Fiance angry cause i wont marry him

[priscilla1714]

Will someone please shed some light on what an engaged couple preparing for precana should function like. My relationship is so dysfunctional right now and my fiance keeps putting pressure on marrying. He says i make him feel worthless and i have no respect of his wants. When truly, ALL I WANT is to follow Christ and live a life of Holiness. He hates that im seeking fellowship with Christ deeper because it makes him feel abandoned. Advice please. Another question, is it acceptable to be living together as catholic brother and sister and in chastity? Or is it wrong? Thank you for truthful guidance!

 

[Xantippe]

Will someone please shed some light on what an engaged couple preparing for precana should function like. My relationship is so dysfunctional right now and my fiance keeps putting pressure on marrying. He says i make him feel worthless and i have no respect of his wants. When truly, ALL I WANT is to follow Christ and live a life of Holiness. He hates that im seeking fellowship with Christ deeper because it makes him feel abandoned. Advice please. Another question, is it acceptable to be living together as catholic brother and sister and in chastity? Or is it wrong? Thank you for truthful guidance!

I know for certain that an unmarried couple with your set of issues shouldn’t be living together, brother and sister or no brother and sister. You need to have the freedom to walk away if that is what you need to do, and that if you decide to end this relationship, it will be a heck of a lot harder to do that if you’ve bought furniture together already.

Talk to your priest, keep your independence (or get it back), and think long and hard if this relationship is taking you in the right direction.

 

[Della]

No man who truly loves a woman would be pressuring her to conform to his “needs” at the expense of her happiness and salvation. He sounds terribly immature. Run! This guy is not for you.

And no, it’s not all right for you to live as “brother and sister” because you aren’t brother and sister–you’re potential spouses. If you live with him eventually you’ll give in and have sex. I think that’s what he’s hoping will happen. It sounds like he’s jealous of your spirituality–like a two year old angry that mommy isn’t giving him all the attention. Again I say RUN! Find someone who cares more for you than for his own selfish desires/lusts. Trust me, this guy will survive. He’ll find some other female who he can fool into giving him what he wants. You’re just a means to an end to him. RUN!!!

 

[priscilla1714]

I appreciate your thoughts. What im confused about is that our parish priest has “okayed” living like that and okay to receive communion. I question that A LOT. 2 priests have actually said its ok. While others have said no. I dont know if im being scrupulous ir if its the Holy spirit guiding me.

 

[priscilla1714]

Della, thank you! Heres the major problem, i dont trust the man and i am not ready to freely give of myself to him. He says im rejecting God’s love and gift of marriage. Could this be true? Am i rejecting Christ’s gift???

 

[Della]

I appreciate your thoughts. What im confused about is that our parish priest has “okayed” living like that and okay to receive communion. I question that A LOT. 2 priests have actually said its ok. While others have said no. I dont know if im being scrupulous ir if its the Holy spirit guiding me.

I am amazed and disappointed to hear that any priest would say living like brother and sister before marriage is in any way okay. It’s NOT okay. Are they the ones being tempted to sin? No. You are. You are not being scrupulous, you are using good old fashioned common sense. You know in your gut that it’s not right. You know why it’s not all right. Again I say RUN! You will find a better candidate for husband. God will provide for you. You don’t need a guy like this one. Trust me, you’ll never regret doing the right thing.

 

[Della]

Della, thank you! Heres the major problem, i dont trust the man and i am not ready to freely give of myself to him. He says im rejecting God’s love and gift of marriage. Could this be true? Am i rejecting Christ’s gift???

No. Marriage needs to be entered into freely, and for all the right reasons. None of the right reasons exist with this guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. God will bring the right person along at the right time and you will know it. Trust in God not in some guy who just wants to use you.

 

[Kelfa28]

I appreciate your thoughts. What im confused about is that our parish priest has “okayed” living like that and okay to receive communion. I question that A LOT. 2 priests have actually said its ok. While others have said no. I dont know if im being scrupulous ir if its the Holy spirit guiding me.

Yeah, this is not a good idea at all. It’s disheartening that a priest would say that. There isn’t any other underlying issues that would make a priest suggest this might be okay?

I say this because of my own, personal, situation. My husband and I were looking to enter the Church. We were engaged and had been living together for almost 2 years at that point. Neither of us had any idea this was wrong.

Here is the catch. I was already pregnant when we started RCIA.

Add to that another complication that I had been recently laid off from my full time job and my husband was the bread winner and supporting both of us.

My husband spoke with two separate priests and a parish director about our situation…saying there was no way he was going to have me leave and stay somewhere else while I was pregnant and unemployed (I had no other options…no family close by with living arrangements that could fit me in anywhere besides a couch) for 6 months until our wedding day.
We would live like brother and sister until our wedding. Everyone we spoke to agreed.

My situation was a bit unorthodox though.

As for your fiancé…he should be encouraging you to grow deeper in Christ and not look at it as a competition between him and our Lord. That is a major red flag.

 

[priscilla1714]

Thank you Kelfa. in answer to your question, no, there are no underlying issues. I was very transparent about our living situation (no tie me downs involved). My fiance and i have frequent meetings with this priest for precana preparation. And in seeking clarification about our living status (more than a hundred times) he has said its okay every time. I was in confessions just on saturday and i asked him specifically about “nearest occasion of sin” (for i know that offends God) and still he said its not nearest occasion because we have self control and are not crossing lines. So who then do i believe?

 

[Della]

Thank you Kelfa. in answer to your question, no, there are no underlying issues. I was very transparent about our living situation (no tie me downs involved). My fiance and i have frequent meetings with this priest for precana preparation. And in seeking clarification about our living status (more than a hundred times) he has said its okay every time. I was in confessions just on saturday and i asked him specifically about “nearest occasion of sin” (for i know that offends God) and still he said its not nearest occasion because we have self control and are not crossing lines. So who then do i believe?

Again, no. It’s not all right no matter who says it is. Self-control goes out of control all too easily. Don’t do it. Just don’t!

 

[priscilla1714]

I admire your strong willed discipleship, Della!
Now, i need some solid truth to let him have it so that he can pack and move out. His physical needy and demanding motherly needs, hinder and stall my prayer life. Can u help me explain it to him, to convince him to leave? Hes a stubborn mule.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

OP, you have my sympathies and prayers.

Of course, now you see exactly why we should not cohabit before marriage, even in a non-sexual way. We do not want to establish an overly intimate, dependent relationship while we are deciding whether to marry. It clouds our judgement.

 

[Regina7]

I admire your strong willed discipleship, Della!
Now, i need some solid truth to let him have it so that he can pack and move out. His physical needy and demanding motherly needs, hinder and stall my prayer life. Can u help me explain it to him, to convince him to leave? Hes a stubborn mule.

Is it your house? Because it would likely be easier if you left.

It may be a good idea to have a brother or another man around if you are worried of his stability.

 

[revertgirl]

Will someone please shed some light on what an engaged couple preparing for precana should function like. My relationship is so dysfunctional right now and my fiance keeps putting pressure on marrying. He says i make him feel worthless and i have no respect of his wants. When truly, ALL I WANT is to follow Christ and live a life of Holiness. He hates that im seeking fellowship with Christ deeper because it makes him feel abandoned. Advice please. Another question, is it acceptable to be living together as catholic brother and sister and in chastity? Or is it wrong? Thank you for truthful guidance!

Leave him. He is not worthy of you. Do yourself and your future children a favor and find someone who loves Jesus with all his heart. You will not regret it. Doing what it right is not easy but keep your eyes fixed on Jesus. I am speaking from personal experience.

 

[revertgirl]

Of course, now you see exactly why we should not cohabit before marriage, even in a non-sexual way. We do not want to establish an overly intimate, dependent relationship while we are deciding whether to marry. It clouds our judgement.

 

[Porknpie]

Thank you Kelfa. in answer to your question, no, there are no underlying issues. I was very transparent about our living situation (no tie me downs involved). My fiance and i have frequent meetings with this priest for precana preparation. And in seeking clarification about our living status (more than a hundred times) he has said its okay every time. I was in confessions just on saturday and i asked him specifically about “nearest occasion of sin” (for i know that offends God) and still he said its not nearest occasion because we have self control and are not crossing lines. So who then do i believe?

Priscilla -

On living together as brother and sister: the priest is should be open about why he believes this is OK. My sense is that he does not believe it is causing scandal. Another priest could disagree. It’s clear from my standpoint that being under the same roof is poor decision on your part, regardless of the priest’s view of the matter.

On his pressuring you: are you kidding me? You already know the answer… we are to build each other up in our relationships, especially in our spiritual journey in loving God and striving to live a life of holiness.

You already know the answer as to whether or not this person is someone you should marry.

It’s a big sea…many fish.

 

[Mummsie]

Priscilla,

How to tell him to leave? First, I agree with the suggestion of having someone else present. Or have this conversation in a public place.

You could start with “Are you prepared to be the spiritual leader in our family?” “I’m not seeing that in your current behavior.” Are you prepared to change? " I would be much more comfortable living separately and then we can go from there." Stay Calm.

Ask the Holy Spirit for Guidance.

God Bless You.

 

[Tomdstone]

What im confused about is that our parish priest has “okayed” living like that and okay to receive communion.

I thought that sex before marriage was a mortal sin? Is it really true that the priests are teaching something different?

 

[Vico]

… is it acceptable to be living together as catholic brother and sister and in chastity? Or is it wrong? …

Remember that for those that have actually married, cohabitation has the presumption of consummation. Similarly, it is not uncommon today that there is free union. Living toghether gives the appearance of having marital relations. That is called scandal.

Modern Catholic Dictionary has for **Scandal:
**Any action or its omission, not necessarily sinful in itself, that is likely to induce another to do something morally wrong. Direct scandal, also called diabolical, has the deliberate intention to induce another to sin. In indirect scandal a person does something that he or she foresees will at least likely lead another to commit sin, but this is rather tolerated than positively desired. (Etym. Latin scandalum, stumbling block.)

 

[underacloud]

I’m not sue I understand the question. He is your fiancé. A fiancé is someone you have agreed to marry. But you say he is angry because you won’t marry him. So how is he your fiancé?

You seem very confused. That is not a good state to be making important life decisions. What you need to do is stop cohabitating immediately, and then take time to properly consider your relationship and future.

PS You know full well that your priest is incorrect in approving your cohabitation. Every post you have written speaks clearly of this.