Fertile on the Wedding Night

[Aggies08]

It it helps, at least she’s not beginning her period… yeah.

PP the other posters. If you’ve discerned you are not ready, then just wait one more night.

Frankly, there will always be “something.” It’s our anniversary, Spouse is going on a business trip for 2 weeks, our last chance before a serious surgery, we are going to the in-laws for 2 weeks at Christmas and sharing the room with the cousins…etc.

You either believe in the sanctity of the marriage bed, or you don’t. Following beliefs when they are convienent doesn’t speak to conviction.

 

[camerong]

To all those who have said “your reasons are not good enough,” shhh! You’re just as bad as those who tell my wife and I we shouldn’t have had children so close together. What do you know about his family? How can you understand he and his fiancee’s prayerful discernment? The OP hasn’t said they’re delaying children so they can buy nicer cars or travel.

To the OP, if you wish to abstain, as others said, it is really, really no big deal. If you’re having a fairly big wedding, just hang out with everyone a bit longer than you otherwise would, and by the time you get to the room, you’ll likely be so exhausted you’ll have no problem collapsing in sleep. Dance, drink champagne (in moderation), eat, laugh, have fun, and I really don’t think this would be an issue.

 

[Kit15]

(2) Our presumption right now, however, is that we are going to abstain from intercourse on our wedding night. This is a huge bummer for both of us, since we’ve both seen intercourse as the culmination of the wedding day and the fulfillment of our wedding vows for months now, and we have really been anticipating it. I’m worried it will put a bit of a pall over our wedding, and that it will lead to a very awkward and difficult end of the night, when we both get in the same bed at a swanky hotel for the first time in our lives and proceed to do… absolutely nothing. It just strikes me right now as unutterably disappointing, and I know my fiancee feels the same way. Do you guys have any advice for us for making the abstinent wedding night bearable, or even fun? I’m sure that we’re not the first NFP users in history to encounter this!

I can only speak anecdotally…but I don’t think it’s a big a problem as you think. DH and I spent a lot of the night in a state of “oh my gosh we’re actually married!!! I get to wake up tomorrow with you at my side!!! Tomorrow we’re going to Disney World!!!” . We enjoyed some champagne, talked about the wedding, attempted sex but didn’t get far with that (it hurt too much and we were too exhausted to work at it). Looking back I really don’t feel like the night was ruined due to lack of consummation that night. The whole thing was just so new. I’m sure the night will be enjoyable!

For what it’s worth, it’s great that your bride will be unquestionably infertile during your honeymoon! My cycles are wildly irregular so ours was in fertility limbo with no idea whatsoever when ovulation would happen. We joke about how it was a good thing we went to Disney World instead of someplace quiet and secluded so there was plenty of fun to be had outside the bed.

 

[mdleagedguy]

This post simply reinforces the problem that WeddNiteDilemma had with your first post.

It’s hard to realize that some people can be just as right as you even if they don’t follow the path you followed.

What makes you think it’s so different of a path? I am writing from experience. It sounds remarkably like the same path I took. I would be remiss not to say something. If only someone had said something to me.

 

[vames]

How you start a project can affect how that project proceeds later. It can take years to get over the early mistakes. I’m sure you will protest this, however by your actions you will be starting a marriage afraid of your own wife’s fertility.

There isn’t ANY “mistake” in not wanting a pregnancy right from the FIRST intercourse of their life! Another poster criticized them for “not being open to life” after six long years - but, folks, these six years haven’t been spent living together and having sex as a mature married couple! They are both virgins and the future wife hasn’t even finished graduate school! How can be people so obtuse? If the OP and his future really weren’t open to life, does anyone think that they would have bothered with NFP?

To the OP: Many congratulations to you and your future wife! And ignore the posters who insist on trying to make you feel guilty. Be free to spend the wedding night joking, walking, talking, dancing until you drop - you won’t be disappointed
One little observation: you said “the odds that we would get pregnant from a single act of intercourse” and “one act of intercourse would be a very small risk”; but every one little single act is enough for a pregnancy to appear, in other words the risk doesn’t start from the second or the third act.

 

[Allegra]

My wife and I didn’t ahem on our wedding night. We were both too tired from all the activities of the day. Just plan a fun busy day. You’ve waited 6 years, a few more days shouldn’t ruin anything. Just make the focus of the few days something else (like getting an early start on your joint tax return, government paperwork has a way of killing the “mood.”)

Same here. Our first time was in our own bed at home. We both felt much more comfortable there. By the same token, our wedding was in a hotel in a different town than where we lived and the same hotel was full of our friends and relatives, running up and down the halls all night. Awkward.

 

[Khalid]

The chance of conception is non-zero. It is in fact quite high. Abstain. (I’ll get reamed for this from the all the quiverfull folks here ducks and covers.)

 

[PaulinVA]

What makes you think it’s so different of a path? I am writing from experience. It sounds remarkably like the same path I took. I would be remiss not to say something. If only someone had said something to me.

The OP is being faithful to the Church and I’m sure that they would accept any baby that comes to them whenever - that is the definition of “open to life”.

I would much rather let this young married couple start their life in communion with the Church and not deride them for the decision that they have made. I rejoice that another couple is starting their marriage by not contracepting. I have been using NFP for over twenty years (to conceive and to avoid) but did not start at the beginning of my marriage. This couple, and others like them, are awesome in my book

 

[SonCatcher]

My wife and I were fertile on our wedding night and for the next several, as well.

We did abstain that time and survived. It was a challenge but worthwhile for us.

If you do not abstain then you should be ready to accept a child. It’s really between you two.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My wife says “You’re just scared, dude. Jump on in.”

Seriously, after six years you’re not ready for kids? There’s never a time when we think we’re “ready”. You still have the illusion that you’re in control. You say that you’re “open to God’s will in our marriage, and will joyfully cooperate in whatever he sends us”. Well, in that case be open to it and joyfully cooperate in it. A loving Catholic couple will end up having a ton of kids if they are both healthy and fertile. That’s just the way it is. They will come when they will come. When you are older, you could well be wishing you had more kids. With eight, we still wish we had another baby.

I have serious concerns that you are starting your marriage with a stance that children need to wait for you to get all of your ducks in a row. If you’re getting married, you should already be ready for the children who will inevitably result, and often sooner than you want them too. My wife and I wanted to delay children. Thank God they came right away. Our oldest two are great people! I would hate to think how my life would have been if my puny little plans had worked out. You’re getting married. Make love on your wedding night. If you don’t, I have several uncharitable things that I will refrain from typing.

Seriously? You don’t know the OP at all, or their situation. But yet you feel like you’re in a position to pass judgement on their readiness to have children?

If she’s still in grad school there’s a good chance Ramen is on the menu most nights a week and she is putting some very long hours in to her schoolwork. Or, perhaps one or both of them has a medical condition that would make it impossible to care for children at this time, or maybe a mental health professional has told the bride to put off having children until she can function for nine months without her meds, or maybe she just quit smoking and wants to be clean for a year or so before getting pregnant, or maybe one or both of them just had a sick or elderly parent just move in with them and they have to figure out how to best take care of them before bringing an infant in to the picture, or maybe it wouldn’t be physically safe for her to have a baby right now. There are so many reasons why someone would be ready to get married but feel that it was best to put off having children.

In saying that they are not open to life by using NFP you are saying that every Catholic couple who uses it is not open to life (and I am inclined to agree with you), but that isn’t what the Catholic church teaches at all. You really have no place to stand in judgement of him and his situation. Just because everything worked out for the best for you in your circumstances does not mean that his are different.

 

[Faith0]

It is up to both of you. If you both know that there is possibility of her becoming pregnant that night then wait for the next day. There will be many nights like that. That will just be an introduction of what your marriage will be filled with always and forever and that is patience and love… Culminate your marriage on the next day if that is the best bet for the both of you. There is nothing wrong with that.

Blessings!

 

[Moore11]

This is why I never post in Family Life. It seems there is a huge contingent of people here who are do not just question the prudential judgement of another couple they’ve never met (which is fair enough, and which I would do if I read a post like mine from somebody else), but are happy to chuck that prudential judgement completely out the window, instruct the couple to start makin’ babies, and damn the consequences! Otherwise they’ll think uncharitable things about you!

Using Natural Family Planning to avoid pregnancy, when “just reasons” exist, is cooperating in God’s will. That’s why Catholics are permitted to use it. Catholics have been blessed with the special gift of right reason (a gift of the Holy Spirit!), and it is the holy duty of spouses to use it. It may be a cross at times, just as having kids may be a cross at times. If it’s a cross on my wedding night, so be it. I’m not asking you to prove to me the cross doesn’t exist; I’m asking you how I can make it lighter to bear.

A larger point: I know many big Catholic families, and many of them are very happy. It’s wonderful, and I wish big families were not so scorned by our mainstream culture. Other big Catholic families of my acquaintance, however, are deeply dysfunctional, deeply miserable, and (after many years) now deeply alienated from the Church. They were brought into the world by parents who, presumptuously, believed it would all work out just because they really wanted to have sex with each other. And it assuredly did not. They believed themselves to be having so many children because of generosity – but it was really a form of unchastity. They abandoned reason to overindulge their licit marital desires, and, rather than raising six saints, raised twelve fierce enemies of the Church.

So, yes, some are called to parent big families. But some, assuredly, are not. The prejudice leveled against small Catholic families (for prejudice is what it has become in forums like this) has got to end.

My wife-to-be and I are not in control of our fertility. If we are given a child in a time of expected infertility, then it was God’s will and nothing could be better. If He believes our plans are ill-made, He will shatter them, and I look forward to whatever He decides. But we are in control of our genitals, and we will not rashly ask for children with them if, after prayerful consideration, we consider it unwise. We will not “jump on in.”

All the same, thank you (and your wife) for your honest advice.

EDIT: Thanks also to CallMeCatholic. I love Papa Bene, but boy do I miss JPII.

Let me get this strait. You create an anonymous account to ask a personal question to anyone on the internet ab out sex. Then you state that you are upset because someone dared to question why after 6 years of dating that you did not want kids yet. Now, your reasons may indeed be valid but what is not valid is you getting upset that someone on these forums is questioning them!
It isn’t “judging” as much as trying to find out some information to give good advice! time to get some thicker skin! Honestly, the advice might actually be that you could have kids now or not. You can’t customize the medium to jerryrig the answer you want.

In response to your original questions.

1. It would seem to me to risk it is getting off on the wrong foot! Are you really saying you want your first time with your wife to be under fear (founded or unfounded) of a pregnancy?
2. If that is what you are focused on about what makes a “wedding night” then abstaining with NFP will only get harder.

Either make the decision to be open to having a child. Or dont. But dont start off on the wrong foot of putting sex before God’s will. To do that will only end in an epic NFP failure.

Actually I dont see what the big deal is. What the dilemma is.

1. you either have sex during a fertile time or
2. you dont.

 

[Cariethra]

I can understand not wanting children right away. It is nice to get used to being a married couple first. I got pregnant our second week of marriage, since it happened so quickly, we had a lot of family who said that I was pregnant before we were married. It hurt us so much, we worked extremely hard to not have sex before marriage.

There is nothing wrong with waiting a couple of days to make sure. If it was God’s plan for you to have a child right away, you would no matter what you tried.

 

[Moore11]

If it was God’s plan for you to have a child right away, you would no matter what you tried.

The rest of your post was spot on. But this. This is just silly. I guess if God’s will is for anyone to have a child birth control would not matter, neither would sterilization by mutilation.
Many Many many people try to use your logic to defend ABC.

 

[fpt]

Hey, all. I’m a semi-regular at CAF, but I made this throwaway because, while I’m happy to debate apologetics under my real name, I’d rather not post the intimate deals of my sex life on the internet for all to see.

Anyway. After six years dating the most wonderful woman in my life, I’m getting married on Dec 29th. We’ve done the Catholic thing and (if I may say so) we’ve done it well: we’re still both virgins, and we are using Creighton Model NFP. While we are open to God’s will in our marriage, and will joyfully cooperate in whatever he sends us, we both believe that it is not quite time for us to start raising children. We will be using the method to avoid pregnancy for a little while while she finishes graduate school.

Unfortunately, my bride is fertile right now and has not yet had her Peak day. That means that, even if she has her Peak tomorrow, Dec 26th (which is by no means a sure thing), Dec 29 will still be her Peak+3 – the final day of fertility. According to the method, that is her last day of fertility, and therefore we should abstain.

I have two questions for the family experts here:

(1) Does anyone know what the odds are that we would get pregnant from a single act of intercourse on a Peak+3 day? We would hate to start our marriage by violating the method on the very first night, and we will not do it if it would seriously compromise the plan we’ve prayed over and agreed upon. But, if this one act of intercourse would be a very small risk, we might consider making this single exception for an exceptional day. (And then follow the method perfectly after that forever.)

(2) Our presumption right now, however, is that we are going to abstain from intercourse on our wedding night. This is a huge bummer for both of us, since we’ve both seen intercourse as the culmination of the wedding day and the fulfillment of our wedding vows for months now, and we have really been anticipating it. I’m worried it will put a bit of a pall over our wedding, and that it will lead to a very awkward and difficult end of the night, when we both get in the same bed at a swanky hotel for the first time in our lives and proceed to do… absolutely nothing. It just strikes me right now as unutterably disappointing, and I know my fiancee feels the same way. Do you guys have any advice for us for making the abstinent wedding night bearable, or even fun? I’m sure that we’re not the first NFP users in history to encounter this problem!

Thanks very much for your advice. And if you could spare an ave for us on the occasion of our nuptials, it would be much appreciated!

**
Do you know the concept of the creative abstinence? **

 

[gardenswithkids]

…After six years dating the most wonderful woman in my life, I’m getting married on Dec 29th. We’ve done the Catholic thing and (if I may say so) we’ve done it well: we’re still both virgins, and we are using Creighton Model NFP. While we are open to God’s will in our marriage, and will joyfully cooperate in whatever he sends us, we both believe that it is not quite time for us to start raising children. We will be using the method to avoid pregnancy for a little while while she finishes graduate school.

Unfortunately, my bride is fertile right now …

Tomorrow’s the big day! Best wishes on your upcoming marriage!

As someone said, the choice is either you abstain on your wedding night or you don’t. Some things to keep in mind as you and your bride make these very personal decisions:

1. Children are a gift of marriage. Just as many of the people who attend your wedding will bring gifts, remember that God likes to give wedding gifts too.
2. The words “fertile” and “unfortunately” don’t belong together. Fertility is blessing. If your bride is fertile, it is a blessing. Always keep that in mind when using NFP. A healthy wife is usually only occassional fertile, while a healthy husband is always fertile. If you treat her fertility with love, honor and respect, she is more likely to treat yours that way.
   Fertility is good. <-----Remember that!
3. Since you and your bride feel that postponing pregnancy is best at this moment, you have some most beautiful gifts to offer God–your bride’s fertility and her virginity on your wedding night. God doesn’t get too many gifts like that these days.

If you decide to abstain on your wedding night after prayfully reflecting on this matter, I believe God will gratefully accept your very generous gift and use it for good. If you decide not to abstain but invite God into your bridal chamber, He will accept your generous gift and use it for good.

As to your request for an ave:
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

 

[Moore11]

Tomorrow’s the big day! Best wishes on your upcoming marriage!

As someone said, the choice is either you abstain on your wedding night or you don’t. Some things to keep in mind as you and your bride make these very personal decisions:

1. Children are a gift of marriage. Just as many of the people who attend your wedding will bring gifts, remember that God likes to give wedding gifts too.
2. The words “fertile” and “unfortunately” don’t belong together. Fertility is blessing. If your bride is fertile, it is a blessing. Always keep that in mind when using NFP. A healthy wife is usually only occassional fertile, while a healthy husband is always fertile. If you treat her fertility with love, honor and respect, she is more likely to treat yours that way.
   Fertility is good. <-----Remember that!
3. Since you and your bride feel that postponing pregnancy is best at this moment, you have some most beautiful gifts to offer God–your bride’s fertility and her virginity on your wedding night. God doesn’t get too many gifts like that these days.

If you decide to abstain on your wedding night after prayfully reflecting on this matter, I believe God will gratefully accept your very generous gift and use it for good. If you decide not to abstain but invite God into your bridal chamber, He will accept your generous gift and use it for good.

As to your request for an ave:
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

That was awesome.

 

[maltmom]

Have a blessed wedding day!!

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen

 

[sdeco]

This is why I never post in Family Life. It seems there is a huge contingent of people here who are do not just question the prudential judgement of another couple they’ve never met (which is fair enough, and which I would do if I read a post like mine from somebody else), but are happy to chuck that prudential judgement completely out the window, instruct the couple to start makin’ babies, and damn the consequences! Otherwise they’ll think uncharitable things about you!

Using Natural Family Planning to avoid pregnancy, when “just reasons” exist, is cooperating in God’s will. That’s why Catholics are permitted to use it. Catholics have been blessed with the special gift of right reason (a gift of the Holy Spirit!), and it is the holy duty of spouses to use it. It may be a cross at times, just as having kids may be a cross at times. If it’s a cross on my wedding night, so be it. I’m not asking you to prove to me the cross doesn’t exist; I’m asking you how I can make it lighter to bear.

A larger point: I know many big Catholic families, and many of them are very happy. It’s wonderful, and I wish big families were not so scorned by our mainstream culture. Other big Catholic families of my acquaintance, however, are deeply dysfunctional, deeply miserable, and (after many years) now deeply alienated from the Church. They were brought into the world by parents who, presumptuously, believed it would all work out just because they really wanted to have sex with each other. And it assuredly did not. They believed themselves to be having so many children because of generosity – but it was really a form of unchastity. They abandoned reason to overindulge their licit marital desires, and, rather than raising six saints, raised twelve fierce enemies of the Church.

So, yes, some are called to parent big families. But some, assuredly, are not. The prejudice leveled against small Catholic families (for prejudice is what it has become in forums like this) has got to end.

My wife-to-be and I are not in control of our fertility. If we are given a child in a time of expected infertility, then it was God’s will and nothing could be better. If He believes our plans are ill-made, He will shatter them, and I look forward to whatever He decides. But we are in control of our genitals, and we will not rashly ask for children with them if, after prayerful consideration, we consider it unwise. We will not “jump on in.”

All the same, thank you (and your wife) for your honest advice.

EDIT: Thanks also to CallMeCatholic. I love Papa Bene, but boy do I miss JPII.

:clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping:

 

[WeddNiteDilemma]

Well, today’s the day! I want to thank everyone for their advice and concern – even where I didn’t entirely agree. In particular, I’d like call out these three posts as especially helpful:

OP, I don’t use Creighton so I’m no help there. But I can tell you that the other posters who have described how tired you will be are right. It will be disappointing, but yes you can make it bearable and fun! You will have plenty to do. Order room service, open your cards and gifts, reminisce about the wedding day. I promise you it will still be very intimate falling asleep with your new wife. And in the morning, when you’re both rested, you can make up for lost time, provided that her cycle is regular this month. Lots of people forego sex on the wedding night, for varying reasons. It’s okay, and it won’t ruin your memories.

This is excellent practical advice. My big fear was not so much, “Oh no, another day of virginity,” but, “Oh, no, we’re going to get to the end of this enormous day, check into the hotel room… and then have absolutely nothing special to do to mark the end of our wedding and the beginning of our marriage.” But you have great ideas there for making it special in other ways (as did the poster who mentioned calling her “MrsDilemma” a few dozen times ).

Her cycle, incidentally, appears to have starting going nuts in the few days since I posted – which is no real surprise, given the wedding stress – so we may have a few more days of waiting than we hoped and planned… but if we can make that night in the fancy hotel special, I think the rest of the waiting will be easy.

1. Since you and your bride feel that postponing pregnancy is best at this moment, you have some most beautiful gifts to offer God–your bride’s fertility and her virginity on your wedding night. God doesn’t get too many gifts like that these days.

If you decide to abstain on your wedding night after prayfully reflecting on this matter, I believe God will gratefully accept your very generous gift and use it for good. If you decide not to abstain but invite God into your bridal chamber, He will accept your generous gift and use it for good.

This way of looking at it as an offering is a wonderful perspective, and one that I personally need to be reminded of more than I would like. Thank you.

And, of course, my favorite post in thread:

Have a blessed wedding day!!

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen

Thank you, maltmom. And thank you again to everyone else, too.

I’m going to go get married now, and it is going to be wonderful.

Sincerely,
WND