Finding a Wife

[Sojourner1989]

Nothing that I said has anything to do with living in a fantasy. I was merely using idioms to make a point. The point is having a guy best friend. You aren’t perfect, so it’s important to have someone who can both support you and hold you accountable. I’m sorry that you are offended by a turn of phrase. My expression with gambler has nothing to do with actually being drunk or gambling, it has to do with making emotionally charged decisions. No one is 100% logical 100% of the time.

You remind me of one of my best friends in college. Top 1% IQ and yet prefers the simple life. He now has a MS in Physics and does construction with his Dad. Loneliness was a big issue for him too. Side note - He is a massive fan of dry british humor. Hmm, well if you are like him, then you probably won’t make too many irrational choices, but you will definitely want guys that you respect that can challenge you to be better, because you probably won’t take to heart the experience of others unless you are convinced that they are super rational. Hmm…

 

[Xantippe]

Latinitas said:

“You learn to be a better spouse by being a spouse.”

True, but the period before marriage is really important.

“I’m meeting with a psychologist AND a spiritual counselor right now for this reason.”

Very good.

Don’t be surprised if your intended sometimes finds you very frustrating. When that happens, bear in mind that she is not necessarily being illogical.

Also, bear in mind that your future wife may not like your intended future career. She may find life on a farm lonely, boring and stifling, and if she feels that way, she’s not wrong about her feelings. Do not commit 100% to a venture of that nature when you don’t know if it will work for your family.

“You said earlier that this age is the right age for college, since the mind is still developing. But that has about as much to do with learning as physical strength and fertility have to do with having children.”

18-22 is a good time for college for the following reasons:

1. the ability to commit 100% to projects that interest you
2. a young mind that still remembers high school curriculum and can readily soak up new information. Get a little older, and it’s much harder to learn new stuff.
3. the opportunity to explore different vocational options in a relatively risk-free environment
4. the freedom to do extracurricular stuff without having to rush home to spouse and/or children
5. not having to provide for others beside yourself.

I’m cheating a little with a couple of those that overlap, but it really is a very good time. Now, I realize that some people do better with a couple years between high school and college to get more mature and to work on their motivation (the military is often good for that), but I would certainly urge everybody who wants to go to college to go as soon as is feasible.

“Sure, but just because she doesn’t know what an MRA is now, doesn’t mean I need to dump her.”

Whatever you want your future wife to know about finances, make sure that your fiancee already knows. Make sure that she has a good work ethic and is financially responsible. That means that you should wait to marry until you’ve both had a chance to live a normal working life, rather than just being students. Also, make sure that you are both aware of all outstanding debts that the other has. People often make unpleasant discoveries about this sort of stuff after they get married. Also, be prepared for the fact that she will probably have very different ideas than you do about what constitutes a basic necessity of life. My husband, for instance, would go happily through life with the pink Formica kitchen countertops. I, on the other hand, am planning on getting rid of them as soon as it is possible (i.e. in something like 5-10 years). Remember, if it’s important to her, it’s important. That doesn’t mean that she gets everything she wants the moment she wants it, but it does mean that if it’s important to her, there should be a realistic timetable for her to get what she wants, just as if there’s something important to you, you should eventually be able to have it.

 

[Latinitas]

Nothing that I said has anything to do with living in a fantasy. I was merely using idioms to make a point. The point is having a guy best friend. You aren’t perfect, so it’s important to have someone who can both support you and hold you accountable. I’m sorry that you are offended by a turn of phrase. My expression with gambler has nothing to do with actually being drunk or gambling, it has to do with making emotionally charged decisions. No one is 100% logical 100% of the time.

You remind me of one of my best friends in college. Top 1% IQ and yet prefers the simple life. He now has a MS in Physics and does construction with his Dad. Loneliness was a big issue for him too. Side note - He is a massive fan of dry british humor. Hmm, well if you are like him, then you probably won’t make too many irrational choices, but you will definitely want guys that you respect that can challenge you to be better, because you probably won’t take to heart the experience of others unless you are convinced that they are super rational. Hmm…

I ought to apologize for not giving you the benefit of the doubt. So, offense not taken anymore. I’m trying to make a male friend as well, but my longing, if I may put it that way, right now is for an intimate female companion (when I say intimate, I don’t just mean sexual).

I often do misread expressions, so forgive my ignorance about the expression with the gambler.

My problem in decision making is that I’m often cold and austerely logical. I acually need to be able to make some emotional decisions if you will. Obviously, as you say, I’m not 100% rational, 100% of the time, God forbid that I would have the temerity to say that. Basically, what I need to do is lighten up a little, and that’s what I get the feeling most people are saying.

Thanks, and I apologize for sounding harsh in my last post,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[vincent10395]

Hello Community,

As some of you might know, I posted a while back about my future wife.

Well, now I’m 18 and in college, and I’ve grown a lot, spiritually, since coming to college. Well, as you would expect, I’ve started looking for a wife, but I’m having a very difficult time connecting with anyone here. I don’t read social clues very well. I’m going to a small, orthodox Catholic college, and the students are really nice and spiritual, but I still feel a kind of perennial shallowness among the people. Again, they are very nice; they’re not bad people at all. But the lack of seriousness is really bothersome.

So I’m very lonely here, very lonely, I repeat, since I have no real friends among my peers here. I mean to say this with all humility, but, I know that I’m very smart. Everyone tells me that, and it is a blessing. The reason, though, is that especially in high school, where the drug problem and everything was so severe, I basically had to turn my back to the school (not in a hostile way, but I was the only really devout Catholic on the campus), and as a consequence, I have no idea about what others think of me, really.

Another problem I seem to have, is that I have a very austere spirituality. I fast regularly, I don’t masturbate or look at pornography or anything. It’s sad that people often don’t believe that it really is possible for a young male my age to that. I really want to marry very soon, and I do look forward to having children. Also, I really want to own a farm or something that requires physical work (I know, odd). I have no taste for mundane things, like movies or modern movies.

First, say a prayer for me, that God may provide me a wife without delay.

Second, are there any pretty young women my age who want the same?

You will be in my prayers!

You must be patient (and I’m sure you are) but remember God does have a plan, and He will tell you at the perfect time. Please keep me in your prayers as well. I’m 18 too, and I’m in the application process to the Seminary.

God Bless!

 

[Latinitas]

Latinitas said:

“You learn to be a better spouse by being a spouse.”

True, but the period before marriage is really important.

I understand that. But I would rather not develop completely alone.

“I’m meeting with a psychologist AND a spiritual counselor right now for this reason.”

Very good.

Don’t be surprised if your intended sometimes finds you very frustrating. When that happens, bear in mind that she is not necessarily being illogical.

I understand. You can’t see the world so rationally, since people don’t necessarily make rational decisions, and sometimes rational decisions are the wrong ones. If reason always prevailed, there would be no bravery and no courage.

Also, bear in mind that your future wife may not like your intended future career. She may find life on a farm lonely, boring and stifling, and if she feels that way, she’s not wrong about her feelings. Do not commit 100% to a venture of that nature when you don’t know if it will work for your family.

I have not committed to anything yet. I will do what is necessary to feed my wife and my family. If my wife really is unhappy on a farm, then I can move; I’m not that rigid.

“You said earlier that this age is the right age for college, since the mind is still developing. But that has about as much to do with learning as physical strength and fertility have to do with having children.”

18-22 is a good time for college for the following reasons:

1. the ability to commit 100% to projects that interest you

You mean, like, marrying and raising a family, and catechizing my children, because of all things right now, that seems to interest me most.

1. a young mind that still remembers high school curriculum and can readily soak up new information. Get a little older, and it’s much harder to learn new stuff.

True, and this is important, but as I said above in my point about physical strength/fertility, it’s not everything. While it may be harder, it may also be right. Not everything is supposed to be easy. Also, I must question how much I really learned in high school, not in a bad or arrogant way, but considering that most of the stuff I learned in high school is stuff I already knew by interest, so, it isn’t as if, I won’t keep looking this stuff up on my own.

1. the opportunity to explore different vocational options in a relatively risk-free environment

Good point. I must say though, that after a personal vocation crisis earlier, and with the guidance of a spiritual counselor, I can with a great deal of certitude say that marriage is my calling, since I came out of this crisis with much stronger desire for marriage than before, and much more Godly view of marriage, and other things. So, yes, it could change, but I don’t forsee that.

1. the freedom to do extracurricular stuff without having to rush home to spouse and/or children

Again, a lot of the extracurricular stuff here I find trivial. I love children, and I have no problem being at home with my wife and kids. I understand the point, but I don’t think that the opportunity is completely sunk by marrying.

1. not having to provide for others beside yourself.

True. But it isn’t as if I can’t stay in college and be married at the same time.

 

[Latinitas]

I’m cheating a little with a couple of those that overlap, but it really is a very good time. Now, I realize that some people do better with a couple years between high school and college to get more mature and to work on their motivation (the military is often good for that), but I would certainly urge everybody who wants to go to college to go as soon as is feasible.

Don’t worry, I do understand these reasons. I’m not questioning you when I say I might drop out. I certainly don’t want to drop out. In the same way, I would gladly die for my wife without any hesitation, but that doesn’t mean I want to do that, or plan on the necessity arising, but should it, I would do it. I don’t mean I’ll drop out of college when I marry (assuming I marry before I graduate, which is probable, although far from certain), I just mean if I have to, I will.

“Sure, but just because she doesn’t know what an MRA is now, doesn’t mean I need to dump her.”

Whatever you want your future wife to know about finances, make sure that your fiancee already knows. Make sure that she has a good work ethic and is financially responsible. That means that you should wait to marry until you’ve both had a chance to live a normal working life, rather than just being students. Also, make sure that you are both aware of all outstanding debts that the other has. People often make unpleasant discoveries about this sort of stuff after they get married. Also, be prepared for the fact that she will probably have very different ideas than you do about what constitutes a basic necessity of life. My husband, for instance, would go happily through life with the pink Formica kitchen countertops. I, on the other hand, am planning on getting rid of them as soon as it is possible (i.e. in something like 5-10 years). Remember, if it’s important to her, it’s important. That doesn’t mean that she gets everything she wants the moment she wants it, but it does mean that if it’s important to her, there should be a realistic timetable for her to get what she wants, just as if there’s something important to you, you should eventually be able to have it.

Oh, I very well understand this. I will make sure that she is level-headed and not extravagant, afterall, nothing is more hostile to an austere, simple life, than wasteful spending. I must admit that if a young woman were to consider the color of the counter-top to be a necessity of life, that would be somewhat off-putting (no offense). Obviously, if it’s important to her, it’s important to me, as well. While not authoritarian, I have commanding presence, however, and I let my yes be yes and no be no. I d(w)on’t have problem saying “sweetheart, we can’t afford that” or “that’s just wasting money”. No as far as being working people before getting married, I must say that it’s not earning money that’s important to me; like Pope St. Pius X, I have no fear of material poverty, and even a somewhat love of it. I want to see work ethic, which a job certainly shows, but if a young woman can show me that she is a serious student in school, that she works hard, then that is what I am going to consider. I’m not trying to say, however, that money isn’t important; it most definitely is. I do plan on working, and in fact, I like working, but I do work to live, not live to work.

It’s worth repeating, not really for your sake but for everyone’s, that I really am not just marrying to have sex (or better said, not for the Epicurean pleasure of it; I want kids, so go figure) [to which I would also, however, add that even if a young person my age, was marrying to quiet their sex drive, that that is *not a bad reason to marry (especially if they are living chastely at the moment, since this in and of itself is a sign of maturity), see 1 Cor. 7:2, although I agree, it’s far from optimal]. This was the risk I took in posting this question online, since it doesn’t seem like people take 18-year olds seriously anymore (and hey, looking around, I can see why not). I really cannot emphasize this point enough.

I thank you for your interesting points to reflect on,
Benedicat Deus
Latintias

 

[Ridgerunner]

Don’t worry, I do understand these reasons. I’m not questioning you when I say I might drop out. I certainly don’t want to drop out. In the same way, I would gladly die for my wife without any hesitation, but that doesn’t mean I want to do that, or plan on the necessity arising, but should it, I would do it. I don’t mean I’ll drop out of college when I marry (assuming I marry before I graduate, which is probable, although far from certain), I just mean if I have to, I will.

Oh, I very well understand this. I will make sure that she is level-headed and not extravagant, afterall, nothing is more hostile to an austere, simple life, than wasteful spending. I must admit that if a young woman were to consider the color of the counter-top to be a necessity of life, that would be somewhat off-putting (no offense). Obviously, if it’s important to her, it’s important to me, as well. While not authoritarian, I have commanding presence, however, and I let my yes be yes and no be no. I d(w)on’t have problem saying “sweetheart, we can’t afford that” or “that’s just wasting money”. No as far as being working people before getting married, I must say that it’s not earning money that’s important to me; like Pope St. Pius X, I have no fear of material poverty, and even a somewhat love of it. I want to see work ethic, which a job certainly shows, but if a young woman can show me that she is a serious student in school, that she works hard, then that is what I am going to consider. I’m not trying to say, however, that money isn’t important; it most definitely is. I do plan on working, and in fact, I like working, but I do work to live, not live to work.

It’s worth repeating, not really for your sake but for everyone’s, that I really am not just marrying to have sex (or better said, not for the Epicurean pleasure of it; I want kids, so go figure) [to which I would also, however, add that even if a young person my age, was marrying to quiet their sex drive, that that is *not

a bad reason to marry (especially if they are living chastely at the moment, since this in and of itself is a sign of maturity), see 1 Cor. 7:2, although I agree, it’s far from optimal]. This was the risk I took in posting this question online, since it doesn’t seem like people take 18-year olds seriously anymore (and hey, looking around, I can see why not). I really cannot emphasize this point enough.

I thank you for your interesting points to reflect on,
Benedicat Deus
Latintias

Please forgive me for saying the following.

You have succumbed to something that often affects young men; being in love with the IDEA of being in love, rather than being in love with a person.

As a formerly young man, I had similar temptations (and they ARE temptations). Later, when I became a senior in college, I realized that I had suddenly become very popular with young women. I then went to graduate school, and noticed that the closer I came to my degree, my popularity increased ten-fold. I was in “young man heaven”, and practically had to beat them off with a stick.

I was tempted to resent it. Were they all gold-diggers? Were they only interested in a man if he seemed to have material prospects in life? Were they wanting to make me a slave to providing granite counter tops and boutique clothes?

But I realized that, no, that’s not really it. Young women are, if anything, even more desperate to find a mate than are young men. But they have to be very careful; more careful than we do because they’re more vulnerable. Is this fellow a wastrel? Is he self-consumed? Is he lazy? Does he seem to want to work and even suffer if need be, for the sake of his wife and his children? It’s not just the “career”, it’s the willingness to put in effort; to sacrifice one’s own life if need be, to serve the needs of others who depend on him.

I remembered a short story about a 19th Century Jewish fellow who worked so hard he would plop on the floor of his home when he returned at night, and fell asleep right there. His wife would tell the children not to disturb him; that he spent all day working for them, and deserved his rest. I thought about that story and thought about it, and decided that, yes, that’s really the ideal for which a man should strive…not to fall on the floor or deliberately seek out a punishing job, but to be as self-sacrificing as he needed to be to meet the demands of Providence.

And I found that young women really will not only open up to a young man who is busy cultivating himself to be a proper spouse and father, but will be encouraged to develop themselves as well. A young woman to whom perhaps her religion seems flat because her life is incomplete, may suddenly find herself inspired spiritually because she can suddenly see that a more meaningful life is possible for her, and (even perhaps unconsciously) prepares herself to be a teacher of religion to her future children.

It is to encourage the full human development of the young woman that a young man first develops himself, if he is to make himself a meaningful gift to her.

And if you’ll pardon my saying so, dropping out of school in order to pursue a farming fantasy, (do you really know how? Where are you going to get the capital?) is a sure signal to young women that you might be a dropout in other ways.

Develop yourself, even if you can’t see a clear way ahead. it will come to you in time.
Don’t try to “force Providence”. Do what’s before you.

 

[Lorelei12]

While I believe it’s very possible to know that you are called to marriage at your age, I agree with the many posters who have suggested that you not fixate so much on finding a wife right now but rather on living your life well and taking advantage of the time you have in college.

The best way for you to find a wife is firstly to pray, not that God “sends you” a spouse, but to ask Him what he wants of you and how you can become a better man and a good potential husband. You may be very intelligent and advanced in maturity and physically attractive, and whatever else, but if you focus less on these things and more on becoming a man worthy of a good woman, you will attract one much more easily.

You also need to make sure that, while it is good to not be “worldly”, you are being practical about finances. People need to be able to support themselves and their families and be responsible. If you truly feel called to farming or some other agricultural pursuit, that is fine, but you seem to be in the wrong place for that right now. Don’t underestimate how much food, shelter, clothing, health care, and other necessities cost. What if you meet the perfect woman for you, and she has student loans? Or what if you get married and then become injured and cannot physically labor anymore? Life rarely turns out the way we expected it to, and it’s prudent to be realistic and responsible.

It seems like you’re living steps ahead of yourself, and that can be hard. It probably gets tiresome to hear “but you’re still so young”, and I understand that. It’s true, though. Even if you are more mature than most people your age, there are different kinds of maturity and it sounds like emotionally and socially, you may not be as mature as you are intellectually. Remember that patience is a virtue, and ask God for help accepting his will, whatever that may be.

 

[Xantippe]

Lorelei 12 said:

“Even if you are more mature than most people your age, there are different kinds of maturity and it sounds like emotionally and socially, you may not be as mature as you are intellectually. Remember that patience is a virtue, and ask God for help accepting his will, whatever that may be.”

Yes!

I’d add that if Latinitas’s future wife wants a beautiful kitchen, and she is willing to sacrifice for a beautiful kitchen and you have the resources to pay for it, she should have it. We spend so much of our lives working in our kitchens and it isn’t unreasonable to want to beautify the places where we live.

It would be very easy, for instance, to tell her no to the kitchen, and then go out and buy a shiny new piece of farm equipment of the same value that scratches exactly the same aesthetic itch that a pretty kitchen does. It is the same thing. There’s nothing more “rational” about wanting to buy a tractor or truck that is way nicer than it really needs to be. We all have some aesthetic preferences and it’s not wrong to have them.

 

[Latinitas]

Please forgive me for saying the following.

You have succumbed to something that often affects young men; being in love with the IDEA of being in love, rather than being in love with a person.

I wonder why you say this (I’m not putting you down, just for reflection). It isn’t as if I have some fantasy wife in mind who I dream about all day, and not do anything else. I do just feel called to be married, and soon as well. How soon soon is, is in God’s hands.

As a formerly young man, I had similar temptations (and they ARE temptations). Later, when I became a senior in college, I realized that I had suddenly become very popular with young women. I then went to graduate school, and noticed that the closer I came to my degree, my popularity increased ten-fold. I was in “young man heaven”, and practically had to beat them off with a stick.

This might be the case with, but I don’t know, and it isn’t honestly that I care about being popular with every girl around. I want a wife, not wives (forgive me if it’s blasphemy).

I was tempted to resent it. Were they all gold-diggers? Were they only interested in a man if he seemed to have material prospects in life? Were they wanting to make me a slave to providing granite counter tops and boutique clothes?

But I realized that, no, that’s not really it. Young women are, if anything, even more desperate to find a mate than are young men. But they have to be very careful; more careful than we do because they’re more vulnerable. Is this fellow a wastrel? Is he self-consumed? Is he lazy? Does he seem to want to work and even suffer if need be, for the sake of his wife and his children? It’s not just the “career”, it’s the willingness to put in effort; to sacrifice one’s own life if need be, to serve the needs of others who depend on him.

I explicitly said above that I would be willing to die for my wife (and family) if I need to. Why would you think I wouldn’t? Do you think I’m not mature enough? not serious enough? Not Catholic enough?

I remembered a short story about a 19th Century Jewish fellow who worked so hard he would plop on the floor of his home when he returned at night, and fell asleep right there. His wife would tell the children not to disturb him; that he spent all day working for them, and deserved his rest. I thought about that story and thought about it, and decided that, yes, that’s really the ideal for which a man should strive…not to fall on the floor or deliberately seek out a punishing job, but to be as self-sacrificing as he needed to be to meet the demands of Providence.

ibid.

And I found that young women really will not only open up to a young man who is busy cultivating himself to be a proper spouse and father, but will be encouraged to develop themselves as well. A young woman to whom perhaps her religion seems flat because her life is incomplete, may suddenly find herself inspired spiritually because she can suddenly see that a more meaningful life is possible for her, and (even perhaps unconsciously) prepares herself to be a teacher of religion to her future children.

I’m somewhat offended that you don’t think that I am trying to cultivate myself. It seems to go way over people’s heads what I meant about college. Look, marriage is my vocation (I’m pretty sure), and anything not conducive to it has to go. That’s it. I want to be in college. I’m a good student, I do all the work, and I like college. But, what is not compatible with being married will have to go. I hope college does not. I hope I don’t have to leave school, just like I hope I don’t have to die for my wife or family, but I would if I had to.

It is to encourage the full human development of the young woman that a young man first develops himself, if he is to make himself a meaningful gift to her.

ibid. (as immediately above).

And if you’ll pardon my saying so, dropping out of school in order to pursue a farming fantasy, (do you really know how? Where are you going to get the capital?) is a sure signal to young women that you might be a dropout in other ways.

I’m tired of explaining this. Please read my other comments before commenting on this, since I have explained myself a number of times already.

I would note that I would sacrifice a hope of farming or whatever (I don’t dream of being a farmer, to be clear) to support my family, but look, 95% of humanity has made its living through farming. It’s not a “fantasy” as some would say.

Develop yourself, even if you can’t see a clear way ahead. it will come to you in time.
Don’t try to “force Providence”. Do what’s before you.

Good advice. I am/will follow it.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but, if you’re (not necessarily you, by the way) not going to take me seriously, and you’re just going to see as hopelessly fantasical or sexual or something else, or that I’m naive and lacking understanding, without giving a reason as to why you see that, than please do not post.

Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Latinitas]

Lorelei 12 said:

“Even if you are more mature than most people your age, there are different kinds of maturity and it sounds like emotionally and socially, you may not be as mature as you are intellectually. Remember that patience is a virtue, and ask God for help accepting his will, whatever that may be.”

Yes!

I’d add that if Latinitas’s future wife wants a beautiful kitchen, and she is willing to sacrifice for a beautiful kitchen and you have the resources to pay for it, she should have it. We spend so much of our lives working in our kitchens and it isn’t unreasonable to want to beautify the places where we live.

Certainly, I don’t dispute that at all. I don’t mean that someone doesn’t care. But if it’s to the point that she has to have a kitchen exactly as she likes it, then that would be a problem. I sure you would agree.

It would be very easy, for instance, to tell her no to the kitchen, and then go out and buy a shiny new piece of farm equipment of the same value that scratches exactly the same aesthetic itch that a pretty kitchen does. It is the same thing. There’s nothing more “rational” about wanting to buy a tractor or truck that is way nicer than it really needs to be. We all have some aesthetic preferences and it’s not wrong to have them.

Okay, let me say this: Forget I ever said anything about farming. You (pl.) have completely missed the point. I want a simple life, whether that’s farming, or teaching (something else I love to do), or any other kind of work, I although I like physical work, I like intellectual work as well. When I say I don’t want a career, I mean I don’t want to work, or even worse, am not willing to work a career job if I have to, I really just mean that I don’t want something in which I have oh say, travel around the world every week/month, never see my family, be called by coworkers at 3 AM and such etc. (to change a diaper, sure, not to help a coworker fix a problem).

I completely agree with you on aesthetics, being visually stimulated easily as well (don’t take that perversely).

Thanks for the thoughtful response,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’m somewhat offended that you don’t think that I am trying to cultivate myself. It seems to go way over people’s heads what I meant about college. Look, marriage is my vocation (I’m pretty sure), and anything not conducive to it has to go. That’s it. I want to be in college. I’m a good student, I do all the work, and I like college. But, what is not compatible with being married will have to go. I hope college does not. I hope I don’t have to leave school, just like I hope I don’t have to die for my wife or family, but I would if I had to.

It isn’t that people are trying to get you to hold on to things that will hinder your marriage, it is that they are trying to give you advice on how to start a stable marriage. A lot of marriages end because of financial problems. You are a freshman, in 4 years you will be out of school. I remember being a freshman and thinking that my senior year was too far away to think about. It will be there before you know it. Also, I met my husband in college and married after I was out of school. I met him my sophomore year and married him 3 years later. Relationships have to have time to develop. It isn’t like the movies when you meet a girl and fall in love in 2 weeks. lol. When you say that you will quit school to marry makes it seem like you are willing to rush into a marriage, since graduation isn’t that far away in retrospect. If the girl or if you aren’t willing to wait, then the relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway. I have known people who have gotten engaged a few months into the relationship and their relationship crumbled during planning the wedding. It was because they didn’t know each other like they thought they did. They didn’t take the time for the relationship to develop, they just felt that they were “in love.” Being “in love” and all the butterflies fade and you are going to have to have a strong, mutual friendship. Strong friendships have to grow into that and that takes time.

 

[Latinitas]

While I believe it’s very possible to know that you are called to marriage at your age, I agree with the many posters who have suggested that you not fixate so much on finding a wife right now but rather on living your life well and taking advantage of the time you have in college.

Well, I thank you for your understanding of my calling, at least as I see it. I can’t stress enough that while I do pray for a wife many times a day, I’m not fixating exactly on it. I am very focused on school, since I love school. Although, my spiritual counselor said that I should seek out a young woman here, and be looking attentively for someone to marry.

The best way for you to find a wife is firstly to pray, not that God “sends you” a spouse, but to ask Him what he wants of you and how you can become a better man and a good potential husband.

This is good food for thought. I do pray daily (well several times daily) for the virtues needed to be a good spouse and parent, so I have that covered. Of course, I pray that God “sends” me a spouse, but I think I mean this differently than you do. I don’t mean one to fall right out of the sky (not that it couldn’t, of course), but I know, well basically know, that I do have to work; it’s not like made this post to waddle in my own pride about what a good person I am. Count me among the foremost of sinners.

You may be very intelligent and advanced in maturity and physically attractive, and whatever else, but if you focus less on these things and more on becoming a man worthy of a good woman, you will attract one much more easily.

Again, good food for thought. I honestly don’t know what to think about my looks. I’m confident, but I don’t have a real opinion, since I didn’t date in high school, nor did I care to hear of the gossip about me (if it existed). I meditated long and hard about the verse Matt. 6:33, so I take your point, and I’m earnestly trying to grow in that way.

When I say that I know I’m mature, I mean more mature, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. Socially, heck I’m clueless many times; I’m as infantile as it comes, well, at least I used to be (I’ve grown a bit, already). And physically, I’m no more mature than any of the other young men here. So, I’m not talking all around maturity, just spiritual, emotional and intellectual.

You also need to make sure that, while it is good to not be “worldly”, you are being practical about finances. People need to be able to support themselves and their families and be responsible.

Agree 100%

If you truly feel called to farming or some other agricultural pursuit, that is fine, but you seem to be in the wrong place for that right now.

See my comment above about farming

Don’t underestimate how much food, shelter, clothing, health care, and other necessities cost.

Since I’ve helped pay the bills for the past five years in my house for my grandparents, I know well what they are priced at, to be economically correct.

What if you meet the perfect woman for you, and she has student loans?

By God’s grace, we’ll deal with it. If she’s honest about it, than I can help her pay it off. I’m not clueless about finances, nor am I impractical.

Or what if you get married and then become injured and cannot physically labor anymore? Life rarely turns out the way we expected it to, and it’s prudent to be realistic and responsible.

Pray it doesn’t. If it does, than I’ll find something else to do. While planning for the future is great, I’ve had to learn that you cannot not do something because of the 'what if’s. I take your point though.

It seems like you’re living steps ahead of yourself, and that can be hard. It probably gets tiresome to hear “but you’re still so young”, and I understand that. It’s true, though. Even if you are more mature than most people your age, there are different kinds of maturity and it sounds like emotionally and socially, you may not be as mature as you are intellectually. Remember that patience is a virtue, and ask God for help accepting his will, whatever that may be.

Having had a rather interesting childhood, I know more mature emotionally, as most two psychologists noted. That’s what happens when you take care of seniors. Socially, I know I’m inexperienced, but I’m getting there. That’s something I’ve talked with a psychologist (who’s a practicing Catholic) about. I know I’m young, and I don’t claim to know everything, but I know more than I think people here think I know. I do have a lot to learn (as if we all didn’t), I’m the first to admit. Now, it’s too long of an explanation for me to say about living ahead of myself, and yes, I do, but it’s because I have too. Simply put, I learn opposite of most people. Where most people learn inductively, I learn deductively, and vice versa. What I mean is that I wouldn’t date without desiring marriage, whereas many people come to desire marriage, by dating. I can’t do that, with anything. So, it’s a little bit of a personality querk, I admit, but it’s not something I can change.

Thanks for the reply,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Sojourner1989]

Good luck to you sir, you seem to be very thoughtful and know what you want. It makes me glad to hear that you are pursuing male friendship. I pray that you find what you are looking for! I frankly think that people are waiting too long for marriage, myself included. In all things, many are the plans in the mind of a man, but the purpose of the Lord will be established. God Bless you.

 

[Ridgerunner]

I wonder why you say this (I’m not putting you down, just for reflection). It isn’t as if I have some fantasy wife in mind who I dream about all day, and not do anything else. I do just feel called to be married, and soon as well. How soon soon is, is in God’s hands.

This might be the case with, but I don’t know, and it isn’t honestly that I care about being popular with every girl around. I want a wife, not wives (forgive me if it’s blasphemy).

I explicitly said above that I would be willing to die for my wife (and family) if I need to. Why would you think I wouldn’t? Do you think I’m not mature enough? not serious enough? Not Catholic enough?

ibid.

I’m somewhat offended that you don’t think that I am trying to cultivate myself. It seems to go way over people’s heads what I meant about college. Look, marriage is my vocation (I’m pretty sure), and anything not conducive to it has to go. That’s it. I want to be in college. I’m a good student, I do all the work, and I like college. But, what is not compatible with being married will have to go. I hope college does not. I hope I don’t have to leave school, just like I hope I don’t have to die for my wife or family, but I would if I had to.

ibid. (as immediately above).

I’m tired of explaining this. Please read my other comments before commenting on this, since I have explained myself a number of times already.

I would note that I would sacrifice a hope of farming or whatever (I don’t dream of being a farmer, to be clear) to support my family, but look, 95% of humanity has made its living through farming. It’s not a “fantasy” as some would say.

Good advice. I am/will follow it.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but, if you’re (not necessarily you, by the way) not going to take me seriously, and you’re just going to see as hopelessly fantasical or sexual or something else, or that I’m naive and lacking understanding, without giving a reason as to why you see that, than please do not post.

Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

Ah! Touched a nerve. Well, that can be a good thing at best, irrelevant at worst.

And I took you very seriously.

It’s no accident that all societies everywhere have selected their 18-year-olds for their warriors and their romantics.

I said my piece, and now I’ll leave it with you to think about it or not, as you wish.

 

[Latinitas]

It isn’t that people are trying to get you to hold on to things that will hinder your marriage, it is that they are trying to give you advice on how to start a stable marriage.

When I take a vow, I’m going to fulfill it if it kills me.

A lot of marriages end because of financial problems.

See above.

You are a freshman, in 4 years you will be out of school. I remember being a freshman and thinking that my senior year was too far away to think about. It will be there before you know it. Also, I met my husband in college and married after I was out of school. I met him my sophomore year and married him 3 years later.

Oh I know that four years isn’t a long time from now. But I don’t even have tomorrow assured of me, never mind four years. If four years isn’t a long time (which it isn’t), then I ought to start looking for a wife now.

Relationships have to have time to develop. It isn’t like the movies when you meet a girl and fall in love in 2 weeks. lol.

I absolutely do not fall for the whole Hollywood “marriage” idea (be honest, it’s not as if these are real marriages). I don’t movies anyway, I have no taste for it. You need not tell me that.

When you say that you will quit school to marry makes it seem like you are willing to rush into a marriage, since graduation isn’t that far away in retrospect.

I’m getting a little tired of explaining what I mean here. Frankly, I would rather be put to the guillotine than not sacrifice my college education, or anything else, to provide for my wife. That would be a shame second only to eternal reprobation.

If the girl or if you aren’t willing to wait, then the relationship wouldn’t have lasted anyway. I have known people who have gotten engaged a few months into the relationship and their relationship crumbled during planning the wedding. It was because they didn’t know each other like they thought they did.

You don’t need to know the other person. People have walked blindly into marriages (literally, only met each other at the wedding), and made it work. It takes the discipline to keep a vow. If one will keep the marriage vows, through thick and thin, they will be a good spouse.

They didn’t take the time for the relationship to develop, they just felt that they were “in love.”

See above for the time. Love and charity are acts of the will. If I will to love the woman, then I love her and it can work. There is no “magic” in making love work.

Being “in love” and all the butterflies fade and you are going to have to have a strong, mutual friendship. Strong friendships have to grow into that and that takes time.

I second this.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut,
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Latinitas]

Ah! Touched a nerve. Well, that can be a good thing at best, irrelevant at worst.

Well, I took your thoughts to heart, but then again, I’m not letting it sway me unless I feel some Divine wisdom through it.

And I took you very seriously.

Good.

It’s no accident that all societies everywhere have selected their 18-year-olds for their warriors and their romantics.

Oh, I know. But I’m not most 18 year-olds, either.

I said my piece, and now I’ll leave it with you to think about it or not, as you wish.

Well, of course I’ll think about it. I’m just not sure what I ought to extract from it.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, though
Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[Latinitas]

Good luck to you sir, you seem to be very thoughtful and know what you want. It makes me glad to hear that you are pursuing male friendship. I pray that you find what you are looking for! I frankly think that people are waiting too long for marriage, myself included. In all things, many are the plans in the mind of a man, but the purpose of the Lord will be established. God Bless you.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Ora pro meum

Benedicat Deus
Latinitas

 

[KendraDZ1902]

When I take a vow, I’m going to fulfill it if it kills me.

You don’t need to know the other person. People have walked blindly into marriages (literally, only met each other at the wedding), and made it work. It takes the discipline to keep a vow. If one will keep the marriage vows, through thick and thin, they will be a good spouse.

You are 18 and as the majority of 18 year olds, you think that you have life figured out. When I was 18, no one could tell me anything. I wasn’t going to be like the rest of the world, my situation wasn’t like others, yada yada. It is easy to think how you will be when you are on the outside looking in. Marriage is HARD. You shouldn’t think just because you take a vow before God makes it any better or that you are going to take it more seriously than other faithful Catholics.

People walked blindly into marriage when divorce wasn’t tolerated. Now, you can divorce for any reason whatsoever. You may be fine with going in blindly and so my your young naïve wife, but she can up and realize that she has no idea who you are and file for divorce. It isn’t wise to go in blindly.

Again, you think you have everything figured out. So, do what you want, but it may come back to bite you. I’m done with trying to help you.

 

[Latinitas]

I feel as if this post is losing its original focus.

I request that the moderators close it.