Finding out to late

[VBN55]

I am going to ask again, why did your attorney agree to this? You had bad advice if he advised you to sign. You gave away the store, so to speak. But I think you might need to get more legal advice. Take the copy of the prenup to another lawyer and see if it would actually hold up in court. Granted, if it came to that, the lawyers would profit and everything else would be destroyed because the children would probably fight you. The best thing is for you and your husband to get counseling and come to some kind of compromise.

My attorney said it was the tightest one sided agreement he had ever seen but if money was not the object then sign it. He did say he was not sure it would hold up in court. I just want my husband to make sure I am financially able to take you care of myself should I live another 20 years past him and I would like some of the sentimental things HE bought us like our bedroom set or paintings but he feels his social security that I will get from him will provide for me. I don’t want to fight his kids or hurt his kids in any way and this is not about money but about my well being and Im having a difficult time understanding why he is so much more concerned about his children than me. I would at least like to feel equal to his children. I love my own children with every fiber of my body but my husband comes first.

 

[cmscms]

. I love my own children with every fiber of my body but my husband comes first.

This answers your previous question as to why I could NEVER accept my mom remarrying now that my Dad is gone. Seeing MY parents putting each other before me is something very cute to see because it shows my parents actually have a romantic side. But for my mom to give that special place to a man who is not my father, sorry, I will never like him.

 

[VBN55]

They have one life. How does a person get more central than that, pray tell?

You weren’t the one not doing your homework; your DH was.

BTW: What did your husband agree to do that he has failed to follow up on?

Talk to an attorney about perhaps voiding prenup and changing to a Will or Trust, putting one of the cars in my name only and opening a checking account putting a small amount in per month for groceries and gas so when places would not accept my type of credit card would ne able to write a check. He could not find time in five weeks to do any of that.

 

[VBN55]

This sounds like a very complicated situation (step families are like that, aren’t they ?). It sounds like there are marriage problems as well as problems between the father/children and step parent/children. I married someone with children too, so I know how complicated it can get. First, all the emotions of everyone involved and next, all the practical things like wills, etc.

From what I read here, I suggest you get an attorney of your own and have the pre-nup reviewed. The terms sound unfair and you need to plan for your future. If your husband doesn’t get that, well then, so be it. You need to do what you need to do legally to be sure you are not destitute. The children will just have to deal with it. It is not unreasonable. If they get mad, let them. I like what someone said about visiting a lawyer for an estate plan. You can both do this (and will need to–you both have to sign).

Next, regarding the church stuff. Again, very complicated. If it was me, I’d put it aside for now and deal with the other stuff first. I don’t know enough about the catholic church laws to know what you should do, but the priest did marry you (even though he wishes he hadn’t) and now you are married. So that’s how it will be until someone changes it.

Finally, can you find some support for yourself? Do you have close friends you can talk to about this? Can you find your own counselor? I think it would be helpful if you had someone else to talk to and help you through this. I will say a prayer for you now too.

Yes I have a few wonderful friends and I do talk with them about this but I feel that this site has helped me so much more because y’all are hearing the story but have no relation with my husband or me. Sometimes I feel my friends can’t see things straight because they love me and don’t want to see me hurt. I am so very thankful for everyones (name removed by moderator)ut. Of course my husband would have a stroke if he thought I was putting our business out in public but sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed Im going to explode

 

[underacloud]

Talk to an attorney about perhaps voiding prenup and changing to a Will or Trust, putting one of the cars in my name only and opening a checking account putting a small amount in per month for groceries and gas so when places would not accept my type of credit card would ne able to write a check. He could not find time in five weeks to do any of that.

You say how much you love your husband, but frankly he’s not coming off well at all in how you describe him. Forcing you to sign a patently unfair prenup…refusing to share marital assets such as cars and cash…putting his adult children’s unreasonable wishes ahead of your own. It seems like your agreeing to this prenup back then has established a terrible pattern for you to be treated like a second class citizen in your own marriage.

You have every right to be concerned about your future, if you outlive him. You need to be careful, since pushing this further may well create cracks in your marriage, but you can’t be blind to the risks that you already face.

 

[EasterJoy]

This answers your previous question as to why I could NEVER accept my mom remarrying now that my Dad is gone. Seeing MY parents putting each other before me is something very cute to see because it shows my parents actually have a romantic side. But for my mom to give that special place to a man who is not my father, sorry, I will never like him.

That’s kind of rough luck for your mom, no? You have a life of your own, but she doesn’t get one? It’s not as if it is easy for a parent to see children leave and make a family that has to be put before their family of origin, either.

Oh, well, sometimes people say this in advance, and then when they meet the actual new spouse, they are eventually won over. Once you see a formerly lonely parent happy again, and you realize that you love her and this makes her happy, that can happen.

If not, just because you can’t help your feelings does not mean you cannot help how you act. An adult child does not have carte blanche to let grief make him or her rude or otherwise uncharitable. Some things are not negotiable; being understandable does not make them excusable.

 

[VBN55]

This sounds like a very complicated situation (step families are like that, aren’t they ?). It sounds like there are marriage problems as well as problems between the father/children and step parent/children. I married someone with children too, so I know how complicated it can get. First, all the emotions of everyone involved and next, all the practical things like wills, etc.

From what I read here, I suggest you get an attorney of your own and have the pre-nup reviewed. The terms sound unfair and you need to plan for your future. If your husband doesn’t get that, well then, so be it. You need to do what you need to do legally to be sure you are not destitute. The children will just have to deal with it. It is not unreasonable. If they get mad, let them. I like what someone said about visiting a lawyer for an estate plan. You can both do this (and will need to–you both have to sign).

Next, regarding the church stuff. Again, very complicated. If it was me, I’d put it aside for now and deal with the other stuff first. I don’t know enough about the catholic church laws to know what you should do, but the priest did marry you (even though he wishes he hadn’t) and now you are married. So that’s how it will be until someone changes it.

Finally, can you find some support for yourself? Do you have close friends you can talk to about this? Can you find your own counselor? I think it would be helpful if you had someone else to talk to and help you through this. I will say a prayer for you now too.

Just out of curiosity, what were the things the counsellor suggest he needs to do that he’s been too busy to get around to?

What do your children say about all of this? Are they at all concerned that their FIL might keep their family’s heirlooms if you die before he does? Do they get along well with your husband?

One year after I was married two of my sons became disabled. One a paraplegic the other a brain injury. At the time of my marriage I was a very successful business woman and financially stable due to my own earnings and NOT from a previous marriage. After both sons were injured and dealing with dying parents and a grandchild who I had to raise I retired from my job. Needless to say I have gone through most of my money due to the above situations. My children have never asked or indicated they wanted or expected anything when I die. Neither did I with my own parents. To be honest I HAD NOT even co sidered the repacutions of MY children LOSING my family heirlooms to his children I had just considered it about myself OMG. Thanks for pointing that out!

 

[VBN55]

That’s kind of rough luck for your mom, no? You have a life of your own, but she doesn’t get one? It’s not as if it is easy for a parent to see children leave and make a family that has to be put before their family of origin, either.

Oh, well, sometimes people say this in advance, and then when they meet the actual new spouse, they are eventually won over. Once you see a formerly lonely parent happy again, and you realize that you love her and this makes her happy, that can happen.

If not, just because you can’t help your feelings does not mean you cannot help how you act. An adult child does not have carte blanche to let grief make him or her rude or otherwise uncharitable. Some things are not negotiable; being understandable does not make them excusable.

Thank you Easterjoy as I did not know how yo reply to this but what you said IS EXACTLY how I feel!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That’s kind of rough luck for your mom, no? You have a life of your own, but she doesn’t get one? It’s not as if it is easy for a parent to see children leave and make a family that has to be put before their family of origin, either.

Oh, well, sometimes people say this in advance, and then when they meet the actual new spouse, they are eventually won over. Once you see a formerly lonely parent happy again, and you realize that you love her and this makes her happy, that can happen.

If not, just because you can’t help your feelings does not mean you cannot help how you act. An adult child does not have carte blanche to let grief make him or her rude or otherwise uncharitable. Some things are not negotiable; being understandable does not make them excusable.

I was THRILLED for my father, that he had found love again, 10 years after my mother had died. And I loved my stepmother the first time I met her. She was and still is a loving person. She had no children of her own, so I became her daughter and my kids are her grandchildren. She calls me her daughter and I call her “Mom.” She gave my dad 15 years of joy. She married again about 2 years after my dad passed away, and I was happy for her. Unfortunately her husband died about 5 years later. So she is alone now, and I wish we could be closer to her in location.

 

[VBN55]

You say how much you love your husband, but frankly he’s not coming off well at all in how you describe him. Forcing you to sign a patently unfair prenup…refusing to share marital assets such as cars and cash…putting his adult children’s unreasonable wishes ahead of your own. It seems like your agreeing to this prenup back then has established a terrible pattern for you to be treated like a second class citizen in your own marriage.

You have every right to be concerned about your future, if you outlive him. You need to be careful, since pushing this further may well create cracks in your marriage, but you can’t be blind to the risks that you already face.

I realize what it sounds like and I hate making him out to be a bad guy because he is truly wonderful. He has stood by me through horrible times in my life when two of my children became disabled. He never stood in my way to stop working when I said I had to much on my plate, he has helped my children financially, he supports me financially WHILE HE IS ALIVE and I want for nothing. He is a good Catholic, generous to others, if you or sick he is there for you even if you are a stranger. He is faithful, trustworthy, a respected businessman.The problem just exist after he passes.beginning with he wants to be buried by his deceased wife with me on a different plot next to them and then everything going to children

 

[cmscms]

That’s kind of rough luck for your mom, no? You have a life of your own, but she doesn’t get one? It’s not as if it is easy for a parent to see children leave and make a family that has to be put before their family of origin, either.

Oh, well, sometimes people say this in advance, and then when they meet the actual new spouse, they are eventually won over. Once you see a formerly lonely parent happy again, and you realize that you love her and this makes her happy, that can happen.

If not, just because you can’t help your feelings does not mean you cannot help how you act. An adult child does not have carte blanche to let grief make him or her rude or otherwise uncharitable. Some things are not negotiable; being understandable does not make them excusable.

EasterJoy, I think you missed the point of my post. The OP asked me why I would never like a step dad and I simply answered. I was not saying I would be rude to him or that I would outwardly try to stop my mom’s second marriage. Please don’t accuse me of something I never did. I was simply trying to show the OP where her step kids could be coming from.

Besides, before having kids, all parents know one day the children will marry and leave. However, not all kids know before being born they will see a parent remarry. The expectations are different.

I am simply saying I think the OP is placing her energy in the wrong place. If her step kids don’t like her, she should just accept it, set boundaries that she will be treatly respectfully and leave it at that. Whether or not her step kids come around, only God knows but I wouldn’t keep trying to push it. Just my 2 cents

CM

 

[SMHW]

This answers your previous question as to why I could NEVER accept my mom remarrying now that my Dad is gone. Seeing MY parents putting each other before me is something very cute to see because it shows my parents actually have a romantic side. But for my mom to give that special place to a man who is not my father, sorry, I will never like him.

I actually think this is a very common viewpoint that children, both underage and adult, hold about their parents. As I said in an earlier post, children often see their parents as a single unit with different personalities and they frequently don’t let death or divorce change their viewpoint. Is it rather selfish for adult children to act on these thoughts and feelings. Yes. But I think this viewpoint for adult children is NORMAL.

That said, the husband in this case is way over the top unfair. If he wanted to cater to his children he should never have remarried at all. He is treating this relationship like VBN55 is a live-in guest (with benefits) rather than as a wife.

 

[VBN55]

I was THRILLED for my father, that he had found love again, 10 years after my mother had died. And I loved my stepmother the first time I met her. She was and still is a loving person. She had no children of her own, so I became her daughter and my kids are her grandchildren. She calls me her daughter and I call her “Mom.” She gave my dad 15 years of joy. She married again about 2 years after my dad passed away, and I was happy for her. Unfortunately her husband died about 5 years later. So she is alone now, and I wish we could be closer to her in location.

Your stepmother was a very lucky lady and you sound like a wonderful thoughtful mature adult

 

[VBN55]

I actually think this is a very common viewpoint that children, both underage and adult, hold about their parents. As I said in an earlier post, children often see their parents as a single unit with different personalities and they frequently don’t let death or divorce change their viewpoint. Is it rather selfish for adult children to act on these thoughts and feelings. Yes. But I think this viewpoint for adult children is NORMAL.

That said, the husband in this case is way over the top unfair. If he wanted to cater to his children he should never have remarried at all. He is treating this relationship like VBN55 is a live-in guest (with benefits) rather than as a wife.

And as I said in the beginning of this thread, what you just said was basically what my Priest said…he loved me and married me but not as a wife but as a mistress

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy, I think you missed the point of my post. The OP asked me why I would never like a step dad and I simply answered. I was not saying I would be rude to him or that I would outwardly try to stop my mom’s second marriage. Please don’t accuse me of something I never did. I was simply trying to show the OP where her step kids could be coming from.

Besides, before having kids, all parents know one day the children will marry and leave. However, not all kids know before being born they will see a parent remarry. The expectations are different.

I am simply saying I think the OP is placing her energy in the wrong place. If her step kids don’t like her, she should just accept it, set boundaries that she will be treatly respectfully and leave it at that. Whether or not her step kids come around, only God knows but I wouldn’t keep trying to push it. Just my 2 cents

CM

I didn’t mean to condemn you. You know how a certain prospect makes you feel, and that is OK. I meant that you would not feel entitled to treat the OP as she has been treated. Your feelings would be totally understandable, yet they would not be a reason for your mom not to marry. If she married someone and you decided you couldn’t like him, that would be your issue to deal with, just as your parents would have a moral duty to deal with whoever you decided to marry that they might or might not happen to have liked.

As for what parents “know”…that also doesn’t make their feelings act a certain way. Their feelings are what they are, and adults, both parents and children, have to learn to adjust how they feel to the actual hand that life deals to them. Even young children who get the very hard lesson that sometimes parents die and sometimes widowed parents remarry have to learn to accept that.

You are right, though: there is no guarantee that her husband’s children will ever get that, not even if they are otherwise nice people. Feelings are like that, sometimes. We also don’t even know if any of this has the least thing to do with their mother. They may have hated their mother and have no interest in anything but not losing a cent of their dad’s wealth to anybody, including their other siblings!! The OP may have married into a family with totally nasty children who think their dad owes them everything his sweat and effort can gather into one place. Attorneys can tell you that such families unfortunately do exist. Either way, whether they are nice but grieving their parent’s relationship or not very nice people trying to grasp money they did nothing to earn, those children are out of her control. Only her actions are in her control, and the less any of us concerns ourselves with things that aren’t in our control, the happier and better off we tend to be. Absolutely, you’re right on about that!

Well, I’ll take that back. Probably, if I were her, I’d have an easier time if I imagined that these were nice people just having a hard time with a hard situation. Maybe it it’s just me, but bad treatment for reasons like that would be much easier for me to endure.

 

[EasterJoy]

PS It sounds to me like the OP’s DH wants the advantages of a younger wife, and none of the problems. Nice try, buddy. You’re married. You and your wife can arrange your affairs any way that suits the two of you, but act like a husband!

 

[cmscms]

I didn’t mean to condemn you. You know how a certain prospect makes you feel, and that is OK. I meant that you would not feel entitled to treat the OP as she has been treated. .

Thank you for explainingg that.

Your feelings would be totally understandable, yet they would not be a reason for your mom not to marry. If she married someone and you decided you couldn’t like him, that would be your issue to deal with, just as your parents would have a moral duty to deal with whoever you decided to marry that they might or might not happen to have liked.

100% agree

As for what parents “know”…that also doesn’t make their feelings act a certain way. Their feelings are what they are, and adults, both parents and children, have to learn to adjust how they feel to the actual hand that life deals to them…

I agree that knowing doesn’t always make things easier, but it does change the angle

Well, I’ll take that back. Probably, if I were her, I’d have an easier time if I imagined that these were nice people just having a hard time with a hard situation. Maybe it it’s just me, but bad treatment for reasons like that would be much easier for me to endure.

Well, you are a better person than me ! I would simply say to myself 'If these people can not see my good qualities, I will just find others to share them with. And that is me

 

[underacloud]

I realize what it sounds like and I hate making him out to be a bad guy because he is truly wonderful. He has stood by me through horrible times in my life when two of my children became disabled. He never stood in my way to stop working when I said I had to much on my plate, he has helped my children financially, he supports me financially WHILE HE IS ALIVE and I want for nothing. He is a good Catholic, generous to others, if you or sick he is there for you even if you are a stranger. He is faithful, trustworthy, a respected businessman.The problem just exist after he passes.beginning with he wants to be buried by his deceased wife with me on a different plot next to them and then everything going to children

If he is such a wonderful husband, he will have no problem considering the issue of your welfare if he dies. This needs to be addressed legally. This may be as simple as considering the life insurance you discussed earlier and raising the payout level to one that would provide a more reasonable income to you. This could be achieved quite simply and the increased premium may be minimal. You may wish to consult with a financial advisor to arrive at an agreeable level of insurance. If you were to suggest this approach, it might also remove the need for lawyers or for the previous agreement to be negated, although it may need to be amended to allow for this increase and ensure his kids didn’t try to get their hands on it after his death. Would that we a workable solution?

 

[VBN55]

If he is such a wonderful husband, he will have no problem considering the issue of your welfare if he dies. This needs to be addressed legally. This may be as simple as considering the life insurance you discussed earlier and raising the payout level to one that would provide a more reasonable income to you. This could be achieved quite simply and the increased premium may be minimal. You may wish to consult with a financial advisor to arrive at an agreeable level of insurance. If you were to suggest this approach, it might also remove the need for lawyers or for the previous agreement to be negated, although it may need to be amended to allow for this increase and ensure his kids didn’t try to get their hands on it after his death. Would that we a workable solution?

That was what the counselor advised as well was to raise insurance limit however my husbands response to this was the premium for a substantial amount at his age would ne unaffordable. As I read and reread these post Im starting to ask myself am I insane

 

[VBN55]

PS It sounds to me like the OP’s DH wants the advantages of a younger wife, and none of the problems. Nice try, buddy. You’re married. You and your wife can arrange your affairs any way that suits the two of you, but act like a husband!

Amen to that!