are canonical parishioners. When you went outside of the parish for preparation for Confirmation and were confirmed, the issue should have been dealt with then and there
Click to expand...
YES YES YES! Thank you Father… People have no idea the issues that come forth for the priests and the persons in the office,the religious ed team, and anyone dealing with records when people hop around.
I wold implore the OP to stick with her home parish, try to resolve whatever “issues” are there, (this most often is simply a case of misunderstanding) and become an active member there. Once a person is well known to the priest, nearly every single one is very accommodating and willing to work together for the spiritual life of the family.
 
Don_Ruggero said:
I am sorry that your feelings were hurt

From what you describe, the priest did not do the best possible job in explaining to you the issues, which become evident from the rest of your post

To start at the end: because of the way the Church is structured, it can seem like it is one big Church and that one could go anywhere. But, in point of fact, one belongs to one very small part of the Church and, in virtue of that, is thereby in communion with the Church throughout the world that is in communion with the Bishop of Rome, in a communion of Particular Churches. As the subject of the Bishop of your diocese, you are in communion with the Bishops with which he is in communion, East as well as West

One belongs, canonically, to one diocese and to one parish. The parish to which you belong is determined, by canon law, geographically – unless the bishop erects a personal parish to which a person qualifies. Or with the Ordinariates derived from the Anglican Communion, one may belong to a Personal Ordinariate and, within that Ordinariate, an Ordinariate parish/mission, if one fulfills the requirements specified in law

Since you said that this parish is closer, this parish is not your “old” parish…it is surely your canonical parish, which would mean that the priest is your canonical pastor

I think the Church in the United States does a great disservice in not emphasising how canon law works with regard to the Church’s structure of jurisdiction, which is based on domicile. It does not matter where one is “registered”…it matters where one resides, with regard to the laity

It frequently happened, in fact, that my canonical parishioners would receive the sacraments in other places. They attended daily Mass, for example, near when they worked; that was more convenient and, of course, it was fine. They may have been attending five Masses per week, each weekday, at the cathedral and then Mass in their parish on Sunday but they were, at the end of the day, my parishioners and I was their pastor. I understood this and they understood this – as did the Bishop

I remember most recently a couple who told me that they would be “invisible” as each Sunday they would be with the wife’s parents, taking them to Mass and doing things for and with them, because they were elderly. Of course, this was fine, too

On the other hand, when I receive a notice that I have a parishioner who wishes to contract marriage and must have recourse to their canonical parish, my answer is “I have no knowledge of this person; s/he is non-practicing, for my perspective; s/he has never been to any function of his/her canonical parish” if actually I’ve never seen her or know of her

In point of fact, this is the priest with the cura animarum for you and your daughter. He has a pastoral obligation relative to both of you; he could not decline to hear her first confession. But he is right to question you – and most especially, the other priest – as to what is going on and why. He is the priest with the responsibility, both before God and before His Excellency, the Bishop

It is, of course, an absolute that pastoral care must be given to those who are canonical parishioners. When you went outside of the parish for preparation for Confirmation and were confirmed, the issue should have been dealt with then and there
Click to expand...
Thankyou, Don Ruggero, for this detailed explanation of the structure of the church with respect to parishes. I’ve been in the church for thirty years as an adult and never seen it explained so well.

As a personal note, in our first year of marriage my ex-wife was unhappy with the parish closest to our first home so I accommodated her desires to attend mass at our previous parish, which was more to her liking. She soon became unhappy there also, and stopped attending regularly. When it came time for the baptism our first child (at the end of the first year of marriage), she wanted the child to be baptised in our previous parish. I insisted that it be in our current parish, bearing in mind that my (ex-)wife was no longer attending the previous parish. This was the first major fight of our marriage, and has always bothered me. With your information, I am more confident that my instinct that the child be baptised in our local parish was correct.
 
Don_Ruggero said:
I am sorry that your feelings were hurt
Click to expand...
Ditto.

[ASIDE:]
Don_Ruggero said:
One belongs, canonically, to one diocese and to one parish. The parish to which you belong is determined, by canon law, geographically – unless the bishop erects a personal parish to which a person qualifies. Or with the Ordinariates derived from the Anglican Communion, one may belong to a Personal Ordinariate and, within that Ordinariate, an Ordinariate parish/mission, if one fulfills the requirements specified in law

Since you said that this parish is closer, this parish is not your “old” parish…
Code: 
it is surely your canonical parish
, which would mean that the priest is your canonical pastor
Click to expand...
With due respect, this is not necessarily true*. Church buildings are not necessarily located centrally within their parish boundaries. I can point to many instances of people who live closer to a neighboring parish’s church building than to their own.

(* If we are all using the word *parish *informally to mean parish church building.
If, on the other hand, we are speaking formally of parishes, then it is just misleading to describe one’s location as *“closer to one than the other” *rather than "in one and not the other"
:twocents:)

tee
[END OF ASIDE]
 
One of the Spiritual Works of Mercy is to bear wrongs patiently.

I would forgive this priest and offer up any pain he has caused you for the sake of his soul.
 
Isn’t a parish a demographic area?
That’s what that word means around here.
We call the building the “parish church”.
The parish is the area in square miles in which Catholics reside and are (shold be ) enrolled as members.

but then, I realize EVERYTHING is different here in the south, from the many posters that speak of the way things are done elsewhere.
 
pianistclare said:
Isn’t a parish a demographic area?
That’s what that word means around here.
We call the building the “parish church”.
The parish is the area in square miles in which Catholics reside and are (shold be ) enrolled as members.

but then, I realize EVERYTHING is different here in the south, from the many posters that speak of the way things are done elsewhere.
Click to expand...
Very true, and I wonder why that is…
 
Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to my thread. Last night I took some time to reflect back on the situation and today I have been feeling so much better. I prayed for myself and the priest.

Thank you Don Rugger for the information that you provided. It was the first time I have heard about canonical parish.

I went to my “canonical parish” for most of my childhood on and off and when I got older and wanted to be more involved and attended every day of holy obligation (of course every sunday). This I did there for 5 years there. I had felt very connected to the priest who was there at the time. After he left is when I started to have not so pleasant experiences with a couple different priests and it was not just me but my children did to. I was ignored when I asked for help several times. Because of this, I was actually considering leaving the catholic church until my husband talked to me about going to another catholic church and not giving up. The parish that I go to now have been very supportive of meeting my needs and my children are very happy there and they cannot wait for Sunday to come. I feel that if my children continue to have unpleasant experiences at my “canonical parish” then they might move away from the catholic church to a different kind of church or worse, not go to church at all. I know a few people who have left the church due to similar situations which is unfortunate.

I cannot help but wonder if situations such as these, is this why many people are choosing to leave the catholic church. I love the catholic faith and try to live by it and sometimes it is hard for me to even think about the thoughts I had about leaving the church due to my experiences. Who wants to be somewhere were they do not feel support and cared about.

Again, thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. 🙂
 
Priests are not any different than other people, and often, they lack most of the information. They get accosted by people with an “issue” and shoot from the hip, based on what they perceive the problem to be.
A visit over a cup of coffee may go a long way to clarifying what happened to you, and the reasons why.
Likely this was a huge misunderstanding of how things work.
I work in a Church office.
We once had a non-participating woman call the priest in the middle of the night wanting him to come out and bless her brother’s dead body.
Priests don’t do that. The time fro anointing was while he was still alive. 3 AM and he’s deceased? It could have waited until morning for a visit with the bereaved.
When awakened, yes, the priest was a bit short with her. :o
She vowed never to return to the parish and went to the next parish over trashing the previous parish every chance she got.
Please note:
I am in no way saying you did anything as extreme as this!

but this is typical of the kinds of “problems” that occur.
Give the original pastor a chance.
You may be VERY pleasantly surprised.

God bless you!
🙂
 
Don_Ruggero said:
I think the Church in the United States does a great disservice in not emphasising how canon law works with regard to the Church’s structure of jurisdiction, which is based on domicile. It does not matter where one is “registered”…it matters where one resides, with regard to the laity
Click to expand...
Father, is it possible for a Bishop to grant permission in his Diocese for individuals to be licit parishioners of any parish they happen to register at? This is surely the widespread practice in these United States.

My own parish is not a territorial parish, but is one to whom students and staff and alumni of a particular University can naturally belong … and those who happen to register there.
 
Julia2014 said:
How the priest was questioning me was very hurtful.
Click to expand...
I sincerely would encourage you to not let this episode bother you. Priests can be tired and cranky and frustrated and overworked and who knows what else. You don’t need to justify yourself to him or to anyone else simply because he may have been blunt. On the other hand, I don’t think he particularly needs to justify himself either. Folks are folks, and very few are living saints who are constantly practicing heroic virtue. We have to let go of the fear of pain, and embrace a little bit of suffering in union with Christ.
 
Thanks everyone for the replies. Just in case anyone is wondering, I am not going to other people, in the community or other churches and talking bad about this parish or the priests in it. I came on here to hear others opinions about these situations and I am open to hearing all opinions.

I think what possibly effects me in the way I see priests differently as to how I see “regular” people is I see priests as more in closely relating to Jesus is. I also see them as counselors, someone I can approach without obviously being judged on assumptions. I know that they are very busy, however, it was still hurtful.
 
Julia2014 said:
Thanks everyone for the replies. Just in case anyone is wondering, I am not going to other people, in the community or other churches and talking bad about this parish or the priests in it. I came on here to hear others opinions about these situations and I am open to hearing all opinions.

I think what possibly effects me in the way I see priests differently as to how I see “regular” people is I see priests as more in closely relating to Jesus is. I also see them as counselors, someone I can approach without obviously being judged on assumptions. I know that they are very busy, however, it was still hurtful.
Click to expand...
No one said you were running around.
In fact, I specifically said that this is NOT the what I was saying. I was trying to make you understand that the priests get swamped with special requests. Placing anyone on a pedestal is problematic. Respect them, and don’t think that they can’t handle a frank conversation.
Forgive, and maybe even make friends with him. You won’t regret it.
peace
 
pianistclare said:
No one said you were running around.
In fact, I specifically said that this is NOT the what I was saying. I was trying to make you understand that the priests get swamped with special requests. Placing anyone on a pedestal is problematic. Respect them, and don’t think that they can’t handle a frank conversation.
Forgive, and maybe even make friends with him. You won’t regret it.
peace
Click to expand...
I probably should have worded my previous post better because I knew that you were not saying that I was running around say bad things, sorry. I just wanted to clarify for others who might have thought otherwise. In my main post, I feel, might look that way to some. Thanks again for your replies to my post. I really do appreciate them :).
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top