Finally Shunned for Tolerating Abusive Spouse

[Auntie_A]

I was surprised and impressed that the Church’s annulment criterion includes one for abuse, especially when a person has entered a marriage without clear adult awareness of their own or their spouse’s past abuse, usually, but not exclusively, as a child. The belief appears to stem from the way past abuse can inform one’s choice of an abusive spouse or of abusive behavior. It can cause someone to make unconscious decisions that work against one’s own good. Perhaps a visit to a marriage tribunal priest is in order?

 

[sirius25]

I know how hard it is having lived in a home with domestic violence myself and seeing someone you love being hurt. More frustrating it is that the situation is beyond our control. I’m praying for your friend

 

[EasterJoy]

I was surprised and impressed that the Church’s annulment criterion includes one for abuse, especially when a person has entered a marriage without clear adult awareness of their own or their spouse’s past abuse, usually, but not exclusively, as a child. The belief appears to stem from the way past abuse can inform one’s choice of an abusive spouse or of abusive behavior. It can cause someone to make unconscious decisions that work against one’s own good. Perhaps a visit to a marriage tribunal priest is in order?

That is a very useful piece of information; I did not know that. Marriages enjoy the presumption of validity, true, but having said that the groom in the instance at hand shows so many signs of incapacity that I don’t think there will be any question whether this particular marriage would be declared null if a petition were made. The bride in question has several priests as personal friends, so I don’t think that is an issue here. Still, within the general topic, it is good to know about the aspect of how the Church sees the issue of assessing original marital consent.

IOW, in this particular case, the problem isn’t worrying about whether the Church would see inherent incapacity. It is just something the victim is loathe to admit, as most of us who are truly committed to our marriages would be, to be fair. Everyone has faults and defects that make marriage more difficult. Everyone has to be willing to forgive faults in their spouse, too. It is hard to admit when one is in the marriage where these go so far as to make the entire attempt impossible. I think that is where she is; that, and she knows how hard it is to get through a divorce and annulment. Besides, she is fond of her husband, in spite of his faults. She is naturally a very forgiving person. Sometimes, that good quality leaves a person vulnerable to tolerating what is too much for anyone’s spiritual good, including her errant spouse.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I thought to put the emergency numbers inside one of those cute little cards or inside a holy card, the ones that come in a plastic sleeve, for just that reason. She has a purse like carry-on luggage, though, so I don’t think it would be noticed. Besides, she is well-educated, has a job outside the home, someone everyone might assume would know where to call…and she would. This is more like using the power of suggestion to say, “There is a place to call.” A little information in her purse, saying “Use Me”.

I don’t think this is a money issue (although I’ve learned that you can never tell what people have in their bank accounts by exterior clues like what they do for a living or what they do or don’t spend). They are both Catholic. Her first husband was also Catholic, she obtained a decree of nullity (which took her a long time to get around to, even after the divorce), and the second marriage was also a Catholic wedding. I think she really wants her second marriage to work is why she is not leaving. I think there is a “good Catholics don’t get divorced” thing in the back of her mind.

When one is in denial about abuse, shelter numbers are the LAST thing one thinks of. It doesn’t matter what economic strata a person is in - abuse is abuse, and denial is denial. I don’t know exactly how shelters stay hidden these days, when the internet can trace many numbers to an address. But making sure the abuser doesn’t know where the victim has gone is critical to keeping her safe as well as every other woman in the shelter. If an abuser finds the location of the shelter, and he’s unstable, he could kill everyone in the shelter including children.

If you’ve never been in the situation, it’s rather difficult to grasp the magnitude of the danger. Of course you say this man hasn’t gotten very physical (yet) but you don’t necessarily know everything, either.

So is the first husband the father of her children?

 

[EasterJoy]

When one is in denial about abuse, shelter numbers are the LAST thing one thinks of. It doesn’t matter what economic strata a person is in - abuse is abuse, and denial is denial. I don’t know exactly how shelters stay hidden these days, when the internet can trace many numbers to an address. But making sure the abuser doesn’t know where the victim has gone is critical to keeping her safe as well as every other woman in the shelter. If an abuser finds the location of the shelter, and he’s unstable, he could kill everyone in the shelter including children.

If you’ve never been in the situation, it’s rather difficult to grasp the magnitude of the danger. Of course you say this man hasn’t gotten very physical (yet) but you don’t necessarily know everything, either.

So is the first husband the father of her children?

The first husband is the father of the children.

As far as shelters, I think that women with more money and education might think, “Oh, those are for other women, not someone like me with a college education.” They are the kind of women who think they’re smart enough to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, too. In every other phase of life, they’re used to making sacrifices, using their heads, being dependable, and solving problems for the people around them. They aren’t used to thinking that there are problems they can’t solve.

I don’t know that the abuser could guess where his spouse might go, if she were to flee the house. She has family and also many lifelong friends in the area she lives. It’s not to say he wouldn’t think he could guess on the first guess, but in reality it would be like finding a needle in a haystack. I actually think her husband would assume that the last place she would go would be to a shelter.

To be honest, I was thinking maybe the card would give her one more option for when she finds herself fleeing her own home and wondering, “What now?” It will be validation to her mind that those around her believed she was in danger and might need help on a moment’s notice, maybe when her nearest relatives aren’t in town. More to the point, she is so considerate that it might even be important that this would be a phone number she’d feel free to call at two or three in the morning.

 

[horselvr]

In the beginning of this thread my heart just broke for this woman as friends/family were backing away from her in her abusive situation.

After reading further here’s the run down:

Woman was abused in her first marriage.
Woman is being abused by her second husband too.
Grown children and friends have tried to help her but she remains in the abuse.
She is an educated woman with a job so she can obviously support herself.
She has family and friends around her.

She obviously has not had enough and EasterJoy while I feel you are a wonderful friend trying to help her----she has to finally hit the end of her rope and then she will walk.

Be there for her but realize there is only so much you can do as a friend of a woman that is just not ready to leave for whatever reason.

Blessings to you EasterJoy.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

The first husband is the father of the children.

As far as shelters, I think that women with more money and education might think, “Oh, those are for other women, not someone like me with a college education.” They are the kind of women who think they’re smart enough to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, too. In every other phase of life, they’re used to making sacrifices, using their heads, being dependable, and solving problems for the people around them. They aren’t used to thinking that there are problems they can’t solve.

I don’t know that the abuser could guess where his spouse might go, if she were to flee the house. She has family and also many lifelong friends in the area she lives. It’s not to say he wouldn’t think he could guess on the first guess, but in reality it would be like finding a needle in a haystack. I actually think her husband would assume that the last place she would go would be to a shelter.

To be honest, I was thinking maybe the card would give her one more option for when she finds herself fleeing her own home and wondering, “What now?” It will be validation to her mind that those around her believed she was in danger and might need help on a moment’s notice, maybe when her nearest relatives aren’t in town. More to the point, she is so considerate that it might even be important that this would be a phone number she’d feel free to call at two or three in the morning.

I do hate to be so pedantic about it, but one should never assume anything about an abuser. Many if not most of them seem to almost be psychic - it was true in my case and I have spoken to many other women who said the same thing. Perhaps I was a little too lax at some point and my abuser took advantage, I don’t know - although I can’t imagine a time when I gave him my friend’s address. Probably he went through my belongings and found my friend’s address at some point. All I know is that when I moved out while he was at work, the next day he was at her house trying to get me to answer the door, as I hid and prayed that he wouldn’t just break into the house. Thankfully, he didn’t. He eventually left. He then harassed me at work for a few days, but finally gave up.

My counselor told me never to take my safety for granted with someone like him. And thus, I try to warn people to always be very vigilant, and circumspect to the point of paranoia. It took quite a long time for me to believe that I had been being abused, so your friend may well still be in denial, even after going through her first marriage. My problem was that I didn’t see myself as “that type” of woman. I’d been independent for a long time and was not a weak person. That was a huge hurdle to overcome - seeing myself as “that type” of woman who would fall for such a jerk. But they aren’t always jerks.

 

[EasterJoy]

In the beginning of this thread my heart just broke for this woman as friends/family were backing away from her in her abusive situation.

After reading further here’s the run down:

Woman was abused in her first marriage.
Woman is being abused by her second husband too.
Grown children and friends have tried to help her but she remains in the abuse.
She is an educated woman with a job so she can obviously support herself.
She has family and friends around her.

She obviously has not had enough and EasterJoy while I feel you are a wonderful friend trying to help her----she has to finally hit the end of her rope and then she will walk.

Be there for her but realize there is only so much you can do as a friend of a woman that is just not ready to leave for whatever reason.

Blessings to you EasterJoy.

Yes, that is about it…that and the (too common, I am afraid) aspect that I think from her perspective this was boiling the frog by turning the temperature up one degree at a time. His own friends are surprised at his behavior (which came out in their presence and frankly shocked them), and although he wasn’t exactly super well-liked by all her friends, he didn’t walk into her life or theirs with “guns blazing”. I think perhaps he had never been married, so even his own friends only saw his public face. He has had some work issues, but I don’t know if his spouse knew anything about that before they married. But we are getting into hearsay of hearsay, so who knows about that.