First communion confession

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In my experience, the children who react best to the First Reconciliation experience are those for whom the emphasis was not on what a “good” Confession looks like or contains, but rather those whose instruction focused on the meaning of the Sacrament and its effect, along with a good, age-appropriate discussion about what sin is. The last time I taught the First Reconciliation prep class, that emphasis on the effect of the Sacrament was so persuasive that I had twenty or so little ones all clamouring to announce the sins they wanted to confess in the middle of my class!

By the way, my favourite description of sin, offered by a priest who had spent many years in sacrament preparation, is beautifully simplistic and yet profound: “Sin is a lack of love.” It has been an explanation that I find works well with children.

If children are worrying too much about “doing it right”, their stress tends to overshadow the beauty of this sacrament. Maybe for now focus your conversations away from what her Confession should contain and look at a broader discussion about sin and Reconciliation. Perhaps that will help both of you.
 
Thanks for that. If you are raised Catholic or have been a Catholic for a long time then I think there is MUCH background information gleaned from life experience being catholic and all the people known and connected with over the years that is taken for granted sometimes I have noticed. I am looking to get as much of that information as I can before speaking with my daughter more deeply.

I could easily extrapolate much of the Catholic mindset from a range of confessions which is why I asked.
 
If it helps, I’m not a cradle Catholic. I converted (well, was baptised, actually, as I had no faith growing up) just a few years ago, and just after converting, was asked to help with the parish’s RE program. When I questioned bringing someone so new into that role, I was reminded that I understood perhaps better than anyone what it was like to be learning about these sacraments and preparing for them.
 
franklinstower said:
Thanks everyone. I have put in a call to the priest. My question is more around the topic of how in depth the confession ought to be. It seems there could easily be levels to this that are developmentally inappropriate.

I plan to teach my daughter a very involved form of self examination but in no way feel it is appropriate at this age so then the question is how much is appropriate? followed by what does the priest expect in this situation?

To top that off-- in discussion with my daughter she does not feel safe revealing her heart and soul to our priest so the question of how much info is expected is quite important.
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Be assured that the priest is aware of all that.

When the child is a 7 year old making First Confession, the priest expects to hear the confession of a 7 year old; and does not have the same expectations he would for a 30 year old. So don’t worry.

If she is in formal First Communion preparation classes, they should (at least typically do) provide an examination of conscience which is age-appropriate. No doubt there are some available online that other posters can provide.
 
What casslean said is important:
casslean said:
the children who react best to the First Reconciliation experience are those for whom the emphasis was not on what a “good” Confession looks like or contains, but rather those whose instruction focused on the meaning of the Sacrament and its effect, along with a good, age-appropriate discussion about what sin is.
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Also, you keep asking about what our children confess. I’ve never asked mine that, and I never will. My parents did not ask me, and I probably wouldn’t have told them even if they did. Don’t ask your daughter what she confessed.

I can tell you that my first confession consisted of the sorts of things that wesrock mentioned in his post. It’s nothing overwhelming or deep in the slightest bit. It’s an “introduction” to the Sacrament. It’s focus should be on forgiveness and God’s love.

The kids should not be “coached” by parents into what should be revealed and what is inappropriate. That gives the wrong impression. If your kid asks, “what things should I say?” then give an appropriate answer while trying to avoid “speaking for them”.

Don’t over think it. That’s a common thing some converts tend to do. They sometimes seem to get worked up or overly concerned about this thing or the other.
 
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Thank you for the reply. I cant get behind most of what you have said especially about not asking my daughter what she will confess. It is her asking me about those things and wanting coaching.

I can tell some people here have not put much though into all of this. I am being misunderstood because I am putting a lot of thought into it. Its not over thinking. It is basic parental concern. I put forth the same effort for her diet and activities. Her relationship with God is the most important thing she will ever have and it is my job to help form that in her.

I have to be informed.
 
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When my son was preparing for his 1st Confession we had a pet ferret. (He has since given me permission to use this story when I teach classes and such).

One morning I noticed the ferret had changed color, it was now almost white! Then I realized that the grey/taupe ends of it’s fur had been cut off. There were a couple more little boy + ferret mishaps along the way.

So, fast forward to 1st Confession. Being analytical, even at age 7, he wrote down a list of his sins, and he asked me to look at it before he went in.

On the list of your typical little kid things was “I gave my ferret a haircut”.

I did advise him that not everyone knows what a ferret is, sometimes people think we mean “parrot”, and he might have to explain it to Fr C.

When he came out of the confessional, he bounded down the steps and shouted “Mom Fr C knows what a ferret is!”.

As a convert, confession was just something that I did and when I went I took DS along. He’d sit in the pew and wait for me to come out.

Also, we made a point to be friendly with our priests, they came to social events, dinner, cookouts, so priests were not intimidating to our son. Maybe have Father over for dinner sometime?

This is a cute, short video
 
franklinstower said:
Thank you for the reply. I cant get behind most of what you have said especially about not asking my daughter what she will confess. It is her asking me about those things and wanting coaching.
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When I first joined the faith, I was similarly preoccupied with wanting to know what I was supposed to say and how I was supposed to say it. More than one priest had to gently remind me that Confession isn’t necessarily something we need to “get right.” It’s about coming before God with sincerity and contrition. Your daughter can be assured that the priest will help her figure out how to say anything she is struggling with.

None of us is criticizing you for wanting to help your daughter. We are only suggesting you shift your focus on HOW you can help her.
 
As Father said, every child is prepared for their first confession by the catechists. We don’t make assumptions about lifestyles or judge parents (parents do the best they can and need our support). Our program gently leads up to the first confession over quite a few sessions and on the day we go through what happens. We use a child’s exam of conscience based on the Our Father. Because we all forget things, each child goes to their first confession with a sheet of paper with everything they need. And we are on hand to help if needed (except for listening or hearing any confession).
 
I am sorry that you feel that way. Thank you for trying to help.
 
casslean said:
When I first joined the faith, I was similarly preoccupied with wanting to know what I was supposed to say and how I was supposed to say it. More than one priest had to gently remind me that Confession isn’t necessarily something we need to “get right.” It’s about coming before God with sincerity and contrition. Your daughter can be assured that the priest will help her figure out how to say anything she is struggling with.

None of us is criticizing you for wanting to help your daughter. We are only suggesting you shift your focus on HOW you can help her.
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That only goes so far.

I have heard many, many first confessions over my years; especially because first confession is a typical time to ask local priests to help at other parishes.

I can tell right away what type of catechism teachers the children have. Those who have the “nothing matters, Jesus loves you is all that counts” attitude are the consistently worst-prepared for the sacrament. Often completely clueless.

The children DO NEED to learn the ritual of confession. They need to know how to start, and they need to have an act of contrition memorized. It is not sufficient to just say to them “don’t worry about it, Father will tell you what to do.” That’s absolutely unacceptable. It is not my role as confessor to try to teach a child how to go to confession while that first confession is happening. There’s no legitimate reason why I (or any other confessor) should have to teach a child an act of contrition during first confession. While any child might become nervous and might need a little help; it’s really unacceptable to send children to confession who are not properly prepared. And that does mean teaching them how to say “bless me Father, for I have sinned…” and teaching them to have an act of contrition memorized.

I also notice that the “Jesus loves you that’s all that matters” attitude of teaching fails in its responsibility to teach children just what is or is not a sin. I see a definite pattern where the children who know the “how” of Confession are likewise the best prepared in knowing what to confess–that is, knowing what is a sin.

Sacramental preparation is supposed to be exactly that: preparing children to receive a sacrament. Telling them “don’t worry about it, Father will tell you what to do when the time comes” does them no service at all.
 
FrDavid96 said:
The children DO NEED to learn the ritual of confession. They need to know how to start, and they need to have an act of contrition memorized. It is not sufficient to just say to them “don’t worry about it, Father will tell you what to do.” That’s absolutely unacceptable. It is not my role as confessor to try to teach a child how to go to confession while that first confession is happening. There’s no legitimate reason why I (or any other confessor) should have to teach a child an act of contrition during first confession. While any child might become nervous and might need a little help; it’s really unacceptable to send children to confession who are not properly prepared. And that does mean teaching them how to say “bless me Father, for I have sinned…” and teaching them to have an act of contrition memorized.
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I think you misunderstand me. I’m not suggesting that children shouldn’t be taught the ritual (though I disagree with having them memorize the Act of Contrition - I would rather they bring a copy in with them and not have to stress about forgetting part). The OP was focusing on WHAT her child should include in her confession.

I’m also not suggesting we adopt a “Jesus loves you that’s all that matters” attitude. I’m suggesting that preparation for Confession should focus on imparting an understanding of what sin is and why reconciliation is so important, rather than just placing emphasis on the need to come up with a laundry list of things to tell the priest. My comment regarding the priest helping was not in the nature of “Don’t worry, Father will tell you what to do,” but rather that preparation should focus on WHAT you are confessing and WHY you are confessing it, rather than if you are saying it perfectly.

Perhaps this is an area where we will have to disagree. But speaking as someone who is a perfectionist and who suffered significant anxiety when first approaching the Confessional, this was the advice that helped me most and allowed Reconciliation to become a place to find peace, rather than an exercise to dread. That’s why I shared it.
 
FrDavid96 said:
There’s no legitimate reason why I (or any other confessor) should have to teach a child an act of contrition during first confession.
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Learned that lesson. Our pastor at the time (now a kinda “famous” priest) was hearing RE/CCD kids confessions during Lent. After the second child went it, he came out and asked all of the Catechists to step outside the nave. He then very sternly told us that these children were not properly prepared for Confession. That we needed to go back and prepare our children over the next weeks and he would hear the RE kids confessions at a later date.

He was not mean, but he was very clear and firm. Each of us became better catechists after that.

(These were not 1st Confession kids, but, as any catechist will tell you, most kids in our classes had not been to confession since their first confession and were now in 4th or 5th or 6th grade! We cannot assume that mom and dad are taking them to Confession.)
 
This is the best answer so far and if I understood it correctly it came from a priest.

I am just one of those people who wants to understand deeply and teach my daughter well from that understanding. I read much of scholarly theology and bible studies. I have a contemplative spiritual director who is walking me in the ways of contemplative prayer. I am taking nothing in this life more seriously than helping to form my daughters spirituality and understanding. It is the most precious gift I can give her.

It would not matter what milestone we were heading towards in her development. I would still be seeking out all of the information I could find, absorbing it and then praying and asking for help in trying to do Gods will passing it on to my daughter.

This thread is just one avenue of course but I have found I can often learn a lot here from very educated people.

I am taking care because of how profoundly valuable all of this is to me and my wife and we want to share it all with our daughter in the best possible way given all of our limitations.

The guidance of the Holy Spirit here is paramount but first I need the guidance of the Church and its community.
 
If she’s afraid, you should first seek to understand why. Is she afraid of the priest? Is she afraid that God will not forgive her sins? Depending on the source of that fear, there are steps you can take together with her to put her mind at ease.

The ritual is important, and making an effort to get it right is important, but I don’t see why, for her first confession especially, she should not be able to go in with a piece of paper that helps her get the words right so she doesn’t feel embarrassed or confused about that. A church I used go to when I lived somewhere else actually had the words written out there below the screen.

As for the sins she should confess, I would say that kids her age are usually very good at knowing the difference between right and wrong. It’s usually later in life that we have an easier time excusing our bad behavior and try to worm our way out of things with an endless series of justifications. I’m sure that she knows what to confess, and is mainly struggling with how to put it into words. What matters most is that she go to confession feeling sorry for her sins, and wants to do better. I would not advise having her tell you what she intends to confess, as she might hold some things back out of fear of your reaction, which would ill-prepare her. Instead, give her some cues about what she might want to confess, by talking about things like the Ten Commandments, and the Golden Rule. I’m sure she hasn’t murdered anyone, or committed adultery, but kids will sometimes take things that aren’t theirs, and they sometimes do unto others things they’d rather weren’t done to them. You should also remind her that God wants to forgive us, and that even when we feel unworthy of His love because of our sins, He still offers us a way to that forgiveness and it is a wonderful gift. Your daughter should be excited for the opportunity to receive the sacrament, and I guarantee she will feel great afterwards. I remember after my first confession I ran back to my parents with a big grin on my face. Even now as an adult, I feel a tremendous lifting of weight off of me after I have gone to Reconciliation, and I think most Catholics feel the same. All of the sacraments are a blessing, and your daughter should know that and believe in that.
 
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I would suggest asking your priest. Also, if there is some kind of religious education, such as Sunday School, I would enroll her because it will teach her about being Catholic and what happens. Confession is nothing to be afraid of, although I can understand why she would be. If she is not in Sunday school then I would ask the priest about it, but here is what happens:
Your daughter will stand in line (if more people are doing this,) and when it is her turn, she will go in. If she does not know what to do, the priest will prompt her to do it (and trust me, I think it is rare for a priest to have a confession without giving some reminder on what to do at this age!) She will talk about things she is sorry for (such as stealing her brother’s toys or lying to you, for example.) It does not need to be very specific. As for the actual confession, she needs to be there alone because sins are private and the priest has sworn to God to never tell a sin heard at confession or it is a sin that cannot be forgiven. He will not let anyone know. He will then instruct him to do penance, or something to make up for sins, such as praying a Hail Mary or being kind for you two. Tell her all that.
 
Here is another examination of conscience that is made for children and is using The Lord’s Prayer:

http://www.johnpaul2center.org/John...FaithFormationRes/Children_EC_LordsPrayer.pdf

Here is one for Elementary School Children:

catholicparents.org

Examination of Conscience for Elementary School Children

catholicparents.org catholicparents.org

I like looking at different ones for myself when I am doing my own examination of conscience.

Sometimes different ones will give a different viewpoint or cover things a bit differently.

God bless you and your family! ❤️
 
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However, in most parishes, depending on the size of the class, pastors have to line up priests from neighboring parishes to come out to hear the many confessions, and then he has to reciprocate in their parishes.
Clothing has no impact on the sacrament.
Parents attend classes as well in our program.
We do it in November so that kids who miss can easily do it at the Advent penance service, but they have to go to their pastor so that he knows it has been done.
When I was child we had far less than the 3 months of preparation, and we did it the day before FHC.
The sisters thought we MIGHT be able to remain pure another 24 hours. Maybe. 🤣
 
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