First Day - First Question: A Question to married couples practicing NFP

[TomClaimingLife]

Before hand, i am not expecting any theories or church teachings as an answer. I would like to know, What you all feel inside you?

Me and my wife only had a 2 hour training on NFP and we are practicing NFP. We do have a phone app where we track. we do have 2 kids. we are thinking of having a gap before our next child.
As we both are working and kids are at the very young age (3yrs and 1.5 yrs), and practicing NFP, we used to have intimate once or max twice in a month. But those we both 100% happy and enjoy to the max. and i agree that NFP helps us in that a lot (atleast i think).
we both are catholics and I was the one took the strong stand to practice NFP, and my wife supported that even though she is having pressure from her sisters and mother to use artificial contraception.
Situation here is: I many times heard this comment from my wife that, even though we have good time together in the non-fertile time, like, “Anyway we can’t do this when I need/want to do it”. and when i think about that, i too think that it is a true statement.

Do you all wives who practice NFP think this way? Do you think this is an unjustice for you that you need to stay away from this when you all have more desire to do that? what is there in your minds? how you get over this?

And husbands, what you all do in these kind of situations you all have? or what you think your wives think about this?

Thanks
Tom:

 

[pensmama87]

It can be very difficult to abstain when I am fertile. I am definitely more interested then. But that’s a great opportunity for me to examine whether or not our reasons for postponing another child are worth it (both my sons are “ah well, what the heck?” kids, so that tells you something about our approach .)

One thing you can do, as her husband, is to ensure as much as you can that she enjoys being intimate with you. It can take longer to “warm up” in non-fertile times, but I can’t say that I ever regret going ahead with it even if I’m not immediately ready to go. This applies to intimacy during pregnancy and in the infertile period postpartum, as well (for me that’s a long time, it varies from woman to woman and birth to birth), since ovulation isn’t occurring then, either. But I don’t feel like it’s “unfair” to be intimate with my husband then simply because my interest isn’t at its highest, hormonally speaking. If I waited for when I was actually fertile, that’d be a lot, lot less sex (I’ve only ovulated three times in the three and a half years I’ve been married). I couldn’t imagine putting my husband (or me, for that matter), through that.

 

[mommamaree]

For me personally, it does feel like an injustice to have to abstain during fertile times, and then be ready during the low libido infertile times. I have to shut down that aspect of myself in order to get through the time of abstinence, and then suddenly reawaken it on demand as soon as we hit phase III, and “make the most” of that window. However, my husband is very aware of this problem, which is why he promised never to refuse if I ask during the fertile time. Consequently, we just decided to abandon NFP altogether. My youngest is not yet 1, and I had an earlier return of fertility this time around, so it is likely that by the time she is 2, she will have another sibling.
For us, the challenges of pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing are less than the challenges introduced into our marriage from NFP. Once we reached 4 children, we just thought “what is one more?”

 

[TCEL]

It doesn’t bother me that much. It’s harder on my husband, but he’s never complained once. (Angel!) It’s important, but that’s not all there is. In fact, in a way, I think it was much harder to abstain before marriage than after, for both of us. Good practice. I do agree that more “warming-up” is needed during infertile times.

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

Going without sex doesn’t seem to be a major big deal. What if you weren’t married and did not have the opportunity for sex. Many people live as celibates all their lives.

 

[Ophelia23]

I wouldn’t personally use the term “injustice” or anything along those lines. Is it a more of a sacrifice during fertile times–absolutely. But hardly an injustice. Nothing is forcing us to abstain during the fertile times except for our own desire to space out children. Personally–and this is indeed very personal (my apologies to my real life friends on this site–skip over all of this)–if I feel so deeply inclined to be intimate with my husband during the more fertile phase of my cycle, then I genuinely give it serious consideration whether we should or should not abstain. I believe that there are times both during the fertile and infertile phases of the cycle when God Himself stirs the desire for intimacy within us, and that it may be His way of reminding us to be open to His will.

NFP is fully incomplete if not paired with deep prayer and reflection on our will with God’s will.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Going without sex doesn’t seem to be a major big deal. What if you weren’t married and did not have the opportunity for sex. Many people live as celibates all their lives.

Yes and no. A person can go their entire lives without having sex, likewise, a person can go their entire lives without saying Mass. But for a married person, sex is a part of their vocation, likewise, for a parish priest, saying Mass is part of their vocation. And refraining from doing something that is part of your vocation can be a struggle. Surely there are conditions under which a married person must abstain from sex and also for a priest there are times when he may not be able to say Mass, but for both it probably is a pretty “big deal.”

 

[7armyrugrats]

Yes, the hormone thing makes it more enjoyable during ovulation. It’s God’s way if helping us fulfill His command to go forth and multiply. That being said, many women who use artificial contraception complain of a lack of libido, an inability to climax, and other such problems due to the fact they are never (or rarely) ovulating. It doesn’t make any sense to purposely do that to yourself. Unless you have serious reasons to avoid another baby, try being less strict with NFP or just quit charting all together. If you must avoid, offer it to the Lord as a sacrifice.

 

[Kelfa28]

It is tough.
Hubby and I are in the most difficult time when it comes to NFP and charting. Recently had a baby and dealing with crazy charts while I exclusively nurse. We’ve been abstaining for almost the entire month. I’m terrified of getting pregnant right now. My newborn is only 3 months old and both of us are unemployed and trying to make ends meet and finish school and I’m actually fertile despite EBFing my newborn.

Last night we hit an apex where we were feeling it. Both of us wanted to be intimate so badly but couldn’t.

All I can do is offer it up. We are not ready for another baby. I’ll abstain for as long as I have to but I feel like I’m climbing Everest.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Do you all wives who practice NFP think this way? Do you think this is an unjustice for you that you need to stay away from this when you all have more desire to do that? what is there in your minds? how you get over this?

Well, it depends what is more important: sexual pleasure or avoiding pregnancy. For me, at the moment, it is to avoid pregnancy so I just deal with it and don’t see it as an injustice.

If your wife is under pressure to use contraception, perhaps it is helpful to see it this way. Condoms are most certainly not a guarantee against pregnancy, and ABC prevents ovulation so there is no increase in desire.

Your question does show that sacrifice is definitely a big part of NFP, but as Catholics we know we can get spiritual benefit from accepting sacrifice in a certain way.

 

[Lorelei12]

I am not sure that I would call it an “injustice”. Sometimes it didn’t seem fair, I guess, because my husband didn’t really have that problem. That was the part that didn’t seem fair.

But really, it does make you consider whether your reasons are serious or not. If they are, it’s much easier to deal with and if they are not, well, at some point it becomes obvious that your reasons aren’t that serious. I try to think of it as a conscience-check.

Also, what your wife’s mother and sister think about it is none of their business. Why is it even up for discussion?

 

[FrenzyJen]

We could do it when I wanted to. It’s us choosing not to. God isn’t saying “Don’t enjoy it”, we’re doing that to ourselves by choosing to put off children.

 

[Rau]

we both are catholics and I was the one took the strong stand to practice NFP, and my wife supported that even though she is having pressure from her sisters and mother to use artificial contraception.
Situation here is: I many times heard this comment from my wife that, even though we have good time together in the non-fertile time, like, “Anyway we can’t do this when I need/want to do it”. and when i think about that, i too think that it is a true statement.

Do you all wives who practice NFP think this way? Do you think this is an unjustice for you that you need to stay away from this when you all have more desire to do that? what is there in your minds? how you get over this?

Perhaps your wife ought to be clear with her family that she has no interest in ABC and she doesn’t want the matter raised again…

While your wife may be less “interested” in sex during the infertile times, that initial disinterest can usually be overcome, given the right environment of love and patience. If the completed sexual encounter is unrewarding, that would be a matter of some concern.

As to the “injustice” of the situation - this is life! Trade offs and compromises abound. Accept what can’t be changed and do your best with what can!

 

[sailor28]

Yes, I have felt the way your wife felt when I used NFP. But when we used NFP we had about 4 days a month where we could have sex at the end of the day every other day and be certain we could not get pregnant. Add it a few young children and it is called celibacy.

“Do you all wives who practice NFP think this way? Do you think this is an injustice for you that you need to stay away from this when you all have more desire to do that? what is there in your minds? how you get over this?”

I don’t know if all wives feel this way. Recently there is more focus in the Catholic internet world on the difficulties of NFP. But I don’t actually see this issue addressed. Some woman can just say, “well, maybe it means we are not suppose to be avoiding”. For them they can go on to have more kids and be able to care for them and stay alive. However, women who need to avoid a pregnancy for grave health reasons can not say that.

I’ve never used the world injustice with this particular issue. However, I no longer use NFP. I found it to be destructive to my marriage. So I got over it by realizing I could not in good conscience agree with the church on this issue. Honestly, this particular issue was not a major player in my husband and I coming to that conclusion. Still it is an important issue to discuss. If you need to avoid a pregnancy a woman can not have sex when she most wants too.

I’m not interested in starting or participating in any discussion on the church teaching in this thread but wanted to share with you honestly.

 

[maryjk]

I don’t know if all wives feel this way. Recently there is more focus in the Catholic internet world on the difficulties of NFP. But I don’t actually see this issue addressed. Some woman can just say, “well, maybe it means we are not suppose to be avoiding”. For them they can go on to have more kids and be able to care for them and stay alive. However, women who need to avoid a pregnancy for grave health reasons can not say that…

As someone who absolutely has to avoid pregnancy, it seems easier for me than what I read about on the forums.

And maybe it is because I *have *to avoid, rather than I *want *to avoid.

 

[7armyrugrats]

As someone who absolutely has to avoid pregnancy, it seems easier for me than what I read about on the forums.

And maybe it is because I *have *to avoid, rather than I *want *to avoid.

I believe you are absolutely correct here. Lots of people think or say they have to avoid and in actuality only want to avoid. There was a period of time that my husband and I also had to avoid. We had no trouble at all living as brother and sister during that time. It was an absolute necessity due to health concerns, and we abstained for nearly three years. We could take no chance at pregnancy or else my kids (we had seven at the time) may very well have lost their mom. We are used to expressing our love in other ways due to his frequent absences, so perhaps it would be different for couples who haven’t had to find others ways to express their love and keep their relationship strong. I still get tickled when I get on here and see people complain that they only have sex 3-6 times a month knowing I may only have sex once a year, or if my health goes down hill again even less than that.

Don’t get me wrong, we enjoy being together and would be intimate more often if he was home more often. It’s just not the huge heavy cross to us that I see other people make it out to be. Out of all the things I miss about my husband when he isn’t around, sex is at the bottom of the list. That’s why we gave up NFP. I figure if God decides to bless us in the few times we are intimate then it is meant to be. If we seriously need to avoid, than we just abstain until the reasons resolve themselves.

 

[7armyrugrats]

Yes, I have felt the way your wife felt when I used NFP. But when we used NFP we had about 4 days a month where we could have sex at the end of the day every other day and be certain we could not get pregnant. Add it a few young children and it is called celibacy.

“Do you all wives who practice NFP think this way? Do you think this is an injustice for you that you need to stay away from this when you all have more desire to do that? what is there in your minds? how you get over this?”

I don’t know if all wives feel this way. Recently there is more focus in the Catholic internet world on the difficulties of NFP. But I don’t actually see this issue addressed. Some woman can just say, “well, maybe it means we are not suppose to be avoiding”. For them they can go on to have more kids and be able to care for them and stay alive. However, women who need to avoid a pregnancy for grave health reasons can not say that.

I’ve never used the world injustice with this particular issue. However, I no longer use NFP. I found it to be destructive to my marriage. So I got over it by realizing I could not in good conscience agree with the church on this issue. Honestly, this particular issue was not a major player in my husband and I coming to that conclusion. Still it is an important issue to discuss. If you need to avoid a pregnancy a woman can not have sex when she most wants too.

I’m not interested in starting or participating in any discussion on the church teaching in this thread but wanted to share with you honestly.

I’ve heard other people talk about how NFP was destructive in their marriages. How is it destructive? Is it the lack of intimacy or are there other factors that cause problems? I would like to understand better why people have such a hard time with it. I’m not trying to attack you, just trying to understand.

 

[SusanneT]

I wouldn’t personally use the term “injustice” or anything along those lines. Is it a more of a sacrifice during fertile times–absolutely. But hardly an injustice. Nothing is forcing us to abstain during the fertile times except for our own desire to space out children. Personally–and this is indeed very personal (my apologies to my real life friends on this site–skip over all of this)–if I feel so deeply inclined to be intimate with my husband during the more fertile phase of my cycle, then I genuinely give it serious consideration whether we should or should not abstain. I believe that there are times both during the fertile and infertile phases of the cycle when God Himself stirs the desire for intimacy within us, and that it may be His way of reminding us to be open to His will.

NFP is fully incomplete if not paired with deep prayer and reflection on our will with God’s will.

Very well put !

 

[sailor28]

7armyrugrats,

I appreciate that you want to dialogue on the topic. However, I am not interested in discussing my thoughts or personal info on this topic on an internet forum. I am positive it won’t be productive. You have taken a stance and you know no matter what I say that stance will not change. I am open to change and keep an open mind on this topic in my church community. (However, I rarely have found anyone who really listens on this topic…) I know how these discussions unfold and I could write all the responses that would counter any answer I gave before they even come out.

I entered the topic to answer Tom’s question honestly and that will be all I would like to add to this discussion.

God bless you and your marriage. Give yourself a pat on the back for living celibately as a married couple. Every couple as their own unique challenges and burdens to bear.

 

[sailor28]

“I’ve heard other people talk about how NFP was destructive in their marriages. How is it destructive? Is it the lack of intimacy or are there other factors that cause problems? I would like to understand better why people have such a hard time with it. I’m not trying to attack you, just trying to understand.”

I wanted to add that you really did ask a good question. I encourage you to discuss it with an open and listening heart with the other couples you have heard bring this up. One on one discussion is much more productive than managing an array of different opinions and judgments online. It is not a place I want to go into any depth about that. My marriage however is thriving, not without great difficult and sacrifice, but we are truly living out the mercy, sacrifice, forgiveness etc we hear the gospel proclaim.