Finding a Wife

[Latinitas]

There’s actually a lot going on here.

To start, I think what you need are friends. If you’re 18 and really mature, which is what it sounds like, yeah, making friends with other 18 year olds can be tough. You may want to try making friends with some older folks.

I guess I was wrong.

Marriage: If you are sure you have this vocation, then the best thing I can tell you right now is not to rush things. I was pretty mature at 18 too and made it through a good chunk of my teen years with decent sexual discipline and it’s a good thing I didn’t marry the girl I liked because even though I wanted it badly, God made sure it didn’t happen and it’s good He did.

This woman seemed to have turned upside down since I knew her from Sunday school.

I don’t know what your dating experience is, but may be surprised at how far some religious women will go.

And frankly, a lot of these “Catholic” schools are hardly Catholic. Stuebenville and one small college in the middle of LA are what I’ve heard are pretty much the only good Catholic schools left.

If you’re going to attract a decent woman, you can’t worry about what other people think. You need to be confident, make decisions and not worry too much about the past.

Also, work on these social cues. If you’re mature, sometimes it’s harder to pick up on those, because teenagers and early twenties-folks can be two-faced. What will make you a strong person in the arena of relationships is not to get drug into the teen agnst or drama.

Finally, I will pray for you, but you MUST realize that** patience **is so important in finding a good wife! It takes a lot of discernment and there is no quick fix.

I daresay I feel the Holy Spirit when writing this too you-—take your time. Don’t be lazy about it, but do no rush things!

God Bless!

Thanks for the thoughtful response, I really appreciate yours and everyone’s. I know patience is important, I’m not rushing things, don’t worry. I’m trying to learn the cues, and since my college is not drugged out or anything (it’s a small, orthodox Catholic college), it is easier. I do very well know what you mean about religious young women and ‘tempting’ you. Even here many of the young women wear tiny little shorts, and other clothing that is not modest (no need to dress like a Puritan, either, but come one, short-shorts).

Thank you for your prayers,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Xantippe]

I agree with people upthread that Latinitas needs to work on developing friendships and think very seriously about equipping himself to support a wife and family. I feel you are being a bit too casual about talking about dropping out of college. You want a prudent wife, and a prudent woman would not agree to this plan, not unless one of you was independently wealthy.

It’s true that not everything that people think they need is really necessary for children, but you will find that there are many things that you enjoy giving your kids, and money gives you more options.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Take a personal finance course (for instance, Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University).
2. Don’t get married immediately after college. Give yourself at least some time to see how your intended functions outside the residence hall/dining hall bubble. See how well she does with domestic skills and work ethic and financial planning. Obviously, you’re both 20-somethings, you should have fun, and you will make mistakes, but it’s important to be on the right trajectory.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I think you’re making a false dichotomy. G.K. Chesterton once said, “play is serious business”. I’m not a Puritan kill-joy. But I do feel when I’m talking to people, a real lack of depth, and it may very well be that I just don’t tap into it, and that is what bothers me. I am certainly up for fun anytime, but fun and serious are not opposites. Furthermore, while I understand your concern about the irony, and I will take that to heart, but I would say that I am honestly trying to find someone to date. Lastly, I never said that I would rush into marriage: I said I wanted to be married very soon; what I should have said is that I want to be happily married. I’m not going to just take the first girl I like. I’m not that unreasonable.

Thanks much for your thoughtful response,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

My advice for you is to consider trying to make every conversation meaningful to you. By which I mean, although it may seem as though most conversations are either mundane or frivolous, they are necessary throughout day-to-day life. Try to make a conscientious effort to say hello once in a while to a person in a class, ask them how they are doing, etc. Also, intelligent individuals are capable (and often do) have less-serious/what may be construed as boring conversations. A person can seem overly intense or even pretentious if he or she does not occasionally condescend to dispense social niceties once in a while. I would also advise you to seek out the company of graduate student instructors or even professors if you are in need of intellectual stimulation; who knows, you might meet someone interesting during office hours. Hope this helps!

 

[Latinitas]

I agree with people upthread that Latinitas needs to work on developing friendships and think very seriously about equipping himself to support a wife and family. I feel you are being a bit too casual about talking about dropping out of college. You want a prudent wife, and a prudent woman would not agree to this plan, not unless one of you was independently wealthy.

It’s true that not everything that people think they need is really necessary for children, but you will find that there are many things that you enjoy giving your kids, and money gives you more options.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Take a personal finance course (for instance, Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University).
2. Don’t get married immediately after college. Give yourself at least some time to see how your intended functions outside the residence hall/dining hall bubble. See how well she does with domestic skills and work ethic and financial planning. Obviously, you’re both 20-somethings, you should have fun, and you will make mistakes, but it’s important to be on the right trajectory.

I am seriously working on friendships, and I am getting better at it, my spiritual counsellor being of great help. The problem I am seeing, and I’m really starting to think that it was a mistake to post this thread, is that people don’t seem to understand that I have thought about i.e. getting a job, supporting a family. You also mention that you think I am just talking about dropping out of college as if it were nothing: I’m not. I don’t want to drop out of college (or have her do it, either way). But, between a wife and college, I’m choosing my wife. College is not everything either. College can wait as well.

Nonetheless, I take your advice to heart, with caution, however. I give you the benefit of the doubt of this line:

you should have fun, and you will make mistakes, but it’s important to be on the right trajectory.

Also, without going into too much detail as to how, I know a lot more about finances then most people my age do.

But what seems to be the hardest thing, that most people really aren’t understanding here, is that I am decidedly anti-careerist. I don’t just mean that I want a stay-at-home wife, I don’t want a career, either. I am perfectly content in being a farmer, or some other occupation like this, that may or may not have to do with what I major in. College is not just to get a job; it’s to learn and acquire knowledge about all disciplines. Knowledge is not wasted.

Thanks for your advice; I don’t mean this in anyway to sound uncharitable. I will reflect upon your advice,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Latinitas]

My advice for you is to consider trying to make every conversation meaningful to you. By which I mean, although it may seem as though most conversations are either mundane or frivolous, they are necessary throughout day-to-day life. Try to make a conscientious effort to say hello once in a while to a person in a class, ask them how they are doing, etc. Also, intelligent individuals are capable (and often do) have less-serious/what may be construed as boring conversations. A person can seem overly intense or even pretentious if he or she does not occasionally condescend to dispense social niceties once in a while. I would also advise you to seek out the company of graduate student instructors or even professors if you are in need of intellectual stimulation; who knows, you might meet someone interesting during office hours. Hope this helps!

Thanks much for the response.

I am honestly trying to connect with people. One of the posts above mentioned not being Pharisaical, which is something I really took to heart. So, I honestly am trying to pay more attention to what people are doing. As I said in the OP, though, I have a difficult time (again, trying hard to learn) seeing when saying hello is appropriate, and when saying more is appropriate etc. For some reason, it seems to be a perennial doubt in my brain. I am a very intense person, and it’s hard to “reduce” my intensity, or to show myself only in part, as I’ll come across as awkward. I can’t tell you how many people have told me, “I first thought you were really odd, but you actually are really neat!” (I don’t say this to brag; there are some people who probable definitely don’t like me). I certainly do speak to professors and priests for stimulation, but, I do really desire a companion from among my peers.

Thanks very much for your helpful and charitable response,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

As far as the wife is concerned, you may certainly pray for one, but God may or may not give her to you now or ever.

Matthew 21:22 ???

 

[Latinitas]

Matthew 21:22 ???

This verse is a great comfort, although God does know what is best for me, so I do have trust him.

This verse is why I pray nearly constantly for a wife though.

Thanks for the thought and encouragement, even if short,

Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[ExLibris]

Sorry, Latinitas, you’re going about this all wrong.

Based on my inductive informal survey of Catholic forums, the proper path is as follows:

1. Fornicate. A lot. Date flippantly and be unapologetic about it.
2. Drink. This is a necessity. Get drunk often; it is after all the social lubricant that gets things going.
3. Don’t be afraid to cohabitate. Nothing says mature like playing house with someone.
4. Tattoos. Get 'em. It’ll show you’re spontaneous and willing to try things.
5. Don’t be Catholic, be ‘spiritual.’ The more contradictory the position, the better. Deify your own morality. It’ll make you look independent-minded and mysterious. No one likes a stick in the mud, Catholic.

Once your social and sexual capital is depleted, which should be conveniently right around the time you become thirty, then have a conversion experience. In a process so fast it would make a Protestant suspicious, come back to the Church. Yep. You just learned your lesson. Your character grew. Finally, you may have your Catholic wife.

Of course, I’m being sarcastic but hopefully you’ll see the kernel of truth in it. Don’t kid yourself, the pious route will no doubt put you at a disadvantage. Our Lord promised adversity in this life for following Him, romantic relationships are no different.

 

[Latinitas]

Sorry, Latinitas, you’re going about this all wrong.

Based on my inductive informal survey of Catholic forums, the proper path is as follows:

1. Fornicate. A lot. Date flippantly and be unapologetic about it.
2. Drink. This is a necessity. Get drunk often; it is after all the social lubricant that gets things going.
3. Don’t be afraid to cohabitate. Nothing says mature like playing house with someone.
4. Tattoos. Get 'em. It’ll show you’re spontaneous and willing to try things.
5. Don’t be Catholic, be ‘spiritual.’ The more contradictory the position, the better. Deify your own morality. It’ll make you look independent-minded and mysterious. No one likes a stick in the mud, Catholic.

Once your social and sexual capital is depleted, which should be conveniently right around the time you become thirty, then have a conversion experience. In a process so fast it would make a Protestant suspicious, come back to the Church. Yep. You just learned your lesson. Your character grew. Finally, you may have your Catholic wife.

Of course, I’m being sarcastic but hopefully you’ll see the kernel of truth in it. Don’t kid yourself, the pious route will no doubt put you at a disadvantage. Our Lord promised adversity in this life for following Him, romantic relationships are no different.

Haha!

I honestly do appreciate the humor! I do very well see the truth in what you are saying, and I know this is going to be difficult, but hey, thankfully, the light at the end of the tunnel is visible and material. Not every adversity is like that.

Thanks very much for the thoughtful post,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Xantippe]

Latinitas said:

“The problem I am seeing, and I’m really starting to think that it was a mistake to post this thread, is that people don’t seem to understand that I have thought about i.e. getting a job, supporting a family. You also mention that you think I am just talking about dropping out of college as if it were nothing: I’m not. I don’t want to drop out of college (or have her do it, either way). But, between a wife and college, I’m choosing my wife. College is not everything either. College can wait as well.”

The problem is that the period between 18 and 22 (and into the early 20s) is a time of great intellectual and emotional development. You are still becoming who you are going to be and your future wife is still becoming who she is going to be. You need to be patient in order to see who it is that you are marrying and so she can see who she is marrying, too. If you are going to be married for the next 60-70 years, what does an extra year or two matter? Also, there is social science on this, and waiting until 23 to marry seems to help a lot in preventing divorce. (I can’t find a cite at the moment, but I remember seeing that the difference in brain development is why car rental places don’t like renting to people under 25.) The more you develop socially, and the better you get to be at friendship, the better husband you will be, and the better choice of a wife you will make. Plus, your current age right now is the perfect time to do college, if you are academically able. It’s never going to be easier to go to school. Going back to school is often very rough on non-traditional students, who find themselves pulled in half a dozen directions by their different commitments.

Also, you don’t want to create a situation where 20 years from now, there are recriminations about this. Unfortunately, a lot of people who marry young later feel cheated out of their youths. I have a cousin who married a much younger woman (I think she was in her teens at the time–she did not finish college). They had 7 kids and then she had some sort of mid-life crisis and left him. She felt that it was finally time for her to have fun. There’s a thread running in this forum from a woman whose husband is doing more or less the same thing–they married right after college, and now, after two kids, he’s getting cold feet and talking about how he missed out.

There are going to be some hard times ahead of you if you marry. Being a good spouse is hard and being a good parent is hard too, and the larger your family grows, the harder it will get. You may find yourself the parent of a special needs child, you may face long periods of unemployment, your wife may have problems with depression–the possibilities are endless.

“Also, without going into too much detail as to how, I know a lot more about finances then most people my age do.”

The same needs to be true of your future wife.

“But what seems to be the hardest thing, that most people really aren’t understanding here, is that I am decidedly anti-careerist. I don’t just mean that I want a stay-at-home wife, I don’t want a career, either. I am perfectly content in being a farmer, or some other occupation like this, that may or may not have to do with what I major in.”

Does your family have farm land? If not, I would discourage you from going in that direction.

(I’m from a farming family–cattle ranching on my dad’s side, ranching and wheat on my mom’s. Farming is HARD.)

If your family does have farm land, be very careful not to wind up in a situation where you spend decades working on land you do not own (that happened to some of my mom’s siblings–it was a very unfortunate situation). Make sure you have clear plans for becoming the owner of the land that you work on. Also, unless the farm would generate at least $40k a year in net income, I would not do it.

 

[Latinitas]

Latinitas said:

“The problem I am seeing, and I’m really starting to think that it was a mistake to post this thread, is that people don’t seem to understand that I have thought about i.e. getting a job, supporting a family. You also mention that you think I am just talking about dropping out of college as if it were nothing: I’m not. I don’t want to drop out of college (or have her do it, either way). But, between a wife and college, I’m choosing my wife. College is not everything either. College can wait as well.”

The problem is that the period between 18 and 22 (and into the early 20s) is a time of great intellectual and emotional development.

And you’re whole life is a time of great spiritual development. Why not develop together?

You are still becoming who you are going to be and your future wife is still becoming who she is going to be. You need to be patient in order to see who it is that you are marrying and so she can see who she is marrying, too. If you are going to be married for the next 60-70 years, what does an extra year or two matter? Also, there is social science on this, and waiting until 23 to marry seems to help a lot in preventing divorce. (I can’t find a cite at the moment, but I remember seeing that the difference in brain development is why car rental places don’t like renting to people under 25.) The more you develop socially, and the better you get to be at friendship, the better husband you will be, and the better choice of a wife you will make. Plus, your current age right now is the perfect time to do college, if you are academically able. It’s never going to be easier to go to school. Going back to school is often very rough on non-traditional students, who find themselves pulled in half a dozen directions by their different commitments.

Careful applying statistics to individuals. It is certainly true that people do mature as they age, and I’m no exception. But I know that I am more mature (at least spirtually and emotionally) than most of my people; nearly everyone I talk to recongizes and says that to me. So I think you’re making a false connection between age and marriage. What’s needed to make a marriage work and not divorce, is a commitment to marry, and not divorce. Whether 18 or 80, that is the trick. Also, my current age is the perfect time to have a child, as well. Men reach their physical strength in their late teens and early twenties. I don’t mean to say that I’m only marrying to have sex and have children, far be it, but considering that that is what the primary end of marriage is, it’s not bad to want that.

Also, you don’t want to create a situation where 20 years from now, there are recriminations about this. Unfortunately, a lot of people who marry young later feel cheated out of their youths. I have a cousin who married a much younger woman (I think she was in her teens at the time–she did not finish college). They had 7 kids and then she had some sort of mid-life crisis and left him. She felt that it was finally time for her to have fun. There’s a thread running in this forum from a woman whose husband is doing more or less the same thing–they married right after college, and now, after two kids, he’s getting cold feet and talking about how he missed out.

I’m absolutely not going to make a decision based on the fact that I might have future regrets. Consider this, I said above that I don’t masturbate; you could say I might regret not having fun and not being at ease and in my youth. Now, I understand that this not what you are saying, but the principle is similar. I could just as easily say, well if I don’t marry soon, I’ll look back 20 years later and think, “I should have married sooner”. Sure, I might regret it, but I won’t let that get int he way of doing this, since this is hypothetical and largely under my control.

There are going to be some hard times ahead of you if you marry.

But at least I have someone to go through them with

Being a good spouse is hard

You think I didn’t know that?

and being a good parent is hard too,

ibid.

and the larger your family grows, the harder it will get.

ibid.

You may find yourself the parent of a special needs child, you may face long periods of unemployment, your wife may have problems with depression–the possibilities are endless.

All of this is true. I don’t fear it though. God will be with me, as he was with Job throughout his struggle. Furthermore, if you’re looking for a reason not to do something, you can always find some reason

“Also, without going into too much detail as to how, I know a lot more about finances then most people my age do.”

The same needs to be true of your future wife.

Yes, but she can also learn.

“But what seems to be the hardest thing, that most people really aren’t understanding here, is that I am decidedly anti-careerist. I don’t just mean that I want a stay-at-home wife, I don’t want a career, either. I am perfectly content in being a farmer, or some other occupation like this, that may or may not have to do with what I major in.”

Does your family have farm land? If not, I would discourage you from going in that direction.

It doesn’t have to be farming. And even if it is, just because it’s odd or old or hard doesn’t mean that I can’t do this.

(I’m from a farming family–cattle ranching on my dad’s side, ranching and wheat on my mom’s. ** Farming is HARD.**)

Again, as if I didn’t know that

 

[Latinitas]

If your family does have farm land, be very careful not to wind up in a situation where you spend decades working on land you do not own (that happened to some of my mom’s siblings–it was a very unfortunate situation). Make sure you have clear plans for becoming the owner of the land that you work on. Also, unless the farm would generate at least $40k a year in net income, I would not do it.

This is useful advice, and I had already thought about this, but I’m still not discouraged. As I said above, you can always find a reason not to do something. For me, going out and meeting people is hard, but I’m going to do it. So, just because it’s difficult and may not work out the way I expected is not going to stop me from trying.

I don’t mean to be arrogant in my remarks. You have given excellent advice, and I deeply thank you for your wisdom, and I will certainly take it to heart.
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[maryjk]

But what seems to be the hardest thing, that most people really aren’t understanding here, is that I am decidedly anti-careerist. I don’t just mean that I want a stay-at-home wife, I don’t want a career, either. I am perfectly content in being a farmer, or some other occupation like this, that may or may not have to do with what I major in. College is not just to get a job; it’s to learn and acquire knowledge about all disciplines. Knowledge is not wasted.

Thanks for your advice; I don’t mean this in anyway to sound uncharitable. I will reflect upon your advice,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

As a woman, I would be very concerned about dating a man with this attitude. *And I am a stay at home wife. *

To think that I would be a stay home mom, with a husband that wouldn’t be able to provide for our family would be very scary.

Why is it so important for you to find a wife now?

 

[emeraldocean]

QUOTE=Latinitas;11351125]Hello Community,

As some of you might know, I posted a while back about my future wife.

Well, now I’m 18 and in college, and I’ve grown a lot, spiritually, since coming to college. Well, as you would expect, I’ve started looking for a wife, but I’m having a very difficult time connecting with anyone here. I don’t read social clues very well. I’m going to a small, orthodox Catholic college, and the students are really nice and spiritual, but I still feel a kind of perennial shallowness among the people. Again, they are very nice; they’re not bad people at all. But the lack of seriousness is really bothersome.

So I’m very lonely here, very lonely, I repeat, since I have no real friends among my peers here. I mean to say this with all humility, but, I know that I’m very smart. Everyone tells me that, and it is a blessing. The reason, though, is that especially in high school, where the drug problem and everything was so severe, I basically had to turn my back to the school (not in a hostile way, but I was the only really devout Catholic on the campus), and as a consequence, I have no idea about what others think of me, really.

Another problem I seem to have, is that I have a very austere spirituality. I fast regularly, I don’t masturbate or look at pornography or anything. It’s sad that people often don’t believe that it really is possible for a young male my age to that. I really want to marry very soon, and I do look forward to having children. Also, I really want to own a farm or something that requires physical work (I know, odd). I have no taste for mundane things, like movies or modern movies.

First, say a prayer for me, that God may provide me a wife without delay.

Second, are there any pretty young women my age who want the same?

I just wanted to provide some reassurance. First, there are definitely young women out there who are Catholic and would like to live the farming lifestyle. I know because I am one of them, and was looking for someone similar for a long time, until I found my wonderful boyfriend, who happens to be a farmer. I think it’s a great goal to want to farm - you’d get to see your family a lot since they would be involved in the farm with you, and you get to work outside. If this is really what you want to do, you may want to consider majoring in some field of Agriculture. Also, I suggest trying Catholic online dating. Yes, you are on the young side for it, but I’d seen guys your age on them during my time there. The farm type guys seemed to get the most attention, too…you’d probably do very well on it, and you can tell from people’s profiles whether they are looking for someone to date with marriage in mind. It’s worth a try. (In addition to getting to know women at your college, too).

Since you’re a freshmen, the girls in your class are probably still trying to get used to being away from home and making friends. Once they’ve got that settled, at a Catholic college they will very quickly be thinking about finding a boyfriend and worrying about their future (marriage, etc) speaking as a female who attended a Christian college. Junior year everyone gets a boyfriend, senior year, they all get engaged. (You should only do this if you actually want to marry the person, not just because of the timing, of course).

Also I worry about saying the wrong thing to people at the wrong time too. I suggest just trying not to care. It’s exhausting always trying to please everyone. Think about your friends and family - they like you when you act like yourself. So just do that as much as possible. It feels like people are all paying lots of attention to you, but really they aren’t scrutinizing your every move (I often percieve this as well, but it’s not accurate)
I didn’t really hit my stride socially in college until the first semester of my sophomore year, so just take your time, be nice to people, and get involved in some groups with the same interest as you. If there isn’t one, start one. There might be other people who may be interested in a prayer group with a more austere spirituality, for example.
I’ll pray for you!

 

[Latinitas]

As a woman, I would be very concerned about dating a man with this attitude. *And I am a stay at home wife. *

To think that I would be a stay home mom, with a husband that wouldn’t be able to provide for our family would be very scary.

It’s not that I don’t want to provide for my wife. I’m not lazy like that. It’s just that I don’t want to have some professional career that consumes all my time. I want a simple, austere life, not a professional career that involves some long titles that I have no interest in.

Why is it so important for you to find a wife now?

Well, first off, I’m lonely. But that can be solved with a friend or other. But I feel strongly called to this. I’m not going to rush it; it isn’t as if I’m going to give a ring to the first young woman I meet. So, I can’t exactly explain why I want to be married now, other than I want to be married and I don’t feel it as a future desire.

Thanks for your thoughts,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Xantippe]

Latinitas said:

“And you’re whole life is a time of great spiritual development. Why not develop together?”

Sure. Develop together to your heart’s content during courtship and engagement.

“But I know that I am more mature (at least spirtually and emotionally) than most of my people; nearly everyone I talk to recongizes and says that to me.”

You may be mature, but what about your future wife? This chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

Also, if you have Asperger tendencies (I happen to know a lot about this), they will cause difficulties in your relationship both with your wife and your children. I would definitely suggest doing a lot of premarital counseling (not just the minimum) to make sure that you and your fiancee are on track and that you both understand your special difficulties and understand how to work out differences of opinion. You are going to disagree about important things, and you need to figure out how to do so without destroying your marriage.

“Also, my current age is the perfect time to have a child, as well. Men reach their physical strength in their late teens and early twenties.”

18 is a terrible time for a young man to become a father, but it’s a good time to prepare for marriage and parenthood. Physical strength is a very minor consideration for marriage and parenthood.

Latinitas said:

“Also, without going into too much detail as to how, I know a lot more about finances then most people my age do.”

I said:

“The same needs to be true of your future wife.”

Latinitas said:

“Yes, but she can also learn.”

How about you marry a woman who already understands basic finance rather than marrying and hoping it works out?

Sorry if this sounds offensive, but I feel like you are way too driven here by a desire to start having sex. I understand perfectly that that is natural, but I think you’re not being as mature about this as you think you are.

 

[Latinitas]

Latinitas;11351125:

Hello Community,

As some of you might know, I posted a while back about my future wife.

Well, now I’m 18 and in college, and I’ve grown a lot

, spiritually, since coming to college. Well, as you would expect, I’ve started looking for a wife, but I’m having a very difficult time connecting with anyone here. I don’t read social clues very well. I’m going to a small, orthodox Catholic college, and the students are really nice and spiritual, but I still feel a kind of perennial shallowness among the people. Again, they are very nice; they’re not bad people at all. But the lack of seriousness is really bothersome.

So I’m very lonely here, very lonely, I repeat, since I have no real friends among my peers here. I mean to say this with all humility, but, I know that I’m very smart. Everyone tells me that, and it is a blessing. The reason, though, is that especially in high school, where the drug problem and everything was so severe, I basically had to turn my back to the school (not in a hostile way, but I was the only really devout Catholic on the campus), and as a consequence, I have no idea about what others think of me, really.

Another problem I seem to have, is that I have a very austere spirituality. I fast regularly, I don’t masturbate or look at pornography or anything. It’s sad that people often don’t believe that it really is possible for a young male my age to that. I really want to marry very soon, and I do look forward to having children. Also, I really want to own a farm or something that requires physical work (I know, odd). I have no taste for mundane things, like movies or modern movies.

First, say a prayer for me, that God may provide me a wife without delay.

Second, are there any pretty young women my age who want the same?

I just wanted to provide some reassurance. First, there are definitely young women out there who are Catholic and would like to live the farming lifestyle. I know because I am one of them, and was looking for someone similar for a long time, until I found my wonderful boyfriend, who happens to be a farmer. I think it’s a great goal to want to farm - you’d get to see your family a lot since they would be involved in the farm with you, and you get to work outside. If this is really what you want to do, you may want to consider majoring in some field of Agriculture. Also, I suggest trying Catholic online dating. Yes, you are on the young side for it, but I’d seen guys your age on them during my time there. The farm type guys seemed to get the most attention, too…you’d probably do very well on it, and you can tell from people’s profiles whether they are looking for someone to date with marriage in mind. It’s worth a try. (In addition to getting to know women at your college, too).

Since you’re a freshmen, the girls in your class are probably still trying to get used to being away from home and making friends. Once they’ve got that settled, at a Catholic college they will very quickly be thinking about finding a boyfriend and worrying about their future (marriage, etc) speaking as a female who attended a Christian college. Junior year everyone gets a boyfriend, senior year, they all get engaged. (You should only do this if you actually want to marry the person, not just because of the timing, of course).

Also I worry about saying the wrong thing to people at the wrong time too. I suggest just trying not to care. It’s exhausting always trying to please everyone. Think about your friends and family - they like you when you act like yourself. So just do that as much as possible. It feels like people are all paying lots of attention to you, but really they aren’t scrutinizing your every move (I often percieve this as well, but it’s not accurate)
I didn’t really hit my stride socially in college until the first semester of my sophomore year, so just take your time, be nice to people, and get involved in some groups with the same interest as you. If there isn’t one, start one. There might be other people who may be interested in a prayer group with a more austere spirituality, for example.
I’ll pray for you!

Thanks for the response and encouragement. It is always encouraging to hear that there are still young women who like what I like, and want what I want.

Now as far as Catholic online dating is concerned, I’ll consider it, but I’m not going to go there just yet, since many of the Catholics don’t seem to be all that Catholic, and unlike in person, I’ll have a hard time seeing the spirituality and personality of the young women I’ll meet. I hope to be married by the time I leave college (I’m not saying that as firm, hard-fast date), but I’m hopeful that in the next four years I’ll meet someone who will really connect with me. It is comforting to know that the young women of my class are just getting adjusted too, although it has already been two months, and that hopefully, they will start to see their futures.

I am gradually loosing myself up to people, and not being examined as if in a lab, and so I will get used to that as well.

Thanks very much for the encouragement, and God bless you and your boyfriend,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Sojourner1989]

I think you need to first find a Huck Finn. You need a another guy who can slap you in the face when you are being selfish in a way that your wife probably wouldn’t. They would also be able to help you when you are in a relationship and pull you down from Cloud 9 to make rational decisions. Guys + strong emotions = gambler (for better or worse).

There’s nothing wrong with marrying young, but make sure that you have the correct support around you, which most people end up having when they get married later on in years.

 

[Latinitas]

Latinitas said:

“And you’re whole life is a time of great spiritual development. Why not develop together?”

Sure. Develop together to your heart’s content during courtship and engagement

The problem is if you wait till you’re ready to be married, you’ll never get there. You learn to be a better spouse by being a spouse.

“But I know that I am more mature (at least spiritually and emotionally) than most of my people; nearly everyone I talk to recongizes and says that to me.”

You may be mature, but what about your future wife? This chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

Why do you think I wrote this post? That’s the problem I’m having in the first place.

Also, if you have Asperger tendencies (I happen to know a lot about this), they will cause difficulties in your relationship both with your wife and your children. I would definitely suggest doing a lot of premarital counseling (not just the minimum) to make sure that you and your fiancee are on track and that you both understand your special difficulties and understand how to work out differences of opinion. You are going to disagree about important things, and you need to figure out how to do so without destroying your marriage.

I’m meeting with a psychologist AND a spiritual counselor right now for this reason.

“Also, my current age is the perfect time to have a child, as well. Men reach their physical strength in their late teens and early twenties.”

18 is a terrible time for a young man to become a father, but it’s a good time to prepare for marriage and parenthood. Physical strength is a very minor consideration for marriage and parenthood.

You missed the point. You said earlier that this age is the right age for college, since the mind is still developing. But that has about as much to do with learning as physical strength and fertility have to do with having children.

I don’t disagree at all with your comment about physical strength/fertility being a minor part of having children.

Latinitas said:

“Also, without going into too much detail as to how, I know a lot more about finances then most people my age do.”

I said:

“The same needs to be true of your future wife.”

Latinitas said:

“Yes, but she can also learn.”

How about you marry a woman who already understands basic finance rather than marrying and hoping it works out?

Sure, but just because she doesn’t know what an MRA is now, doesn’t mean I need to dump her.

Sorry if this sounds offensive, but I feel like you are way too driven here by a desire to start having sex. I understand perfectly that that is natural, but I think you’re not being as mature about this as you think you are.

I explicitly said earlier that I am NOT looking to marry just for sex. I have good control over my passions; in fact, chastity is somewhat of the least of my concerns and temptations now. So, I think your worry about that is natural, but it’s not really the problem.

Don’t worry about sounding offensive either; as I said above to another commenter, I would much rather be rebuked and go to heaven than not and be damned.

Thanks much,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Latinitas]

I think you need to first find a Huck Finn. You need a another guy who can slap you in the face when you are being selfish in a way that your wife probably wouldn’t. They would also be able to help you when you are in a relationship and pull you down from Cloud 9 to make rational decisions. Guys + strong emotions = gambler (for better or worse).

There’s nothing wrong with marrying young, but make sure that you have the correct support around you, which most people end up having when they get married later on in years.

As to this I’m a little offended. I’m not floating in a fantasy land here, nor am I a gambler/drunkard/etc. This is serious. Also, as I said, I’m very logical, to the point of pedantry at times, and am not easily consumed with passions.

Benedicat Deus
Latinitas