First Day - First Question: A Question to married couples practicing NFP

[TomClaimingLife]

Thank you all for such a warm welcome with such a great responses. :thankyou: One side I am so surprised to see how active these forums are. In the past I tried to search for blogs where people talk about NFP AND couples share each other about the issues/ frustrations /happiness, but never found a good one.

Below are the points I really liked:

• Yes it is a sacrifice. I am on board with it. I saw the fruits of sacrifice before. And ready to accept more sacrifice and offer this up to God.
• Yes, this situation really helps us to rethink about what /why we abstain.
• Yes agreed on validating what is more important, sexual pleasure or avoiding pregnancy and this varies each time.
• Yes, I agree that even if we Do NFP, we need to combine that with Deep prayer and reflection on God’s will. I need to focus on that.
• It is true about Pills that there is no Ovulation and that might be affecting the feelings (I don’t know). May be someone used that before can explain. If that is the case, Yes there is no gain from a female perspective.
• But I can’t compare this abstain with the time before marriage. Because, that time it is no other choice and never had a first experience (at-least for us) other than some dreams.

Regarding my-in-laws, they are trying to support in a worldly manner to help us avoid another pregnancy soon. But she told them that we are going to practice NFP. And I don’t blame them, because they are not grown that much in spiritually and also trying to be helpful. I can understand them because they don’t know the real fruits of doing NFP.

Then how are you all doing? How is life moving?

Again a bunch of thanks for the support and care. May be this is what the spiritual brotherhood/sisterhood.
:grouphug:
Tom

 

[Rau]

Give yourself a pat on the back for living celibately as a married couple.

I know sailor28 does not want to comment further on this view of life with NFP, or on his earlier statement that it was destructive of his marriage and that he could not in good conscience agree with the Church on this subject. But he can’t be the only person with this view - could others who found NFP unacceptable comment on:

• do you feel using NFP to avoid is a bit like being celibate?
• did it damage your marriage?
• how did your conscience assess the subject?

 

[David011]

I’ve heard other people talk about how NFP was destructive in their marriages. How is it destructive? Is it the lack of intimacy or are there other factors that cause problems? I would like to understand better why people have such a hard time with it. I’m not trying to attack you, just trying to understand.

I don’t mind sharing! Although I will go ahead and say I’m not willing to debate about it either. My wife and I were raised Catholic and for a while we were looking more into its teachings. One of the teachings we didn’t agree with was the birth control one but we went ahead and decided to see if perhaps there was more to it.

My wife is an oncologist so the science behind NFP really intrigued her and believe it or not, it was actually all the failiure NFP stories that made her want to try it. She has always been an ambitious and competitive woman so she took it as a personal challenge. She said even if the method didn’t work, she was going to make it work.

I would definitely not use the word distructive, but it really was inconvenient. Like they said above abstaining and charting was a pain in the butt. Unclear signs and symptoms lead to a lot frustration. Her cycles sometimes would be like clockwork and then in a few months completely irregular. Nonetheless we successfully postponed a baby for two and half years as well as planned a pregnancy with amazing accuracy. We decided it was no longer something we wanted to continue but if a couple can make it work I certainly would recommend it. Attitude certainly makes a difference because ours was more of a “if we don’t have to, why should we?” Which probably made it even tougher to abstain.

 

[TCEL]

Sometimes, irregular cycles are due to health problems. Sometimes, its simply due to stress. In my case, I learned I had an underlying health issue I didn’t know about, and the NFP doctor had the presence of mind to do blood work.

Anyway, for me, the thing about abstaining before marriage is that it prepares you for the real challenge during marriage. Now, I can enjoy in moderation, without feeling like I’m entitled to it. I dunno. It balances out. I think part of it is that I too grew up with one parent in the military. I saw them make sacrifices for each other in ways I only now appreciate, and now I know its possible to go without and still be happy and functioning. It depends on a lot of things, but I think the most important one is respecting each other and being willing to sacrifice. That’s what I learned from them. (I also got a bit of the “buck up and get over it” treatment from being the only girl with brothers. )

PS–I’m not lecturing, just sharing further thoughts.

 

[Rau]

One of the teachings we didn’t agree with was the birth control one
.

I promise not to debate…but could you share a bit more on the above? Why did you feel it was a wrong teaching? What in your view is the “right” teaching?

 

[David011]

I promise not to debate…but could you share a bit more on the above? Why did you feel it was a wrong teaching? What in your view is the “right” teaching?

I really don’t mind answering but I have pretty good idea of what it’s going to lead to. I know you won’t debate me on it but others aren’t as respectful regarding these requests. And unless the person that started this thread is ok with me sharing, I’d rather not hijack their thread when they are looking for personal NFP stories rather why someone isn’t agreeing with Church rules.

 

[TomClaimingLife]

Thank you very much on the consideration and I think it is best to start a new thread for that discussion.

 

[mommamaree]

I know sailor28 does not want to comment further on this view of life with NFP, or on his earlier statement that it was destructive of his marriage and that he could not in good conscience agree with the Church on this subject. But he can’t be the only person with this view - could others who found NFP unacceptable comment on:

• do you feel using NFP to avoid is a bit like being celibate?
• did it damage your marriage?
• how did your conscience assess the subject?

I didn’t find it unacceptable, but I do find it onerous and overly burdensome. It initially helped our marriage, as we were converts. But later, it became harmful. I cannot say why because that is way too personal. But I can say what it did, and that is that it caused psychological damage to me personally, and consequently hurt my marriage. Of course, we were led the other direction, further away from birth control. We decided to just live as man and wife, with no worrying at all about pregnancy prevention. I could not find any reasons compelling enough to practice NFP in my life, despite having what some might consider serious or just reasons. One last thing, NFP didn’t feel like celibacy, it felt like rejection.

 

[Rau]

I didn’t find it unacceptable, but I do find it onerous and overly burdensome. It initially helped our marriage, as we were converts. But later, it became harmful. I cannot say why because that is way too personal. But I can say what it did, and that is that it caused psychological damage to me personally, and consequently hurt my marriage. Of course, we were led the other direction, further away from birth control. We decided to just live as man and wife, with no worrying at all about pregnancy prevention. I could not find any reasons compelling enough to practice NFP in my life, despite having what some might consider serious or just reasons. One last thing, NFP didn’t feel like celibacy, it felt like rejection.

Were you happy to be intimate when the mood took you and to be pregnant or not according to the outcome? OR

Did you ***on occasion ***just avoid at "about the time" you thought you were fertile if you were preferring to avoid at that time?

 

[mommamaree]

Were you happy to be intimate when the mood took you and to be pregnant or not according to the outcome? OR

Did you ***on occasion ***just avoid at "about the time" you thought you were fertile if you were preferring to avoid at that time?

I don’t understand your second question. I think I understand your first question, though, and I think the answer to that one was mostly yes. I wasn’t seeking pregnancy, but I accepted that it might result and that was okay with me. Yes, my youngest is still a nursing infant, and yes, I am an older mother, and so on and so forth. Happy to be intimate is a good way to describe it, too, because it wasn’t just libido. It was about staying connected and feeling safe and loved as we pour all of ourselves into taking care of these kids we were already blessed with. NFP hampered that. But I think that the desire for union was so strong because God did want us to be open to another baby. I just found out I am expecting again already and I couldn’t be happier, and I feel a peace I haven’t had before, like this was just what was in God’s plan for our family. So I am glad we found NFP too burdensome for us right now. I might feel very differently during perimenopause.

 

[Rau]

I don’t understand your second question. I think I understand your first question, though, and I think the answer to that one was mostly yes. I wasn’t seeking pregnancy, but I accepted that it might result and that was okay with me. Yes, my youngest is still a nursing infant, and yes, I am an older mother, and so on and so forth. Happy to be intimate is a good way to describe it, too, because it wasn’t just libido. It was about staying connected and feeling safe and loved as we pour all of ourselves into taking care of these kids we were already blessed with. NFP hampered that. But I think that the desire for union was so strong because God did want us to be open to another baby. I just found out I am expecting again already and I couldn’t be happier, and I feel a peace I haven’t had before, like this was just what was in God’s plan for our family. So I am glad we found NFP too burdensome for us right now. I might feel very differently during perimenopause.

I was trying to understand whether you were content to have “any number” of children (determined essentially by “happenstance”), or whether you do choose to avoid at times but you do it by a more approximate process, not using the formal observations of NFP. You’ve indicated the former, which I imagine puts you and your husband in a select minority!

It sounds as though you dropped NFP, but this is coincident with a realisation that you actually did not want to limit children anyway. So not surprising you’d do away with it!

 

[mommamaree]

I was trying to understand whether you were content to have “any number” of children (determined essentially by “happenstance”), or whether you do choose to avoid at times but you do it by a more approximate process, not using the formal observations of NFP. You’ve indicated the former, which I imagine puts you and your husband in a select minority!

It sounds as though you dropped NFP, but this is coincident with a realisation that you actually did not want to limit children anyway. So not surprising you’d do away with it!

Ah, okay. Yes, whenever people ask us how many children we are going to have, we say “hopefully, one at a time!”
Honestly, the further along we go since our conversion (our whole family entered the Church together and two of the children have since been “born into” it) the more we become okay with a larger and growing family, as an outward, daily sign of our love for the teachings of the Church on marriage and family. We feel God is blessing us spiritually for our generosity in welcoming children. You have probably heard the saying that every baby is born with a loaf of bread. Well, as converts, we feel that every baby is born with all the graces needed by the family to make us holy and to love each other better and more selflessly. thank God for that!