Fiance's parents are upset

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Trackee

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Hi everyone,

I hope that you can give me advice on my situation. I just recently became engaged to my boyfriend. We have been dating for about a year and a half and we are both 23. We also both go to Church regularly and pray together.

When my fiance was in highschool he got his girlfriend at the time pregnant. They broke up a few months after the baby was born but he is still very involved with his child’s life. His parents have a room in their house when his little girl comes over and she comes over every other weekend. The issue that we are having is that his ex-girlfriend and the mother of the child always threatens him and his family that she is going to take away his child and not let them see her again. I am not quite sure why she does this. His ex used to let the child come over every weekend to his parents house but since me and him have started dating, she cut it down to once every 2 weeks. My fiance’s mother was quite upset/angry when she found out that we were engaged because she thinks that his ex-girlfriend will take away his child from him and not let her come over anymore. His mother insisted that he doesn’t tell his friends about our engagement because she thinks that one of his friends might tell his ex-girlfriend and that things will go downhilll from there regarding his child.

I am accepting of his situation. I don’t mind that he has a child and I am willing to have her over at our house as many times as he wants in the future. I will love and take care of his child like she is one of my own when she is around. I do not want him to have a friendship with his ex-girlfriend, however. I do not mind the casual greeting as he is picking/dropping his child back to her house and discussions about the child. He also does not want to have a friendship with his ex-girlfriend and the only reason he is still keeping in contact is obviously because of his child. His family thinks differently, however. They think that he should become friends with his ex-girlfriend and sometimes even go out with her and their child. In one situation, his child needed glasses and his parents wanted him to go with his ex-girlfriend and his child and pick out the glasses with them. His parents don’t necessarily want him to date her again but to maintain a good friendship so that she will let them all see the child more. I think that while he is still living with his family, he should listen to them but I know and he knows that once we get married things will be different regarding the situation with his child. He will only talk with his ex-girlfriend when he going to pick/drop her off but there won’t be any way that she will be able to manipulate us like she does his family. She is always ordering his parents around and they are always complying in fear that she will not let my fiance or his family see the child anymore.

I was wondering if you guys could give me some sort of advice on how to deal with this. It is hard when there doesn’t see to be any support of our engagement from his family. I understand their concern but my fiance should be allowed to continue with his life and get married and have a family even though he messed up when he was in highschool.
 
Trackee said:
The issue that we are having is that his ex-girlfriend and the mother of the child always threatens him and his family that she is going to take away his child and not let them see her again.
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Welcome OP.🙂

I’m fighting a cold and am a bit too muzzy-headed from cough medicine to address your entire post, but this one sentence popped out at me. If his ex is the manipulative, game-playing sort, might you suggest that he consult with an attorney to nip this problem in the bud?

I’m no expert on the law, but generally speaking I don’t think it’s so easy to deny a father his custodial rights without good reason (the grandparents are a different story, though). If he lets her know he’s contacted a family courts lawyer, perhaps she’ll back down a bit from threatening him?
 
The only thing I suggest is going to court/mediation and getting a custody/visitation agreement drafted up. If she refuses to do this she can be legally compelled. Do it now. There is no reason that anyone should fear that she won’t “let” him see his own child. And even if she had been reasonable and they had been in agreement from day one, now that he’s marrying someone else an official custody agreement is the only responsible thing to do.
 
I agree with the previous posters. Also, if this were me, I wouldn’t disagree with my fiance going to help pick out his child’s glasses. I wouldn’t consider that a date, as the purpose of the meeting is to purchase frames (which are usually not cheap) for a prescription that will affect the way the child looks daily.

If this were me personally, I would probably also make allowances for him to be with child, even when the ex is around, for things like special events (graduations and performances and sports events), health issues (should the child become sick and hospitalized or if there is a death in the family), maybe even the occasional birthday celebration. Sometimes, you need the support of both parents. This doesn’t mean that the ex should be allowed to walk all over everybody, but still, if it is possible for them to occasionally co-exist in a healthy way while still maintaining boundaries, that would seem to be in the best interest of the child. They are, after all, co-parents.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
The only thing I suggest is going to court/mediation and getting a custody/visitation agreement drafted up. If she refuses to do this she can be legally compelled. Do it now. There is no reason that anyone should fear that she won’t “let” him see his own child. And even if she had been reasonable and they had been in agreement from day one, now that he’s marrying someone else an official custody agreement is the only responsible thing to do.
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I agree with this post. There is no reason for the threat and the responsible thing would be to get the law involved, it’s what they’re here for. It’s a shame when relationships go sour, but what can you do?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
The only thing I suggest is going to court/mediation and getting a custody/visitation agreement drafted up. If she refuses to do this she can be legally compelled. Do it now. There is no reason that anyone should fear that she won’t “let” him see his own child. And even if she had been reasonable and they had been in agreement from day one, now that he’s marrying someone else an official custody agreement is the only responsible thing to do.
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This is what I would like to do but aren’t I out of line here? I am engaged to him but isn’t he still bound to obey his parents since he is living with them? I feel that I can only do this once we get married and are living together. I am not sure why his parents are giving in to being manipulated by her instead of doing this but I feel out of line to question it at the moment. Should I maybe speak with a lawyer about the situation but not actually officially enforce anything?
 
First of all, let me say that unless your fiance or his parents have done something terribly wrong to jeopardize his child’s safety and well-being, his ex can threaten all she wants - she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Parents cannot just decide to never allow the non-custodial parent to see their child again. It simply doesn’t work that way. The courts do not allow that to happen. Several states have laws pertaining to grandparent rights and visitation, so your fiance’s parents may want to look into that just so that IF the mother decides to keep threatening, they can threaten to sue her for grandparent rights to that child. The same goes for your fiance - if there is a custody agreement already in place, this woman can not prevent him from seeing their child, and if there isn’t an agreement in place (legally, not just by both parties verbally agreeing without having any court-ordered visitation), your fiance needs to contact the local court or child support office (he IS paying child support, right? I sure hope so because there is no reason he shouldn’t be, regardless of his relationship with his ex) and get a custody/visitation agreement set up. (I went all through this with my ex and our child.)

Second, maybe his parents would be more supportive of your engagement if they realized they didn’t have to be backed into a corner by your fiance’s ex. He has chosen who he wants to go through his life with now, and his parents need to understand and support that. My prayers are with you!
 
Trackee said:
This is what I would like to do but aren’t I out of line here? I am engaged to him but isn’t he still bound to obey his parents since he is living with them? I feel that I can only do this once we get married and are living together. I am not sure why his parents are giving in to being manipulated by her instead of doing this but I feel out of line to question it at the moment. Should I maybe speak with a lawyer about the situation but not actually officially enforce anything?
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No. He is a father now, and that means that he needs to be making the best decisions possible for his child whether his parents like it or not. If that means that he can no longer live with them then he has a responsibility to continue doing what’s best for his child and find a new place to live.
 
Trackee said:
This is what I would like to do but aren’t I out of line here? I am engaged to him but isn’t he still bound to obey his parents since he is living with them? I feel that I can only do this once we get married and are living together.
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He is 23 years old…He must “honor his mother and father”, but that is different than he must “obey” them. The situation is undergoing radical change and you are an integral part of that change. There is a lot going on here and everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut is needed.
I am not sure why his parents are giving in to being manipulated by her instead of doing this but I feel out of line to question it at the moment. Should I maybe speak with a lawyer about the situation but not actually officially enforce anything?
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It seems to me that there is a lot of manipulation going on if your fiance feels constrained by both the birth mother AND his parents…He needs to break out of this trap and do what is best for everyone, most especially his daughter.
It might be a good idea for you to speak with an attorney - informally - so that you can present good viable options to your fiance in order to protect everyone.

One thing I suggest that you keep in mind…Love for all involved. It is likely to get very tense for awhile. Try very hard to be both calm and firm - Sympathetic to the suffering of the people involved but recognizing that what is being done is the best and most loving and fair solution.

Good luck…

Peace
James
 
While he obviously shouldn’t be “dating” his ex, I do think the best situation is for him to be friends with her if possible. The child deserves to have both parents in their life, and deserves to see that they respect eachother and get along. Remember that she is a combination of both of them, and to divide them is to divide her.

This doesn’t mean you take second place, especially as his wife, but it does mean that you should be more open to the needs of his daughter and not allow your jealousy to get in the way of the very real, and permanent, relationships and obligations he already has, and this includes his ex by virtue of the fact that she’s the mother of his child.

If he doesn’t want to be friends with her that’s a different matter, but if he’s willing to be friends with her (and she’s not using her leverage to get between you two), then I think you should accept the fact that you are marrying into a complicated situation. That’s your choice, and it’s a fine one, but you can’t make it into something that it’s not.

Peace and God bless!
 
Your fiance should go to court and have a custodial order put in place for his daughter. Then there will be no more problems. This is something that he has to do and you won’t have any involvement in, however, I advise you to find out from him why he hasn’t done this already and make sure the answer is to your satisfaction. If he is trying to dodge paying child support, I would have a HUGE problem with this as a potential spouse. Assuming everything is kosher on that front, I would urge you to reconsider your position regarding your fiance’s ex. You need to realize that she absolutely will be part of his life and yours, pretty much forever. She will be there for birthdays, both your step-daughter’s and future grandchildren’s, graduations, dance recitals, weddings, funerals, holidays, and events at school. You will have to consider his ex’s plans when planning weekends, holidays, and family events. Your future husband will also be planning things with her for their daughter. You may or may not be involved in such processes. This is what is right and best for his daughter. Part of being a good step-mother is accepting this fact. If you don’t think you can handle that, you may want to consider getting some help from a family counselor, or even reconsidering your engagement.
 
I would say first get a lawyer.

Second you might want to take a close look at how much say the parents want to have about how he raises his child. They may expect the same when it comes time for you two to start having children. Setting boundaries may be a discussion for you to have NOW with the priest in pre-Cana.
 
Trackee said:
This is what I would like to do but aren’t I out of line here? I am engaged to him but isn’t he still bound to obey his parents since he is living with them? I feel that I can only do this once we get married and are living together. I am not sure why his parents are giving in to being manipulated by her instead of doing this but I feel out of line to question it at the moment. Should I maybe speak with a lawyer about the situation but not actually officially enforce anything?
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He is bound to HONOR his parents, not necessarily obey. When it comes to HIS child, HE is the father.

And that’s why HE is the one who needs to stand up to his ex and to his parents. And if anyone speaks to a lawyer, it should be him, or the two of you together, not you by yourself.

He really does need some legal advice here.
 
1ke said:
Get a lawyer.
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First: This. Your fiance should carefully seek out not just to any lawyer, but a family-law attorney who specializes in representing fathers. A non-custodial father of minors should never be without one. Careful selection of this attorney is homework your fiance ought to count well worth doing…that is, he ought to look into which lawyers have the best reputation and how much they charge. He ought not take legal advice from anyone else.

Secondly, you need to talk with your fiance about your future as a stepmother, not to mention a DIL. You are going to be co-parenting with the mother of his child, so realize that to some extent you are “marrying” her, too. She’s going to be a part of your life, and assuming you love your fiance’s child, she’s going to be in your life as the beloved mother of someone you love. Know your fiance’s attitudes and what you are getting into, because you are taking on a situation where most of the control won’t be yours, even though you will be fully obliged to help bear the burden. It is much easier to bear a trial when you can remind yourself that you took on with your eyes open. Do the work to do that.
 
Trackee said:
I am engaged to him but isn’t he still bound to obey his parents since he is living with them?
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He is 23 years old. No, he no longer “obeys” his parents. That is not a proper understanding of the 4th commandment.
Trackee said:
Should I maybe speak with a lawyer about the situation but not actually officially enforce anything?
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Your fiance needs to talk to the lawyer, and get an official custody agreement if he doesn’t already have one. He can ask for joint custody, or a regular visitation schedule.

I assume he is paying child support.
 
lerapt78 said:
Welcome OP.🙂

I’m fighting a cold and am a bit too muzzy-headed from cough medicine to address your entire post, but this one sentence popped out at me. If his ex is the manipulative, game-playing sort, might you suggest that he consult with an attorney to nip this problem in the bud?

I’m no expert on the law, but generally speaking I don’t think it’s so easy to deny a father his custodial rights without good reason (the grandparents are a different story, though). If he lets her know he’s contacted a family courts lawyer, perhaps she’ll back down a bit from threatening him?
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Good advice! A lawyer would certainly signal serious intent.

Grandparents have rights, too. They should get a lawyer, too.
 
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