Finally Shunned for Tolerating Abusive Spouse

[EasterJoy]

I know of a situation where a woman is being emotionally abused by her second husband, meaning there are many instances where he has verbally berated her in front of others, to the extent that the others won’t be in the company of the husband any more. (They’re still on good terms with the wife.) It goes beyond losing his temper and saying things he doesn’t mean. There was at least one instance of physically striking out at her, too, and other socially aggressive behavior. It is hard to tell, as she has always been private, even before she married. This is the stuff that he either did with witnesses or she disclosed when she was upset.

Her grown children are afraid what this second husband might do to their mother physically, not to mention the wearing away at her that the verbal abuse must be doing. Their mother had previously left a verbally abusive relationship, but it took a long time, and basically was brought to a head because of other irresponsibility on the 1st husband’s part. Each child in turn has begged her to leave the second husband, but she goes back and forth now concerning whether what her current husband is doing is something she’s willing to tolerate. He has issues that could possibly make him less culpable, but there isn’t any reason to believe that he’s making an effort to mitigate those issues in order to avoid acting out. Her children have concluded, one by one, that if they stay around while she stays in this relationship, they feel complicit. It is probably also very difficult for them to be in that situation again, of knowing she is being abused and not being able to do anything about it nor convince her to do anything about it. (The woman visits her children and grandchildren without her second husband, and has for a long time.)

I can understand why they’re doing this, but the effect is that she’s being shunned. She talks as if it will “blow over”, and she does have other friends and extended family. There isn’t much reason to believe that her children will reconcile with her before she leaves her abusive husband, and I don’t think that is what she means by “blow over”. In the meantime, she has lost contact with her grandchildren over this, one family at a time. She only visited the children and grandchildren without her husband, she didn’t do it extremely often, but she did enjoy it very much.

What is the effect of this? What’s the effect likely to be on them, what’s the effect likely to be on her? The various family members sometimes confide in me on the rare occasions when I see them in person. So far, I’ve only been listening, having them clarify what it is that they’re saying. All I can say from that is there isn’t much disagreements on the facts of the situation as given above. I could not in good conscience require even an adult child to watch and know that his mother is being abused* again*, that he or she can do nothing, and ask that they just hang around and pretend with their mom that it isn’t happening. Putting distance between this “background” drama of powerlessness and their family does seem to help them cope, although they find the situation sad.

Beyond listening, I have no idea what I’d say. I just don’t know. Maybe there is nothing to say, unless perhaps she asks outright, “Should I stay or should I leave?” Generally speaking, unsolicited advice doesn’t work very well, and there isn’t much doubt this woman has gotten lots of it. She is in counseling, but by her account she mostly uses it to get a chance to talk, which doesn’t happen with her husband around, therapist or not.

I don’t think there is anything I can do if I’m not asked, save to pray for her and if I don’t run into her to occasionally call up and say, “How are you doing?” from time to time. I’m afraid for her, too, though. It is such a sad situation.

Ideas? Comments? Similar experiences?

 

[maltmom]

I will join you in prayer for this woman and her family. This is such a horrible situation.

I’ve only had to deal with this once in my life. In the early 80’s my best friend was being abused by her husband. It started with a slap here, a slap there. Major fighting with her being called every name in the book. The slapping slowing turned to a punch. I tried to her into leaving that things were going to keep escalating. She’d throw him out and then take him back. Finally he beat her so badly she ended up in the hospital. I told her that if she went back home to him that I could no longer be her friend. That there was no way I’d stand there and watch him kill her. If she left, I’d do everything I could to help her and her daughter. She went back to him. I told her I was sorry, but that I’d be there if and when she decided to leave. She never called and about 20 years later I saw where she had died at 42 of a heart attack.

God has given you a wonderful way with words and with people. The Holy Spirit will guide on what to say and when to say it.

 

[Bezant]

It’s sad, but it’s important that you recognise your limits at all times.

The best you can do is pray, and keep your door open to her.

 

[EasterJoy]

I will join you in prayer for this woman and her family. This is such a horrible situation.

I’ve only had to deal with this once in my life. In the early 80’s my best friend was being abused by her husband. It started with a slap here, a slap there. Major fighting with her being called every name in the book. The slapping slowing turned to a punch. I tried to her into leaving that things were going to keep escalating. She’d throw him out and then take him back. Finally he beat her so badly she ended up in the hospital. I told her that if she went back home to him that I could no longer be her friend. That there was no way I’d stand there and watch him kill her. If she left, I’d do everything I could to help her and her daughter. She went back to him. I told her I was sorry, but that I’d be there if and when she decided to leave. She never called and about 20 years later I saw where she had died at 42 of a heart attack.

God has given you a wonderful way with words and with people. The Holy Spirit will guide on what to say and when to say it.

It’s hard to accept there is nothing one can do, but I know you’re right. It is just very hard to watch.

 

[jeannetherese]

helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
the above link may be helpful, both to you and to your friend.
Unfortunately, isolation tends to be one of the components of domestic violence; I fear that the choice by the children to withdraw only increases the vulnerability of the mother. Calling the local 211 or crisis line with this situation should help you to find resources available to your friend. A women’s domestic violence group may be available in her area where she can begin to listen to other women share their experiences.
I f you, or anyone else have witnessed the abuse, calling law enforcement when it occurs is an option. In my state, an arrest will be made and the beginnings of a paper trail developed.
Validating her as a child of God, letting her know you are there and care and supporting her right to live without fear in relationship are all important. Taking her out, so that she can have moments in diferent surroundings experiencing peace or just going shopping , to a movie, etc. can all give her a different sense of what normal life might feel like.
Perhaps the children can start by calling and writing regularly?
It sounds as if counseling might be almost as important for them as for the mom.
May God bless them all; may she find the support and courage to stand up for herself and may her husband to find the courage to grow in love and faith and tenderness. Amen.

 

[maltmom]

It’s hard to accept there is nothing one can do, but I know you’re right. It is just very hard to watch.

I had sought out help to see what I could do to help her. I was told “tough love.” That by always being there to listen to her I was enabling her to stay with him. That by walking away it would make her realize that her situation was dire.

It is very hard to watch.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

When people don’t want to be helped, it is simply not possible to help them. Her children have tried, as well as a number of other people. Yet your friend is choosing to stay in that situation.

This reminds me of my mother, who was also verbally and emotionally abused by my father for a very long time. People tried to help, gave advice, suggested she should leave. But she stayed, hoped their marriage would improve, put up with awful things. In the end he left her, not to my surprise. It was a terrible thing to witness and I felt so helpless. I understand how you feel.

Just be there for her and continue doing what you have been doing. Sometimes that is all a friend can do. Maybe at some point she will decide to take a step forward and ask you for help. You sound like a strong woman who knows what to do in a crisis and I’m sure she knows you care about her.

 

[vsedriver]

I had sought out help to see what I could do to help her. I was told “tough love.” That by always being there to listen to her I was enabling her to stay with him. That by walking away it would make her realize that her situation was dire.

It is very hard to watch.

people stay in relationships for a variety of reasons. Until she no longer gets what she wants from the relationship she will stay with him.

 

[Auntie_A]

I was once told that if you kick out an alcoholic, you now get a homeless alcoholic. This idea of shunning and avoiding can isolate the sick or lost person.

There are no easy, pat answers here. The concept of “you’re enabling her by staying in the relationship” might be just as foolish as the “I’m the only one left in her life” stance.

The abused are often familiar and comfortable with abuse; change and healing feels cold, foreign, and frightening…at first.

I know it is hard but if you can keep a line open to her with the caveat that you are aware there is a problem and you must be able to speak freely about the abuse. If she then continues to isolate herself, stand as near as you can tolerate (be very careful) and pray.
Learn more about abuse and abusers. Never treat this subject glibly. We really don’t know what will happen, for good or for bad.

Denial takes all forms and sometimes the wall does tumble down. And, sadly, sometimes it doesn’t.

 

[silicasandra]

Auntie A:

The abused are often familiar and comfortable with abuse; change and healing feels cold, foreign, and frightening…at first.

I was thinking about this too.

When the woman visits her children and grandchildren, is she staying for hours or for days? How close are they? My thought is, if she is going to get out of that house, she needs a place to stay. Yes, there are shelters, etc. but I know I would be terrified going into that situation (the abuse must be terrifying too, but there’s a familiarity with it that does offer a weird kind of comfort). I would much rather stay with relatives or a friend. Would one of her children be able to accommodate her? Have they offered?

I also wonder if it could even be for a little while - “Wow, Mom, it’s so great having you around to help with the kids and I know how much they miss you when you’re gone! We have the guest room set up pretty nicely, would you like to stay for a week or two next time you come?”

Not that you can tell the children what to say…it’s just the tactic I would try if I were one of the kids, I think.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I was thinking about this too.

When the woman visits her children and grandchildren, is she staying for hours or for days? How close are they? My thought is, if she is going to get out of that house, she needs a place to stay. Yes, there are shelters, etc. but I know I would be terrified going into that situation (the abuse must be terrifying too, but there’s a familiarity with it that does offer a weird kind of comfort). I would much rather stay with relatives or a friend. Would one of her children be able to accommodate her? Have they offered?

I also wonder if it could even be for a little while - “Wow, Mom, it’s so great having you around to help with the kids and I know how much they miss you when you’re gone! We have the guest room set up pretty nicely, would you like to stay for a week or two next time you come?”

Not that you can tell the children what to say…it’s just the tactic I would try if I were one of the kids, I think.

I don’t think EasterJoy mentioned physical violence, but if that were the case, going to a relative’s home could place them and the abused woman at tremendous physical risk. Abusers tend to know exactly where their victim would go if they left, and they’re not inhibited about going there and committing more abuse, sometimes leading to death. A shelter is not a perfect place to be, but there is usually pretty good security and the abuser may not know where his victim is.

I would NEVER recommend the family of someone being abused to take them in. As cruel as it sounds, the victim and the family has a much better chance of survival if they allow the victim to go to a safe house.

 

[EasterJoy]

My thinking is that although she is being deprived of her children and grandchildren (whom I think she saw for a day or an afternoon or evening once or twice a month or so…nothing regularly set up, as nearly as I can tell), she is not being shunned at all by her immediate family or her circle of friends. The children were already avoiding visiting her at her home because they didn’t think they could be sure enough that it was physically safe. They see their mother’s second husband as extremely unpredictable. Based on my limited first-hand experiences with him, I can’t quarrel with that.

Because of that, it isn’t fair to ask the children who had to grow up watching her be verbally abused witness the whole thing all over again. It isn’t happening in their presence, because they avoid contact with him, but they know it is going on because she can’t help but mention it sometimes, and then refuses to hear a word of it when they say afraid she’ll be hurt if she doesn’t get out. Other times, she down-plays both prior acts by this husband and what happened to her during her first marriage. She also downplays the physical violence that did happen in the second marriage. He does have a military background, so her children would not feel they could keep her safe in their homes with them.

To my mind, asking the children to stick in there with her is asking them to endure abuse themselves all over again. I don’t see how anyone can ask that of them. The best we can do is to honor their decision to let the rest of us handle her support, while they keep themselves and their own families removed from experiencing the abuse. That is a natural consequence that she is just going to have to endure for the time being, as sad as that is. I don’t see a better alternative.

As for me, I think I’ll try to give her more opportunities to get out of the house, to confide in me if she wants to, and other than that let her have control of her own life. I don’t see anything more forceful or active as being something productive.

 

[Auntie_A]

Another thought occurred to me: In remembering women who have escaped abusive marriages, there was always a financial component. I have met a few women who had to slowly save money through the years so they could slip away safely. One woman told me that she took a few dollars from her grocery money, saved it for twenty years until the children were grown and out of the home, then rented a car and went to the opposite end of the country and went to school to become a nurse. Her children stayed in touch but she remained safe.

Perhaps someone can address the financial issue with the family and see if they could create a solid plan for her when she is ready to stop being party to her own abuse.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I went through it - there was a physical component. One of the hardest parts is that if people start shunning the abused she may feel that there is no where for her to turn. In my case my xh told people in the community the problem was me so when I looked around all of a sudden people were shying away and I did not know why. I felt like I had no choice but to rely on him. It made me stay longer. I almost died in that situation. These are some things to consider.

 

[EasterJoy]

I went through it - there was a physical component. One of the hardest parts is that if people start shunning the abused she may feel that there is no where for her to turn. In my case my xh told people in the community the problem was me so when I looked around all of a sudden people were shying away and I did not know why. I felt like I had no choice but to rely on him. It made me stay longer. I almost died in that situation. These are some things to consider.

Let us just say that nobody who knows anything about her situation thinks that it is her fault in the least, and I feel safe in saying they never will. She is a longtime local in her area and she is well-liked, while her second husband is a relative newcomer who doesn’t have the most tact in the world. He is not one of these charmers who can lie through his teeth and have everyone believing him against all reason. I don’t think he is remotely capable of turning the public opinion in her circle against her.

I did consider letting her know that I respected that this is all her decision, but giving her a card with the local crisis lines and telling her I would feel much better if she’d keep one in her car and one in her purse, so I’d know she’d have someone to call immediately if she had any problems.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Let us just say that nobody who knows anything about her situation thinks that it is her fault in the least, and I feel safe in saying they never will. She is a longtime local in her area and she is well-liked, while her second husband is a relative newcomer who doesn’t have the most tact in the world. He is not one of these charmers who can lie through his teeth and have everyone believing him against all reason. I don’t think he is remotely capable of turning the public opinion in her circle against her.

I did consider letting her know that I respected that this is all her decision, but giving her a card with the local crisis lines and telling her I would feel much better if she’d keep one in her car and one in her purse, so I’d know she’d have someone to call immediately if she had any problems.

I think that this would be a good idea. One of the things with abuse is that the psychological damage is done long before the physical is. An abuser often convinces the abused that she/he (yes men are abused too - I have a male friend who is leaving a 15 year abusive relationship - seven of it married) is not worthy of being loved, no one will believe them, that the police will do nothing, they cannot prove it, etc. This is one of the reasons shunning behavior is so dangerous - it reinforces what the abuser is telling the victim. The most important thing people can do is love the abused. This love must be unconditional and it must be without judgement. God bless,

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Let us just say that nobody who knows anything about her situation thinks that it is her fault in the least, and I feel safe in saying they never will. She is a longtime local in her area and she is well-liked, while her second husband is a relative newcomer who doesn’t have the most tact in the world. He is not one of these charmers who can lie through his teeth and have everyone believing him against all reason. I don’t think he is remotely capable of turning the public opinion in her circle against her.

I did consider letting her know that I respected that this is all her decision, but giving her a card with the local crisis lines and telling her I would feel much better if she’d keep one in her car and one in her purse, so I’d know she’d have someone to call immediately if she had any problems.

Abusers are not above going through their victim’s purse and car to find cards and information about shelters. Please be careful. It would be best for her to memorize a number of a shelter and leave no trails behind.

Could you start a fund for her at a bank? Would her children contribute to it? It would only be used in case of her getting out. Of course she could always say she was out and then go back to him…But if she had a small savings account, to be given to her once she was safely in a shelter, that might help her when the time comes.

Was her first abuser the children’s father? You said this is her second marriage so I am assuming that is true. If so, no wonder the children want nothing to do with another abuser.

 

[skigirl1689]

Is the couple older? Not that age excuses anything, but I think the older the abused person is, that factor makes it harder for him or her to leave. A relative of mine knows of an elderly couple in a similar situation and it has been going on for decades but she will never leave, though she says her kids have offered. Thankfully, neither is isolated so I think it helps to an extent.

I agree with the others, there is not much you can do if the abused person does not want to leave the relationship besides praying and if you can, lending an ear.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Here’s a different angle that might be something to consider:
You mention this is a second husband. Is she Catholic, and if so, do you know if they were married in the Church? If not, instead of drawing attention to the abuse, someone might try bringing up Catholic marriage laws as a reason for her to get out of there.

 

[EasterJoy]

Abusers are not above going through their victim’s purse and car to find cards and information about shelters. Please be careful. It would be best for her to memorize a number of a shelter and leave no trails behind.

Could you start a fund for her at a bank? Would her children contribute to it? It would only be used in case of her getting out. Of course she could always say she was out and then go back to him…But if she had a small savings account, to be given to her once she was safely in a shelter, that might help her when the time comes.

Was her first abuser the children’s father? You said this is her second marriage so I am assuming that is true. If so, no wonder the children want nothing to do with another abuser.

I thought to put the emergency numbers inside one of those cute little cards or inside a holy card, the ones that come in a plastic sleeve, for just that reason. She has a purse like carry-on luggage, though, so I don’t think it would be noticed. Besides, she is well-educated, has a job outside the home, someone everyone might assume would know where to call…and she would. This is more like using the power of suggestion to say, “There is a place to call.” A little information in her purse, saying “Use Me”.

I don’t think this is a money issue (although I’ve learned that you can never tell what people have in their bank accounts by exterior clues like what they do for a living or what they do or don’t spend). They are both Catholic. Her first husband was also Catholic, she obtained a decree of nullity (which took her a long time to get around to, even after the divorce), and the second marriage was also a Catholic wedding. I think she really wants her second marriage to work is why she is not leaving. I think there is a “good Catholics don’t get divorced” thing in the back of her mind.