Fiance's bachelor party

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TC3033 said:
I know it would have been a huge red flag for me if my wife said “if you do this, I won’t marry you” when it came down to my bachelor party.
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If this kind of ultimatum is used repeatedly to control a spouse in many aspects of life, that’s not a healthy way for a marriage to work. However, each partner has a right to have dealbreakers, and the OP is well within her rights to say, “I cannot tolerate visiting strip clubs. This particular incident also indicates to me that your friends’ happiness matters more to you than mine, and I cannot tolerate this in a marriage. If you go through with the strip club, I won’t feel comfortable getting married to you.”
 
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Psalm30 said:
No, it’s not too late to go back.

You might lose some money if you’ve paid for a reception hall, a wedding dress that can’t be returned, etc. And, yeah, your families and guests may be disappointed. But that’s nothing compared to a life of misery and/or an ugly divorce and annulment process (and remember, annulments aren’t always granted).
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This! I’m not saying you should call it off, but I’ve called off a wedding before. A lot of the nonrefundable deposits were generously refunded and people were really nice about it. “Good for you!” “Better to have figured that out now” “Do it once and do it right”
 
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I don’t disagree that each person in a relationship has the right to dealbreakers.

To me, utilizing such an ultimatum just prior to the wedding would be a giant red flag for me…of course YMMV.

To me, an ultimatum like this used just before the wedding would make me wonder how often such ultimatums would be used against me…but that’s me.

All I was saying is: If OP is going to use that ultimatum, I’d recommend being prepared in case the result isn’t what she hoped for.
 
DisorientingSneeze said:
This! I’m not saying you should call it off, but I’ve called off a wedding before. A lot of the nonrefundable deposits were generously refunded and people were really nice about it. “Good for you!” “Better to have figured that out now” “Do it once and do it right”
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Yes, this is true. I am not offering an opinion on whether you should call it off, but I think most people recognize that it takes courage to call off a wedding late in the engagement when one realizes that going forward would just not be right.
 
Yeah I’ve been to a couple bachelor parties, none involved strippers. That is a Hollywood trope imo. It’s always just been a group activity like fishing or skiing, and to be honest a fair amount of drinking.

I will say that my friends and I planned a bachelor party for one of our buddies once and his fiancé was convinced we were going to take him to a strip club out of paranoia, and the day before we left for our destination he decided not to go because his fiancé didn’t trust him. So we had a bachelorless bachelor party since the hotels and everything were already booked. We had fun regardless but it kind of defeated the purpose.
 
For the OP, I would pump the breaks on all this talk of calling off the wedding because you are concerned about the bachelor party. If you haven’t already, you just need to explain to your fiancé how much it means to you that he not get involved with strippers and how this would effect your wedding night. He might be caught up in not wanting to back out on his friends, but I don’t know any guy who would willingly flaunt his fiance’s wishes in such matters. And I don’t know any guy who wants to get a lap dance by strippers before getting married. If strippers are brought into it, it is by the friends trying to embarrass him. But really the advice needs to be for your fiancé. He just needs to lay down the law with his friends that there will be no strippers involved or he is not going. It’s that simple. If they are good friends they will respect that.
 
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You know…I just re-read the OP and it says “I know his friends and know they are taking him to the strip club”…do we actually know that? Now I hear him jokingly saying “there’s nothing I can do about it if they go”.
 
The Character of this man is questionable because he is fine with going to a strip club. But way more alarming is the fact that he knows this hurts you and is fine with that. Normally I would caution against making rash decisions about a wedding because of some little argument. But this is more than that, this speaks to how he wishes to conduct himself as a man and your husband. Your fiancee, I’m sorry, but from what you posted is a man not worthy of you. This would be a deal breaker. Not merely the fact that he is ok with the objectification and lust involved with strip clubs but more importantly his character and his willingness to hurt you. This does not bode well for the future.
 
On the other hand, you seem to be a loving, Christian husband who would not have wanted to hurt your fiancee by watching strippers. It might be hard to “see it” from the point of view of a more secular sort of man.
 
Your position is that he is joking and she misunderstood so much that she is in a crisis and posting here?

How are you arriving at that conclusion?
 
According to the OP, she and her fiancé both just went through a recent, deep, transformative conversion not too long ago.
 
Yep, but, it sounds as if his was not as transformative. This may mean delaying marriage.
 
The same way she has come to the conclusion they’re going because "she knows his friends…IDK. I didn’t come to the conclusion of anything but that we don’t actually know if anyone is going anywhere…just that “she knows his friends”, so they must be going.
 
Well I think the man so eager to look at naked women not his wife is a deal breaker.

He knows she doesn’t want this. He cares more about his own needs than being married.

If he sees it as an ultimatum, fine.

Marriage is forever. If he can’t say “I won’t go”, she is better off without him.

He’s supposed to forsake all others. Including friends. And strippers.
 
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We can only go by what the OP posts. And she has posted what she deems credible. The fiancee is not here to say “gosh I was just joking ha ha it’s so funny” but even if he was. How equally as horrible that for his own joking amusement he tortured his bride to be for weeks of depression.
 
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OP, print this thread out and show him. After he has read it tell him the ball is in his court. Ask if he is choosing his friends feelings over the feelings of the woman he has chosen to spend his life with.
 
I, personally, chose to not have a bachelor party. He doesn’t have to do this.
 
My bachelor party really showed who my friends were. I was a young immature Catholic. My bachelor party was at a friends house with my closed friends and we played a favorite video game, talked laughed and had an incredible time. None of my fiends were Catholic, none. There was an atheist, a lot of gay guys, And way worse than strip clubs was par for the course for their lifestyle. They knew how important this was for me. They respected me and were genuinely happy for me and wanted to support me and not think it cute or funny to spend the night before my marriage living something contrary to what I was about to pledge my life to. It is really sick when you think about the concept of a strip club to marriage. What if we had a social tradition before all our sacraments like that? What if before we received communion we desecrated it, or before we were baptized we visited a brothel?

I may have chosen different groomsmen in retrospect but one thing I will always think fondly about was the honor they showed me by respecting my character, honor and beliefs.
 
TC3033 said:
An ultimatum as such would raise flags for me, personally.
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So, your future wife tells you XYZ bothers her, is hurting her and upsetting her to no end, and you need to stop or she can’t marry you, and your response is that it raises flags??

Not that you need to look at what you are doing to the woman you love? XYZ is more important?
 
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