Feelings hurt by my Husband

[GhostMan]

I suspect that another poster is right and your husband likes the attention that he perceives she is giving him.

Now, he seems to be a bit thick, as I’d have expected him to pay attention when you pointed out that it bothered you. Dismissing your feelings was poorly done.

I’m going to suggest you foregoe the lug-wrench comment and assume that you might want to get your husband on your side. I’ll let you in on a little secret: men have this huge ego-fullfillment thing when we’re in “protective” mode. You have to convince him that he is protecting you when he confronts behavior that you find to be unacceptable. This isn’t manipulating him anymore than wearing an alluring outfit when you’d like a little romantic attention is. You’re just going to trigger a known response.

Tell him how hurt she makes you feel, don’t talk about how hurt he makes you feel, you’re looking to change his behavior, not elicit a fight. Ask him to help you, tell him you don’t know what to do. He’ll hop into problem solver mode and start doing things - probably small at first. Give him positve feedback about every tiny step. Stroke that ego, if you will.

Men are really simple when you get down to it. That’s not a kncok, it’s who we are. We are not generally complex creatures that have many conflicting emotions. Harness his natural inclinations and he’ll come around.

That being said, I’m not defending him, mind you, just giving you a suggestion for this problem.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

i am sure she is not the only friend that they have… so if she is not being paranoid about just about everyone slighting her, he should not have any issues with one woman not being in their house becos she is not being respected in the house…

anyways, he is supposed to be prioritizing her first and then everyone else… just my :twocents:

Of course he should not have any issues with this woman not being in her home because he *should *be putting his wife’s feelings first…but then there is reality:shrug:. If he doesn’t respect her feelings and “have her back” he is NOT going to understand her not allowing this woman in their home and is likely to feel controlled and just get angry.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Good advice! Up the praise, cut out the criticism and get him to help you solve the problem. Now if we women could just apply this easy advice to our troubles with our husbands life would be great (Men aren’t the only ones who can be a bit clueless…speaking for myself here)

I suspect that another poster is right and your husband likes the attention that he perceives she is giving him.

Now, he seems to be a bit thick, as I’d have expected him to pay attention when you pointed out that it bothered you. Dismissing your feelings was poorly done.

I’m going to suggest you foregoe the lug-wrench comment and assume that you might want to get your husband on your side. I’ll let you in on a little secret: men have this huge ego-fullfillment thing when we’re in “protective” mode. You have to convince him that he is protecting you when he confronts behavior that you find to be unacceptable. This isn’t manipulating him anymore than wearing an alluring outfit when you’d like a little romantic attention is. You’re just going to trigger a known response.

Tell him how hurt she makes you feel, don’t talk about how hurt he makes you feel, you’re looking to change his behavior, not elicit a fight. Ask him to help you, tell him you don’t know what to do. He’ll hop into problem solver mode and start doing things - probably small at first. Give him positve feedback about every tiny step. Stroke that ego, if you will.

Men are really simple when you get down to it. That’s not a kncok, it’s who we are. We are not generally complex creatures that have many conflicting emotions. Harness his natural inclinations and he’ll come around.

That being said, I’m not defending him, mind you, just giving you a suggestion for this problem.

 

[gardenswithkids]

That’s what I’m thinking…crazy thing is this lady is forty years old…way to old to be that mean.

I wonder why she hates me

My guess is because you married the guy she wanted.

 

[whatevergirl]

It sounds to me (old married lady of 34 yrs) as if this woman is flat out jealous of you and has a thing for your husband. Men can be thick about things like this; he may also enjoy the attention.

Be sure you give him plenty of attention, but let him know exactly how this makes you feel - “I feel very slighted by this woman, especially in our own home, and it hurts me that you don’t support me in this.”

agreed…

 

[Sierrah]

My guess is because you married the guy she wanted.

I would watch out for this woman she probably likes your husband more then she should or will admit to herself.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

This woman has carried a torch for your husband for 22 years? She’s been dissing you for how long? She’s not married? How often does she come over and flirt with him in front of you and pretend you aren’t there?

This is what I would do… join them at the table. Talk to her right in front of your husband. Monopolize the conversation. MAKE her have to answer questions. MAKE her have to look at you. If she doesn’t, turn to him in front of her and say, “See? I told you she was rude to me in OUR own home! It’s time for her to leave.”

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

If she talks to you, then you have forced her to acknowlege you and made it a little victory.

I’m really kind of scared of someone who has such a mental tie to a man that 22 years after graduation she’s treating someone’s wife with such hostility.

Your husband sounds like a problem of a different color if he brings a single woman into your house and soaks up the attention in front of you, while you do what? Wait their table?

 

[jman507]

Men belong to a different emotional species. They are from a different planet. Forget about having “hurt feelings” over this.

You want him to notice something? Show him a lug wrench. He’ll notice THAT.

I thought that too. Males in general tend not to be as skilled at recognizing these social games, unless they really care too. I’m sorry, I’m guessing he’s just not going to understand your hurt feelings on this. Your explination may as well be spoken in Russian, he may not just never really understand the whole thing. This may be where you need your girlfriends, or maybe even this forum, to help you vent. If you want him to do something about the situation, you and your SIL may need to sit him down and explain what to do.

 

[MCGar]

Go on an offensive in your own home and have your sil on your side.

Constantly try to chat and talk with her, ask her direct questions that she has to answer with more than a yes or no question. Do this while being very nice and smiling.

She mildly flirts with your husband? Stick like glue to him when she’s around and laugh at her jokes, even if they aren’t directed towards you. Ask her more questions and be talkative. If she looks like she’s not paying attention, then say, “Oh, did you hear what I said? The bla bla bla movie is going to be showing next week, what do you think of it?”

Keep at her and keep at her, don’t let up.

Is it unchristian? I don’t think so, you are standing up to be respected in your own home and showing her subtlely if she wants to ignore the host in her own home then it’s going to be UNCOMFORTABLE. More than likely she’ll either warm up to you or decide that she’s too uncomfortable to be around you and decide to hang around people that are more of her own ‘ilk’.

As for your husband…sooner or later you are going to have to be direct with him.

“DH, do you TRUST me? yes or no?”

“If you TRUST me, then believe me when I tell you she’s disrespecting me and I no longer want us to be around her. Don’t argue with me or try to change my mind, just TRUST me.”

Good luck!

 

[whatevergirl]

Why have someone over who is potentially coveting your husband, and is rude repetitively to you? I wouldn’t analyze it too much…she just wouldn’t be welcome. I have enough real friends, this person is not one. Just my thoughts.

((hugs to you though in the meantime!))

 

[1ke]

About my husband…I don’t understand how he didn’t notice. It makes me feel invisible…if my SIL hadn’t noticed he might not believe me still…why is he so oblivious? Is that a man thing or just him…

Lillith. He is choosing to ignore her behavior because she flirts and flatters him. He is obtaining something emotionally from her, or he would not seek out her company and allow her to treat you disrespectfully.

She is also getting something out of it too, or she wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. Old high school pals, my foot, IMHO she is carrying a torch for him. She insinuates herself into his life through your SIL, treats you rudely, and flirts with him.

I’d confront her head on. Trust me, she’d be put on notice that she is NOT welcome in my home any longer.

 

[mariam1976]

Lillith. He is choosing to ignore her behavior because she flirts and flatters him. He is obtaining something emotionally from her, or he would not seek out her company and allow her to treat you disrespectfully.

She is also getting something out of it too, or she wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. Old high school pals, my foot, IMHO she is carrying a torch for him. She insinuates herself into his life through your SIL, treats you rudely, and flirts with him.

I’d confront her head on. Trust me, she’d be put on notice that she is NOT welcome in my home any longer.

this is my opinion too… u dont need such friends around!!!

its one of these friends who ultimately ended up ruining my marriage even though my ex was to be blamed too…

 

[Guitar]

I’m sorry, I’m guessing he’s just not going to understand your hurt feelings on this. Your explination may as well be spoken in Russian, he may not just never really understand the whole thing. This may be where you need your girlfriends, or maybe even this forum, to help you vent. If you want him to do something about the situation, you and your SIL may need to sit him down and explain what to do.

I can see that this is sensible advice, but at the same time, I dont see why he needs to “understand” anything other than the fact that his wife is upset about something that he is in part able to prevent upsetting her any further.

In my own home, I don’t care whether my husband understands or empathises or even thinks I ought or ought not to be upset - bottom line is I am a free-thinking adult human being, and within reason, if something upsets me, all he needs to know is that I am upset, and that matters because I matter. Same the other way round - if he’s mad about something I don’t get, what matters is that he is mad and if he wants my help in fixing it, within reason, he gets it, because it matters to him. Its not OK to dismiss it because it doesn’t also get me mad. I might as well say, “you’re stupid” to his face, for all the message that would send.

I don’t get this business that when something’s bugging the fairies out of you you can only expect help from a spouse when they “approve” of your being bugged.

Me, I’d refuse to have anyone in my house that ignored me, male or female, and if he wanted to talk to such a person he would be taking himself someplace else to do it because that person would not be crossing my threshold.

Prayers for the OP and her husband, I can well imagine how you feel.

 

[Mystic_of_God]

This is the situation:

H has a high school friend who is also best friends with my sil who totally snobs me everytime we run into her. She won’t look at me, does not acknowledge me when I speak, has never spoken to me now that I think about it.

Smells like teen spirit. She’s an adult now.
You should probably take her aside and have a few words with her. (My mother and grandmother have lots of chutzpah, and I do too. )

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t ever think a woman should scold another woman in cases like this…she should just not be permitted in the home. This is not a friend…this is someone who is interested in the OP’s husband. He is the one I would be a bit miffed with…If my husband was seemingly enjoying the flirtations of another woman, he’d be the one who would I’d discuss things with–not the woman. This isn’t high school…or the Jerry Springer show. I guess I am of a different opinion. This woman is not a personal good friend of the OP’s…this is a high school friend of her dh. She just doesn’t belong in their lives, if she is showing signs like this. If she behaved in a truly friendly way–to everyone–both the OP and her dh…it would be different. But, she is clearly overstepping her boundaries–and high school’s over. The OP’s husband should tell the ‘friend,’ that HE DOESN’T LIKE THE WAY SHE IS TREATING HIS WIFE. The one who is more culpable for the behavior and the potential encouragement of it, is the husband. Just my thoughts.

 

[whatevergirl]

This actually doesn’t sound that far off from when my husband and I were first married…I had a good male friend from high school…and he had a good female friend, who was also a friend of the family for years. My husband didn’t like me continuing to even talk with this male friend…but I didn’t have that much of an issue with this female friend…UNTIL…she started calling the house, and asking for my husband, without even a ‘how are you’ to me. She actually asked him to do things without me, and of course, dh refused. He finally told her THAT HE FELT UNCOMFORTABLE with the level of contact, and eventually…their friendship drifted off. She has been married several times since then, we have been invited to most of her weddings. I liked her very much, but the MINUTE my husband saw that she was trying to start something…he nipped it.

Married men and women should take note of their spouses feelings…and really put those feelings first. I never thought of ill of this woman, but I just wanted to share this, because it parallels this thread, and as you can see…it had a happy ending. I just think that your husband should be the one to tell this woman to knock off her behavior, or frankly, she’s not welcome. My husband would expect me to do the same if the tables were turned. I have a feeling your husband, Lillith, wouldn’t like it, if an old male friend from high school of yours came around, and snobbed on him and flirted with you. Nope…I don’t think he’d be diggin’ it.:dts:

 

[jman507]

I can see that this is sensible advice, but at the same time, I dont see why he needs to “understand” anything other than the fact that his wife is upset about something that he is in part able to prevent upsetting her any further.

In my own home, I don’t care whether my husband understands or empathises or even thinks I ought or ought not to be upset - bottom line is I am a free-thinking adult human being, and within reason, if something upsets me, all he needs to know is that I am upset, and that matters because I matter. Same the other way round - if he’s mad about something I don’t get, what matters is that he is mad and if he wants my help in fixing it, within reason, he gets it, because it matters to him. Its not OK to dismiss it because it doesn’t also get me mad. I might as well say, “you’re stupid” to his face, for all the message that would send.

I don’t get this business that when something’s bugging the fairies out of you you can only expect help from a spouse when they “approve” of your being bugged.

Me, I’d refuse to have anyone in my house that ignored me, male or female, and if he wanted to talk to such a person he would be taking himself someplace else to do it because that person would not be crossing my threshold.

Prayers for the OP and her husband, I can well imagine how you feel.

Yeah, that is my point. He doesn’t really need to understand her feelings. He really doesn’t even need to understand the situation to try to remedy it, but chances are he’s not going to have any idea what to do if he doesn’t understand the issue. In that case, she may just have to tell him what to do; the SIL can help the case that something is going on for real, even if he doesn’t see it. Granted I know, your expecations are he should accept the argument by fiat, but since support is there it may just be easier to remedy this case especially in the light it is really annoying. An arguement like that can be saved until later. It’s not a bad arguement, but there has to be sometime to build that trust.

I don’t want to bring this up since it may derail the thread, but I will, because I think it is significant regarding the topic itself. There can also be the case where someone sees something that really isn’t there, to a point that may need to be tempered if it is abused. I could really see that being an issue if there is an excessive amount of possessiveness. Possessiveness though it may seem a bit loaded of a term, isn’t in-itself is a bad thing. I’m not saying this is the case in this instance, but it can be. Unfortunately lots of things can get left out in these threads, it may be the case – I don’t think it is in this case though.

 

[drafdog]

Exactly who is letting this thing into your house? Isn’t there a lock on the door? Next time she shows up, politely tell her she is no longer welcome in your house. Then, close the door. DON’T LET HER INTO YOUR HOUSE. Make sure that your husband understands that this will be your standing response to the woman’s presence on your doorstep. (When you have told him this, make him repeat what you said to be certain that he heard you.)
If he lets her in, make sure he knows that you have left the house. Then go to the nearest mall and buy the nicest outfit you can find. Show him the price tag and thank him profusely for it. Do this every time she shows up. She comes in; you go out; you buy expensive clothing; you thank him for the nice outfit.
He’ll soon figure out that there is a price for flirtation.

Matthew

 

[whatevergirl]

Exactly who is letting this thing into your house? Isn’t there a lock on the door? Next time she shows up, politely tell her she is no longer welcome in your house. Then, close the door. DON’T LET HER INTO YOUR HOUSE. Make sure that your husband understands that this will be your standing response to the woman’s presence on your doorstep. (When you have told him this, make him repeat what you said to be certain that he heard you.)
If he lets her in, make sure he knows that you have left the house. Then go to the nearest mall and buy the nicest outfit you can find. Show him the price tag and thank him profusely for it. Do this every time she shows up. She comes in; you go out; you buy expensive clothing; you thank him for the nice outfit.
He’ll soon figure out that there is a price for flirtation.

Matthew

LOL! This post made me laugh…

 

[CountryMom27]

I just wanted to offer an alternate theory. I don’t mean to diss men everywhere, but it’s been my experience that most guys don’t pick up on social subtleties. I could be at a party with my husband, and tell you exactly who just had a fight, who is about to divorce, who is trying to get pregnant, who just got promoted, what have you. He barely notices what anyone is wearing! And this is a guy who works in market research - he has his PhD in watching consumer behavior!!!

I’ve seen the same thing in my brother, my BILs, my dad, male friends. It’s a “gift” that women have to pick up on these things. Ever notice that women “haze” by emotional ploys, whereas when guys “haze” it’s usually physical?

That’s a long-winded way of saying give him the benefit of the doubt, that he doesn’t get why this bothers you and that’s not a sign that he doesn’t care about your feelings. He just doesn’t get it. And that’s ok. There will be lots of things he doesn’t get, things you don’t get - that’s marriage.

Now for her, I have found the absolute best method for dealing with catty, petty, not-nice women. Be oblivious. Completely oblivious - not to her, no, that would give her satisfaction. To her ploys and her behavior. Act as if you were Mary Poppins - clever but not noticing if she is dissing you. You don’t have to be sweet to her - just polite. But if she makes a nasty comment, be wide-eyed and pretend you don’t get it.

One of two things will happen. One, she will be so frustrated that she can’t get a rise out of you that she will just cut it out or go away. Or two, she will become more obvious, so much so that she will look like the sort of person she really is.

Lastly, you can pray for her pettiness, that she will someday get beyond her foolishness and live a more genuine, loving life.