Fiancé moving in with me?

[Travistea]

Hi, I’m new to this site, but have been stealing knowledge from it for about a year. I finally have a question that I can’t find though.
-I was in the army and stationed in Italy. I went to Denmark on a mission for a couple months and met a Danish women. Long story short… I’m out of the army now and back in America. We are planning on her coming to America in September and getting married as soon as we can do it right in the church. the only place during this time she is going to be able to stay is with me. This is for financial reasons, as she won’t have a job and I can’t afford 2 separate house or apartment payments. She is Lutheran and I am a practicing catholic, but she is open to the catholic faith and she is entertaining the idea of converting.
My question is simple. How do we live with each other and not end up having sex? It might be about 6 months till then. Im catholic but am not a saint or have the will power of one. Or if you have any other ideas about any other living arrangements that could work, they would be much appreciated

I was going to post this in the questions forum, but I think married Catholics would have a better outlook and more ideas. Thanks guys

 

[PerfectTiming]

This probably won’t be the answer you’re looking for but you shouldn’t be cohabiting at all. You want to make sure your relationship is not tainted by sin: don’t live together. It’s simply not worth it. This is a letter from the Bishop of Pennsylvania addressing the issue of engaged couples living together and at the end it has some good answers to questions about cohabitation. This also explains very well how damaging cohabitation can be to a marriage.

Do you have any family or friends who might be willing to take her in?

 

[Splagchnizomai]

My question is simple.  How do we live with each other and not end up having sex? It might be about 6 months till then. Im catholic but am not a saint or have the will power of one. Or if you have any other ideas about any other living arrangements that could work, they would be much appreciated

The answer is simple. If you live together, you will end up having sex.

Speak to a Catholic priest immediately about this.

 

[AllSeasons]

This is a question I’ve been pondering as well. When I go visit my girlfriend, I stay at her place, but sleep in separate rooms. Her parents seem to be okay with it. That said, it’s not for an extended period of time like in your case. I can see the financial side, too. Staying at hotels can get expensive, and I would think having a separate house/apartment can be even more expensive. So I’m not sure what the best option would be here. That’s probably not very helpful, but at least you know you’re not the only one facing this dilemma.

 

[GEddie]

Why the six-months waiting period?

If it is for canonical/ marriage prep reasons, ask Father if your marriage can be fast-tracked.

If it is to save up for a fairytale wedding/huge family event, consider together whether that can be abridged to save time and $$$.

Either way, living together for that length of time would be a “near occasion of sin” and so a sin in itself.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

 

[Allegra]

Can you stay with relatives and allow her to live in your home? That’s what I did when my fiance moved to my hometown to look for a job before we were married. He got my apartment and I moved back in with mama. (Which I think should be worth at least a hundred indulgences.) While I don’t really agree that living under the same roof definately will lead you to sex, it will probably give people the impression that you are having sex, and by extension, that you think having sex before marriage is okay. Some people don’t think that other people’s opinions are that important, however, if we are called to be witnesses to Christ (And I heard somewhere that we are.) it has to be taken into consideration. I would strongly urge you not to cohabitate.

 

[Allegra]

This is a question I’ve been pondering as well. When I go visit my girlfriend, I stay at her place, but sleep in separate rooms. Her parents seem to be okay with it. That said, it’s not for an extended period of time like in your case. I can see the financial side, too. Staying at hotels can get expensive, and I would think having a separate house/apartment can be even more expensive. So I’m not sure what the best option would be here. That’s probably not very helpful, but at least you know you’re not the only one facing this dilemma.

If you are staying in her parent’s home, under their parental chaperoning, and sleeping in seperate rooms, and it is for a temporary visit I don’t think it can be considered cohabitating. If she lives on her own, it is inappropriate. Perhaps there is somewhere she can spend the night when you visit?

 

[k8e308]

Do you have any family or friends who might be willing to take her in?

I think this is the best option. If you have no family or friends near you, speak with your priest about any assistance the Church might be willing/able to provide. If there is a convent anywhere near you, they might be willing to take her in if she’ll live according to their rules and help in their work. You also might speak with the Children and Family department in your state about assistance available through them.

Or, you say she won’t have a job…is that because you (as a couple) are expecting her to be a stay at home wife/mom, or is it possible that she can find a job? Someone might be much more willing to take her in on a temporary basis, rather than for several months.

 

[AllSeasons]

If you are staying in her parent’s home, under their parental chaperoning, and sleeping in seperate rooms, and it is for a temporary visit I don’t think it can be considered cohabitating. If she lives on her own, it is inappropriate. Perhaps there is somewhere she can spend the night when you visit?

She has her own place, and I’m usually there for the weekend. She’s a very good, faithful person, and I have a lot of respect for her, so I wouldn’t let something like that happen, nor would she. But perhaps this is something I should talk to her about.

 

[JRKH]

Hi, I’m new to this site, but have been stealing knowledge from it for about a year. I finally have a question that I can’t find though.
-I was in the army and stationed in Italy. I went to Denmark on a mission for a couple months and met a Danish women. Long story short… I’m out of the army now and back in America. We are planning on her coming to America in September and getting married as soon as we can do it right in the church. the only place during this time she is going to be able to stay is with me. This is for financial reasons, as she won’t have a job and I can’t afford 2 separate house or apartment payments. She is Lutheran and I am a practicing catholic, but she is open to the catholic faith and she is entertaining the idea of converting.
My question is simple. How do we live with each other and not end up having sex? It might be about 6 months till then. I’m catholic but am not a saint or have the will power of one. Or if you have any other ideas about any other living arrangements that could work, they would be much appreciated

I was going to post this in the questions forum, but I think married Catholics would have a better outlook and more ideas. Thanks guys

I was right with you and going to offer encouragement to you until you made the comment about your will-power. That really complicates the matter.

I guess it really comes down to how much you love her and how much you love God and how these two things can interact in such close proximity - but it don’t sound promising…
We are also hampered in giving advice by not knowing any details of the proposed living arrangement. For instance, how many bedrooms/baths how private the areas are and so forth…

There is also the matter of - how long have you really known this girl? Have you definitely discerned that she is the one??

Given these issues, I’m afraid that I have to join the others and say that this does not sound like a good idea.

One “alternate” idea…Consider talking to your pastor and maybe seeing if someone in the parish could rent her a room “cheap” while you guys get things settled. Might be a long shot but all they can say is no…

Peace
James

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think this is the best option. If you have no family or friends near you, speak with your priest about any assistance the Church might be willing/able to provide. If there is a convent anywhere near you, they might be willing to take her in if she’ll live according to their rules and help in their work. You also might speak with the Children and Family department in your state about assistance available through them.

Or, you say she won’t have a job…is that because you (as a couple) are expecting her to be a stay at home wife/mom, or is it possible that she can find a job? Someone might be much more willing to take her in on a temporary basis, rather than for several months.

She won’t have a work permit or a green card until they get married. No permit, no job.

 

[SonCatcher]

I relocated and was jobless (so was my then-fiancee) about a year before our marriage. She helped me find a room to rent in her city where I lived until I found work and could afford an apartment near there (she was still in her family home). I slept on a futon borrowed from her house.

Perhaps you could find a room for your fiancee to stay in for that time (or you could stay in the rented room and she stay in your home).

 

[Kit15]

This probably won’t be the answer you’re looking for but you shouldn’t be cohabiting at all. You want to make sure your relationship is not tainted by sin: don’t live together. It’s simply not worth it. This is a letter from the Bishop of Pennsylvania addressing the issue of engaged couples living together and at the end it has some good answers to questions about cohabitation. This also explains very well how damaging cohabitation can be to a marriage.

Do you have any family or friends who might be willing to take her in?

Agreed. And even if it isn’t a near occasion of sin for you (different people are tempted by different things), or you don’t have kids to worry about, it still is unwise to act like a married couple in this way before you actually are one. In the unlikely event something happens and the wedding has to be called off or even postponed for a long time…then what?

Do talk to your priest as soon as possible. A real person will be better able to assess the situation and offer additional options according to where you are living than we can scattered across the internet. The fact that she lives out of the country does complicate things legally and he should be able to advise you through them.

You may have to make arrangements that you don’t like. Living together prematurely with the woman you love and intend to marry is not exactly a huge sacrifice. This includes her staying in Denmark a little while longer while you make marriage preparations or the possibility of your family taking her in (my cousin’s fiance lived with her parents for months as an alternative to them living together).

Even if there is no other reasonable solution (and you’d better exhaust everything…don’t go making excuses for yourself because even without sex, just sharing space and time this way is mighty tempting) and your place is truly her one and only chance for a roof over her head, go to the priest and set a date before she sets puts a toe into your living space with the intent to stay there. Too many couples end up in a state of permanent engagement when they live together. Getting married will happen eventually. You will also know exactly how much longer you have to continue to abstain. Waiting for such an event is much easier when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[michaelmas]

The answer is simple. If you live together, you will end up having sex.

Speak to a Catholic priest immediately about this.

I am not saying this is right but the above poster is wrong. I was in a situation like you posted and I ended up living with my future wife for about 3 months. NO we did not have sex.

If I had to do it all over again, however, I would of trusted in God and not myself in this financial matter. I am disappointed that I did not and thought my way was better.

 

[lizaanne]

Where are you in the immigration process? If you are bringing her here on a K-1 visa, she cannot arrive more than 30 days prior to the wedding, so she will only have to stay with someone for a very short time. It may take up to a year to go through immigration, so don’t plan a wedding until you know she has been granted a visa.

My husband is British, so “been there done that”. It’s hard, but it can be done.

But don’t live together - that’s just not cool for many of the reasons noted above.

~Liza

 

[Travistea]

Why the six-months waiting period?

If it is for canonical/ marriage prep reasons, ask Father if your marriage can be fast-tracked.

If it is to save up for a fairytale wedding/huge family event, consider together whether that can be abridged to save time and $$$.

Either way, living together for that length of time would be a “near occasion of sin” and so a sin in itself.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

It is for marriage prep and am told the marriage prep you receive from your priest is generally this long. Another reason is being to save up for a small wedding. Nothing spectacular, but these things cost money. I will talk to my priest though to see if he can speed things up a little

 

[SonCatcher]

Where are you in the immigration process? ** If you are bringing her here on a K-1 visa, she cannot arrive more than 30 days prior to the wedding**, so she will only have to stay with someone for a very short time. It may take up to a year to go through immigration, so don’t plan a wedding until you know she has been granted a visa.

My husband is British, so “been there done that”. It’s hard, but it can be done.

But don’t live together - that’s just not cool for many of the reasons noted above.

~Liza

If that is the case, it may be sufficient reason to ask the priest to expedite the process or allow her to go through some of the preparation in Denmark.

Travistea, you should get to work right away on that. Also, you might need to ask your priest to work in the wedding at an odd time or day and have a simpler ceremony, if the normal wedding times are unavailable during that 30-day window.

 

[Travistea]

I think this is the best option. If you have no family or friends near you, speak with your priest about any assistance the Church might be willing/able to provide. If there is a convent anywhere near you, they might be willing to take her in if she’ll live according to their rules and help in their work. You also might speak with the Children and Family department in your state about assistance available through them.

Or, you say she won’t have a job…is that because you (as a couple) are expecting her to be a stay at home wife/mom, or is it possible that she can find a job? Someone might be much more willing to take her in on a temporary basis, rather than for several months.

With her work situation, she does plan on being a stay at home mom when we have kids but for the time being wants to work. It takes awhile to get a work permit and to find a job that will sponsor her for employment. Once we are married though none of that will be neccessary as it makes getting a green card not easy, but easier

 

[akela135]

My advice is to look for ads run by people seeking roommates. There are many people who will post ads through craigslist or at local universities searching for temporary roommates. When my fiance’s roommate moved out, he couldn’t afford the rent at his place and set up and add through craigslist. He had a veriety for replies within a week from people looking for a place. One person just needed a place to stay for a month. You’d need to check the people out to make sure they were safe and respectable, but this could provide a place for a cheaper price and no real lease or finacial commitment. I’ve even seen married couples renting out a room of their home to help pay the bills. There are options available.

 

[SonCatcher]

It is for marriage prep and am told the marriage prep you receive from your priest is generally this long. Another reason is being to save up for a small wedding. Nothing spectacular, but these things cost money. I will talk to my priest though to see if he can speed things up a little

The basic requirement for the wedding is:
The Rite of Marriage

Since your fiancee is not Catholic, the “outside of Mass” version is probably most appropriate.

For the bare essentials, you don’t need to spend anything. Just you, your fiancee, a handful of witnesses and the priest or deacon. You can plan an elaborate reception when you are able.

Also, if her visa is only a 30-day visa (as lizaanne suggested), the priest will have to either make the process quick or allow her to receive instruction in Denmark. If the priest balks, contact the bishop, right away. The Church CAN make exceptions. The waiting period is NOT essential to the sacrament.