Finding a good Catholic spouse

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misfitz

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I’m not sure if this is the correct forum to post this in.

Can anyone offer any suggestions as to how to go about meeting single Catholic men? I’m 42 years old and I’ve never been married. I had stayed away from the dating scene for several years for several reasons.

As I decided to “come back”, I signed up on a Catholic singles site, but there are a very limited number of men in my area. LDR is not my thing. I attempted that already and I just don’t seem to have the strength for that. It also seems that many of the men I’ve encountered on that site are only players.

My church does not have any singles groups.

I’m at a loss. My mother seems to be of the belief that if it’s God’s will for me to marry one day, He will basically just throw someone out in front of me. :rolleyes:
 
misfitz said:
I’m not sure if this is the correct forum to post this in.

Can anyone offer any suggestions as to how to go about meeting single Catholic men? I’m 42 years old and I’ve never been married. I had stayed away from the dating scene for several years for several reasons.

As I decided to “come back”, I signed up on a Catholic singles site, but there are a very limited number of men in my area. LDR is not my thing. I attempted that already and I just don’t seem to have the strength for that. It also seems that many of the men I’ve encountered on that site are only players.

My church does not have any singles groups.

I’m at a loss. My mother seems to be of the belief that if it’s God’s will for me to marry one day, He will basically just throw someone out in front of me. :rolleyes:
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What is LDR? Is that a Mormon group, like LDS?

Anyway, your mother’s belief is designed to do one of two things: either to console you, or to get you off her back. Either way, it does a disservice to you because it can lead you to complacency or “giving up” during your childbearing years.

I feel your pain because I’m a male in the same boat.

The only thoughts I have are:
  1. In confession, a priest once asked me if I make myself available.
  2. When someone tries to discourage you, push back at them - tell them that discouraging talk does not help and insist that you are not interested in being single for the rest of your life. Also read CCC 1603, which states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature, so you should not feel guilty for wanting to get married, especially if you have discerned a celibate vocation and found that it is not for you. The only reason I am vocal about this is because the discouragement of others can really take the wind out of one’s sails.
  3. How far are you from New Orleans?
 
Pray to St Anne. In New Orleans there is a shrine dedicated to her where people go and pray to find a spouse. We have had 2 customers come back and tell us that they found spouses by praying to St. Anne. I say try it. God Bless.
 
Norseman82 said:
What is LDR? Is that a Mormon group, like LDS?

Anyway, your mother’s belief is designed to do one of two things: either to console you, or to get you off her back. Either way, it does a disservice to you because it can lead you to complacency or “giving up” during your childbearing years.

I feel your pain because I’m a male in the same boat.

The only thoughts I have are:
  1. In confession, a priest once asked me if I make myself available.
  2. When someone tries to discourage you, push back at them - tell them that discouraging talk does not help and insist that you are not interested in being single for the rest of your life. Also read CCC 1603, which states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature, so you should not feel guilty for wanting to get married, especially if you have discerned a celibate vocation and found that it is not for you. The only reason I am vocal about this is because the discouragement of others can really take the wind out of one’s sails.
  3. How far are you from New Orleans?
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I’m not the least bit concerned about the childbearing years. One thing I’ve never understood are the LARGE number of women AND men who seem so distraught over the fact that they are getting older and have this desperation of having children. If they really wanted children, they would be open to adoption, foster parenting or even mentoring. Do they just not understand that children are gifts not a right? There are plenty of young people in their twenties who are unable to have children. So there is no guarantee that one will have any at all regardless of age.

There are too many DNA snobs who are dead set on having their own flesh and blood when there are plenty of children in need of a good, loving home.

I think I’m about 75 miles from New Orleans.

I had a priest tell me the same thing…that I need to make myself available if I am seeking a Catholic spouse. However, it’s just not that easy. There seems to be so few Catholics who really are Catholic. It’s discouraging to see the number of them who think premarital sex is okay, shacking up is okay, etc.

Maybe I should have a t-shirt made with a “singles” ad on the back and a number where I can be reached. :eek:
 
misfitz said:
I’m not the least bit concerned about the childbearing years. One thing I’ve never understood are the LARGE number of women AND men who seem so distraught over the fact that they are getting older and have this desperation of having children. If they really wanted children, they would be open to adoption, foster parenting or even mentoring. Do they just not understand that children are gifts not a right? There are plenty of young people in their twenties who are unable to have children. So there is no guarantee that one will have any at all regardless of age.

There are too many DNA snobs who are dead set on having their own flesh and blood when there are plenty of children in need of a good, loving home.
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Well, the urge to reproduce is not a matter of snobbery, it is part of the biological programming we have received from God. It’s part of human nature.

Also, from what I’ve heard from people, many adoption agencies will not adopt to older couples.

Additionally, the part of the catechism that speaks about children being a gift and not a right is written in context of unnatural methods of conception and should not be misinterpreted to discourage people from seeking marriage within their childbearing years.

But I guess it all depends on what one’s goals are in life. If you are OK with never having biological children, that is your goal, but please do not fault others who have the goal of biological (as long as they do so morally); it is not anyone’s place to fault them.
misfitz said:
Maybe I should have a t-shirt made with a “singles” ad on the back and a number where I can be reached. :eek:
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Reminds me of the Beverly Hillbillies movie where Jethro rents a billboard and plasters Jed’s picture with the words “Billionaire seeks wife”.

You may also want to ask your parish priest(s) if the (arch-)diocese or another nearby parish has anything for singles/young adults to meet others. Just be aware that you may be met with the modern pre-programmed response about the glories of single life/single vocation.
 
Norseman82 said:
Well, the urge to reproduce is not a matter of snobbery, it is part of the biological programming we have received from God. It’s part of human nature.

Also, from what I’ve heard from people, many adoption agencies will not adopt to older couples.

Additionally, the part of the catechism that speaks about children being a gift and not a right is written in context of unnatural methods of conception and should not be misinterpreted to discourage people from seeking marriage within their childbearing years.

But I guess it all depends on what one’s goals are in life. If you are OK with never having biological children, that is your goal, but please do not fault others who have the goal of biological (as long as they do so morally); it is not anyone’s place to fault them.

Reminds me of the Beverly Hillbillies movie where Jethro rents a billboard and plasters Jed’s picture with the words “Billionaire seeks wife”.

You may also want to ask your parish priest(s) if the (arch-)diocese or another nearby parish has anything for singles/young adults to meet others. Just be aware that you may be met with the modern pre-programmed response about the glories of single life/single vocation.
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What puzzles me are those who seek marriage with children as their primary focus. In other words, there are some women who want children so badly, that they take the first man who will have them. Same thing with some men. They seek a woman based on what he may believe to be fertility. Heck, some women don’t even wait for a man to marry them. They just have a child out of wedlock if they want children.

I think people need to first seek a good spouse. Someone they have lots in common with such as morals, values, likes, dislikes, etc. This way, IF, in the event they cannot produce a child through their union, they will have a lifelong partner that they love and cherish and will be happy to spend the rest of their lives with.

It just seems to me that the way to go about it is to first seek out a good spouse and then allow everything else fall into place. They just seem to want the children before finding a mate.
 
Norseman82 said:
You may also want to ask your parish priest(s) if the (arch-)diocese or another nearby parish has anything for singles/young adults to meet others. Just be aware that you may be met with the modern pre-programmed response about the glories of single life/single vocation.
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Most of the singles groups in the area consist of those who are “professionally” single. Even my priest has admitted that singles tend to be viewed by the church and it’s members as having something wrong with us.

Thanks for the suggestions.
 
misfitz said:
Even my priest has admitted that singles tend to be viewed by the church and it’s members as having something wrong with us.

Thanks for the suggestions.
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I am not sure if what the priest said about the Church thinking of single is true, but being single for life is a vocation.
 
CatholicCajun said:
Pray to St Anne. In New Orleans there is a shrine dedicated to her where people go and pray to find a spouse. We have had 2 customers come back and tell us that they found spouses by praying to St. Anne. I say try it. God Bless.
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“Good St. Anne, find me a man, fast as you can!”
 
misfitz said:
What puzzles me are those who seek marriage with children as their primary focus. In other words, there are some women who want children so badly, that they take the first man who will have them. Same thing with some men. They seek a woman based on what he may believe to be fertility. Heck, some women don’t even wait for a man to marry them. They just have a child out of wedlock if they want children.

I think people need to first seek a good spouse. Someone they have lots in common with such as morals, values, likes, dislikes, etc. This way, IF, in the event they cannot produce a child through their union, they will have a lifelong partner that they love and cherish and will be happy to spend the rest of their lives with.

It just seems to me that the way to go about it is to first seek out a good spouse and then allow everything else fall into place. They just seem to want the children before finding a mate.
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Thanks for the clarification. The main reason I wrote what I did previously about “childbearing years” is that in my experience, such cliches like what you said your mother told you only serve to “shut us up” and make us “go away”, and then we follow that bad advice thinking that tomorrow will be the day that everything plops into our laps if we only play the “trust game” that we have been guilted into believing. Then, after years of tomorrows, we wake up to find that life has passed us by and we say to ourselves, “I was stupid for listening to that bad advice”. And we may find that the same people who were criticizing us for not being patient or not trusting in God enough will now make comments like “why did you wait so long” or “at your age…(fill in the blank)”. I am harping on this because we singles are “between a rock and a hard place” and need to be more vocal about our frustrations about the ability to find a good Catholic spouse and not accept such clicheed (sp?) responses like “single vocation” be shoved down our throats.
misfitz said:
Most of the singles groups in the area consist of those who are “professionally” single. Even my priest has admitted that singles tend to be viewed by the church and it’s members as having something wrong with us.

Thanks for the suggestions.
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I think the problem with a lot of singles ministries is that they fail to recognize that most singles, if they are eligible to marry, want to get married.
 
water said:
I am not sure if what the priest said about the Church thinking of single is true, but being single for life is a vocation.
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I recall the Church recognizing it as a “state of life”, but I do not recall the Church universally proclaiming it a “vocation” (even though some individuals in the church may think it is).
 
misfitz said:
My church does not have any singles groups.
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doesn’t have to be a “singles” group per say. get involved in as many church groups and activities as you can. get to know people = network. explore other parishes. eventually you’ll get to know the most active Catholics in your area - not just your city, but the whole region of your state! (say, within 2 hours driving distance). through them you’ll discover new people and groups.

there are popular groups, like Cursillo, Neocatechumenal Way, Opus Dei, Knights of Columbus (men only, but hey maybe they can help you), Legion of Mary, etc.

you’ll work on retreats, go to conferences, meetings, talks, bible studies, volunteering, helping the poor, etc. basically, everything Christ wants you to do while you’re not looking to get hitched.

use the Sacraments frequently. pray, pray, pray. as you build up your treasure in heaven, God will send someone to you, if that is your calling. i promise. money back guarantee!

+++
God bless and don’t worry. just focus on God and trust that He’ll do the rest!
 
misfitz,

Regarding the “you will be sent a spouse at the proper time and if it is your calling” cliches, here is another humorous way of looking at it:

thegiftofsingleness.blogspot.com/2007_12_01_archive.html

Scroll down to the December 07, 2007 entry.

Although the blog is written in UK by someone who appears to be more of an evangelical, and the author does take an extreme position that you may need to ,look outside the church to marry (the topic of another thread here: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=219423 ) , there are some good resources debunking many of the current attitudes and cliches that are used to lay guilt trips on singles for seeking spouses or reinforce attitudes that are nothing but “problem avoidance techniques”.

Here’s another article you may want to have on hand if you want to approach your pastor for help in finding a good Catholic spouse - “How churches have failed singles”:

beliefnet.com/story/130/story_13029_1.html

Another - “Stop sugar-coating singleness”:

crosswalk.com/singles/11542873/page1/
 
Nobody has mentioned Ave Maria Singles yet? Google it. It is a Catholic dating website and there are quite a few sucess stories ( and members from CAF ) on there.
 
Sina said:
Nobody has mentioned Ave Maria Singles yet? Google it. It is a Catholic dating website and there are quite a few sucess stories ( and members from CAF ) on there.
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I’m a member on there as well.

I just don’t know where all the locals are! I would think we should have lots of Catholics here in my city since so many people came here as a result of the last two hurricanes! I guess they are all married. 😛
 
Norseman82 said:
misfitz,

Regarding the “you will be sent a spouse at the proper time and if it is your calling” cliches, here is another humorous way of looking at it:

thegiftofsingleness.blogspot.com/2007_12_01_archive.html

Scroll down to the December 07, 2007 entry.

Although the blog is written in UK by someone who appears to be more of an evangelical, and the author does take an extreme position that you may need to ,look outside the church to marry (the topic of another thread here: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=219423 ) , there are some good resources debunking many of the current attitudes and cliches that are used to lay guilt trips on singles for seeking spouses or reinforce attitudes that are nothing but “problem avoidance techniques”.

Here’s another article you may want to have on hand if you want to approach your pastor for help in finding a good Catholic spouse - “How churches have failed singles”:

beliefnet.com/story/130/story_13029_1.html

Another - “Stop sugar-coating singleness”:

crosswalk.com/singles/11542873/page1/
Click to expand...
Thanks! I can’t wait to check these out!
 
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