Fighting non stop at Christmas

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Sina

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I don’t usually post this type of personal stuff on here… but I feel alone right now. I am fighting non stop with my husband. I am sure we are both being really mean but a lot of what he says really hurts me and I end up crying. It’s hard to communicate and discuss our fights because we have a toddler who is always in need. I am also 23 weeks pregnant so I could be hormonal.

I can’t stand to be here another minute but I know I can’t exactly run off. I feel like I have no right to run off unless he is physically abusive which he is not. I am just extremely angry.

I had horrible Christmases as a child with my parents who were in fact physically and emotionally abusive, as well as alcoholics. I just feel like Christmas is a bunch of whooey (besides the birth of Christ and the Christmas Mass mind you… I haven’t gone THAT far off of the edge). I know to focus on Christ and what his birth means for us… but when I have family issues, it is really hard.

There is so much extra pressure during the holidays to be happy. And if you aren’t happy, it sucks 10 times more.

I know in a few hours I will just forgive and forget what my husband and I fight about, but another fight will abound again. I need more patience and we need more time and not a toddler between us. I just don’t know what to do…

I know there are many of us out there with unhappy Holidays…
 
Bless your heart, Dear! I hate it that you are so unhappy on Christmas Eve. My darling daughter is also pregnant with our first grandchild (she’s 20 weeks.) Try concentrating on your precious little ones and don’t worry too much if your Christmas isn’t perfect. I have learned after many years of marriage that I have often had unrealistic expectations for the holidays. My husband and I have had our share of fights over the years, too, and we’ve been married almost 27 years.

I will offer up your little family at Midnight Mass. Blessings to you and Merry Christmas!

Kathleen :}
 
Thank you. I know I am not the only one, and I know so many people are so unhappy tonight. I saw a solider had died in Afghanistan. How sad for his family.
 
Maybe try walking away from the fights? If he starts just go to another room, lock the door, put on headphones and listen to some music or something?

If he happens to track you down and start fighting just say nothing, pretend he is not there and think of something else, count to 100 if you like.
 
Two words: Marriage Encounter. You guys already have a good marriage, you just need to work on your communication. (Don’t we all?) When things calm down, get together with your husband and try and come up with a few traditions that will be unique to YOUR growing family. It won’t be such a chore if you have your say in it.
 
*Sina, my prayers are with you …praying for a peaceful resolution so you both can enjoy the remains of the season. :console: I remember times in my marriage, when dh and I used to fight a lot…where there is love, there is understanding and a desire to work things out. Don’t go to bed angry. That has been something (since we merged back together years ago from being separated) that we try to follow. It really works, those old adages. :o

God bless you…may you have a blessed Christmas together… ❤️*
 
I am a senior who will be 70yrs.old in a few months. I only have one adult son who is married to a mentally ill woman. She doesn’t like me and my son is not a loving person either. They came to visit me for Christmas EVE… and they only stayed a few hours.I was disappointed that they didn’t bring me a present. They didn’t have much to say to me. I had to do all the talking. Boring.

Today will hopefully be a better day for me. For some reason I always get depressed on Christmas eve and Christmas day. Once those days are over I feel better.

I plan to go on a cruise next year for Christmas because cruises cheer me up. They are more expensive but I think it will be worth it if it keeps me cheered up.

I am wondering if other old seniors like me have a problem with adult children who don’t visit you much? It seems to me that when we get old and nolonger spend money on our kids they start to let go. Plus, I think we seniors must be very boring to talk with if we have a different interest. What do you all think?

I do want to say that I do thank God everyday for keeping me safe and prosperous. My health is going down hill slowly. But that is a normal part of life. I am happy to have a small dog to keep me company.

To the OP… I know you just wanted some of us to hear about your communication problems. My advise is that after the Holidays everything will go back to normal.
It is hard to be pregnant and having been abused by parents doesn’t help either.

I think at Christmas time we want to go back to the days when we were the ones receiving presents. But now it is our turn to give presents to kids and family members who may not really like their presents. I prefer to not give presents anymore due to the fact that I get feed back that some relatives didn’t like their Christmas presents.
I think it is a waste of money. Some gifts are just too expensive and made to break down.
I do give gifts to some relatives that are poor and really appreciate the gifts I give them.
It gives me joy to know that my gifts make them happy.

I woke up too early this morning on Christmas day. After today my depression will leave me hopefully. I do take meds for my depression. It really keeps me stable mentally.

I enjoy coming here to talk with other people because I don’t feel so alone since I am single and just have my dog. PEACE & JOY, Lucia
 
Thanks for the suggestions and support. Yes LaLucia, you are right, I am not the child anymore and it is my turn to make a nice happy Christmas for my child. Praying your christmas gets better.
 
To the OP ~ I think it’s hard to enjoy Christmas when you don’t have any good memories of it growing up… I struggled with it for years. I’ve finally gotten it out of my head that it needs to be some picture perfect wonderful thing or I’m still missing the mark somehow. Try to love your husband and know that the Devil would love to steal your joy… someone else suggested walking away. I’d try that… it takes two to fight - don’t even engage.

Plan a nice meal for the two of you (well, three w/ babe in the womb!) and play some nice Christmas music. For me, that’s pretty much all I need. It’s just one day, right? We build it up into this huge massive thing and it’s just one day. ((Hugs)) to you!

To Lucia ~ I’m sorry your adult children aren’t nicer to you. Shame on them for not bringing you a gift! Your post made me remember all the times I was not so great to my own Dad. As he got older and slowed down some, I was always so busy… too busy to listen to him go on about stuff I already heard. He’s been gone several years now. What I wouldn’t give to be able to sit down with him today and have a conversation. Here’s a ((Hug)) for you too!

PS> I think the cruise sounds like a WONDERFUL idea! Good for you!
 
Just be thankful that you have someone who loves you (your husband). Some of us spent the day alone and would kill anyone to have a chance at happiness. I don’t mean to have that sound mean, I spent the day drinking, and I’m still pretty drunk.
 
Sina said:
I am sure we are both being really mean but a lot of what he says really hurts me and I end up crying. , …
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A lot of married people need to learn to fight fair. There are rules to healthy marital fighting. Some of my relatives used to think it was ok to say anything when you’re angry, and they’d end up saying truly unforgiveable things that hurt people.
I recommend learning the rules, and working hard to stick to them.
Here is one example:

1.Don’t let little things that bother you build up until you explode.
2.Know what the issue is. Then stick to the subject.
3.If your spouse doesn’t want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours.
4…Don’t hit below the belt. Don’t say mean things.
5.Don’t bring up past history.
6. No name calling.
7…Listen to one another fully. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
8.Don’t interrupt.
9…Don’t blame one another or accuse.
10.Try to use “I” sentences instead of “you” sentences.
11.Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.

My one rule is simple: be respectful.
 
Hi Sina and Yellow bird, Thank you for your support.

Christmas day I woke up feeling good since the weather was nice today. I got dressed up and but a fake fur coat on my small dog and went to my Mom’s house. Lots of family members were there. They took lots of food and goodies. I took a box of donuts because my Mother loves to eat donuts.

My sister has lots of grand-children so she had fun buying lots of gifts for them. I had fun watching all of my family members and children. We were all laughing and laughing and telling jokes. I truly had lots of fun.

They all noticed how my doggie was starring at me. They wondered what she was doing that to me… I said that she was ready to go home. They thought it was cute.
As soon as I told her we were going home she got real happy.

I went to the Rite-Aid store to buy me some milk. They were having a big sale on gift boxed perfumes at 50% off and I had fun buying lots of perfumes, shower gels, lotions and other things. A man asked me how come I had so many boxes of perfumes… I said they are on sale and I am buying them all for me. I got a great deal on them.

Well… I survived Christmas Day. YEAH! For some reason New Years is not a big deal for me. My family members don’t get together for New Years for some reason.
We do spend the day time together which is nice.

Yellowbird, I am so sorry about you not spending enough time with your old dad but I am sure his spirit is still with you at times. I know you can sense him around you because he sends you “signs” that he is around you. When you see the signs you will think of him.

My adult son is the most important person in my life but because he acts so cool towards me… I don’t plan to count on him for the Holidays anymore. It just hurts my feelings.
I said to myself…“My son is reaping what he is sowing with me”. I think he will be devasted when I die and feel that he should have spent more time with me. He will realize his mistake of not spending time with me.
I plan to seek new friendships this year with people who have the same interests as I do.
I guess that is my New Years Resolution.
Yes, with God’s help I plan to go on a cruise next year. Thank you for your kind words and hug. Peace & Joy to all of you, Lucia
 
I’m 24 weeks pregnant myself, and I totally understand how things get kind of crazy! I don’t know what it is, but a few weeks ago, my husband and I were fighting a whole lot, and saying some nasty things, too. I realized that a lot of it was me being way too adversarial and assuming the worst from everything he said … which was probably a hormonal thing. The hormones are running overdrive, and also teaching you to be very defensive.

Two things helped. One was trying to remember to take a break when I got angry – even if the fight had already started. My husband’s way of dealing with conflict has always been to walk away from it till things have calmed down. Normally that drives me crazy, but adopting it has helped the emotions simmer down a whole lot – even if the intervening time between the fight and the making up is mostly spent crying (which, in my emotional state, it is). It helps me get angry and more focused on the specific things that hurt me, so that I can communicate those hurts when things are calm.

The other thing was just explaining it to my husband in a time when we weren’t fighting, just saying, “Look, I’m sorry we keep fighting, I think a lot of it is stress and the rest is hormones. We’re both stressed, but I’m really going to need you to be extra patient with me.” It was a big revelation to him when I told him that no matter how upset and adversarial I may seem, I generally would completely melt if he’d just walk over and give me a hug and tell me he really cares. The appeal to him to be the strong and calm one really seems to have worked – he no longer feels “attacked” by things I say, but is realizing they are a sign of hurt instead.

The best thing, though, is that my emotions have settled down a LOT in the past couple weeks. I feel so much more mellow, and things get to me a lot less. I think my husband is picking up on that, because he has been calmer as well. I hope that gives you something to look forward to – hopefully, as the hormones balance out, things will be a bit more peaceful.
 
Thanks for the advice everyone. I wish I could remember it when I am in the heated moment! It is very true that I get extremely sensitive and defensive about everything my DH says and does.

La Lucia, why do you think your son is so cool towards you? Some families are huggy huggy and close… and some are not so much.

Yesterday we had Christmas at my family’s house (DH’s family is on the other side of the country). My alcoholic brother (sure does run in the family) was there, and he was drunk of course. My parents weren’t as I asked them ahead of time to please not have alcohol out for my brother’s sake. They actually agreed.

My brother was acting belligerent and saying a few racist remarks which I generally don’t tolerate from anyone. My dad was telling me to shut up when I corrected my brother’s comments. I did shut up. My dad is normally the one who is angry and telling people what to do and how to behave, but I think he was just happy my brother was there, as the rest of the year, they don’t speak much.

It was painful for the first two hours… but the last two were okay. My little son 18 months old) made it fun for everyone. He was running around calling everyone and everything Santa. He squealed in delight at his new toys… and he gave everyone hugs and kisses.

Well Christmas is over… and soon it will be a New Year 🙂
 
Dear Sina

I am really sorry that you had such an awful Christmas Day. Think it is particularly difficult to be in that situation when everyone else seems to be having such an great time.

I don’t think it is surprising that Christmas is challenging for many people - all the preparation, the rush to get everything done by Christmas (whether we work in or outside the house), bad weather where people cannot get a break outside, people dropping in and in your case a toddler and another well along the way. I’d be amazed if you were sitting there all calm and Madonna-like.

However, you and husband need to stop fighting the way you are - and some other posters have given you some good ideas of what to do and what not to do. This fighting isn’t good for you, your husband, your toddler or your unborn child.
I can’t stand to be here another minute but I know I can’t exactly run off. I feel like I have no right to run off unless he is physically abusive which he is not. I am just extremely angry.
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All types of abuse are damaging and not only to the perpetrator and main victim. Your toddler will be hearing what is going on and I bet your baby is getting some rush of hormones or whatever as well. So, yes, the fighting does need to stop and it also needs to be resolved.
I had horrible Christmases as a child with my parents who were in fact physically and emotionally abusive, as well as alcoholics. I just feel like Christmas is a bunch of whooey (besides the birth of Christ and the Christmas Mass mind you…
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No wonder Christmas is such a challenge to you. You don’t have a store of happy Christmas memories to draw on. All you do have is some what not to dos. And while these can be helpful in telling you what to avoid you haven’t actually seen what a good Chritmas is like or how it is made it that way.

It’s a bit like being given a puzzle to do but there are no instructions on how to complete it.
There is so much extra pressure during the holidays to be happy. And if you aren’t happy, it sucks 10 times more.
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It also sucks if you get criticised for enjoying Christmas your way just because it is different.
I know in a few hours I will just forgive and forget what my husband and I fight about,…
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Forgive yes. Forget no. If you forget it’s very likely the same thing will happen again. Let this be an opportunity for your family to grow together and make sure that next Christmas is a better Chrismtas - not a perfect Christmas becasue I don’t think there would ever be one.

And yes get some help - marriage enrichment, counselling - you and your husband communicating better will be a blessing for your children as well.
 
So sorry Sina. Things get so stressful around Christmas for some reason.

I almost feel there are 2 different things going on the same day. The birth of our Lord is the important part of the day. Then there is the part (at least for me) of feeling stressed on how to make everyone happy. I try hard to get nice gifts for extended family (neices, nephews, sibling, mom, and in-laws) Plus wanting to make it special for kids and DH. I feel burnt out and cranky.

Prayers.
 
Hello everybody! I had a great time with my relatives on Christmas day.It was fun watching the children enjoying opening up their gifts. Everybody knows that I don’t give gifts at Christmas since I am a senior now and retired. But I had a bottle of Tequila alcohol
to give away to my adult wealthy nephew who just loved his bottle of Tequila. He has a Bar at home and he likes to entertain quests with a drink each. I was surprised that he was so happy with that bottle of booze. He is not an alcoholic either. I guest it is the thought that counts.

Hi Sina, I think my adult son closed down his heart a long time ago. He talks more with me when his wife doesn’t visit with him. When she shows up he is real quiet because he wants to please her. She controls him and he lets her. I guess my adult son is a whim.
I used to call him “Whimpy”… when he was a baby and I guess he grew up to be a whim.lol. I have a feeling he may be a little mentally ill with depression. He grew up to be more like his father who didn’t say much about anything.

Regarding your brother… your dad has reached an age where he has learned to love his alcoholic son unconditionally sp. When parents become seniors they get really happy just to be able to see their adult children and grand-children.

I had alcoholic parents and I learned very young that you can’t reason with a drunk person.
God takes care of them too because that is a mental illness too. People drink to feel psychologically better… that is what a doctor told me.
It’s too bad your brother has that problem. I hope and pray that someday he will decide to stop drinking and see a doctor for help.

HEY!.. WE SURVIVED CHRISTMAS! YEAH! IT IS an ordeal at times because we never know what is going to happen with our family members when they get together. Sometimes there are arguments that makes it ugly for us.

What happened to me was… that just as I was walking up some stairs to my Mom’s house my right knee made a sound of a crack and my knee hurt a lot… but it got better after a few hours. I think I just injured a ligament on my knee. I plan to see a doctor to check it out. I do have artritis on my knees and I should have worn my knee brace.

My cleaning lady is here now cleaning up my condo so that will be helpful. LaLucia
I just now have a little pain and swelling on it.
 
Sina said:
I don’t usually post this type of personal stuff on here… but I feel alone right now. I am fighting non stop with my husband. I am sure we are both being really mean but a lot of what he says really hurts me and I end up crying. It’s hard to communicate and discuss our fights because we have a toddler who is always in need. I am also 23 weeks pregnant so I could be hormonal.

I can’t stand to be here another minute but I know I can’t exactly run off. I feel like I have no right to run off unless he is physically abusive which he is not. I am just extremely angry.

I had horrible Christmases as a child with my parents who were in fact physically and emotionally abusive, as well as alcoholics. I just feel like Christmas is a bunch of whooey (besides the birth of Christ and the Christmas Mass mind you… I haven’t gone THAT far off of the edge). I know to focus on Christ and what his birth means for us… but when I have family issues, it is really hard.

There is so much extra pressure during the holidays to be happy. And if you aren’t happy, it sucks 10 times more.

I know in a few hours I will just forgive and forget what my husband and I fight about, but another fight will abound again. I need more patience and we need more time and not a toddler between us. I just don’t know what to do…

I know there are many of us out there with unhappy Holidays…
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YUP darling it’s hormonal…BELIEVE ME!! AM GOING THROUGH THIS MYSELF! I had to come here to get help on the family pregnancy place and let me tell you prayers have worked…Best thing I can advise you to is to try and relax, try and control yourself and talk to your hubby! TALK! Help him understand what you are going through otherwise it will get worst not better…If you guys need to seek counseling…Believe me it will pass but you have to put a little of your part…Believe me I have been 3 months without full nights sleep, migraines ear infection 3 kids to raise, throat infection cold, sinus pressure constipation bowl syndrome which is extremely painful and no meds!!! Believe me if I could I would blow something up! jkjkj Seriously though I am not someone likable at the moment but I am trying to control myself…Really trying very hard! The more I pray and try the better I can react to things and behave…

Don’t lose hope and just talk to your hubby! GOD BLESS! GOOD LUCK!
 
Seriously - get a babysitter or a friend for a while - have them watch the toddler and have some alone time with yourself and them some with your husband. I try to do this for the parents of our God Children - I’ll fly up to Washington or Tennessee a couple of times a year and stay for a week giving each of them a break and some precious time alone - as they get older, they’re being sent to us for a bit at a time. Call on your toddler’s God Parents to help if nothing else- one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is a loving Father and Mother - who are still married. TAKE A BREAK no matter what you have to do!
God Bless and I’ll say a prayer-
Rye
 
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