Finding out to late

[VBN55]

I signed a prenup prior to my 2nd marriage. I didn’t appreciate signing it but he did have adult children from previous marriage and because of our age difference they felt I was marrying only for money. It was never about money as I truly love my husband. After seven years of marriage I was recently told by the Priest that married us that had he known we had a prenup he would NOT have married us and basically our marriage is null and void. I have now begged my husband to tear it up and change to a Will but he refusesand said we could ask ten other Priest and get ten other answers. I now feel Im living in sin. The weird part about it, is my husband is a better Catholic/christian than I am. DO I DIVORCE THIS MAN TO SAVE MY SOUL?

 

[Corki]

In Church-speak, your marriage enjoys the favor of the law. You are considered validly married unless or until a tribunal says otherwise. A pre-nup is only evidence that the intent may not have been for a permanent union when a tribunal investigation is started. It doesn’t automatically make a marriage void like an undisclosed prior bond would. As long as you are happily married, it’s not even an issue.

 

[1ke]

In Church-speak, your marriage enjoys the favor of the law. You are considered validly married unless or until a tribunal says otherwise. A pre-nup is only evidence that the intent may not have been for a permanent union when a tribunal investigation is started. It doesn’t automatically make a marriage void like an undisclosed prior bond would. As long as you are happily married, it’s not even an issue.

Well, it is a little more complex than that. Typically, the tribunal has to review the pre-nup and render a ruling before the marriage can take place.

But the Church has ruled that a pre-nup that is solely about the distribution of assets upon death in such a situation as the OP – adult children from a prior marriage – can be legitimate.

It is puzzling, though, that the OPs husband does not believe a will or trust is a better solution and is unwilling to migrate away from this prenup when it so obviously distresses his wife.

OP-- please contact the diocesan tribunal office for guidance. The priest is well-meaning, but this is actually a complex situation he is not trained to handle.

As Corki mentioned, however, your marriage enjoys the favor of the law and is not invalid and you are not living in sin. And no, you should not divorce him.

Please be at peace there.

 

[VBN55]

11Ke, I understood his reasoning at time of marriage for a prenup but now seven years of a happy marriage and he refuses to tear up prenup Im beginning to ask myself is it normal a husband would want EVERYTHING from first marriage and second marriage past, present and future all to his 40 year old successful children and only leave his wife his social security and 150,000 life insurance and his children in excess of 1,500,00? It truly isn’t about money but after all of this I have to wonder who he really loves the most. It makes me so sad because I would never do anything to hurt his children who ny the way still never excepted me even after knowing I signed away everything.

 

[fbl9]

11Ke, I understood his reasoning at time of marriage for a prenup but now seven years of a happy marriage and he refuses to tear up prenup Im beginning to ask myself is it normal a husband would want EVERYTHING from first marriage and second marriage past, present and future all to his 40 year old successful children and only leave his wife his social security and 150,000 life insurance and his children in excess of 1,500,00? It truly isn’t about money but after all of this I have to wonder who he really loves the most. It makes me so sad because I would never do anything to hurt his children who ny the way still never excepted me even after knowing I signed away everything.

If it is not about the money, why then do you measure love in a sum?

would your husband re-write the pre-nup leaving you a agreed upon amount?

 

[VBN55]

I can see how it would appear Im placing a sum on love but the fact is if this is really what makes him happy then I am still ok with it as long as he does this in a Will and not a prenup. However because he has such strong feelings about NOT tearing up prenup it has really made me evaluate everything. Father even mentioned to me it appeared my husband married me because he loved me but perhaps more like a mistress and that a person can love there maid and feel obligated to even leaving them a little inheritances but not neccesarely love them as a wife and become one unity one flesh. He seems to worry more about the stability of his children and their deceased mother than me. From whatyou i understand of marriage a man gives up his family and becomes one flesh with his wife

 

[cmscms]

I am curious how you managed to marry in the Catholic church if this is a second marriage for both of you. That makes me conclude that you are both widowed. In which case I hate to say it but I do think his children should get everything he had prior to marrying you. My parents always vowed to each other that if one of them was to pass, everything they accumulated as a couple would go to their children. Now that my dad is gone, my mom would NEVER give all that they built together to a second husband. How fair is it to the dead person that everything they did for their kids is now given to someone they never knew

If your main concern is about whether or not you are living in sin, I am not knowledgeable enough for that. However, your comment about him leaving $1.5M to his children and not you does make it seem you do measure love and money to some extent. I have to wonder if this is the real issue since when you married him, you were OK with it

CM

 

[Rence]

I don’t understand why you are so upset about him not wanting to tear up the prenup. YOU agreed to sign it. YOU agreed to it. So now you’re having second thoughts and just want him to tear it up just to make YOU happy? You should be aware that many people who remarry have prenups to protect their children’s inheritance, and the Church allows it. He’s not choosing between you and his kids, he’s seeing to it that they get their rightful inheritance. Deal with it. If you have such a great marriage, as you say, I’d put this behind you and move on. You didn’t have a problem with it when you agreed to it and signed it.

 

[Rence]

I can see how it would appear Im placing a sum on love but the fact is if this is really what makes him happy that I am still ok with it as long as he does this in a Will and not a prenup. However because he has such strong feelings about NOT tearing up prenup it has really made me evaluate everything. Father even mentioned to me it appeared my husband married me because he loved me but perhaps more like a mistress and that a person can love there maid and feel obligated to even leaving them a little inheritances but not neccesarely love them as a wife and become one unity one flesh. He seems to worry more about the stability of his children and their deceased mother than me. From whatyou i understand of marriage a man gives up his family and becomes one flesh with his wife

That does NOT mean he separates from his kids and you become the very center of his world.

 

[BettyBoop416]

I signed a prenup prior to my 2nd marriage. I didn’t appreciate signing it but he did have adult children from previous marriage and because of our age difference they felt I was marrying only for money. It was never about money as I truly love my husband. After seven years of marriage I was recently told by the Priest that married us that had he known we had a prenup he would NOT have married us and basically our marriage is null and void. I have now begged my husband to tear it up and change to a Will but he refusesand said we could ask ten other Priest and get ten other answers. I now feel Im living in sin. The weird part about it, is my husband is a better Catholic/christian than I am. DO I DIVORCE THIS MAN TO SAVE MY SOUL?

How did the priest find out about the prenup? This isn’t something that just comes up in casual conversation.

OP-- please contact the diocesan tribunal office for guidance. The priest is well-meaning, but this is actually a complex situation he is not trained to handle.

Unless she is planning to pursue a degree of nullity, why would she contact the tribunal office?

Father even mentioned to me it appeared my husband married me because he loved me but perhaps more like a mistress and that a person can love there maid and feel obligated to even leaving them a little inheritances but not neccesarely love them as a wife and become one unity one flesh.

This priest isn’t doing you any favors with his wild and unfounded speculation.

 

[fbl9]

I can see how it would appear Im placing a sum on love but the fact is if this is really what makes him happy then I am still ok with it as long as he does this in a Will and not a prenup. However because he has such strong feelings about NOT tearing up prenup it has really made me evaluate everything. Father even mentioned to me it appeared my husband married me because he loved me but perhaps more like a mistress and that a person can love there maid and feel obligated to even leaving them a little inheritances but not neccesarely love them as a wife and become one unity one flesh. He seems to worry more about the stability of his children and their deceased mother than me. From whatyou i understand of marriage a man gives up his family and becomes one flesh with his wife

But as a father he does not have give up his flesh.What you speak of here is the man giving up his parents, the parents do not give up on their own flesh.The bond between a man and his child is closer than that of his to his parents.

I assume your husband is a businessman, and seems to be gifted at it, would never tear up a valid agreement.Which would involve less finacial fees, the will, or pre-nup?

 

[VBN55]

We were able to marry in the church because his wife had passed and my first marriage was annulled. I too AGREE his children should get absolutely everything that their mother and father earned and collected together, however I do question why they should get everything he and I have worked for. Although he has bought the majority of the things we have “collected” together which has sentimental value to me but none to his children theywill get those things not me. I guess I have also allowed my friends to influence me by saying I must be crazy taking care of all my husbands needs while his children rarely visit yet if he passes I need to move out of hisher home heand purchased one weekkin opriior to marryingdo me and take only my personal belongings I guess I feel not valued, not important, not his priority. I hate that I have to relate this to monetary things but it all started with what my Priest told me. Prior to that I never questioned anything.

 

[Rence]

We were able to marry in the church because his wife had passed and my first marriage was annulled. I too AGREE his children should get absolutely everything that their mother and father earned and collected together, however I do question why they should get everything he and I have worked for. Although he has bought the majority of the things we have “collected” together which has sentimental value to me but none to his children will get those things not me. I guess I have also allowed my friends to influence me by saying I must be crazy taking care of all my husbands needs while his children rarely visit yet if he passes I need to move and tame only my personal belongings. I guess I feel not valued, not important, not his priority. I hate that I have to relate this to monetary things but it all started with what my Priest told me. Prior to that I never questioned anything.

Have you told your husband that you are worried for your future, and need to know you will have a roof over your head when he passes?

 

[underacloud]

From the sounds of it, this prenup may be so unfair that it would not stand up in court regardless. A prenup that protects prior assets is one thing; but a prenup that states that marital assets build after the marriage belong solely to one spouse is unlikely to hold up. Who constructed this prenup? His laywers I presume? Did you have your own legal representation?

 

[VBN55]

Trying to answer everyones questions so I can get answers. I DID agree to a prenup but at the time had NO knowledge that the church had anything to say about it being wrong. I only found out after seven years because I went to see my Priest about other matters and the conversation led to why they call it blended families when they never seem to blend. From there the conversation went to the beginning of our dating to the current date and I mention prenup and how signing it did NOT make his children like me anymore and i have had so much hurt from them. Now I guess Im out of control with all my thoughts.

 

[VBN55]

The prenup was drawn up by his attorney and my attorney reviewed it and I agreed to it. Our state is a community state so anything prior to our marriage belonged to that spouse anyway so it was more about protecting his future. In my heart I thought it was to prove to his children that I did love him and it wasn’t about money. I also thought it would help our relationship but it has not. I am totally opposite of their mother and I believe they have a hard time understanding how their dad could love someone so different. Yes I have told him its about me being scared of my future and where I will go etc. We even attending marriage counciling but frankly the counslor got frustrated after five sessions and my husband had not followed through with any suggestions that he agreed to. Each week he was just to busy to handle it. The counselor told us to come back once we made some progress. I felt like I had been expelled from school

 

[pnewton]

I would say that since the marriage has the presumption of validity, there is simply no reason to question further and move on. It is valid unless annulled and you are not leaving in sin.

As to the future, if you are concerned, then it would be totally appropriate for you both to have a will that will fairly divide the assets. This way, divorce would not be addressed, and in the event of death, you could be provided for.

I would say off hand that his all previous assets and a portion of your joint assets could go his children and you should be allowed your half of the joint assets, and half of his portion of the joint assets.

 

[underacloud]

The prenup was drawn up by his attorney and my attorney reviewed it and I agreed to it. Our state is a community state so anything prior to our marriage belonged to that spouse anyway so it was more about protecting his future.

Oh dear…I thought it was about protecting his past and the assets due his children if you died (or divorced), but this is much worse! This could certainly be considered an impediment to a valid marriage.

But why on earth did your attorney agree to it?

 

[cmscms]

, however I do question why they should get everything he and I have worked for. .

I 100% agree that anything you collected after marrying him should go to you.

However, I think perhaps you are placing your energy in the wrong place. In a 30 minute sitcom, children don’t like their step mom, they have a heart to heart talk and then they realize the step mom is a good person and everything has a happy ending. This is life. Now that my dad is gone, if ever my mom remarries, it really doesn’t matter who it is, I will never like him. That is just the way some kids are. And if you have little contact all the more reason because they just will never get to know you. So I think praying to accept his kids won’t like you is better than trying to prove yourself. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. You are lovable whether your step kids think so or not.

And yes, it can hurt to have a counscellor tell you not to come back. I think it was the counscellor’s way of telling your husband to shape up because he was not going to take his garbage.

As for your husband. I suspect his reluctance come from the fact he knows or senses your priest said things to get you worked up. No man wants anyone medling in his marriage. If you can gently show him this is what YOU want, not what OTHERS are telling you to do, your husband may be more likely to take you into consideration.

When all that is said and done, you do need to realize you are changing the original agreement. Perhaps your husband felt he had more income potential than you at the time and what the two of you collect as a couple would be thanks to him. (I am not saying I agree with this logic, I am simply trying to point out how your DH may be thinking). So now 7 years later he being asked to change the original agreement, he is thinking ‘No fair, had I know this, I maybe never would have married you’. Or perhaps he is thinking ‘Now that she knows how much money I can earn and it really is a lot she wants some’

I think the best course of actin is to not pressure your husband at this point. He may never come around, and you will have some hard decisions to make

CM

 

[VBN55]

So I have one more question…I’ve always believed that a sin is NOT a sin if you do not know its a sin however once you realize it is a sin then you must confess and receive absolution. Yes we both have believed we have a Catholic marriage blessed by God but NOW I know the church does not validate marriages with a prenup UNLESS it is approved by the tribunal. Therefore that’s the problem Im having, and why I now feel Im living in sin and in the eyes of the church my wedding is null and void. Am I looking at this incorrectly. I’ve always been a rule follower and needed that pat on the back that says I did the right thing. I know that sounds crazy coming from a 57 year old but it is the truth.