Fiance's bachelor party

[Irishmom2]

(Bear, Dk why it responded to you…)

 

[Legend]

I’ve known men like the ‘friends’ involved. They would see him not having a bachelor party, or asking for one without strippers, as ‘not being a man’ or letting his woman call the shots’. And, most likely, strippers would be involved, if they could afford such a party. Sadly, such a man, or a man who would allow himself to be controlled by such men, are seldom husband material. They feel unsure of their manhood, and often keep surrounding themselves with similar men.

OP, if you truly feel your fiance would not be able to say ‘no’ to such a plan, for any reason, make an appointment for you and your fiance to see the priest who would be performing the wedding. Speak of your concerns, and listen to his answers. If there’s anything in his answers about his ‘not being a man’ in front of his friends, ask him about being a man in front of you. If he still insists on going wherever his friends want, he, sadly, is not husband material, at this time. Just be glad you found out, and cancel the wedding. You don’t need a lifetime with a man you cannot trust!

Take care of yourself, and God Bless!

 

[LovingWife822]

Not to be harsh but I believe a real man will stand up to his friends, for his lady. There are so many fun things to do that don’t involve strippers and clubbing. If they are his true friends this will just force them to get creative. If he truly doesn’t care about your feelings, and you have tried your best to communicate them to him, express to him that if he doesn’t respect how you feel about these things that are so central to your relationship (pertaining to the wedding and his views on sex), why would he want to marry you and vice versa? If he can’t take into account your feelings what is the point of marriage? I would pose the questions that way. I wish you the very best and will pray for you and your fiancé.

 

[TC3033]

Hi @Dacinom

Let’s start with in no way have I condoned strip clubs.

I went back and re-read the OP and noticed this is over an assumption, and notes if OP drops an ultimatum on her fiance to be ready for the outcome.

Like was said upthread, we only have one side of the story…

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

Maybe you can help your cause by agreeing that in no way shape or form should the OPs fiancee go to a strip club for a bachelor party and doing so is so morally corrupt that she should question marrying him.

Now if you want to argue that he is NOT going to go to a strip club or engage in sinful behavior on purpose to dishonor his future wife then that is a whole other matter and I agree with you. But given the OPs layout of the situation I find it not charitable but foolish to make the argument in favor of this future husband’s holy character…

I would love for the OP to clarify.

 

[Psalm30]

The OP said:

I agree, but he doesn’t seem to view it in that way. It’s feels to me like he’s valuing his friends opinions of him over mine, and what’s worse over God’s view of marriage. It kills me because it’s not just about my own feelings being hurt, it’s about disobeying the Lord.

And:

How do I convince him of this? I feel like I’ve explained all of this and he doesn’t see it as a big deal. He’s completely okay with hurting me, and I’m not sure how to go on from there.

And from the original post:

I’ve explained to him multiple times how much the thought is tearing me up inside. His response has been that he doesn’t want to go, but there’s “nothing he can do” if his friends decide that’s on the agenda.

Even if all of this is based on an assumption, the fiancé seems to be okay with the hypothetical of going to a strip club, even if it’s not actually planned. He knows this hurts the OP, but is still okay with doing it. Furthermore, he doesn’t appear to be strong enough to stand up to his friends and defend the wishes of his future wife. Whether going to a strip club is actually planned or not, the fact that he says there is “nothing he can do” if his friends do indeed put it on the agenda is a massive red flag.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

How do I convince him of this? I feel like I’ve explained all of this and he doesn’t see it as a big deal. He’s completely okay with hurting me, and I’m not sure how to go on from there

I would give one last ditch effort to explain the gravity of the situation. He has to get married soon, if he goes to a strip club it is grave matter and since I am sure you have told him so it would more than likely be a mortal sin considering he knows better. He needs to receive communion at the wedding, so he must confess this giant sin. He either has to not confess and receive unworthily (which is another grave sin) or confess it first but if he goes to a strip club with the mindset that he will just confess later, then he also adds the sin of presumption. Would it not be better to avoid the whole hassle and just tell his friends to not take him to a strip club? He’s gonna regret going one way or the other.

Also, if his friends do try to take him anyways he can certainly walk away and call a uber. They cannot force Him into the door, unless he wants to go. It sounds very childish that he says he would not have a choice if they took him. This is suppose to be a man? A man of God at that? Maybe he needs to be called out on this. Ask him if you are marrying a man or a boy.

 

[Rozellelily]

It is really sick when you think about the concept of a strip club to marriage. What if we had a social tradition before all our sacraments like that? What if before we received communion we desecrated it, or before we were baptized we visited a brothel?

Well stated.

OP, I would seriously consider whether this is something you are willing to accept.
What’s concerning is not just that your fiancée says he’s gong along for his friends sake but also the fact that it seems he doesn’t quite get what’s wrong with strippers because you mentioned he doesn’t get why it’s a big deal.
So not only will you be accepting a man who does this on his bachelor party but also entering a lifelong marriage with one who potentially has a mindset that it isn’t such a problem.

What will happen if there are issues in the marriage later on or if there is a lack of love life after giving birth to a child etc…will he then again go to a strip club because it isn’t such a big deal to him?

What about when you have girl children,will he be in two minds to be able to teach them how to be respected when he doesn’t himself see that stripclubs are disrespectful and degrading etc?
Will he be in a position to teach any sons how to be respectful to women and not objectify?

In my view a persons character can often be seen by who their close friends are so if his close friends are like this…his friends seem very immature and likeminded people hang out together…so is he prepared to change friends if necessary?
Not because you are wanting to control him or boss him but because he himself chooses.

Likewise I think the decision to not have strippers for the bachelor party should come from him and not because he feels pressured/feels you don’t like it.
If he himself doesn’t not like it,then if it was me personally I would strongly reconsider marrying this man at this current time.

While he’s had a spiritual conversion is it possible he hasn’t yet come into contact with a lot of Catholic/Christian men who have a more different way of viewing women and stripping etc than his old friends?
Without this exposure to different kinds of men it might be hard to see this as anything but “normal” or no big deal.

 

[Psalm30]

And as for the groom not being able to say no to his buddies requests–well, welcome to married life.

No, just no. A good husband puts his wife’s needs and concerns above his friends. No one should have to tolerate anything like the OP has described in a marriage.

 

[Psalm30]

Just to clarify what I was referring to, “welcome to married life. It’s time to move on.” Is advice for the groom. Some men aren’t ready for marriage and struggle with it–being detrimental to both sides.

Thank you for clarifying. I apologize for my misinterpretation of your post. I agree with what you said here.

 

[Legend]

Unfortunately, certain groups of men see the bachelor party as a kind of ‘last night of freedom’. Some look of it as a lack of manhood to allow the groom’s bride-to-be to have any say to where/what is done at this party.

I see nothing positive in visiting strip clubs, for any reason. Everything that such a club offers is degrading to women, and uses already degraded women to let’s face it, be able to act like ‘naughty little boys’. And, with the amount of drinking that goes on, it wouldn’t be difficult for a man to go ‘a little too far’ and end up giving his wife an STD. If that doesn’t make some of these ‘men’ think twice, I truly don’t know what would!

Personally, I’d like to see this kind of entertainment die a natural death. It has little to recommend itself, and lowers every person involved!

 

[Joe_5859]

If he’s willing to do something that’s hurtful to you in order to avoid being direct with his friends, that’s a problem and it won’t be the last time.

That’s what jumps out at me. Saying “there’s nothing I can do” means he is unwilling to stand up to his friends in favor of his future bride. That does not bode well for the future.

Regardless of whether or not his friends will actually take him to a strip club, this is still an issue that needs to be addressed. Part of getting married means giving your spouse higher priority than your friends.

If he’s not willing to tell his friends “no” to this now, what else will he be unable to tell them “no” to in the future?